1. Nagisa: The start of change in Tomoya.

2. Kotomi: "Childhood friend" that Tomoya scarcely remembers.

3. Kyou: Extremely proactive girl who has feelings for Tomoya.

4. Tomoyo: Trys to bring Tomoya back into regular life (wakes him up every day, cooks breakfast for him, etc).

Normally I read very much into style, which is basically what keeps the reader eying for more. Why do I feel like I've written this somewhere before?

Your style is: matter of factly. The way I see it, you've been writing alot of I did, I felt, she did, she felt. I know you don't do that all the time, but for most of the journey... =)

Not saying that being matter of factly a bad thing, but to write a piece of fiction matter of factly would require one to conform to a particularly rigid structure. Which is extremely difficult to keep up in the long run. Also, this means that you have to play alot more with descriptions rather than emotions.

Secondly, watch out, you are only developing two characters, which is insufficient. I know you write about some minors, but these don't really play a large role in the character relationships. You can't keep on writing about two characters because the only in-depth interaction possible would be between themselves.

You can avoid this by including a 1) love rival 2) overarching antagonist.

Lastly, please do not, push romantic relationships on your own as a writer. If you get what I mean. I'm not a good storywriter (I only write oneshot), but I can tell you that, it is always best to have the reader/viewer/appreciator conceive the notion of love on their own.

I know it's hard to refrain from spilling your emotions onto paper, but bear in mind that your readers don't have the same in-depth understanding of the characters as you do; your readers are always one step behind you in character understanding, which means you have to try to follow their train of thought rather than your own =)

You write dialogue pretty well. Which is good. But you shouldn't base your entire story on dialogue. Describe too =)

And, you also do character dichotomy quite okay. It's good that I'm not reading a story where both protagonists share the same character, a syndrome which many new writers suffer from. But I'm telling you this so you won't deviate, which alot of people do subsequently.

One way to curb this would be to employ character stereotypes, which you have done (I see, a tsundere? and an emo daoist). This is a good thing to do, but if you want to develop your characters further, you would have to remove the stereotyping as the story progresses.

Thirdly, you write alot of words. Damn, I wish I could write 2k words in even five hours, seriously.

Also, you have partly inspired me to start writing my story. And I've not written stories for like a year and a half or so (as aforementioned, I only do pulp fiction/prose and poetry). Cheers =)

I don't nitpick, sorry, err, but I do spot some sentence irregularities... Don't want to wake the inner troll in inno. ;D

I see what you mean by the matter of factly. I've received this criticism a couple other times as well. I know it is something I need to change. The issue is that I'm not a good writer, so I have a lot of difficulty doing this. When I take it for my first review with a professor in January, this is going to be one of the first things I'm going to ask for help with.

I also see what you mean by the development of only two characters. But this actually never hit me before. Maybe this is what the story is missing. I was intending to develop the mother of Yuji's family, and the parents of Nagisa's family, but all of Yuji's mother development came too late in the story, and Nagisa's parents made too few appearances to be developed enough. I've been thinking about how to add in a new character for this and fit her between the cracks (Better with female leads instead of male leads.)

And my little hints at romance were pushing love relationships? I guess I'll take them out. I'm not exactly sure to which sort of things you are referring to, exactly. Could you possibly show me some of the quotes for this?

Dialogue tends to be my best friend and my worst enemy. If you were referring to chapters 4-6, that's being fixed. My freewriting forms always tend to look very dialogue oriented. After a few revisions, they look more like chapters 1-3. If they need some cutdown on dialogue as well, that's another thing to ask my professor. :)

The character thing, I'm not really surprised on. Whenever I write a story, I tend to not have a set plot in my head. Rather, I have some sort of a theme and characters set in my head. Here I had a bit of a head start in that Yuji was going to be a delinquent, and the theme was going to be family (Ended up changing to changes in family :p). I usually have a piece of scrap paper where I create a develop the character, from his/her appearance to personality to situation at the start of the story. So, characterization tends to always be my strongest point in the story, but setting tends to be extremely weak.

And yeah, I do write a lot of words. It's shorter in its draft forms at 2500 or so, as opposed to the 4,000 words of chapter 4 that I'm revising right now. Helps with adding descriptions and additional tiny bits of plot. If I'm going to add in a love rival or something later on, that's another 20,000 or so added into the mix. :)