Unbroken
In times like this, I’m glad I have someone who’s willing to be a listening ear. It’s funny—I’ve never been the type to complain. I’d rather do things. Solve problems. It seemed stupid to talk about problems when it doesn’t do anything to fix it.
I guess talking helps you feel better about things you can’t fix.
I might as well start now, huh?
Ever since I arrived at the Silver Star Tower, I’ve been caught in these loops in time. I could only remember up to five loops at a time, but apparently I’ve been reliving these unbroken loops for ages. Thousands of times, I don’t know. Thank God I couldn’t remember them all. I can’t imagine what I might have done if I could.
As far as I remembered, all the loops had been the same. Except for the last one.
That was the Philosopher’s Stone part. Breaking the Stone breaks the loops, as you know. If I failed to break the stone I’d be sent back, forgetting everything about it and starting the loops over again.
And that last time, I was going to do it. I was so close.
And a devil interrupted and ruined it all.
**X**
Lillet cast another Hades Gate, spamming ten ghost summons. She directed them up six floors for the Astronomy tower crystal, and ordered her fairies to guide the elves towards the third floor corner crystal. Another dragon egg popped out of the demonic rune, a demon rolling it carefully towards the rest of Lillet’s entrenched forces.
A scream rose above the rhythmic thrumming of the hazy Runes. She focused harder, shutting out the familiar voice and etched a Laboratory Rune behind her front ranks. Wow, Grimlet worked fast this time—Margarita was in the Library, the furthest point from the Philosopher’s Stone chamber beneath Lillet’s room.
Almost done—Lillet sent eight more ghosts down to the kitchen, capturing the last free mana crystal in the Tower. She checked her pocket watch as the last of her initial wave of familiars poured out of their Runes, lining up into defensive patterns so familiar she didn’t need to look up to ascertain their placement.
Three seconds faster than last time.
The sound of shattering glass broke through Lillet’s concentration for a second, snapping her gaze up and through the ceiling.
She couldn’t see Dr. Chartreuse’s lab, but she knew where it was, her eyes fixated on the crack in the stone slab that was the most direct, incorporeal path to the laboratory.
Lillet looked down and put her watch away.
She was making dumb mistakes now—she hadn’t hit her fastest time of 30:45 in a while.
The Tower was dead silent.
Grimlet was getting faster too.
**X**
I don’t know if devils are used to the kind of power contained in the Philosopher’s Stone, but human girls definitely aren’t. It was like being squeezed through a hole that kept constricting until my limbs didn’t feel like they were where they should be. It was worse in my head. Imagine a brain being thrown on the ground and bursting like a cheap waterskin. My consciousness felt like the water pooling outwards and coalescing into discrete drops inches from each other.
I don’t know how I came out the other side sane.
Ha. Maybe I’m not.
That would be funny, wouldn’t it?
Not really, but I’m sure you could see
some humour in it.
Anyways…I thought I had gotten away. Outsmarted the devil and all. Safe. Then I heard the bells. Not so bad, I had thought, being back in the loops. At least I can redo it all again. And even better, this time I was right in the Philosopher’s Stone room, so I can get started on Calvaros’s Runes right away.
And it all was okay, until I felt the rift.
Time is a funny thing. Five, maybe six seconds ahead of the devil, but on the other side of time I got thirty minutes. By now, thirty minutes is a pretty long time.
That first time?
Well…let me tell you what dying feels like.
**X**
“Why are we here, Lillet Blan?” Amoretta asked, her angelic voice terse with concealed anger. “After everyone else was killed by that monster?”
Lillet didn’t answer her, merely sitting heavily down on the steps leading up to the pedestal where the Philosopher’s Stone glittered.
“We should be searching for Grimlet—”
“It doesn’t matter, he’s not going to bother us.”
“What do you mean?”
Lillet shrugged, taking her hat off and dropping it in the dust next to her. An imp eyed it contemplatively, but shrunk back to his post when Lillet gave him a weary glare. “He said he was going to wait.”
“Since when can a devil’s word be trusted?” Amoretta replied.
“He won’t come. He’s waiting to see what I do.”
“I don’t understand.”
Lillet laughed, too burnt out to cry. “This is the first time you’ve stayed alive for so long. He wants to see if I’m going to do it. Can I leave everyone else dead just to have you? Can I stand going through this all over again? It’s interesting to him. It’s a game we’ve been playing, and I’ve been losing hundreds and hundreds of times. He wants to see if I have the guts to try and win this time.”
“You’re not making any sense, Lillet Blan.” Amoretta turned her gaze to the fortified room, her red eyes taking in the assembled army. “With this many familiars you can kill the devil. Banish him from this world and right the wrongs he has committed.”
“There’s no point in killing Grimlet.”
“You can’t let a devil go free!”
Lillet rested her head on a fist, closing her eyes. “I might have done it, you know. But you knew, didn’t you? You knew I wouldn’t.”
“Who are you talking to? I barely know you, Miss Blan.”
“What’s the point when she hates me?” Lillet started laughing, pressing the heels of her palms to her forehead. “What’s the point? It’s all for nothing!”
Amoretta was backing away. Lillet didn’t care.
The midnight bells were tolling, after all.
**X**
Your body doesn’t know it’s dying, you know.
It’s your brain that has to realize it first.
God, once it does…suddenly you’re not tired, you’re terrified, and your limbs jerk to run but you’re too weak to move. So you fall. And once you hit the ground, your brain realizes that it’s about to die.
I would have bargained, if God listened. I would have cried, but I was already crying and had no more tears.
And the pain.
It ebbs and flows—suddenly filling every inch of you, then exploding away into coldness.
I think my throat was crushed the first time. It was so long ago. Yeah, throat-crushing, I’m pretty sure. It was cruel, how slowly I died. Nothing but agony and fear and dread, and knowing I had failed everyone I cared about.
Something like that screws you up.
Waking up again is hell. I don’t care what real hell is like. Waking up and remembering how it felt to have your soul slipping away…feeling like Heaven didn’t want you, because why else would you be waking up in a cold dark room, with those bells ringing through the stone and having the pall of helplessness fall over you?
Knowing your life and soul is chained to a devil…that’s what despair feels like.
**X**
Margarita cringed, cowering behind Lillet. Lillet let her. She wasn’t afraid to look into the burning black pits of Grimlet’s eyes anymore.
Familiarity overcomes fear, typically. Or atypically, in this case.
“So Lillet,” Grimlet rasped, his lipless teeth open in a grin. “It has been four days. Are you actually going to wait another sunrise? I would think if you really wanted to pick this simpering girl, you would have broken the Stone already and ended this cycle. Why the long wait?”
Lillet shrugged. “Maybe I needed a few days break.”
“So soon? I let you have all five days the last two-score times. I did not even rush you—was that not gallant of me?”
“You’re still a devil, a cruel beast, and a psychotic monster.”
“Ah, what praise. For those kind words, I will make a promise—if you break the Stone this time, I will not pursue you and your little friend. You will be free to live your mortal lives until death catches you from other claws than mine.” Grimlet cackled, tossing his horned head back in mirth. “Is it not more interesting now?”
“Why?” whispered Lillet. “Why are you doing this?”
“My dear, escape is so mundane. This game is more amusing than any measure of freedom in your mortal world or the nine hells! So, Lillet Blan—will you try for victory?”
**X**
Can I tell you a secret?
I liked the loops where I died. It was exhausting having to recreate my Runes and defenses around the Philosopher’s Stone so soon, but at least I didn’t have to endure the days of waiting. I felt like a prisoner on death row, waiting and waiting for the end to come but never knowing if the next minute the door was going to slam open and it was time. Especially at the beginning, when I never knew if I was going to be attacked, or ambushed, or if another of my friends was going to die shrieking, their insides strewn over my face.
At least when I died, I got 30 minutes of respite.
I wondered, as time went on, if I should just kill myself right as I…respawned. Would that break the loop? Would that interfere with how much time I had on my own at the beginning of a loop? In the end, I didn’t dare.
Those kind of things still mattered to me then.
Do I care now?
Well, in all honesty, I don’t know.
Probably not.
But after so many turns, it seemed a betrayal to risk giving up my advantage. Like, what was the point at this time? The time for experimenting was long past. Now is about enduring, persisting to the end.
Maybe that’s now.
It would be nice to finally have an ending.
**X**
“Hiram, the staircase!” Lillet shouted as more phantoms glided from her Rune to the hallway intersection. The demon who had broken through quickly fell under their fiery swords, but it was too late.
Hiram was on his knees, gagging as he fought against throwing up from exhaustion. He looked up, his silvery hair lank and mussed, staring desperately through his cracked glasses.
The dragon smashed through his Rune, roaring as it advanced.
Lillet redirected her chimera towards the staircase, the leonine-beasts snarling as their legs spun, ripping at the dragon as her fairy horde flew past, firing a flight of arrows at Grimlet’s last Rune.
The Rune shattered, red wisps curling into nothingness.
“One hour and four seconds,” Grimlet declared, his ruby skull smirking through the wall of flames above them.
“NO!” Lillet screamed, overwhelmed and furious and defeated.
Hiram wailed as bodies fell behind the fire, shadowy figures dropping one by one, the entire row toppling onto the steps limply. Lillet sunk to her knees, apathetic to the long tongues of blood that crept towards them.
“You liar!” Hiram bellowed. “Cheat!”
“He doesn’t cheat,” Lillet said. She banished her summons, unable to bear the sad sympathy from the fairies and elves who tried to comfort them. “You tried your best. You lasted longer than Bartido did, at any rate. We didn’t even get close that time.”
“Bartido? What the hell are you talking about?”
“I can’t do this anymore,” Lillet whispered, lowering her head.
Hiram stared at her. Then he lurched to his feet, his limbs moving like they were weighed down with guilt. “Let’s go. I can’t stay here anymore. I need to get out of here.”
“Do what you want,” Lillet said dully. She rested her head back against a pillar, staring up at the burnt hangings and melted haunches of the floor above them. Should she bother waiting four days, or should she just slit her wrists now?
**X**
It was easier to endure in the beginning. When it was just casting Runes and fighting I could concentrate on my goal: “Defeat Grimlet.” That made it simple, knowing I had a clear objective, and I knew what it meant to win and what it meant to lose. I could persist because I believed I could do better, I could save everyone and win.
I didn’t destroy the Stone right off because I wanted to save Professor Gammel. I couldn’t condemn him to death, not when all he wanted to do was keep everyone safe by taking the burden on himself. Besides, my winning condition was everyone whole and alive, and I thought I was clever enough to make it happen.
I’m pretty clever.
But once my weakness was out, I lost my advantage.
My initiative slipped away, and that let my enemy get the upper hand. I went from acting to reacting, and that’s when it all went wrong.
It took me about 40 to 50 minutes to secure the Philosopher’s Stone. It only took longer before because I was fighting while defending, but just pure defense doesn’t take that long. With every reset, I got faster. My strategy became more nuanced, more adaptable. My army grew stronger.
But I was never fast enough.
A lot of people can die in 20 minutes. A lot can die in 10 minutes.
Even in 45 seconds, I can’t stop someone I love from dying.
**X**
“Amoretta, no!” Lillet lunged forward, wrapping her arms around Amoretta desperately, uselessly.
“Goodbye, Lillet,” Amoretta whispered, and then there was the sound of glass breaking…of a heart breaking.
Grimlet screamed, then laughed, then screamed again as the room filled with blistering light. Lillet wailed, falling onto her hands and knees as her love vanished from her embrace.
Again. Always, again.
“Do it,” Grimlet gasped, giggling through charred fangs. Black smoke rose from his burnt skin, the stench of impure flesh sloughing off bone filling the air. “Thirty seconds, Miss Blan. Destroy the Stone! You’ll win, I’ll be dead…and so will your little angel lover.” He managed to laugh, a burst of smoke wheezing from his mouth. “Do it! What’s one homunculus against a world safe from me?”
“Why?” Lillet sobbed, pressing her head to the stone floor. “Why do you do this every time?”
“Thirty seconds, Miss Blan,” Grimlet choked, then faded.
Lillet cried, tasting the bitter salt of hopelessness.
How could she give up? There has to be a way to save Amoretta. She could do it. She had to. Lillet had to save everyone.
But oh, it was so hard.
When the lurch in her mind sucked her into the morass of timelessness, Lillet welcomed the oblivion.
**X**
I thought about rescuing my friends first once.
Surprised?
I know.
I never did though.
I weighed the likelihood that I could outthink a devil, and I didn’t have faith that I could. Maybe I should have tried, but the risk was too much. Can you imagine if I had just ran out of the Stone room one loop, and rounded up all my friends to protect them? If anyone had argued, or didn’t believe me, and I lost those precious minutes before coming back and setting up defenses…I would have lost.
I am the only one of the two of us who wanted to break the stone, after all.
I couldn’t take the risk that the most powerful magical artifact in existence would be claimed unresisted by an archdevil. And I knew enough of how long it takes to fight through Calvaros’s Runes to know that if I didn’t spend my entire time shoring up defenses it would be game over.
I can’t believe I’m thinking about this as a game too.
It’s been too long, I suppose.
So many days on end with a devil for company, I guess I can be forgiven.
Not really.
It doesn’t matter now.
**X**
The last crystal glowed as the elves danced around it, converting it to Lillet’s mana source. She was leaning heavily on a unicorn, unable to remain standing on her own.
There was nowhere else to go. She and Grimlet had left the rest of the Silver Star Tower in ruins, smashed walls and shattered steps littering the path of their destructive battle. Lillet hadn’t eaten or slept in days.
“Mortal!” Grimlet roared, sending a horde of imps towards her crystal, trying to take it for himself. Even an archdevil could not maintain enough mana to fight for days on end either. “Why do you resist? Why go so far?”
It would take too much energy to answer. And Lillet didn’t dare.
Grimlet stopped, staring at her with his plated brow furrowing in a menacing, contemplative glare. “Why indeed? You are an insect to my power, even if you are talented enough to be a pest in the face of my might. You cannot hope to win in combat, except in a war of attrition. So why do you persist in wasting my time?”
No…Lillet could see realization grow in his soulless eyes. No!
“Clever girl!” Grimlet crowed, laughing a deep bass cacophony of mirth. “Oh, Lillet Blan, you are a worthy opponent! Distract me, will you? Cried when I killed your friends! You want the Stone to reset time for you. Instead of smashing the Philosopher’s Stone, you hope to use it to revive your companions. To save them all. Yes! Now this is interesting! This is a game!”
He kept laughing, pacing back and forth in delight as Lillet tried to distract him, attack, make him let go of this wicked train of thought.
But then the bells tolled.
**X**
I’m so, so tired.
Seeing my friends die again and again…I’m numb, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt every time. Every death takes a bit of my kindness.
I’m cold and empty.
And Amoretta…hers is the worst. I know it sounds stupid. I know it wouldn’t make sense in a normal situation. But I’ve gotten to know her so many times, and every time I fall in love with her a little bit more. Every hour I experience with her is one more hour added to the thousands that I’ve accumulated in my memory. She’s so honest and trusting, and sad and vulnerable and just so good. Maybe everyone thinks that way about their one true love, but I don’t care.
She was perfect.
She
is perfect, I should say. She might not be dead. In another moment in time, she is alive.
Last loop, that was the worst. That one may have done me in.
What part of it, you ask?
In order to endure, we need a hope for a happy ending. A happily-ever-after, you know, riding off into the sunset and living with your true love, that kind of rubbish. I thought I had one, I really did. Why do you think I fought for so long? Go through that torture, over and over again?
It’s not fun, not for me.
But I hoped.
I really did.
I thought maybe if I tried hard enough, I can get out with her and then it would all have been worth it. The darkness, the death, the insanity…it would be worth it to have her alive, safe, and loving me back.
But it didn’t matter in the end, did it?
I’m too broken for her.
I’m in too many pieces for someone as good as her. I could see it in her face last time. Anger, disgust, pity…there’s no love there. So I guess I lost.
It’s my fault.
I lost.
It’s over.
You win.
**X**
Her last Rune shattered as Grimlet’s demons slashed her phantoms to shreds, the knights vanishing with the last of Lillet’s strength. How could she have won against him? He etched two Runes for every one she made, and his familiars overwhelmed her meagre defenses faster than she could reinforce them.
He was so powerful, and so fast.
Grimlet hurtled across the room, seizing Lillet around the throat and hoisting her into the air, choking off her scream.
“You see how futile your resistance is?” Grimlet swept one imperious clawed hand at the empty room. “The Philosopher’s Stone is mine! The world will kneel before me, Grimlet, Archdevil of Hell! Give me enough time, and I will puzzle my way out of this looping time trap. With the Stone in my grasp, you mortals will worship me or burn like maggots.”
His grip tightened, and Lillet’s coughs turned to frantic whimpers.
“I win, girl. I will kill you, and then all your little friends, and drink their blood and fear as my reward for freedom. “
Something crumpled in Lillet’s neck, and she saw the darkness rushing in, blinding her, drowning her.
I’m so sorry…I failed.
I failed.
**X**
Grimlet smiles, rising sedately from his crouched listening position. Smug with triumph, his words come out in a surprisingly mellow tone. “So what will you do, Lillet? Break the Philosopher’s Stone and break through the loops of time? You could win, you know. Break the Stone then kill me—you are powerful enough to try. Shall we finish our game with brutish force?”
The devil pauses and his pointed tongue licks against his red teeth, savouring the moment. “Of course, everyone you love will stay dead for good—no more resets, no more happily ever after. Will you do it anyway?”
His chuckles fill the silence, low and satisfied. “I think I win either way, Lillet. So the choice is yours. Go ahead—what will you do?”