Author notes:
Most serious negative feedback I've gotten from non-anime fan readers: 1) the women are too needy, some readers are not understanding why someone would find them desirable emotionally 2) not enough moments where they are actually creating or making music. 3) I over-control the story, nothing left to the imagination -- "too much explanation" I view these issues as filters to use in re-editing. 1: it was a mistake, imo, not to show how dangerous Tsika can be via the small town bar fight. My rewrite for a book addresses that. I'm looking through the first volume, things like having the women balk at taking up Blar's offer, deciding if they even need him at all. Glycerin is very needy at story beginning, I want her that way, she's broken. Part of the story is about whether Glycerin heals or crashes. Kpau is pretty independent other than her night terrors which fade. Some lines of dialog change would address that. Tsika portrays herself as assertive and confident, her neediness leaks out at the idea of being left alone and friendless. More tuning needed. That kind of stuff is fixable without destroying the connections with anime tropes. 2: I agree there isn't enough actual music making, I thought the average reader would find the process boring and it doesn't advance the storyline. However, if that's what people want - I can certainly add that, like by expanding the creative process during the band's retreat. Stage moments are exercises in expressive description - I like a challenge of not repeating myself. 3: one reader keeps saying I over-control the story. Frankly, I have no idea how to respond to this one -- so I'm asking her for specific examples at this point. I'm really scratching my head on that critique. If the reader is seeing the action from a character's point-of-view, they have to know what the character knows. Not quite sure how NOT to do that. Describing the scene is something I like to do -- in my mind it creates more reality (kind of like Tolkien would tell what kind of trees were around them, how the weather was, who was wearing what). -------- Here's a segment of the bar fight, rewritten so that we get to see a glimmer of Tsika in action. In my original draft, she froze and did nothing. I like this version much better. It still has some issues but is closer to what I want: Quote:
edit3: I see a huge pile of varying grammar tense issues. More edits needed. |
Sadly, couldn't come up with tiger-stripe undies for Kpau so went wiith black silk. So it goes. The band gets frisky (in the vein of Red Hot Chili Peppers) in the latest chapter onstage -- Kpau's solution for a Glycerin dilemma.
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Running a little slow with this chapter, started down one of the plot threads and decided I didn't like it. Corrective construction underway tonight.
Something tells me this is Sashiko's favorite song, it's about idiots -- Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) Aina joins the group for a special performance in Kyoto in the chapter under construction -- Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) Glycerin plays one of her favorite melodic pieces -- Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) |
Volume 03 Chapter 10 ("Bad Reputation") Part One
New chapter ... I don't *know* if this story path will stay that way but my original notion just seemed to be getting way too dark for what is supposed to be a rom-com with survivable drama. For the rough draft that this thread is, we'll call this canon. I suspect a couple of readers will be caught off guard ;)
adult situations, NSFW, sexual content Volume 03 Chapter 10 Part One “Bad Reputation" - Joan Jett Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) |
Volume 03 Chapter 10 ("Bad Reputation") Part Two
New chapter ... I don't *know* if this story path will stay that way but my original notion just seemed to be getting way too dark for what is supposed to be a rom-com with survivable drama. For the rough draft that this thread is, we'll call this canon. I suspect a couple of readers will be caught off guard ;)
adult situations, NSFW, sexual content (okay, more intense sexual content) Volume 03 Chapter 10 Part Two “Bad Reputation" - Joan Jett Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) |
Volume 03 Chapter 11 ("Isn't It Ironic?")
And now we're on a scary part of the roller coaster for a little while. The original story sketch was a lot darker -- too too much at once.
Volume 03 Chapter 11 “Isn't It Ironic?” – Alanis Morissette Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) |
Title of the next chapter ... and an idea of the Kyoto stage venue.
Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) Another part of Kyoto ... vengence. Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) In other news, I'm starting to put together the kind of social media connections that "modern indie authors" need to market and promote their books. At some point here, it'll be obvious what my real name is and what I look like. So it goes ;) Modern authors use Facebook, Google+, Twitter, and other mediums to project and market their works. They publish in e-books initially and may or may not produce paperbacks or hardbacks. So I'm also forcefeeding myself the technologies of e-publishing (tools, formats, etc) and figuring out how to integrate it so I don't spend all my time derping in social media and no time writing. In the meantime, carrying on with volume three and taking a scalpel to volume one. |
Reviewing volume 3 ... found some nasty continuity errors. sigh. Also probably should have split the last into two chapters to cover some scenes you didn't get to see.
That's why the thread is a "rough draft" ;) Since it is my birthday this week, thought this tune was appropriate. I can no longer pretend I'm in my early 50s now. They're dressed like this because it is bloody damn hot in Japan in August. Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) |
Been working on 0.98 edit pass of Volume One so, next chapter of volume 3 will be later in the week.
Kpau seems to be the most popular character with female test readers -- I could probably waste a page doing psycho-analysis of that. Glycerin is most popular with the anime/manga crowd (male or female). Tsika comes in last place with every demographic. Sashiko slips in with some votes, probably because I did a better job with balancing her since she's a bit of Tsika-lite. Can't decide if I just did too well at making Tsika unlikeable (since there needs to be a reason she has so few friends) or what. My editor and I have decided we should put more scenes in the first volume showing Tsika and Glyc interacting to add more emphasis to Tsika's positive sides. Anyway, attacking my 0.98 version of volume 1 with all the notes in hand. This is actually fun since it's been a while since I read it and it seems easier to spot the Awkward, the Needs More and the Needs Less. In the meantime, have a bouncy Kpau video to distract you - shiny, glitter, skin, and now in chainmail. (I think it is kind of amusing her chastity lock isn't locked) Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) |
Curious as to what Kpau's victory margin with women is. If it's large, I have to say I'm surprised: first, I would have expected a fairly balanced field. And second, because Kpau doesn't get quite as much attention as some of the other characters.
Tsika I can actually see rubbing a lot of people the way. Yes, plenty of anime get away with abrasive female leads, but aside from fans being used to it, most anime play it for laughs early on - Taiga and Haruhi both start off as bordering on being gag characters IMO. And both maintain some fairly sizeable hatedoms regardless (especially Taiga). Glyc's victory among anime fans - did you really expect any other result? |
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Random moment image -- The IRIRS characters have had many incarnations over the decades in different universes. Their most recent appearances have been in FF XIV,
Kpau is a Miqo'te Moon (catgirl) pugilist fighter, Glycerin is a Duskwight Elezen (dark elf) conjurer-healer, Tsika is a Hyur (human) thaumaturge sorcerer. Kpau, Tsika, and Glycerin as translated - respectively. http://forums.animesuki.com/images/a...?dl=1377766413 http://forums.animesuki.com/images/a...?dl=1377766390 http://forums.animesuki.com/images/a...?dl=1377765887 These are city clothes ... their combat gear still looks a little too clown like for my taste (garish potato sacks) but leveling. |
Chapter the next is about half done ... but won't be ready til the weekend. Here's "white Glyc" and a longer haired Sashiko in one or more vids. will update this post as needed.
You also get an idea of the tentacle stage I guess as well as an active somewhat stoned Glyc. Audio is a bit scratchy o.O Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) Sashiko is growing her hair out (comes up as an aside in the upcoming chapter). Glycerin is settling into her characteristic stage look while Kpau is still experimenting. Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) A bit of irony as Turning Japanese. Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) |
Volume 03 Chapter 12 ("Shut Up 'n' Play Yer Guitar")
Volume 03 Chapter 12 ("Shut Up 'n' Play Yer Guitar") (nsfw)
“Shut Up 'n' Play Yer Guitar” – Frank Zappa Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) author note: nailing the plot points. I think all three volumes need more funny to balance the angst and emo. Edit edit edit. |
The band in a couple of possible realities for the Kyoto performances -- it was really hot the first night (malfunctioning a/c) so the band is randomly stripped down.
Aina is represented in one ... some lip-sync issues in some of the videos (take it off, spaceman) Next chapter will likely be on Tuesday. Tsika at vocals - Take It Off Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) Blar at vocals - Hot ... its hot. Cali Hotels. Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) Blar at vocals - Go Go Gojira Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) Aina at vocals - Whats Up Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) |
This is the last video with Sashiko's in-between hairstyle. It represents her managing to perform on a large stage without hurling her guts (until afterward) with prodding and a bit of cheating from Aina.
I don't think Aina will ever mention the undercover use of certain airborne intoxicants to win her bet. This is one of my better ones - lots of color, animation is unusual. Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) |
Sketching the next two, possibly three chapters out in detail. It's going to be fairly complicated and I want to hit the right notes at the right time. Trying to have it out this week but we'll see.
In the meantime, Sashiko's evolution in Hairstyle - Original look: http://forums.animesuki.com/picture....ictureid=49952 Her intermediate "letting it grow out from the spikes" period. http://forums.animesuki.com/picture....ictureid=50944http://forums.animesuki.com/picture....ictureid=50943 FINAL: http://forums.animesuki.com/picture....ictureid=50947 And she may cut it all off next week, who knows? Now, I'm imagining Hank's parents as they see pictures of the charming lassie on stage <rofl>. |
Volume 03 Chapter 13 ("Happy Together")
I won't lie. At first I was going to be all ambiguous and "camera moves off to fireworks in the distance" but then I realized there was a lot of tragic comedy latent in the Tsika and Blar thread and I took the brakes off.
Translation: this chapter is very NSFW, but a fairly comedic NSFW (comedic in the human foible way). Also, mixing comedy and dark drama is just something I like to do -- people can be funny even when they can't escape impending doom. Humor is spitting in the face of doom after all. Volume 03 Chapter 13 ("Happy Together") (nsfw) Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) Roller coasters, they have ups and downs. In retrospect, the chapter reads a little disconcertingly (Glycerin's thread in between the human comedy). I'm still working on how I want to present this. I'm seeking "dark comedy" -- where scary things may be happening but there's still people being the flawed hilarious creatures they are. I suspect the final published version of this will look far different. Speaking of the final version - still whacking away at volume 1 while getting derailed by the needs of self-marketing (and working on volume 3). Mayhaps I have too many task threads. |
One of the last performance moments in Kyoto. Kpau gets to be shiny and Glycerin demonstrates some quirkier dance moves. Next chapter likely to be Wednesday of next week unless I have a brilliant streak.
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Not having a brilliant streak (actually I spent the weekend editing volume 1, hopefully last pass this week before I put it to bed for publication).
Here's a performance by Aina and some of the Lost Girls, will probably putter out a couple of more videos to highlight Sashiko's new hairstyle, Glycerin's "white look", and some of Tsika and Kpau's less seen stagewear. Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) The Lost Girls in some newer outfits in Tokyo at an unusual club performing an appropriate tune for it. Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread) |
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