Poly - And I don't mean the material

[cheyannew]

This topic's been a long time coming, IMO, as often as I end up bringing it into conversations.

My goal is to do several things:

1: Have a MATURE, intelligent discussion on pol*, polyamourism, polygamy, etc etc.
2: Clarify misconceptions that may exist to the best of my ability (I'm not a Dr of Psychology YET, so it'll just be my knowledge based on research and life experiences).
3: Not become a negrep minefield. IF a negrep has to happen, please make it constructive, and don't just start anonymously negrepping everyone who disagrees with you.
4: Try to keep religion to a minimum; it's got its place but I don't want this to degenerate into a "Bible says this" or "Koran says this" type discussion, please.

So why am I butting my nose in? I'll tell you!

I'm a mother of 2 (9 and almost 12) in my early 30's, married for nearly 13 years (Dec 21 2009 = 13 years) to my husband. I'm also what's known as polyamorous, and currently dating a very dear friend, with the agreement of her husband, and mine (obviously). I've been poly and bi all my life, but it took me until my late 20's to figure exactly why I felt differently than others around me. More about that later. I'm also working towards a Phd in Psychology, beginning with my Bachelor of Arts, then a Masters in Gender Studies and completing with a Phd in Psychology with a lot of holistic electives, as I am a holistic practitioner first and foremost.

To my knowledge, I am the only poly person on these forums. I realize there are likely more, but they've been quiet thusfar (and I don't blame them). As of Oct 11, 2009, aka National Coming Out Day, the last person I had to "come out" to was my biomom, and did so. The host of questions she's had since then made me realize just how misunderstood polyamourism is, and as often as it's been coming up (in the gay marriage, sexuality and dating threads) I thought "Well, here's a chance to see if anyone's curious". Ask me anything and I'll answer it to the best of my ability, and the other brilliant minds around here will toss in their thoughts and we'll all learn something!

So here it is; your chance.

Bearing in mind NO site, life story, etc is the end all be all, here's a good FAQ I have found on the web regarding my lifestyle. http://www.lovemore.com/faq.php


There are several different kinds of poly relationships, and I'll cover those as we go on. I am in what's called a "V" relationship, with me at the bottom of the V and my husband and girlfriend at opposite ends. I am the common factor in said relationship.

So, let's discuss. Please, no kneejerk "zomg you're being unfaithful/wrong/whore/etc" replies, because polys aren't unfaithful; that's rather the whole point of the thing. I have had wonderful 5 hour long conversations with folks on this board (yes seriously, 5 hours) and this was a part of it, so I look forward to the good, healthy discussions AnimeSuki'ers have.

110% open honest communication. And if you think it's because we have a short attention span; think about how much work is involved in having 1 healthy stable relationship, and then multiply it accordingly LOL There's a good reason there's only ONE other person involved for me :)

PS - If the mods feel this thread seriously has no place, tell me to stuff it, lock it and whatnot. Just let me know ;)

[synaesthetic]

I've never actually been in a relationship with more than one girl, so I don't know all that much about it.

But I wouldn't mind trying it, though. I have kind of a different, looser view on love and sex than most people I know, and have had what some would term casual sex with people I love (but would be considered "just friends" by most folks).

So I can see myself being happy in a relationship that consists of three, rather than two. I'm just rarely anything but single due to other factors. =(

[cheyannew]

I've never actually been in a relationship with more than one girl, so I don't know all that much about it.

But I wouldn't mind trying it, though. I have kind of a different, looser view on love and sex than most people I know, and have had what some would term casual sex with people I love (but would be considered "just friends" by most folks).

So I can see myself being happy in a relationship that consists of three, rather than two. I'm just rarely anything but single due to other factors. =(


I have to say, as much as I adore my girlfriend, I would prefer a full triad; where she is involved with both my husband and I. Why? Because let's face it, sometimes people just are NOT in the mood to go out, or snuggle on the couch or whatever. So, fine, hubby is feeling solitary, or stuck at work or whatever, so gf and I curl up to watch a movie, or any variation therof.

The Friends With Benefits (FWB) situation's more common than you think, and frankly, a far safer alternative to just picking up someone at a bar. I think what we will end up doing (the 3 of us) is practicing polyfidelity; aka, she and I agree to not be with anyone other than each other or our husbands. Quite honestly, finding the time to see one another and juggle kids, work, etc etc AND still spend lots of time w/ the hubbies, it feels like I need a scheduler just for her :)

I'm sorry you're not able to find people who can accept who you are, if that's the problem. I know another transsexual who was very lonely, but she found someone eventually who not only accepted her for trans but had her move in with him while she saved up for her operation and whatnot. They're still together so it's very awesome IMO.

[james0246]

First of all, interesting topic. There is plenty to discuss in regards to polygamy and its variations. Personally, I do not support any currently known version of polygamy for the sole reason that the "natural" practice is rooted in dominance, which is unacceptable within a society of equal individuals. Does that mean all polygamous relationships will result in such a clear dominant/submissive interaction? I honestly do not know. Whatever the case, clear consent in needed.

Secondly, more power to you :). If you are in a stable and willing relationship, especially one that is supported by family and friends, then good on you.

Thirdly, and as a partial question, no real disrespect toward you are your husband (and friends), but I have to wonder if your husband would be as okay with your "other" relationship if it was another man you were seeing, especially if said relationship resulted in a pregnancy (however you choose to deal with said hypothetical pregnancy is your own business). Additionally, how would you feel if your husband was with another woman? A Man? Again, these are comments derived from curiosity, and not meant to be truly disrespectful. If these are too personal, please just say so.

That being said, maybe this should just be part of the Sexuality (http://forums.animesuki.com/showthread.php?t=85724)thread...?

[cheyannew]

First of all, interesting topic. There is plenty to discuss in regards to polygamy and its variations. Personally, I do not support any currently known version of polygamy for the sole reason that the "natural" practice is rooted in dominance, which is unacceptable within a society of equal individuals. Does that mean all polygamous relationships will result in such a clear dominant/submissive interaction? I honestly do not know. Whatever the case, clear consent in needed.

Here's the thing; POLYGAMY itself means both polygyny (multiple wives) and polyandry (multiple husbands). Only polygyny, in some cultures, has the dominance issue you're speaking of, and for that reason, I think it's gotten a bad rap. Polyandry has not been practiced much at all, save for, I believe, places like Tibet, and it's not even practiced there anymore.
Personally, I find it no different than a normal hetero relationship. I did battered women's counseling for nearly a decade, so I saw a LOT of "dominated" women. Their husbands only had the one wife and still dominated them. Conversely, I've seen several polyamourous relationships where a man has multiple females involved, and it's just fine. Then again, they all went into it having discussed where each other stood, which, to me, is what seperates it from the stereotype that most known cases of polygyny have created.

Thirdly, and as a partial question, no real disrespect toward you are your husband (and friends), but I have to wonder if your husband would be as okay with your "other" relationship if it was another man you were seeing, especially if said relationship resulted in a pregnancy (however you choose to deal with said hypothetical pregnancy is your own business). Additionally, how would you feel if your husband was with another woman? A Man? Again, these are comments derived from curiosity, and not meant to be truly disrespectful. If these are too personal, please just say so.

That's a very valid question, and one that we already discussed. When we were first discussing things, because my husband came from an abusive marriage where his ex wife cheated on him and beat him up, it was a touchy subject. Therefore, he gave me 2 nights out, 1 with a woman and later 1 with a man (my exbf and his wife, who is my current gf). Each happened months apart, but it let him gague his reaction to things. And in all honesty, he was alright with me being with my ex. Why? Because he knows full and well no one will ever replace him in my life. Also, there is no danger of pregnancy, as I had a medical condition that required my innards to be removed/cut/shuffled about and I cannot get pregnant, so that may've impacted it too hehe.
I have, in fact, been trying to nudge my husband (who is monogamous) to find himself a girlfriend. We had a dear friend who he was actually rather enchanted with, who we wanted to move in with us, with her little girl, but it didn't work out, as she doesn't want to move across the country. I would be perfectly fine with it (though I might pout if he doesn't share! LOL) As for him being with a man, he's just not interested in that, so I can't say how I'd feel. He's 100% straight, I'm the bi one, but hypothetically, if he met a man he really hit it off with, who am I to stand in the way of that, within reason?

There are rules that were agreed with when we began this poly venture, and that involved MONTHS of discussions, and so on, before those 2 nights were agreed on. After that, the ground rules were laid down based on his comfort zone, and mine, and so on.

I am 100% open and honest about my lifestyle, so please don't fret about being too personal, and you can always PM me if you really don't want to air something.

Also, I didn't want to tie this in with the sexuality thread because it's related, but sexuality is more a generalized thing. This is linked to BOTH sexuality and dating, but I did not want it to overtake those threads. People who're interested in those subjects may NOT be comfortable with the poly lifestyle, and I didn't want to force anyone to read it.

[Yoko Takeo]

I personally couldn't care less if someone was going out with other people unless they were people I'm directly involved with. I know a friend who finds nothing wrong with dating multiple girls at one time to find out exactly which one he likes. That could be considered a form of polygamy, and I can see where he's coming from with wanting to go out with more than one girl, but I still wouldn't do it because whether I have my gf's approval, I wouldn't feel right to me at any rate. I would be giving the impression I don't care about how she feels.

I have nothing against polygamy per se. If someone likes to do it, then it's good for them, especially if they enjoy themselves and I would even encourage them if they are. Some societies even allow it. I know that men in Saudi Arabia are allowed to have more than one wife. I have nothing to say to that because it's normal for them to do it.

[RadiantBeam]

I will honestly admit that until you came out and eventually explained your situation on other threads, I thought you were cheating on your husband with another woman. :heh: I apologize for that.

As for me, well, I don't see myself as being open to the poly lifetsyle. I can't imagine loving more than one person that way, but if it suits you, then hey, go all out for it. :D I'm glad it's working for you.

[cheyannew]

I personally couldn't care less if someone was going out with other people unless they were people I'm directly involved with. I know a friend who finds nothing wrong with dating multiple girls at one time to find out exactly which one he likes. That could be considered a form of polygamy, and I can see where he's coming from with wanting to go out with more than one girl, but I still wouldn't do it because whether I have my gf's approval, I wouldn't feel right to me at any rate. I would be giving the impression I don't care about how she feels.

Unless ALL the girls were aware and agreeable to it, your friend is not practicing poly; he's merely cheating on them.

Poly relies on absolute open communication and full disclosure, and not everyone is wired that way. My husband doesn't feel that I don't care about his feelings, or what have you. He is aware I'm wired differently than others (just like my being bisexual), and that there are aspects of life/relationships that he cannot fulfill (this may be because I am bi; I have not considered a relationship with 2 men), and it doesn't demean him in any way. No 1 person will ever meet ALL of your needs, that doesn't make them the wrong person, it's just a fact of life.

I think polys (mind you I speak as a polyamourous person, as I have never been in a marriage with anyone other than my husband/ex husband) simply accept that as part of life, and find fulfillment in being with numerous people, much as most parents feel fulfilled having more than 1 child. It doesn't make you love your firstborn any less when their sibling comes into the world. The heart is capable of loving more than one, I've seen it said many times.

[Yoko Takeo]

Unless ALL the girls were aware and agreeable to it, your friend is not practicing poly; he's merely cheating on them.

yeah....knowing him.......that makes more sense :heh::rolleyes:

Poly relies on absolute open communication and full disclosure, and not everyone is wired that way. My husband doesn't feel that I don't care about his feelings, or what have you. He is aware I'm wired differently than others (just like my being bisexual), and that there are aspects of life/relationships that he cannot fulfill (this may be because I am bi; I have not considered a relationship with 2 men), and it doesn't demean him in any way. No 1 person will ever meet ALL of your needs, that doesn't make them the wrong person, it's just a fact of life.

Yeah, everyone may feel different about it, especially when they know everything about everything and are able to accept it and enjoy it. I'm very happy for you :D It's just the way I am though, and it's part of my honor code not to go out with other girls, whether she approves or not, and that's mainly because I wouldn't like it if a girl was going out with someone else while we were going out. Besides, two girls are too much for me to handle :heh:

I guess you're right in a sense though. No one person can satisfy all your needs. Everyone has different ways of dealing with it. Your way is going out with other people (with everyone's approval of course). I prefer to stick with what I have. :)

I think polys (mind you I speak as a polyamourous person, as I have never been in a marriage with anyone other than my husband/ex husband) simply accept that as part of life, and find fulfillment in being with numerous people, much as most parents feel fulfilled having more than 1 child. It doesn't make you love your firstborn any less when their sibling comes into the world. The heart is capable of loving more than one, I've seen it said many times.

That's certainly true. My point of view though is that children are made of your own flesh and blood. It wouldn't be right to love one more than the other. People you go out with, though, are complete strangers. For me, it's different in that sense, but like I said in _another_ thread, love can have many different forms, so I'm not going to argue with anyone. :)

[Narona]

No 1 person will ever meet ALL of your needs, that doesn't make them the wrong person, it's just a fact of life.

No offence, but can I ask for source of that statement? ^^

I know monogamous people who claim their husband/wife actually meet all their needs (My parents to begin with). So, as I said, no offence, but I don't think they would lie to each other. I don't know for sure about the other couples I know, but at least about my parents, with who I lived/live, I tend to trust them on that :)

So I believe it is possible till somebody would prove that said persons who claim it actually lie.

Edit: What's your definition of "needs" exactly? That people can't be together because of their jobs 24h/24 and such? If that's the case, I think it should be relativised then to what "are" the needs a couple actually need. What's "important" to make it short.

[cheyannew]

No offence, but can I ask for source of that statement? ^^

I know monogamous people who claim their husband/wife actually meet all their needs (My parents to begin with). So, as I said, no offence, but I don't think they would lie to each other. I don't know for sure about the other couples I know, but at least about my parents, with who I lived/live, I tend to trust them on that :)

So I believe it is possible till somebody would prove that said persons who claim it actually lie.

Edit: What's your definition of "needs" exactly? That people can't be together because of their jobs 24h/24 and such? If that's the case, I think it should be relativised then to what "are" the needs a couple actually need. What's "important" to make it short.

Speaking for myself (I have got to try to avoid generalized statements lol), I don't think people SHOULD be together 24/7, it doesn't leave you much room to forge your identity if you're ALWAYS with someone, IMO.

For example, as my hubby is NOT social; he does not enjoy going out with friends, doing karaoke, seeing a band, etc. My girlfriend, on the other hand, does. My husband is not a lovely lady to snuggle with, otherwise he'd be a she and therefore my wife ;)
I will admit he meets probably about 85-90% of them, though.

Perhaps I should've rephrased it from fact of life to "usually" or something of that ilk.

[Narona]

Well, my husband, as amazing as he is, can't fulfill my need/desire to snuggle with a pretty girl....
He meets I'd say 90% of them, but he's not a social creature, and I am; so there's one. The aforementioned snuggling with female is another.

Perhaps I should've rephrased it from fact of life to "usually" or something of that ilk.
I wrote an edit because this topic is insteresting =D

Edit: What's your definition of "needs" exactly? That people can't be together because of their jobs 24h/24 and such? If that's the case, I think it should be relativised then to what "are" the needs a couple actually need. What's "important" to make it short.

[cheyannew]

I wrote an edit because this topic is insteresting =D

answered your edit WITH an edit! AHA! Edit wars!

[Yoko Takeo]

Speaking for myself (I have got to try to avoid generalized statements lol), I don't think people SHOULD be together 24/7, it doesn't leave you much room to forge your identity if you're ALWAYS with someone, IMO.

I can agree with this. In a healthy relationship, each side needs to be allowed their own space. Having too much of something can sometimes be a bad thing. It's the same concept here.

[RadiantBeam]

If I may ask, and I mean no disrespect, how do your children view your lifestyle? 9 is still a rather young age, but by the time a child is 12 they've started to learn about sex education and the basics of a relationship.

I'm just curious as to how you explained your needs to them/how they view it overall.

[Narona]

I can agree with this. In a healthy relationship, each side needs to be allowed their own space. Having too much of something can sometimes be a bad thing. It's the same concept here.
Actually, I rather believe it depends on the couples.

What works greatly with one couple, can fail miserably with another.

Don't be so radical :p

answered your edit WITH an edit! AHA! Edit wars!

:heehee: :)

[cheyannew]

If I may ask, and I mean no disrespect, how do your children view your lifestyle? 9 is still a rather young age, but by the time a child is 12 they've started to learn about sex education and the basics of a relationship.

I'm just curious as to how you explained your needs to them/how they view it overall.

They’re fine with it; as they’ve grown up in such an "odd" household, what with the "adopted" siblings, gay friends and all, they don’t really bat an eye to anything. PERSONALLY, they both went "hmm, not for me" about the thought of them maybe being gay, but know that *IF* they turn out gay bi whatever, we won’t care and’ll love them regardless. When hubby and I were discussing things nearly 2 years ago about our friend coming to live with us (before that sadly fell through entirely), I had discussed it with the kids, who were like "So we’ll have 2 moms and a sister?" and so that showed they grasped it better than I thought they would. When I mentioned that someone has asked me out but I wanted to see what they thought about it, and it was someone they knew, my daughter (9) didn’t miss a beat and asked if it was my ex's wife (they've known my ex and his wife for most of their lives). Then they both assured me it was fine, and they don’t care who I date, but were curious if that made her their aunt or something, and I said no, just a good friend of the family. They have been around when we kiss, and hug and it doesn’t phase them.

[RadiantBeam]

They’re fine with it; as they’ve grown up in such an "odd" household, what with the "adopted" siblings, gay friends and all, they don’t really bat an eye to anything. PERSONALLY, they both went "hmm, not for me" about the thought of them maybe being gay, but know that *IF* they turn out gay bi whatever, we won’t care and’ll love them regardless. When hubby and I were discussing things nearly 2 years ago about our friend coming to live with us (before that sadly fell through entirely), I had discussed it with the kids, who were like "So we’ll have 2 moms and a sister?" and so that showed they grasped it better than I thought they would. When I mentioned that someone has asked me out but I wanted to see what they thought about it, and it was someone they knew, my daughter (9) didn’t miss a beat and asked if it was my ex's wife (they've known my ex and his wife for most of their lives). Then they both assured me it was fine, and they don’t care who I date, but were curious if that made her their aunt or something, and I said no, just a good friend of the family. They have been around when we kiss, and hug and it doesn’t phase them.

Ah, okay, I see. Kids tend to be very accepting of just about anything you tell them, but I was still curious. ^^

[Quzor]

In an attempt to sate my own curiousity...

1) You mentioned sharing, if your husband were ever to get a girlfriend. Is that currently the case with your girlfriend? The logistics of this seem rather...convoluted. Are the three of you intimate together, or do you keep the two relationships separate? To go with that, are the two relationships kept separate in all walks, or are there significant portions of crossover, where the three of you are doing things together? And how does all of this affect your girlfriend's husband?

2) How do you divide your time? Between a marriage, two kids and a career, it doesn't seem like there's much free time for spending out and about. Even operating under the assumption that your husband does his fair share to help out with the household and family needs, that's still quite a bit of time you have to dedicate as well. I noticed you said it occasionally feels like you need a scheduler just for your girlfriend, so that's got me curious. Do you regularly set up dates with her, or is it just sort of a "call me when you get some free time" kind of thing? To go with that, who gets priority? Say one of them was having a rough time of it, and trying to lean on you for support. Would you cancel a date with the other, in order to be there for the first?

3) How does your girlfriends husband (apparently your ex?) deal with all of this? Not too much has been mentioned about him, other than he's fine with it. Do he and your husband get along, or spend any time together while you and your girlfriend are out? To go along with this, how does your husband handle this? Again, the kids seem to present a "challenge of responsibility" that can't be ignored. I suppose I'm curious as to where that responsibility lies when it comes to the two of you caring for the kids. Forgive me if I sound rude in this, that's not my intention. I'm simply trying to understand the logistics of juggling a marriage and a "dating" relationship.

In all honesty, the whole "Poly" situation has always been quite foreign to me, save for what you see on the television, or occasionally read about in the news. My girlfriend often tells me that she wouldn't mind if I went out and found another girlfriend (long distance relationships are a killer, donchaknow), but I just can't bring myself to do it. Maybe it's because I've been cheated on in the past, or just because I'm an old fashioned kind of guy. Or, maybe it's because I don't really understand how to keep all those balls in the air, and trying to learn the logistics of that on the fly is a bit too unnerving to really put in the effort.

All questions and comments aside, I'm glad to hear your happy in your life, and that you have people in your life who are willing to both understand and respect the needs you have. For me, serious relationships are about finding a person who complements and will compromise with you, which your marriage would appear to have in spades. Rare as it is anyway, it's nice to see that things are working out well, even for couples who have additional obstacles in the way.

[Yoko Takeo]

Actually, I rather believe it depends on the couples.

What works greatly with one couple, can fail miserably with another.

Don't be so radical :p



:heehee: :)

Maybe. I'm only speaking from my experience. :)

[Reckoner]

This is another issue for me of "I don't really care that much about what you do, but I would never do it myself."

Perhaps the biggest problem in such a relationship could be the legal implications in wills and such... However, lets just assume that somehow such an issue is absolved.

I still do not think polygamy can be done well as a practice. I say this because it is pretty much impossible to divide up one's time evenly between 2 or more lovers. Jealously ensues, and soon the people who love you might end up hating each other.

I also feel that polygamy truly lessens the effect of devoting one's self to another. It is just nicer in a romantic relationship to know that when your spouse gives his or her body to you, that you are the only one that this is done for.

And as bad as this might sound to some people, you will always favor one person over another. This fact could have disastrous consequences.

In the end I do not find polygamy appealing in any manner, nor do I find it very practical. Thus, I see no reason for it. It's hard for me to believe that there are very many men or women out there that truly only want polygamy because they need the emotional support of more than one spouse. I often just see it as an excuse for an invigorated sex life.

[cheyannew]

GOGO multiquotes!

In an attempt to sate my own curiousity...

1) You mentioned sharing, if your husband were ever to get a girlfriend. Is that currently the case with your girlfriend? The logistics of this seem rather...convoluted. Are the three of you intimate together, or do you keep the two relationships separate? To go with that, are the two relationships kept separate in all walks, or are there significant portions of crossover, where the three of you are doing things together? And how does all of this affect your girlfriend's husband?

Actually, my girlfriend is just with me; she and my hubby are friends but there isn't that spark. Maybe someday that will change (if so, fanfreakingtastic), but maybe not. We all hang out together (movie nights, going out to eat, etc with the 4 of us or packing the kids to go someplace), but obviously are not all intimate together.


2) How do you divide your time? Between a marriage, two kids and a career, it doesn't seem like there's much free time for spending out and about. Even operating under the assumption that your husband does his fair share to help out with the household and family needs, that's still quite a bit of time you have to dedicate as well. I noticed you said it occasionally feels like you need a scheduler just for your girlfriend, so that's got me curious. Do you regularly set up dates with her, or is it just sort of a "call me when you get some free time" kind of thing? To go with that, who gets priority? Say one of them was having a rough time of it, and trying to lean on you for support. Would you cancel a date with the other, in order to be there for the first?

It's complicated, it really is, and it's the biggest struggle we're having. Both she and her hubby work normal 9 to 5 jobs, while my hubby works 11pm-8am, and I am currently unemplyed since my company laid off half its employees. Our hubbies have suggested setting a "date night" so that we know at least 1 night out of a month or biweekly or whatever is ours, and they'll take care of the kids so we can spend time together. My husband actually harasses me if I don't make plans w/ my gf LOL! "Have you made plans to see R this weekend?" "Uh, no, why?" "You should" and so on. My hubby and I don't honestly date, I mean, his schedule leaves him 2 nights off a week (sat/sun), so he and I spend as much time as we can before he goes to work and during the day (which is the only bonus of not having a job right now). If something happened, such as when their baby was born premature, my husband said "Go, she needs you", so I haven't had to deal with canceling a date, so to speak. But a rule in poly is to NEVER neglect the primary (aka our hubbies), so it would involve discussion. I am lucky in that said discussion would result in my husband telling me to GTFO if someone needs me lol.

3) How does your girlfriends husband (apparently your ex?) deal with all of this? Not too much has been mentioned about him, other than he's fine with it. Do he and your husband get along, or spend any time together while you and your girlfriend are out? To go along with this, how does your husband handle this? Again, the kids seem to present a "challenge of responsibility" that can't be ignored. I suppose I'm curious as to where that responsibility lies when it comes to the two of you caring for the kids. Forgive me if I sound rude in this, that's not my intention. I'm simply trying to understand the logistics of juggling a marriage and a "dating" relationship.

He is my ex, we dated and lived together back in late 95/early 96, and had a horrific breakup where we didn't talk for YEARS. My hubby and he had been friends before that, stopped talking for a while, and once my ex and I buried the hatchet and became friends again, so too did my hubby and him. they'll go hang out and see a movie, or the 4 of us'll do something at home, or what have you. He is 100% a-ok with his wife being with me, and I think it actually is easier with it being ME. He KNOWS me, he knows I'm not going to try to break up his marriage, and so on. My husband isn't a social creature, so he actually LIKES staying at home quietly, or as quietly as you can with a pre-teen and his sister in the house lol. Seeing as he works nights, and I am home, I am the primary caregiver for the kids. My husband feels I deserve/need some time away, and encourages that. I ensure it's not every weekend I make plans, though, because I have little enough time with him and don't want to squander it.

In all honesty, the whole "Poly" situation has always been quite foreign to me, save for what you see on the television, or occasionally read about in the news. My girlfriend often tells me that she wouldn't mind if I went out and found another girlfriend (long distance relationships are a killer, donchaknow), but I just can't bring myself to do it. Maybe it's because I've been cheated on in the past, or just because I'm an old fashioned kind of guy. Or, maybe it's because I don't really understand how to keep all those balls in the air, and trying to learn the logistics of that on the fly is a bit to unnerving to really put any effort in to.

All questions and comments aside, I'm glad to hear your happy in your life, and that you have people in your life who are willing to both understand and respect the needs you have. For me, serious relationships are about finding a person who complements and will compromise with you, which your marriage would appear to have in spades. Rare as it is anyway, it's nice to see that things are working out well, even for couples who have additional obstacles in the way.

The poly scene you see on tv, etc is, well, not always accurate, but then it's like that with Wicca, homosexuality, and countless other lifestyles. The actual product isn't as tv-friendly ;) Polys are usually very down to earth people, and that doesn't make for good tv.
My husband was cheated on, and I have been in the past too, so it was a hurdle for discussions; I was VERY uneasy even having said discussions, because I know how much it hurts. But poly isn't cheating; I mean if I were not with my gf and knew her hubby, I would have asked to sit down w/ her hubby and discuss things just like I did with mine. As it is, I HAVE talked w/ my ex and ensured all's kosher in the world.
Poly is not for everyone; I am of the opinion (there isn't any scientific backing that I know of) that people are wired different ways. Some're gay, some are bi, some are poly, some are a combination of that. I do admit, most polys I know ARE bisexual, but that may be pure coincidence (I mean it's easier to be with multiple people if you can/want to actually BE with them).

[cheyannew]

This is another issue for me of "I don't really care that much about what you do, but I would never do it myself."
Perhaps the biggest problem in such a relationship could be the legal implications in wills and such... However, lets just assume that somehow such an issue is absolved.

You keep saying polygamy, in fact we're discussing multiple types of group relationships; polygamy as well as polyamoury (which does not necessarily involve marriage, and could not legally anyway).
The couples I know who co-habitate are often quads or triads (aka a V such as I am in, or 2 men 2 women). Ofttimes the parts of the quad are legally married, sometimes they're not. Legal issues could occur with parental rights, home rights and the like. This was touched briefly in the Gay Marriage thread; in that there ARE no legal rights really for polyamourists/polygamists.

I still do not think polygamy can be done well as a practice. I say this because it is pretty much impossible to divide up one's time evenly between 2 or more lovers. Jealously ensues, and soon the people who love you might end up hating each other.

The beauty of polyamourism is that there isn't any jealousy, provided it's done properly. Hence the full discussion/honesty/disclosure. You do not under any circumstance ignore your primary, and all that is discussed BEFORE heading into the relationship. Discuss, discuss, discuss. That's what SHOULD happen before any couple/person/whatever enters into a relationship, whether it be monogamous or polyamourous. It's not a competition, you do not have to spend time evenly with everyone. You just have to spend what time you have, and make the most of it. Monogamous couples who work opposite shifts have to do this too.

I also feel that polygamy truly lessens the effect of devoting one's self to another. It is just nicer in a romantic relationship to know that when your spouse gives his or her body to you, that you are the only one that this is done for.
And as bad as this might sound to some people, you will always favor one person over another. This fact could have disastrous consequences.

Hence, again, the primary/secondary/tertiarty conversation/negotiation. Everyone knows where they stand on things. I sincerely doubt (In fact, I'll ask him, hang on.. ) ok, I know for a fact my husband does not feel I am any less devoted to him. I will be with him until the day one of us kicks the bucket. Any secondary relationships may, or may not last that long.
I also practice polyfidelity, which means that I have agreed with all parties involved that I am not going to be with anyone other than my gf (save for my hubby obviously).
Another thought to throw out there: having multiple children does not lessen your devotion to one, so why would having multiple loves?

In the end I do not find polygamy appealing in any manner, nor do I find it very practical. Thus, I see no reason for it. It's hard for me to believe that there are very many men or women out there that truly only want polygamy because they need the emotional support of more than one spouse. I often just see it as an excuse for an invigorated sex life.

Again, it's not for everyone. However, more and more polyamourists are coming out of the woodwork, and some may have to keep it quiet for job reasons or whatever, but others, like me/hubby and my gf/hubby are honest about it, much as we are about our sexuality. We are who we are.

It might also surprise you to know that I am not currently intimate with my girlfriend. Therefore, the argument that it's an excuse for an invigorated sex life is null and void. My gf and I have a deep emotional bond, and while we might hug, kiss and cuddle, that's as far as it will go at this time. Should we decide to change that, it'll involve more discussions/negotiations.

I also have no plans to marry my girlfriend.

[Vexx]

I guess I've read too much science fiction... I just don't see anything wrong with the idea as long as all members are equal in participation or status.

[Cinocard]

Ethically and morally, I see no problem with poly. Though when examining the idea more practically, I believe that it's bound to create more problems than mono relationships.

The beauty of polyamourism is that there isn't any jealousy, provided it's done properly

Possessive desires has its negative and positive sides. Surely you agree? A relationship without possession works for some (like you), and does not work for others (which I believe is the majority).

Another thought to throw out there: having multiple children does not lessen your devotion to one, so why would having multiple loves?

It does. It's more clear when you take things to the extreme. Imagine that you had 20 kids instead of 2.

You think no matter how many kids you have, you love them all equally. But devotion is a matter of action, not a matter of how you think and feel in your head. Also, the one received the affection might not always see things the same as you.

You love more, and make more people love you. You create more responsibility for others, and for yourself. And there's no way around it. But one person has limited lifetimes and can only shoulder so much responsibility.

I guess I've read too much science fiction... I just don't see anything wrong with the idea as long as all members are equal in participation or status.

Can't say that. If something's right, it's right, and if it's wrong, it's wrong.

[cheyannew]

Ethically and morally, I see no problem with poly. Though when examining the idea more practically, I believe that it's bound to create more problems than mono relationships.
Possessive desires has its negative and positive sides. Surely you agree? A relationship without possession works for some (like you), and does not work for others (which I believe is the majority).
It does. It's more clear when you take things to the extreme. Imagine that you had 20 kids instead of 2.
You think no matter how many kids you have, you love them all equally. But devotion is a matter of action, not a matter of how you think and feel in your head. Also, the one received the affection might not always see things the same as you.
You love more, and make more people love you. You create more responsibility for others, and for yourself. And there's no way around it. But one person has limited lifetimes and can only shoulder so much responsibility.
Can't say that. If something's right, it's right, and if it's wrong, it's wrong.

The child parallel is drawn due to its similarity; very few people decide to have 20 kids.
I don't get the possessive thing either. People aren't possessions, they can choose where they'll be who they'll be with and so on, no one can control another person's will.

Any relationship has the potential for issues, but my personal experience has been that mono relationships tend to have more deceit, anger, resentment, etc than poly relationships. That may have something to do with the communication factor, in that polys are overly communicative (I've been told making this thread was baring my soul, not to mention a negrep minefield from hell). I do admit that the more people who enter into a relationship, the more dynamic it is and it's harder to juggle things, which could create problems. But having been in many monogamous relationships, comparing those to my relationship(s) now, I much prefer the relationship I have now; my husband and I can talk about anything to one another with no fear.

[Cinocard]

I don't get the possessive thing either. People aren't possessions, they can choose where they'll be who they'll be with and so on, no one can control another person's will.

The possessive and protective desires in many cases are closely related. If someone mindset is: "this thing is mine," he or she will have more impulses to protect, and make it better than a free public property. It also creates a sense of responsibility and security between partners, if they feel that they are special, and truly special to someone (ofc as you said, not everyone is the same).


That may have something to do with the communication factor, in that polys are overly communicative

Being communicative has nothing to do with mono or poly. You are what you are. Rather, the difference between mono and poly is the desire to possess, and to be possessed by the partner.

do admit that the more people who enter into a relationship, the more dynamic it is and it's harder to juggle things,

I agree. Point is: just like you give yourself a responsibility with your friends, you have the responsibility to take care of people you love and make fall in love with you. And it's not 1+1=2. You got a gf, and your husband has the responsibility with her well-being too. If he does not develop a strong bond with her himself, it will be emotionally exhausted for him.

It's like having children. Only have so many as you know you can take care of and won't bother other people.

[cheyannew]

It's like having children. Only have so many as you know you can take care of and won't bother other people.

THAT I most certainly agree with!!!

[Alchemist007]

I like to think of myself as a scientific guy. It seems logical in the aspect of natural selection to have many kids which is easier to do with multiple partners. However it just seems more right to me to be faithful of a special someone. Science doesn't take into consideration love and feelings quite so much.

[Fome]

I have no moral or logical qualms with poly, but only one childish, romantic issue with it.

As we grow up, we are taught to be more generous, more selfless--to generally think of things as not "belonging" to yourself. But the appeal of monogamous relationships is that it is the one exception to that all pervasive rule of "sharing is caring." It is the only situation in which I can legitimately expect that my partner hold me in highest regard, the only situation in which my selfishness is not an evil but an asset. How many chances does a man get to think "wow, that beautiful girl loves me more than anyone"? It's like a forbidden fruit, but once everyone else can take a bite, what's left for me? For some people like Chey, it doesn't feel diluted, it doesn't feel any less intense than monogamy. But for me, I want to keep my one chance call something mine and mine alone

[synaesthetic]

Sharing is caring but nobody touches my computers but me. *death glare*

[Shinoto]

We need the lord's comments on this subject.

What do I say? Do it, Like a boss.

For!

[Vexx]

Sharing is caring but nobody touches my computers but me. *death glare*

As I always tell parents - there's a REASON they call them PERSONAL computers: get your offspring their own damned computers so they won't keep screwing up your stuff (or vice versa). :)

[yezhanquan]

Well, my brother and I do share two computers between us.

[GuidoHunter_Toki]

I've always felt that as long as all parties are adult, and willing, then there's no reason against polygamy. Having said that, it would take much more fortitude and trust on everyone's part than a monogamous relationship would. Human tendancies like jealousy will undoubtedly be exacerbated.

[synaesthetic]

As I always tell parents - there's a REASON they call them PERSONAL computers: get your offspring their own damned computers so they won't keep screwing up your stuff (or vice versa). :)

With the cost of netbooks or CULV notebooks these days there is no excuse for a school-age child to not have their own computer. You can get 7" and 9" eeePCs for ~$130-180 these days.

[Icehawk]

No issue with poly relationships so long as all sides are in complete agreement with whatever setup is going to happen beforehand, (NO coercion or intimidation of anyone into the relationship), it must be a mutual agreement and all sides are contributing and communicating with eachother equally and effectively during the relationship.

[cheyannew]

With the cost of netbooks or CULV notebooks these days there is no excuse for a school-age child to not have their own computer. You can get 7" and 9" eeePCs for ~$130-180 these days.

Well, unless of course you're reduced to a 1 income family due to massive layoffs in your area, but that's neither here nor there ;) our kids use ours w/ no problems heehee
the eee's are about 300 here, btw

[cheyannew]

I have no moral or logical qualms with poly, but only one childish, romantic issue with it.

As we grow up, we are taught to be more generous, more selfless--to generally think of things as not "belonging" to yourself. But the appeal of monogamous relationships is that it is the one exception to that all pervasive rule of "sharing is caring." It is the only situation in which I can legitimately expect that my partner hold me in highest regard, the only situation in which my selfishness is not an evil but an asset. How many chances does a man get to think "wow, that beautiful girl loves me more than anyone"? It's like a forbidden fruit, but once everyone else can take a bite, what's left for me? For some people like Chey, it doesn't feel diluted, it doesn't feel any less intense than monogamy. But for me, I want to keep my one chance call something mine and mine alone

I respect that entirely :)

[Alchemist007]

With the cost of netbooks or CULV notebooks these days there is no excuse for a school-age child to not have their own computer. You can get 7" and 9" eeePCs for ~$130-180 these days.
I'd completely expect them to break something that small though :heh:

[synaesthetic]

They are surprisingly durable!

Edit: Okay I should really stop, the mods will eat me for threadjacking.

Back on topic!

[Jaden]

I'd never go "poly", reason being that I think I'd have my hands full keeping together a single bond. Even if I wanted it, I don't think I could make it work. Too afraid of the complications and the drama. I think it takes a special set of mature folks like the TC to pull that off.

[cheyannew]

I'd never go "poly", reason being that I think I'd have my hands full keeping together a single bond. Even if I wanted it, I don't think I could make it work. Too afraid of the complications and the drama. I think it takes a special set of mature folks like the TC to pull that off.

What's a TC?

(I feel so dumb asking LOL I blame it on being early morning and I don't function well until about 2pm)

[Jaden]

That'd be you, the topic creator. Probably shouldn't use such an abbreviation here, it's more known on another board.

[cheyannew]

That'd be you, the topic creator. Probably shouldn't use such an abbreviation here, it's more known on another board.

OH! gotcha (and thanks for the compliment hehe); I am used to seeing "OP" for original poster, but now I've learned something new :)

[FragrantFlora]

@cheyannew

Well I'm happy for you that you, your partners, and your partners' partners have a mutual understanding of the situation. I certainly wouldn't commit myself though to that kind of relationship.

How long do you think this will last?

[Kusa-San]

I have a question : How your girlfriend will react if you and your husband have another children ? And how will you react if one day your husband say he want a children with your girlfriend ?

Other than that, I don't care about poly or bi or whatever you want. What's important is that you're happy :)

[cheyannew]

@cheyannew
Well I'm happy for you that you, your partners, and your partners' partners have a mutual understanding of the situation. I certainly wouldn't commit myself though to that kind of relationship.
How long do you think this will last?

As long as it lasts; we've all known each other well over 5 years (my ex and I and hubby and I for more obviously), and I asked my gf this question. She says "I give us at least a year. ;) Honestly, though, I don't know. I'm *interested* in it lasting into the multiple years, at least. But we'll just have to see where life takes everyone."

And I concur; barring either of our families having to move due to jobs, etc, I can very well see it lasting a good long while. I plan on her being my matron of honour at my wedding renewal in December of 2011 (for mine/hubby's 15 yr anniversary, we're going to have the nice wedding we never had before (we just did the paperwork and had a tiny ceremony of rings/vows w/ some close friends, not a pretty wedding with friends and family and a cake and all lol), and her and her husband (and kids) going with us on our "honeymoon" in Ireland. It's something we all want to share together, and my ex/his wife(my gf) have become such a part of our lives, I don't honestly see any issues ahead (again, barring distance etc).

I am also confident that if we decide to stop dating, it won't affect our friendship. I mean, my ex and I lived together, had a horrific breakup and are very good friends now (there was a time where we didn't speak, but still).

[cheyannew]

I have a question : How your girlfriend will react if you and your husband have another children ? And how will you react if one day your husband say he want a children with your girlfriend ?

Other than that, I don't care about poly or bi or whatever you want. What's important is that you're happy :)

Honestly it's not something that has ever (or will ever) come up, at least not in this relationship.

I am physically unable to have anymore kids; I don't have the necessary parts LOL

And *IF* my hubby and gf start hitting it off enough to where they are intimate, it's also a non issue; my gf's 2ndborn (a little girl, they had a son first, just like us) was premature due to her developing pre-eclampsia; therefore they won't be having anymore either.

My hubby and I have discussed it, though and he was honest, that if we find someone to be with us and he's intimate with them, protection will be used, because he has his children and doesn't want any more. He's actually talking about getting a vasectomy should we find a third or he find a gf or whatever.

[Alchemist007]

I always thought hubby was a dirty word XD

[Mistypearl]

I'm glad you made this thread, I have to say that I never thought about 'poly' (I don't even know what name/thing to say!) Personally for me I would feel wierd dating someone while they are dating someone else, but I'm sure if we did have open communication etc, it might be able to happen. I'm glad that now this is on the back of my mind now though.

Quick question, do you consider being polyamourous (is this it? Ah D: ) kind of like whether someone is bi, or gay, etc? Would you consider it part of LGBT? Does it even fit or is classified under the umbrella of sexual diversity? Well that wasn't quick. Sorry for my ignorant-ness about this topic!

Edit:

I was also wondering if you recieve alot of backlash because your choice in partners, since you likened telling your mom to 'coming out' Have you gotte any bigoted remarks, if so how would you react and how would someone else (such as me) go about dealing with that. Though I admit for every 100 anti-gay slurs I probably hear 1/100 anti-poly remark, but just incase it comes up....

[RadiantBeam]

Relatively odd question, but I wanted to ask.... how do you handle two relationships? Your husband and your gf sound like very lovely people, but they also have their own needs and personalities, and I was just curious as to how you handled the things between them that make them different from each other.

I honestly had a hard enough time handling a relationship with one person when I was dating, so I guess I'm curious for if I make any plans to try going out again in the future. :heh:

[cheyannew]

I'm glad you made this thread, I have to say that I never thought about 'poly' (I don't even know what name/thing to say!) Personally for me I would feel wierd dating someone while they are dating someone else, but I'm sure if we did have open communication etc, it might be able to happen. I'm glad that now this is on the back of my mind now though.

It's not for everyone, and part of the reason I made the topic was because *I* personally was getting "Ehh???"'s from people on this forum and elsewhere, once my girlfriend and I announced our having begun a relationship. It just reminded me there's a lot of negativity and misconception about polyamourism (note, not polygamy, whole other topic we've already touche don lol). If I've made even 1 person out there go "omg, that sounds like me, lemme investigate this", then this thread has done its job. It took me a long while to figure out WHY I felt "odd" or wrong (can't figure out an appropriate word for it) when I was forcing myself into monogamy.

Quick question, do you consider being polyamourous (is this it? Ah D: ) kind of like whether someone is bi, or gay, etc? Would you consider it part of LGBT? Does it even fit or is classified under the umbrella of sexual diversity? Well that wasn't quick. Sorry for my ignorant-ness about this topic!

Honestly? I am not sure. I personally feel people're wired certain ways; yes you can TRY to quell it and act differently (much like I tried my best to be fully monogamous, but something felt not quite right). Poly, to my knowledge, is not under the umbrella of LGBT. It's a lifestyle, not an orientation, I guess would be the difference? Kind of like BDSM isn't an orientation, but the urges/thought processes are still there? And never apologize for not knowing something; that's why we ask and discuss :)

Edit:
I was also wondering if you recieve alot of backlash because your choice in partners, since you likened telling your mom to 'coming out' Have you gotte any bigoted remarks, if so how would you react and how would someone else (such as me) go about dealing with that. Though I admit for every 100 anti-gay slurs I probably hear 1/100 anti-poly remark, but just incase it comes up....

I have not received much backlash at all, actually. I "came out" as both bisexual and poly at work, and because of the industry I worked in (the MMO industry has a lot of.. uhm... interesting people LOL), people went "oh, ok", and were more confused/reserved about the polyamourism as opposed to bisexuality (considering at my company alone there were at LEAST 12 gays that I knew of who were out and about). So, people had questions and I answered them as best I can. They had known me for a couple of years beforehand, so while it may've puzzled them, it didn't change their opinion of me or anything. I brought a woman (the aforementioned woman we wanted to live w/ us who didn't pan out) to the company holiday party, and had a wonderful time. People knew who she was, and treated her as well as they did my hubby when I brought him.

I have had a few snarky remarks about how I'm being greedy, or "leave some for the rest of us" or whatever, and people's minds boggle when they find out my girlfriend is actually my ex boyfriend's wife. Our situation is VERY odd, but it works for us.

If I encounter someone who just can't handle it, honestly? I'll treat it the same way I do slurs about my sexuality; shrug and walk away. They're just words, and I've been called worse by better people ;)

Besides, most of the comments have come from people who are most likely (in part) jealous. My sister for instance, is a single person because no one can stand her elfish nasty ways for long. So, I figure she's just mad because she can't hold down ONE relationship and here I am juggling two. *shrug* indeed

[cheyannew]

Relatively odd question, but I wanted to ask.... how do you handle two relationships? Your husband and your gf sound like very lovely people, but they also have their own needs and personalities, and I was just curious as to how you handled the things between them that make them different from each other.
I honestly had a hard enough time handling a relationship with one person when I was dating, so I guess I'm curious for if I make any plans to try going out again in the future. :heh:

Short answer? VERY CAREFULLY lol

I think it works because we're both secondaries... I have my hubby, she has hers, and they come first...

So it's not like I have to worry about spending too much time w/ her or whatever; she knows my hubby comes first, and I know hers comes first. We don't live together but our lives are intertwined; I was at the hospital the night their daughter was born, and was one of 2 people trusted to watch her in her first few months of life (she was preemie and on monitors and meds and so on).

One of the mainstays of poly lifestyles, whether they're polyfidelous like mine, or more open, is that from the get-go, everyone has sat down and said "ok here's the deal, etc" and that way, there aren't as many nasty surprises... I did that w/ my hubby, too, when we first started going out and moved in and all, and honestly, I think that's one reason we've been together so long (in this day and age, 13 years seems a long time to me, sorry). We all know what we want/expect out of each other (this includes the hubbies, as she discussed things w/ my hubby AND hers before even asking me into a relationship), and are taking it very slowly. This is my first poly relationship, and my 1st one w/ a woman. She has had relationships w/ women in the past, but this is her first poly one as well. After a few months, I fully expect another sit down talk to gauge if anything has changed, anyone having second thoughts, etc.

As for the difference tween hubby and gf, their differences actually compliment one another. My hubby's a very quiet, nonsocial type, who's not into PDAs (I suspect because his Japanese mother was not openly affectionate?), whereas my gf likes to hold hands and snuggle, and likes to go out and do things more often.

One thing they DO both do is enjoy taunting me about things... One will start in with playful banter and then the other'll play off it... *rolls eyes* silly people...

[HayashiTakara]

Personally, I only believe in Monogamy, but whatever floats your boat right?

Quick question, when you're old and pruny... how does that work? also, is the choice of polygamy because you can't choose who you love more? or is it simply a matter of the pleasure of the flesh? I'm always rather curious about that.

[cheyannew]

Personally, I only believe in Monogamy, but whatever floats your boat right?

Quick question, when you're old and pruny... how does that work? also, is the choice of polygamy because you can't choose who you love more? or is it simply a matter of the pleasure of the flesh? I'm always rather curious about that.

First, I'm not polygamous, as I'm only married to one person :) I am polyamourous because I happen to get emotionally attached to people, and in this case, it goes beyond friendship. Why do I need to choose between people? I love my husband in a different way than I love my girlfriend.

And When I'm old and pruny, everyone else in the relationship will be too... so it's kind of a moot point; we're not together because we like looking at each other (though we do, it's just not the primary reason).
And it's not about pleasures of the flesh; as mentioned earlier in the topic, I'm not even intimate with my girlfriend at this time (part of that taking it very slow thing).

We're together because it's the next step in the emotional bond we have, we enjoy each others company, and yes, there is attraction.

[HayashiTakara]

So your husband is allowed to sleep with other women than too right? It just all seems so complicated to me.

[RadiantBeam]

So your husband is allowed to sleep with other women than too right? It just all seems so complicated to me.

I believe she already said that she and her girlfriend aren't that intimate yet, they just kiss and hold hands and cuddle.

[cheyannew]

So your husband is allowed to sleep with other women than too right? It just all seems so complicated to me.


Poly isn't just about sex; it's about having multiple RELATIONSHIPS, whether they be sexual or not(like in my gf's case).

If my husband found a woman he REALLY hit it off with, and wanted to date her, she'd have to sit down with me so *I* could get to know her too, and then I'd discuss w/ hubby, set ground rules, etc. My preference is for thigns to go slowly, such as my gf and I're doing. I mean lets' face it, if he wants sex (same for me), we have one another; if he wants a 1 night stand, well, that's not in the cards. Not that I can see him doing that lol He's under this silly impression that I am the end all be all and he doesn't want anyone else (which works for him).

But the short answer is, within reason, if he found someone, then yes, again, within reason/keeping to the ground rules we have already discussed/agreed to.

[HayashiTakara]

Again, extremely complicated. I guess it's because I'm not involved in such a relationship structure. If it works for you, than coodles to you.

[2H-Dragon]

It's simple for me. I'd like to have to have multiple girls, though that won't work for me, religion aside. I believe in equal relationships. So if I can date multiple people so should she. I just couldn't stand to see my girl with someone else. That and one girl is enough to drive me mad, why get more. D:

[Ending]

Hmm... I think I wouldn't mind living with two gals. It makes kinda sense, since taking care of kids and stuff is work-intensive. The more there are people the better the job can be split. Or you can have even more kids :D

He's under this silly impression that I am the end all be all and he doesn't want anyone else (which works for him).
That's the traditional way of doing things, I suppose, even though you aren't the first ones to ponder this. There was actually a columnist a little while ago in one of our local Metro -magazines that was thinking of taking in another gal. Said that it would be nice to have a man for sex and a woman for the talks.

[cheyannew]

Hmm... I think I wouldn't mind living with two gals. It makes kinda sense, since taking care of kids and stuff is work-intensive. The more there are people the better the job can be split. Or you can have even more kids :D
.

Indeed; when we were discussing having someone move from the west coast to live w/ us, be our partner, etc, the plan was that me and hubby would work, she'd stay home during the day w/ her daughter (both of mine're in school, hers is only 3), and do the whole house-mom type thing, and then go to night school, while we watch her daughter.

I'm all about the tribe mentality when it comes to that kind of thing ;)

[Mystique]

Was reading some of the questions earlier in terms of sexual gratification vs emotional gratification, so I'm gonna toss this snippet just to see if it can shed some light on things.
It’s based off my original question to Chey earlier in the year which as I see it, I was kinda half right, not half off (of which she clarified it for me)

But in the case that others may be thinking along the same track, here's a tidit on open marriages for ya.

Open Marriage Styles:
Styles of open marriage are distinctions between open marriages based on the motives for participating in open marriage and on the nature of extramarital relationships.

Couples in open marriages may prefer different kinds of extramarital relationships.

* Couples who prefer extramarital relationships emphasizing love and emotional involvement have a polyamorous style of open marriage.
* Couples who prefer extramarital relationships emphasizing sexual gratification and recreational friendships have a swinging style of open marriage.

These distinctions may depend on psychological factors such as sociosexuality and may contribute to the formation of separate Polyamory and Swinging communities.
Despite their distinctions, however, all open marriages share common issues: the lack of social acceptance, the need to maintain the relationship as a couple, and the need to manage jealous rivalry.

In simple terms, swinging would be couples meeting others mainly for the purpose of sex and casual sexual activities.
Poly(ing?) :p - Would be couples meeting others mainly to complement or enhance their emotional (and/or sexual if it goes that far) with each other.
Polyamory differs from polygamy, which refers to multiple marriage (although the word "polygamy" is often used to refer only to polygyny: one man with several wives.) Traditional polygamy is usually patriarchical and often claims a religious justification.

Polyamory, on the other hand, is a more modern outlook grounded in such concepts as gender equality, self-determination, free choice for all involved, mutual trust, equal respect among partners, the intrinsic value of love, the ideal of compersion, and other mostly secular ideals.
As of July, 2009 there are estimated to be more than 500,000 polyamorous relationships in the United States.
This is definitely a different aspect from a man having 10 'wives' and 20 kids as it'd most likely be the women who emotionally support each other on a daily basis.
However in Chey's case, while it may be a 'having my cake and eating it' situation, everyone has the additional responsibility of making sure the cake doesn't go bad since there are more lives at stake here. (the kids for one)

It's more work in my opinion, but the benefits for her fulfil and complement her life, so if something works for someone and they're working hard to keep it healthy, then more power to her.

I can understand the simple concept of swinging for couples in long term marriages as a way to 'step into a new world and experience different tastes and styles sexually', using it as an enhancement rather than a 'replacement' to fill something that doesn't feel enough, but with poly, emphasising on the 'emotional' aspect, as in enjoying close relationships with others that surpass intimacy of just friendships, I can't help but think, 'why the need for more'?

Sexual enhancement is one thing, but emotional enhancement sounds more 'critical'?
What additional aspect (kisses and sex aside) is there with being with your gf that others may also be able to achieve via deep friendships (so they're known as 'uncle' or 'auntie') either with single pple or another couple?
(Almost feels like a "friends with benefits" but living and being an active part of each others lives)

As in, was it more a case of:
'I've kinda got feelings with her and wanna see if we can develop it further and become part of each others lives, with concent of everyone who is to be involved'?
Or a joint decision with hubby and a 'let's go find someone to complement us', of which you actively began looking?

Thus is my two pence for the week :p

[Cub-Sama]

Hmm... I think I wouldn't mind living with two gals. It makes kinda sense, since taking care of kids and stuff is work-intensive. The more there are people the better the job can be split. Or you can have even more kids :D

Thing is one wife/husband is bound to be loved less than the other which can lead to other problems especially if the person in more than 1 relationship starts to show favouritism to a certain person.

[cheyannew]

Thing is one wife/husband is bound to be loved less than the other which can lead to other problems especially if the person in more than 1 relationship starts to show favouritism to a certain person.

I have to sincerely disagree with this.

You can have multiple children and love them equally, why can't you have multiple partners?

And you've missed the point about discussing which is primary vs secondary; I can't speak for other relationships, because mine/s a primary/secondary one.

But it's pretty obvious neither of us will love the other in the same way we do our husbands.

In a situation like the one described, where there's multiple "wives" (some call them sisterwives, whatever), one assumes that this has already been discussed. If it's a woman joining an already existing couple, she's going into it knowing full well the primary relationship is just that.

[Ending]

Thing is one wife/husband is bound to be loved less than the other which can lead to other problems especially if the person in more than 1 relationship starts to show favouritism to a certain person.
Personally, I don't believe in love, so it's pretty easy for me to understand marriage only as a arrangement of convinience. I.e: formal pact that you are going to take care of the kids until they grow up and stay with your partner(s) until the end. I think it's what most women want, so even if you add in one or more other women is still in line with that want.

Sure, love is somewhere there among with monetary issues, screaming babies, toilet training, college fees, work, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc, but definitely not as the top-most issue. If it's a threesome every partner gotta take care of those jobs even if they are a bit cranky that day.

[Proto]

Personally, I don't believe in love

Hmm... well it's not really a matter of belief. The chemical reaction, psychological process and general understanding for passionate love, caring love, noble love, platonic love have all been known for quite some years. Rest easy. It's not an urban legend. :p

[Cinocard]

Personally, I don't believe in love,

Woa, all kinds of love, or just mutual love between men and women?

[RadiantBeam]

Personally, I don't believe in love.

Hate to say it, but taking out all the romance and courtship of love, it's mostly just a chemical reaction in the brain so we can reproduce. :heh: So love does exist, though it's scientific form isn't half as appealing as passionate love, noble love, caring love, or platonic love. :heh:

[Ending]

Woa, all kinds of love, or just mutual love between men and women?
The kind of undying blind love they advertise in flicks. IMO, as a word, it has become kinda boring.

It's not an urban legend.
Not saying it is. Just that care has its reasons. I.e: convinience. Having three partners is convinient, is it not? ;)

[Proto]

Just that care has its reasons. I.e: convinience.

Uh... well of course. Every human out there is out to live for their own convenience. There's no such thing as true altruism. Charity is self satisfaction. Love is self gratification. Friendship is just self consolation. And there's nothing wrong with that. That's just evolution at work. Ever read the selfish gene by Richard Dawkins? Despite all of this we live on and people have their lifes, and they have been doing so for 2 million years now. No use crying over spilled milk.

[Ending]

Ye, sounds like stating the obvious, doesn't it? :p

[Proto]

We are both stating the same but from different points of view. You seem to despise love as something that only comes from self convenience. I embrace that concept and accept it as it is.

[RadiantBeam]

Love is extremely self convenient. It's something that makes us feel good and valued, even if we love someone back just as much. It's not a bad thing, that's just how it works.

[Ending]

@ Proto

Which brings me to the next point and my all time favorite forum grenade (http://www.politicsforum.org/images/flame_warriors/flame_64.php): prostitution.

If love is about convinience, why oppose purchasing sex when it only serves to fulfill this need?

[cheyannew]

@ Proto

Which brings me to the next point and my all time favorite forum grenade (http://www.politicsforum.org/images/flame_warriors/flame_64.php): prostitution.

If love is about convinience, why oppose purchasing sex when it only serves to fulfill this need? Who said that you can't buy love?

That can have its own thread; the validity of love as a feeling was questionably on topic, but prostitution's a whole other subject, and oe I'd prefer be kept out of this thread, thanks.

[2H-Dragon]

That can have its own thread; the validity of love as a feeling was questionably on topic, but prostitution's a whole other subject, and oe I'd prefer be kept out of this thread, thanks.

Imo it's actually a pretty interesting point. If people are okay with polygamy. In the sense that people need to fulfill their needs. Then what's wrong with prostitution?

When I think about it I'd put in on the same level of polygamy. o_O

[cheyannew]

Imo it's actually a pretty interesting point. If people are okay with polygamy. In the sense that people need to fulfill their needs. Then what's wrong with prostitution?

When I think about it I'd put in on the same level of polygamy. o_O


Not really; the poly lifestyle is about relationships, not paying someone for sex.
Hence why I'd prefer to keep it out of this thread.

And again, it's not just about polygamy, as that implies marriage of a sort between the parties. It also encompasses polyamourism and the like (which may or mat not (usually don't) include marriage between all involved).

[2H-Dragon]

Not really; the poly lifestyle is about relationships, not paying someone for sex.
Hence why I'd prefer to keep it out of this thread.

And again, it's not just about polygamy, as that implies marriage of a sort between the parties. It also encompasses polyamourism and the like (which may or mat not (usually don't) include marriage between all involved).
Then foremost reason for married couples to "open" up their relationship seems to be lack of excitement and sex does play a major role in it. If you are okay with seeing someone for just the sex, I don't think it differs that much from prostitution tbh.

Yes I know polygamy isn't just about sex, but I know a lot of guys wouldn't even bother starting multiple relationships if sex wasn't there. And honestly if the extra relationships isn't just about sex, I'd feel pretty sad for the main partner.

[cheyannew]

Then foremost reason for married couples to "open" up their relationship seems to be lack of excitement and sex does play a major role in it. If you are okay with seeing someone for just the sex, I don't think it differs that much from prostitution tbh.

Yes I know polygamy isn't just about sex, but I know a lot of guys wouldn't even bother starting multiple relationships if sex wasn't there. And honestly if the extra relationships isn't just about sex, I'd feel pretty sad for the main partner.

Then please feel free to open up a "prostitution" topic. As far as I know, polyamorous couples/triads/quads do not employ such methods, likely for health reasons and quite frankly, they're pointless when you consider polyamoury is about relationships, not just sex.

It's of note I know of several secondary relationships (such as mine) where sex is not a focus. My girlfriend and I are not currently intimate, but have a very strong emotional bond. And I can assure you, neither of our primary partners is sad about that.

I repeat; polyamoury is not just about sex. Even its definition states such: the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time.

To my knowledge, through talking with other polys, reading, etc, it actually seems like more of a tribal mentality when it comes to the "why". Yes, obviously there's attraction, but your partner(s) don't have to move in with you, as many polys do. They create a kind of tribal community, where everyone helps with finances, house duties, child rearing (if applicable), etc. In a classic V relationship, 2 of the partners are not intimate with one another, but the bond could (should?) still be present for them all to live together. Therefore, that again negates the "just for sex" mentality.

I do agree that sex is usually a part of relationships, whether poly or mono, but it is not the sole purpose of relationships.

[FragrantFlora]

So Cheyannew, let's say your children grew up and they also wanted to take part in polyamorous relationships would you guide them and support them on this?

[cheyannew]

So Cheyannew, let's say your children grew up and they also wanted to take part in polyamorous relationships would you guide them and support them on this?

Of course; why would I not?

I'd be more than happy to have family gatherings involving them and al their partners, and so on.

There's a reason I'm looking to buy a 4k sq ft house ;)

I would of course expect them to be honest to all partners, because once there's sneaking of lying, then it's cheating and that I am vehemently against. Of course if they say "opinion noted mom" and continue to see the person, that's their choice. I don't want to get embroiled in any adultery charges, though.

[RadiantBeam]

So if your kids grew up, decided to have a poylamorous relationship, and came to you for advice, what would you have to say to them about it based on your own experiences?

[2H-Dragon]

Then please feel free to open up a "prostitution" topic. As far as I know, polyamorous couples/triads/quads do not employ such methods, likely for health reasons and quite frankly, they're pointless when you consider polyamoury is about relationships, not just sex.

It's of note I know of several secondary relationships (such as mine) where sex is not a focus. My girlfriend and I are not currently intimate, but have a very strong emotional bond. And I can assure you, neither of our primary partners is sad about that.

I repeat; polyamoury is not just about sex. Even its definition states such: the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time.

To my knowledge, through talking with other polys, reading, etc, it actually seems like more of a tribal mentality when it comes to the "why". Yes, obviously there's attraction, but your partner(s) don't have to move in with you, as many polys do. They create a kind of tribal community, where everyone helps with finances, house duties, child rearing (if applicable), etc. In a classic V relationship, 2 of the partners are not intimate with one another, but the bond could (should?) still be present for them all to live together. Therefore, that again negates the "just for sex" mentality.

I do agree that sex is usually a part of relationships, whether poly or mono, but it is not the sole purpose of relationships.
What I then don't get how come your main partner isn't enough in a non-sexual way. If you need more in a non sexual way. Why isn't a platonic friend enough?

Don't you feel any jealousy? If you don't then you might want to think if you really care about your significant other. Or do you just stay together for finances? For the kids(which just seems hypocritical on multiple levels)?

[Nogitsune]

What I then don't get how come your main partner isn't enough in a non-sexual way. If you need more in a non sexual way. Why isn't a platonic friend enough?

Don't you feel any jealousy? If you don't then you might want to think if you really care about your significant other. Or do you just stay together for finances? For the kids(which just seems hypocritical on multiple levels)?

It always irks me when people force their own values on others and then accuse them of engaging in self-deception. It's all right not to understand something and ask questions, but the second paragraph here sounds rather insulting to me.
I think cheyannew made it perfectly clear already that everyone involved is fine with the ways things are, and that that it's indeed about more than sex or finances or whatever else you might think. It's all right if it wouldn't work for you, but if someone thinks they are in love and says so, it's not your place to accuse them of lying or hypocrisy. People define "love" very differently, and while you might not be able to imagine love without jealousy the moment more than two people are involved, it does not have to be the same for everyone else.

[2H-Dragon]

It always irks me when people force their own values on others and then accuse them of engaging in self-deception. It's all right not to understand something and ask questions, but the second paragraph here sounds rather insulting to me.
I think cheyannew made it perfectly clear already that everyone involved is fine with the ways things are, and that that it's indeed about more than sex or finances or whatever else you might think. It's all right if it wouldn't work for you, but if someone thinks they are in love and says so, it's not your place to accuse them of lying or hypocrisy. People define "love" very differently, and while you might not be able to imagine love without jealousy the moment more than two people are involved, it does not have to be the same for everyone else.
It always irks me when someone wants a discussion, but nothing gets discussed. Do I have to say IMO everytime I write a sentence? I'm not forcing my value's. I'm asking questions. I'm stating my views that's the whole point of a discussion. The reason I'm asking those question is because it intrigues me why someone who is raised in a similar environment has different views.

Or should I have just said; Good for you!

[Nogitsune]

It always irks me when someone wants a discussion, but nothing gets discussed. Do I have to say IMO everytime I write a sentence? I'm not forcing my value's. I'm asking questions. I'm stating my views that's the whole point of a discussion. The reason I'm asking those question is because it intrigues me why someone who is raised in a similar environment has different views.

Or should I have just said; Good for you!

Ah, my only problem was that you asked if something was the case cheyannew already said wasn't, and that you were doing so in a way that seemed to make some negative implications. But if that's just how it came across to me, then I apologize for misunderstanding.

[Mystique]

What I then don't get how come your main partner isn't enough in a non-sexual way. If you need more in a non sexual way. Why isn't a platonic friend enough?

Don't you feel any jealousy? If you don't then you might want to think if you really care about your significant other. Or do you just stay together for finances? For the kids(which just seems hypocritical on multiple levels)?
I'll add to this as well, since I asked the same thing in my post here
http://forums.animesuki.com/showthread.php?p=2726690#post2726690
Which our lovely host failed to comment on (this was before your body turned greenhouse on you mind) :)

At present, Chey's keeling over to rising body temps and is somewhat poorly, but will try to answer comments here asap :)

[HayashiTakara]

Ok... I have to say this and also ask.

Aren't you worried that your husband will start to feel emotionally abandoned?

For me when I was 19, I dated a Bi-sexual, although I didn't know until roughly 2 months into the relationship in which she told me she had a girlfriend also. I was intrigued at the time as any young man would, since most men do dream of having a threesome at some point in their lives. It was fun for awhile, but once the novelty wore off I started feeling emotionally empty with the relationship.

She would go off to do stuff with her girlfriend leaving me with my thumb up my ass every so often. And whenever we're together she's there also, the times that we are alone started to become seldom. It didn't even feel like we were a couple anymore. Eventually I had to be true to myself and asked her to choose either me or her lifestyle. Although she seemed upset at losing me, she didn't hesitate to not give up her lifestyle of multiple partners.

Aren't you afraid of having your emotions drift from one another? It's only natural to love one more than the other. If your husband gave you that ultimatum what would your decision be?

[Narona]

I think cheyannew made it perfectly clear already that everyone involved is fine with the ways things are, and that that it's indeed about more than sex or finances or whatever else you might think. It's all right if it wouldn't work for you, but if someone thinks they are in love and says so, it's not your place to accuse them of lying or hypocrisy. People define "love" very differently, and while you might not be able to imagine love without jealousy the moment more than two people are involved, it does not have to be the same for everyone else.
I think a lot of people are also curious. And since Cheyannew is the only self proclamed poly person here, they ask her some questions about those who live polyamorous relationships, even when Cheyannew is not directly concerned.

Things are ok the way it is, but for example (I'm asking that to you, now Chey, ^^) would you not feel any disturbances in your lovelife if your husband dates another woman (for example, your GF), makes a baby to her, and then starts spending way more time with them than with you and your kids (even more if the girl is not part of your life) ?

The thing I wonder is that you can't be present for two persons at the same time, and they'll be moment when you'll spend more time with one person. Correct me if I am wrong, but your relationship is also helped by the fact that you, your husband, your GF, and your GF's husband know each other very well, and you spend time all together. But would it work as well if you or your husband were also in love with somebody outside of that circle? Somebody who for example, want to spend time with your husband, but not with you, while being ok that your husband has "two wifes"?

[cheyannew]

I think a lot of people are also curious. And since Cheyannew is the only self proclamed poly person here, they ask her some questions about those who live polyamorous relationships, even when Cheyannew is not directly concerned.

Things are ok the way it is, but for example (I'm asking that to you, now Chey, ^^) would you not feel any disturbances in your lovelife if your husband dates another woman (for example, your GF), makes a baby to her, and then starts spending way more time with them than with you and your kids (even more if the girl is not part of your life) ?

The thing I wonder is that you can't be present for two persons at the same time, and they'll be moment when you'll spend more time with one person. Correct me if I am wrong, but your relationship is also helped by the fact that you, your husband, your GF, and your GF's husband know each other very well, and you spend time all together. But would it work as well if you or your husband were also in love with somebody outside of that circle? Somebody who for example, want to spend time with your husband, but not with you, while being ok that your husband has "two wifes"?

OK I have lots to catch up on, but the bolded part caught my eye... Sorry but this fever's going into its 4th day and I'm on the computer looking for a Dr office #.
I've explained many times in this thread that there will be no breeding; neither of us (me or her) are capable of having any more children. It's also been decided LONG ago before we ever even thought about pursuing Poly that there'd be no more kids; my hubby is happy w/ the 2 he has, and had mentioned getting a vasectomy should we ever find a 3rd to prevent any mishaps (aka condom failure, etc)
If they decide to get into a relationship, I'm all for it. I wont' be neglected because that's not how things work. I'm his primary, just like he's my primary, and primaries come first. That's the agreement that was made before any exploring happened.
If he finds a gf on his own, she has to pass my "inspection" so to speak, and a lot of discussions would happen so she understands where she stands on things, that there would be no breeding, and so on. And the agreement we made before we started pursuing this, was that whoever we find must be willing to be a part of our lives. OUR lives, not just 1 or the other. While my gf may not be having a relationship w/ my gf, she IS a part of both our lives, as they're friends, her hubby's friends, etc.

[cheyannew]

However in Chey's case, while it may be a 'having my cake and eating it' situation, everyone has the additional responsibility of making sure the cake doesn't go bad since there are more lives at stake here. (the kids for one)
It's more work in my opinion, but the benefits for her fulfil and complement her life, so if something works for someone and they're working hard to keep it healthy, then more power to her.
Sexual enhancement is one thing, but emotional enhancement sounds more 'critical'?
What additional aspect (kisses and sex aside) is there with being with your gf that others may also be able to achieve via deep friendships (so they're known as 'uncle' or 'auntie') either with single pple or another couple?
(Almost feels like a "friends with benefits" but living and being an active part of each others lives)
As in, was it more a case of:
'I've kinda got feelings with her and wanna see if we can develop it further and become part of each others lives, with concent of everyone who is to be involved'?
Or a joint decision with hubby and a 'let's go find someone to complement us', of which you actively began looking?

Thus is my two pence for the week :p

I bolded the most relevant part.

You see, hubby and I had originally decided to look for a fully equal third (your 2nd line), but have had no luck (seeing as you have to be *REALLY* picky about bringing a third in. So for about 2 years, the discussions have happened, etc but we didn't find anyone (save for the woman who won't move off the bloody west coast).

Then one night, my gf talked w/ her hubby about the feelings she was having, and then contacted mine, and talked to him, and got both their permission to ask me to court. THEN she contacted me, and I talked again face to face w/ my hubby before I ever gave her an answer. Thus, it ended up your first line, where we're exploring feelings that are there. I'm an affectionate person and well known to hug friends, etc, but I don't hold hands with them or kiss and snuggle on the couch ;) We were already a good part of each other's lives simply for having been friends for 6+ years.

And, kissing or sex aside, there is, to me, a level of comfort and trust you have in a lover that's different than with a regular friend. There are different feelings involved (like that look you give one another that says "I adore you" and so on.)

I might not be explaining it well, but seriously, I'm more likely on my way to the ER today than supposed to be on the computer HAHA

[cheyannew]

Ok... I have to say this and also ask.

Aren't you worried that your husband will start to feel emotionally abandoned?

For me when I was 19, I dated a Bi-sexual, although I didn't know until roughly 2 months into the relationship in which she told me she had a girlfriend also. I was intrigued at the time as any young man would, since most men do dream of having a threesome at some point in their lives. It was fun for awhile, but once the novelty wore off I started feeling emotionally empty with the relationship.

She would go off to do stuff with her girlfriend leaving me with my thumb up my ass every so often. And whenever we're together she's there also, the times that we are alone started to become seldom. It didn't even feel like we were a couple anymore. Eventually I had to be true to myself and asked her to choose either me or her lifestyle. Although she seemed upset at losing me, she didn't hesitate to not give up her lifestyle of multiple partners.

Aren't you afraid of having your emotions drift from one another? It's only natural to love one more than the other. If your husband gave you that ultimatum what would your decision be?

It sounds to me like your ex wasn't practicing polyamoury, because if she HAD been, she'd've let you know right off the bat, and there would've been discussions on who the primary was etc.
I would never ignore my husband o.O After 13 years together, that would be absurd, and no one is worth messing up what I have with him. My husband knows full and well I have feelings for others, but he is also VERY confident that he is my #1 and always will be.

[RadiantBeam]

OK I have lots to catch up on, but the bolded part caught my eye... Sorry but this fever's going into its 4th day and I'm on the computer looking for a Dr office #.
I've explained many times in this thread that there will be no breeding; neither of us (me or her) are capable of having any more children. It's also been decided LONG ago before we ever even thought about pursuing Poly that there'd be no more kids; my hubby is happy w/ the 2 he has, and had mentioned getting a vasectomy should we ever find a 3rd to prevent any mishaps (aka condom failure, etc)
If they decide to get into a relationship, I'm all for it. I wont' be neglected because that's not how things work. I'm his primary, just like he's my primary, and primaries come first. That's the agreement that was made before any exploring happened.
If he finds a gf on his own, she has to pass my "inspection" so to speak, and a lot of discussions would happen so she understands where she stands on things, that there would be no breeding, and so on. And the agreement we made before we started pursuing this, was that whoever we find must be willing to be a part of our lives. OUR lives, not just 1 or the other. While my gf may not be having a relationship w/ my gf, she IS a part of both our lives, as they're friends, her hubby's friends, etc.

Sorry, but I think you misunderstood the question. :heh:

What if your husband decides to date another woman, and then decides to have a child with this other woman, assuming that she's capable of having children? Would you just accept that as part of the lifestyle if he discussed it with you, or would you feel hurt and betrayed by his decision?

[cheyannew]

Sorry, but I think you misunderstood the question. :heh:

What if your husband decides to date another woman, and then decides to have a child with this other woman, assuming that she's capable of having children? Would you just accept that as part of the lifestyle if he discussed it with you, or would you feel hurt and betrayed by his decision?

Neither, as it would never happen. The agreement is that our 2 are his only 2. Should he find a gf, or whatever, he'll get a vasectomy, thus negating any worry about her trying to breed with him.

[RadiantBeam]

Neither, as it would never happen. The agreement is that our 2 are his only 2. Should he find a gf, or whatever, he'll get a vasectomy, thus negating any worry about her trying to breed with him.

But is that fair to him? What if he loves her and wants to have a child with her, given the time and thought? You'll just deny it because he's your husband? That doesn't sound like an equal trade.

[HayashiTakara]

Neither, as it would never happen. The agreement is that our 2 are his only 2. Should he find a gf, or whatever, he'll get a vasectomy, thus negating any worry about her trying to breed with him.

Isn't it being... I don't know... selfish? Its like you can do what you want, but he can't?

You must have some massive will power though... I can't think of one person who can sit alone in the dark snuggling with the person they love and kissing, and not lead to sex.

[cheyannew]

But is that fair to him? What if he loves her and wants to have a child with her, given the time and thought? You'll just deny it because he's your husband? That doesn't sound like an equal trade.

Uhm, it was his idea to begin with, so I'd have to assume it's fair to him. He doesn't WANT anymore kids...

Ilove how people assume I'm the one making all the decisions here...

[cheyannew]

Isn't it being... I don't know... selfish? Its like you can do what you want, but he can't?

You must have some massive will power though... I can't think of one person who can sit alone in the dark snuggling with the person they love and kissing, and not lead to sex.

I do have massive willpower, actually; I quit drinking and smoking cold turkey and haven't looked back since.

And no, as noted to the last reply, it's not selfish at all, since it was *HIS* bloody idea.... I asked him back when we were discussing finding a 3rd about more kids and he doesn't want anymore, and it was HIS idea to get snipped so it wouldn't have to be an issue/worry.

[RadiantBeam]

Uhm, it was his idea to begin with, so I'd have to assume it's fair to him. He doesn't WANT anymore kids...

Ilove how people assume I'm the one making all the decisions here...

Okay then, you never said it was his idea, so I apologize.

[HayashiTakara]

Wait, his idea to not get a girlfriend?

[cheyannew]

Wait, his idea to not get a girlfriend?

No, LOL his idea to not have anymore kids....
I admit that's likely partly my fault; I didn't *WANT* to only be able to carry 2 to term, and develop a medical condition that required parts being all cut out and so on.
Maybe he feels that were he to have kids w/ another, it'd hurt me, but he's never said as such. he simply maintains that he's happy just having our 2, and for that matter, he's happy w/ just me right now.

[Habhome]

I haven't read all of this thread, just skimmed the first few pages and the last.

Being the person I am I can't do anything else but respect that you and your husband, GF, etc. are fine with this. If you are all in on it, I can find nothing wrong with it.

Though me myself could never ever do something like this. I am as mono as it gets, and if my girlfriend were to seriously suggest something like this I'd have a really hard time keeping with her, knowing she'd want someone else also. And if I found out she were going out with someone else, I wouldn't be able to look her in the eye again.

I apologize for my comment in the dating thread, but seeing as I'm new around here, and my viewpoint on it being as it is, I hope you'll forgive me.


My girlfriend often tells me that she wouldn't mind if I went out and found another girlfriend (long distance relationships are a killer, donchaknow), but I just can't bring myself to do it.


I'm in a long distance relationship myself, and I agree that it is indeed a pain. My girlfriend on the other hand is saying the complete opposite of what yours is saying. She says that she'd never forgive me if I got another girl.