Project Sorataki: (An orignail script in the making.)
Natalie and Andrew:
http://i.wtfteam.net/u/f/1363606578.jpg Well I have seen a lot of anime in my day and ever since i was little loved telling stories. So anyways it got a point where i began thinking i may as well put it on paper and well That is what i did with the next idea that came to mind. So it is a fantasy, romance, shonin story mixed in with other story types the are inspired by finale fantasy, Naruto, devil may cry, Clannad a very little i guess. Well anyways if you see something that seem a little like a show let me know. altho i do my best to be original i would be surprised if i have taken more from them that i noticed. XD Synopsis A young girl, scared by her past is on a quest to find and kill the ones that wronged her. Natalie (The main character.) travel’s the vast dying along with Andrew (her childhood friend.) and armed with a strange power that is believed to be from an angel, Natalie faces the cruel and dying world of corruption, demons and death with nothing but vengeance in mind. This leads to making lost of enemy's and some friends along the way some of which join her in her quest. She thanks to Andrew and her new friends soon relies that even in her state it is never too late to live a normal life. And the path she is taking could very well end in tragedy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ So far I have got 20 chapters down but due to very likely gamma mistakes i will hold them back untill I make some tome to go over them So for now i will only put up the Prologue witch will still likely have the odd mistake in there that I will fix it's just for now i wanted to get the ideas out of my head and into paper. So here goes XD Spoiler for The Demon sword Sorataki Prologue:
The Demon Sword Sorataki: Episode 1 Prologue Scene starts with a building burning down … a lone girl in a tank filled with liquid in a place that looks to be falling apart. Sudden glimps of a fight happening nearby, going by the look of the burning building. Two young boys fighting a man who looks like more of a monster than man. The two boys charge at him with swords in hand and clash with the monster and just at that moment, the Scene once again goes back to the girl in the tank. She seems like she is sleeping unaware of what is happening all around her. The camera pans back and you see people running and panicking trying to escape the collapsing building. The Scene once again goes back to the two boys fighting, but you can see that some time, has pasted because now they are on the roof of the building and the monster they are fighting seems beaten up. One of the boys carrying a sword and a pistol runs into give the monster the final blow, but was stopped by a girl he seems to know. Scene goes back to the girl in the tank, Someone who was escaping stopped and took their time to try and open the tank that the girl was in, but the tank only opened part way letting some of the liquid out but not enough to help her escape. Now the Scene goes back to the two boys and the girl (the girl who had jumped in the way of the boy who was about to finish off the monster) … It turns out that she is on side of the two boy’s, because she is now facing the monster who she was once protecting and pointing her sword at him… Girl holding the sword: Father… I just want to ask you one thing… before I kill you. Farther: And what would that be... May my child? Boy with a gun and a sword: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CALL MAY THAT AFTER WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO HER!! The boy with both gun and sword was about to strike Father down but was again stopped by May. May: It’s alright Spriiko… Hearing this Spriiko backs down and lets May talk to Father. May: When you talked to me. You'd say "you are my perfect child. Finely after all these years looking for you I have found you"... Father:... *Silence* May: Was there another like me? IS there another like me? And if so where can I find her!? Father: !... Spriiko: Others? Other boy who was fighting with Spriiko: And you think he will tell you if there was? May: SHUT UP SNIPER!! Stay out of this! While May keeps on talking Scene goes back to the girl in the tank. The man sees that the tank wont open fully and shows a face of disappointment. May: I need to know... I need to know if I am the only one that suffered as I have by your hands. Man who's trying to let the girl out of the tank: Such a shame. Just when we finely was able to repeat our last success this happens. Oh Father. We was close... so close. Father: I'm surprised you gathered that much, just by that one line I said. Scene goes back to May Father Sniper and Spriiko. Father grins. Father: There where many who was not chosen to become my child by God. They were impure and thus was unable to embrace the pure blessings of the brand I shone upon them... and they died. May:!!! *Facial expression shows shock* Scene goes back to the girl in the tank. The man who tried to help her has fled the burning down building and now there is just her in the room. She is still unconscious but slowly wakes up. Father: But however there was one that was showing promise of surviving the blessing... but... sadly she too was a hopeless case. Scene goes back to May and you can see tears rolling from her eyes. And in a sudden rage she struck down Father. Scene goes back to the girl in the tank. She is now fully awake and panicking. Girl in the tank: SOMEONE HELP ME!! GET ME OUT!! HELP!!! Father: But what am I saying... there is only one perfect Child... the rest... cannot even... compare to your perfection... Meanwhile the girl is really panicking and becoming really scared. and just when she was about to lose it she let off some power inside her and smashed the glass tank open from the inside out, Falling on the ground doing so. Scene goes back to the top of the roof, of the burning down building. Father is Bleeding out on the floor dying from May's attack. May ,Spriiko and Sniper are jumping off the building. May is still in tears and Spriiko is beside her as they jump off the building. Sniper turns back to destroy it fully with his most powerful move. Spriiko: Where are you going Sniper!? Sniper: I'm going to take down this building and finish off Father... this will make a fitting tomb stone for him. At this time the girl got up slowly and began making her escape... The place was falling apart and there where dead people who were unlucky enough to either get trampled over by others or just been hit by a falling object. She (girl in tank) runs through the collapsing building and more than once she was almost hit by falling debrie. Meanwhile on the roof... Sniper has just about prepared his most powerful attack. It was a sword made up of pure demon and human energy it was made so large it was about the size of the building. He had his sword pointing up into the sky ready to rain it down on his target. Father: But if she is still alive... though however hopeless she is... then you could say... you had a sister up until theses finale moments. Sniper strikes down with his sword making the huge energy like sword strike down on father and the building making it explode. Just around this time the girl was almost out of the building , until the attack that sniper made impacted on the building, making the whole thing fall down at once. The girl was scared, and in her moment of fear wings grew out of her back and was able to shield herself from the falling building. The building fell... and the only one to survive the fall of it was the girl. Tired, weakened, shocked and knocking on deaths door she walked like a zombie to where the exit once was. She spotted May Sniper and Spriiko fleeing into the forest. She tried calling for help but her body did not want to listen to her and let her voice out. They vanished into the night and she fainted there... End of opening Scene. 6 years later… Scene is opened to a top of a windy, rocky mountain. A lone girl in some raggedy looking cloak scene sitting on a rock. The wind is blowing strongly agents her cloak as well as blowing strongly around her, but she does not seem bothered by it and by the looks of things have been sitting there for a while. Her eye’s are closed but it clear that she is not sleeping. It’s the girl from six years back. She opens her eyes and looks over the vast landscape by this point you’d think that she lives alone in the middle of nowhere but that is proven wrong when a voice is heard calling the girls name. Voice: Natalie… Natalie: … Voice: I’m sorry I kept you waiting… I’ve rested up and am ready to keep going. Natalie: … Voice: … So… did you get any sleep thi- Natalie: Let’s keep moving. Natalie says while talking off ahead. Voice: -… Understood. And so Natalie and the yet to be named boy set off to a nearby village. Natalie would swiftly move through the rocks and any other endeavours but the boy although was not too bad at it himself was lacking in grace and speed to keep up with Natalie. Sometimes Natalie will pause for a moment to let the boy catch up before heading off again. There were even times that the boy will totally lose balance thus falling off or down whatever he was standing or climbing. These where normally nothing too bad so Natalie would just wait for him to recover and catch up before running up ahead. It seemed like it’s been like this with them for a while. They reach a river and although Natalie did not look like she had plans to stop the boy was too tired to keep on going. Natalie senses that the boy stopped and so turns around to see why. The boy was panting and could not carry on. Boy: *pant* *pant* Just give me a moment. I still can go a little further *pant* *pant*. Natalie could tell he was not going to be ready to go in a moment. He also hurt himself falling off a rock before and it’s only gotten worse because he’s walking on the leg for long periods of time. She then looks around. It seemed like the best camping spot since the river is next to them and no dangerous wild animals are in this part of the world so no uninspected guests greeting them by the river bed. Plus there where a good deal of fish known to be around the area. Natalie: Set up camp. Boy: But I can still keep going if you just give me a second! Natalie: I’ll get the fire wood, you get the fish. Natalie says as she walks off to the nearby woods. Boy: I’m sorry… Sometime later Natalie comes back and the boy is in the middle of fishing. He left a second fishing rod out next to the river hinting to Natalie to join him. She spots it but ignores the rod and goes on to light the fire wood she just collected. Night falls and the boy is cooking the fish by the fire while Natalie sat opposite him silent and looking off into the darkness. Boy: … Natalie: … Boy: The fish will be ready soon… Natalie: … Boy: Not too far now… To the village that is. If what the man said is true then the demon invasion must have happened three days ago. The rumour about the kidnapping that will happen a while after will most likely happen tomorrow or at worst case yesterday. Natalie: They summon low level demons to invade and scatter the people and then to make it look like coincidence they wait 2 to three days to kidnap any child that is left from the village. Any child left behind after that time either lost their parents to the demon invasion a day or two before or lost their way fleeing from their home. A sick cover-up. Boy: (This is the only time she really talks.) But what I don’t get is how you know that the demons and the kidnappers are all one part of the whole plan? Maybe it is coincidence and the kidnappers too advantage of th- Natalie: Because that’s how they got me… Boy:!! (That’s not possible… is it? I was young then so I try not to think about the day my home was invaded… and how Natalie was never scene or heard from for a year.) The boy has flashbacks of him 7 years ago looking for Natalie not long after the demon invasion. Boy: (And when she came back… she was not the same.) It would make sense but how can you be sure your right? Low level demons pop up randomly around the world. Are you saying they found a way to summon them up at will? Natalie: I just know it’s them… there’s a demon near this spot. Boy: ! The boy reaches for the sword on his side but Natalie stops him. Natalie: You can’t see in the dark… I’ll take care of this. She wonders off into the darkness with no weapon. Suddenly a flash of lightening lights up the area for a second enough to see a bolt peer shine through the demon as well as the cry of the demons as it died. And just as fast as is begun it ended and she returned. Natalie: Get some rest… Boy: (She hardly touched her food… and she never really sleeps because of the power they put into her. Natalie. What did they do to you?) The boy is asleep while Natalie is just sitting there looking at the landscape. It seems like she could not sleep. She began thinking back to long before she was kidnapped. 7 years ago… Young Natalie is scene running through a small patch of forest with a boy. The young boy looks to be the same boy who is with her now. Young Natalie: COMONE KEEP UP ANDREW! Andrew: I’ll catch up don’t worry. They both reach the edge of the forest. Ahead is there home village. It looked like a quiet and simple place where everyone knew everyone. Natalie and Andrew where looking at the village above a steep hill. Natalie: Made it… Andrew: I guess we did make it up here. But our home is a little further ahead. Natalie: Yeah I know that… but let’s stop here for a while. Andrew: What!? But what if demons come? Natalie: That hardly happens. Besides if any demon comes we will just run fast as we can back home. Andrew: That’s too dangerous… I’m going home. Natalie: You’re such a chicken. Andrew: I’m not scared! And why do you want to stand out here so bad anyways?! Natalie: The view… its nice isn’t it? Andrew: Huh? The view? Natalie: We hardly ever allowed to leave the village because of the demons but if you think about it, it does not really matter where you are nowhere is really safe. And when we are allowed to play out we do so, so fast that we don’t get to take our time and take it all in… Andrew: … Natalie: Mum told me stories of a time when there was green covering the land as far as the eye can see. A long time ago she told me they use to relax on the grass and admire the view. This is the only spot near our home that we can experience that. I have always wanted to try it so you can go home if you want. But I’ll be here. Natalie lies down on the grass and looks up at the sky. Andrew was about to leave her there but in the end decided to stay with her. Natalie: You’re not scared anymore? Andrew: No… it’s just that I don’t want to leave you here by yourself. Natalie: That’s nice of you… going to relax with me? Andrew: No! I’m standing guard. Natalie: With that sword of yours? You know that I’m as good if not even better using that than you are. If you want to go back so bad then why don’t you leave your sword here so that way I can be safe and you can go home. Andrew: I-I don’t want anything happening to you. Natalie leans up to look at Andrew. Natalie: Huh? You really want to protect me? Andrew turns away to cover his embarrassed looking face. Andrew: Wh- I mean yes, sort of. Natalie: Hehe. Well if it is any help I like having you around. And having you as a bodyguard really make me feel safe. Natalie says whilst lying back down to watch the view. Andrew: I like having you around you too… Natalie and Andrew stayed there Natalie lying down and Andrew standing opposite her looking out ahead. Back to 7 years in the present… It’s morning and the sun has just risen. Natalie is still sitting in the same spot as she was the night before. The boy we now know as Andrew is still sleeping. He wakes up to see her in the same spot as she was last night. He looks to see whether she eat all of the fish. The fire was gone and there was only burnt pile of wood and no sing of the fish. Andrew: (Good… it looks like she ate all of her food this time.) Natalie: You’re up… Andrew: I’m sorry I was meant to stand guard so you can sleep. I guess I’m so use to knowing you hardly sleep I did not get up. Natalie: I got some rest so don’t worry… Andrew: I see. That’s good. Shall we get going? Natalie and Andrew set off. The ashes of the fire wood show a fish thrown into the fire that has not been eaten. Natalie threw it into the fire after only taking a bite of it. Natalie and Andrew where now not so far from the village. They were running up a hill and just over it was the village. Natalie was the first to reach the top. She Looked shocked at what she saw and suddenly grew dark wings from she back and flew strait off towards the village. Andrew: (This can’t be good!) Natalie! Wait!! Andrew climbs up to the top of the hill also to see the village is has been burnt down. Andrew: (What happened here?! I knew things will be bad but this!) Andrew runs down the hill towards the village to meet back up with Natalie. The village was a mess. Some houses where totally broken down and others where still on fire a little. Natalie walked through the village passing through the streets leading to a T cross road. At the end of the road was a house that caught Natalie’s attention. The door was broken down and there were marks on the walls showing signs of demons attacking the place. Natalie looked around the house and walks on what looks to be a homemade doll for a child. It makes her think back to the time her home got attacked by demons for a moment and then Andrew calls for her making her come back to her senses. Andrew: Natalie! Natalie spots Andrew running towards her but also something bellow him following him fast. Natalie:!! She releases her dark wings and head straight towards it. Andrew could tell by her actions something was behind him and so grabbed hold of his sword, turns around to see a kind of demon that can swim on ground like its water. It leaps out with jaws wide open ready to snap at Andrew once it reached him but he was not shaken by this. He made his stance focused his energy onto his sword and struck it down right between its mouth thus killing it. The energy he put into the sword could be scene dispersing from his sword. Just then another two appear but this time from both his right and left side. Andrew however still kept his cool and did a quick 180 spin cutting both of them through and turning back towards Natalie who is still making her way to him. The demons that he killed sunk back into the ground. Andrew: (I’ve trained hard to make sure I don’t get in Natalie’s way. I won’t be taken down by some low level demons.) With that Andrew put his sword back in it’s case. Just after that Andrew noticed that Natalie was not slowing down although he killed the demons. Andrew: (Is there one I missed?! Where?!.) And as if to answer his question he notice sets of teeth on the right and left side of him rising from the ground and surrounding him. He was in the mouth of a big demon that came up from underground. It was about to close up it’s mouth but Natalie bust through and punched Andrew out of the mouth just before it closed. Andrew is sent flying out and watches as Natalie is eaten in the mouth of the huge ground swimming demon. Natalie: NO! NATALIE!! Just then a huge strike of purple lightening hits the huge demon from above with such power that it blew the demon to pieces leaving only bits and pieces everywhere and Natalie standing there in her dark wings form almost like she did not to anything. She walks on and past Andrew whilst making her dark wings disappear. Andrew: Natalie… I’m sorr- Natalie: Let’s look for clues and then head out and find the people responsible for this. Andrew: Of course… A little while later the two are scene at the canter of the town. They have found nobody around so they took any food or drink they needed and planed there next move. Natalie: Most of the others would have fled the village to escape the demons. After a day or two demons that appear in this world normally go back to the world they once came from and so people and children who ran away will start making their way back home on the second or third day. Andrew: Not all of them will make it back … You think that they are the ones that get taken away? Natalie: Not all of them no. Some are just… unlucky. The others however… They… She had too much trouble saying what she wanted to say so changed the subject a little. Natalie: We need to find the people who do this. Andrew: And stop them from kidnapping children. Same plan as the others. Natalie: No this time we are going to follow the people to where they take them… And destroy it! Andrew: (She’s angry… I can tell. She does get angry by this part of the plan but this time it feels more personal. Maybe because this time the village looks a lot like our home village looked like when we were attacked by demons.) So what’s wrong with what we were doing before? Natalie: We stopping them does not seem to work. So this time I’m going to do what I should have done from the start. Andrew: I understand. If you feel that strongly about it then I won’t let you go alone. Natalie: Ok… thank you… Andrew: !!. Natalie walks off to the edge of the village. Andrew: No need to thanks me… (It’s not every day she says thanks… I guess I’m right. This one is bringing it all back. The things she would rather forget.) A while later In the nearby dead forest a little girl is running through the forest from something. A sound of a demon roaring in the forest so the girl is trying to keep away from the noise. The should however is coming from speakers and it seems like she is not the only one that has been tricked because there are now other kids and people running away in the same direction. The all end up on a dirt road where suddenly types of strong sleeping gas are shot at them making all of them pass out in sleep. A 4X4 with a trailer truck then comes along with people wearing gas masks and carrying weapons come along and take the children and leave the adults. They quickly load them into the trailer at the back of the truck and just like that set off. Natalie and Andrew where watching all this up a tree. Andrew: This time they used speakers to gather them. It’s like every time I witness this they find a more effective way to kidnap them. Natalie had flashbacks of the time they kidnapped her. It seems like they did not use sleeping gas on her they just found her running and grabbed her and put her in the truck. She remember the panic and fear she felt as the door of the truck closed up into total darkness. She was brought back to her senses by Andrew calling her name. Natalie: !! Lets get them out of the truck!! She was about to head straight for the truck but Andrew grabbed her. Andrew: NO WAIT! Remember the plan! Natalie: !! Andrew: We are going to save them after they lead us to their base. Now let’s follow that truck. Natalie: Right… The two of them started tagging behind the truck being sure not to see scene by it. It led them over mountains and roads until it stopped suddenly by a cliff rock. Natalie and Andrew watched from a distances as the guys that drove there came out of the car looking around before revealing that the rocky Cliffside was nothing more than a gate to a base that seems to lead underground. The two watched in amazement as the rock wall opened wider and wider. The people who were driving went back into the 4X4 and drove into the opened wall. Andrew: (I always knew that the place they kept them was well hidden. But this is something I would not image… and judging by Natalie’s expression… I’d say it was not like this 7 years ago. And to think there are more places like this around the world. Sick bastards!) Huh! The gate was closing slowly and Andrew knew they needed to move in order to reach it before it close completely. Andrew: Natalie. Are we going in? … Natalie? Hey! Pull it together! Natalie was spaced out since she saw the cliff wall open. It was reminding her of the pain she went through in the lab. It scared her stiff. Thankfully once again Andrew got her back to her scenes. She now sees the wall closing. Natalie: ! Let’s go! Andrew: Ok! The two of them run for the closing gate. The rate they were both going it did not look like they will make it in time. Andrew: (She can make it if she fly’s.) Natalie! I’ll, find another way in! You can still make it if you fly! Don’t let me hold you back!! Natalie suddenly stopped running making Andrew pass ahead and then he stopped running and turns around to Natalie. Natalie: No… She suddenly seems scared… Andrew: Natalie?... Natalie: NO! Andrew: No? No to what? !! Natalie? That are yo- Natalie rammed into Andrew grabbing around his shoulder. She took out her wings and was now flying towards the closing gate whilst holding onto Andrew taking him along for the ride. Andrew: (Wha- WHAT?!?) The two of them where making their way to the gate fast but it seemed like it was going to be a close call. Natalie saw this and began moving faster by using her lightening powers as a boost. They made it through in time but brushed one side of the gate and fell on the ground Natalie is still hugging Andrew by his shoulders whilst on top of him. Andrew: That had to be the most irrational things you have EVER don- Natalie: I’m not coming in here alone… You said you will come with me… Andrew: !... (She’s shaking… I have never scene her like this. This is something the old her would of done.) Well I’m here now… So let’s do what we came here to do. Natalie looked up at him with a kind of grin and got back up on her feet. Andrew was still taking in the whole ordeal and the fact that this has been the most human he has scene her for a long time. He then notices a holding out her hand to help him off the ground. Andrew grins back and takes hold of her hand to pull himself back up. Andrew: So have you got any plan as to what we do from here? I mean this is the first time we have stormed a base after all. Natalie: … I don’t know… Andrew: Hahaha. I remember you saying just that when we first ever planed of saving kidnapped children from the vans. We had no clue then… but we just took thing’s one step at a time and you could say we are experts in the art of tracking them down now. Natalie: But this is different. I could ruin someone’s life by mistake because of my selfish actions. I don’t know how to do things right and it scares me. Andrew: ( I guess she means the children stuck in this base… If she attacks it they may pay the price for her actions.) Then what do you “feel” is right? What do you think should be done so you have no retreats? Natalie:… I feel that we should first save the children before putting an end to this place! Andrew: Right! Then that’s the plan. Natalie: Yes. Andrew: (After all this time… It finely feels like I’m starting to get the old you back. Even if is only a little.) Now… Let’s see where this tunnel leads too… Let’s try not to get spotted. Natalie and Andrew both look ahead up to the long wide tunnel made of iron. Natalie: We need to get past the doors without being detected if possible. Andrew: You think that it is? Natalie: Not with the people behind the gate watching… Andrew: You can see there aura through the walls? Natalie: It’s the only way in so we need to do something about their sight. Andrew: We are on a rock face so all the light here must be artificial… So all we need is to cut the power… The guards on the other side are patrolling the gate making sure nobody comes in. Area had lights around to help them see. A purple shock follows up the wire of the light to the bulbs and suddenly all the lights go off turning the place in total darkness. The guards where clueless as to what happened and Natalie and Andrew took this chance to pass through the gate and run through the guards and into the base. Natalie had to hold Andrews hand since he could not see in the dark unlike her. She led him to a steep slope big enough for a tank to fit down. It was still pick black and so Andrew still could not see what was going on. Natalie: I see the children! Andrew: Good! Then go to where they are and let’s find some lights. Natalie: Damn!! Wait here! Andrew: What?!? Where!? Andrew feels Natalie push him into what feels like a corner and her hand let go of his. He is now only relaying on his other senses. He hears electric charging most likely coming from Natalie and then a sudden discharge of that electric. Moments after that the guards sounded like they were after someone. Andrew: Natalie. What’s going on? Natalie? (Have we been spotted?) Just then the noise of footsteps came closer to Andrew. They were the guards but it seems like they can see well in the dark. Andrew kept as still as possible holding his breath as to make sure they don’t hear him. Guards running by Andrew: We suspect intruders in the base! Check every area don’t leave anything unchecked! Andrew: (How can they run around in this dark?! If they see me like this… I’m dead!) Guards: I heard something coming from that way! Let’s go! Andrew hears the footsteps head off into the distance. Andrew: (I was not spotted… but how can they move around in the pitch black? I guess Natalie noticed that and distracted them. Whatever she is planning I hope she pulls it off.) Meanwhile Natalie was hidings on top of the sealing of the building. The guards the pasted where Andrew was where now passing Natalie looking for where the sound of the electronic discharge came from. They had thermal goggles on and with them saw the gate had been opened when the lights went out. That’s when they started using them and Natalie noticed this and so hid Andrew so she could move around and take them off Andrew’s track by making noise somewhere else. For now it seems to be working. Natalie: (I can see there aura so I can not only see them I can see the through several layers of wall too. But I don’t see the children from here so they must be further down. We may be spotted along the way. I need to get Andrew to move freely otherwise it’s no good…) She looks at the guards with their thermal goggles. Natalie: (I’ll need to get my hand on one of those…) Natalie then charged up her power and shot it down on the unexpected guards. The thunder shock made the guards lose sight of each other. Guards: WHAT THE!! WHATS GOING ON?! One of the guards was separated from the rest by a little. Natalie sees this and takes the chance take him out. In a moment she was behind him and before he could notice she took him out. Just around this time. Andrew was still hiding in the dark. Andrew: (So they must know that there is someone here. And now although Natalie only took out some of the lights at the front gate they decided it’s best to keep all the lights off and use whatever they are using to see.) Just then Andrew heard a sound of someone running towards him. He grabbed onto his sword and waited for the sound to get closer. The sound was getting closer and closer. It then stopped very close to Andrew. Andrew: (I wish I learned more about fighting with only using sound and touch. I have no other choice but to face them…) Natalie: It’s just me. Andrew: Natalie? Just then Andrew tripped on something and fell to the floor. Andrew: …Ouch… Were where you? And you mind picking me up? Natalie: Hehe. Here, this will help you see. Andrew: Huh? I can’t see my hand in front of me yet alone… Natalie: You will be able to see with this. Natalie puts the thermal goggles over Andrew’s head… Andrew: I can see… Natalie: Now let’s get going. I will explain what going on along the way to the children. Andrew: Understood. A little later Natalie has just finished explaining what happened. Andrew: So you have not scene the children within the range of your sight which has led you to believe that they are further underground? But how are we going to get them all back up without them noticing? Natalie: Once I noticed that they are using thermal too see I destroyed the bases power core. So nothing here should work meaning the huge elevator will not be in use by them. I will become a power source for the elevator once we get to them and take them to the surface but we will have to get caught at some point so one of us will have to distraction them for a while to keep them from noticing the children escaping. Andrew: So where will we have to blow our cover? Natalie: The lab… that’s where they experiment on the children and bellow there should be a cell where they keep them until they are needed. Andrew: …(Guess she would know all this.) The two of them carrying on running down the stair case to the lab. Meanwhile on the very top floor of the lab rock base where was an Intel section the power was out and the people where in a state of confusion as to what was going on. Even though it was the top floor there was still no windows and there cameras did not work. Intel unit: Epimetheus! We cannot get the power back on! If it was not for the thermal goggles we would be totally blind! Epimetheus: We have intruders… I can see them. Intel unit: !! The reports between us and the troops have been slow so we have not received any intruder alert. However we do know that the gate was opened between the time the lights around them cut out. But we have not scene the intruders as of yet. Epimetheus: I see them so why can’t you? Intel unit: (What is he talking about? He has been here the whole time… it’s not as if he can see through walls. And why is he suddenly been put in charge of this base?) Epimetheus: Are you calling me a liar? Intel unit: I said no such thing. (This guy is a total nut case. He’s been in charge for a week and all he does is stair at the sealing. He does not want to wear the thermal goggles either. I hear he has powers but he looks like a fool to me.) Epimetheus: You still don’t believe me? You think I’m a fool? Intel unit: … I don’t understand. (What is this creep talking about?) Epimetheus: Clearly I must be according to you… Intel unit: !?... Epimetheus: Tell me. What’s your job here? Intel unit: (Did he forget or something… well I don’t mind reminding this unless guy.) Well sir, I am an Intel specialist. I inform you about the on-going situations on the battle filed. We then give said information to the leader of the Intel unit and he would in turn relay orders on what to do in accordance to the information he was given. (And I was the leader until “He” came along. If I was in charge right now I would have things under control!) Epimetheus: I see… so that where this is coming from… Intel unit: ?? Epimetheus? (…) Epimetheus: So tell me? Where are the two intruders right now? Intel unit: (Ok this guy is useless!) Like I said sir we have not found the- Epimetheus: I KNOW WHAT YOU SAID!! I’m asking: can you see them? Intel unit:… no sir… Epimetheus: And can you contact your men to help find them? Intel unit: … At the moment no… Epimetheus: So if you can’t contact you men and can’t see the intruders which in turn mean you have no Intel to inform me about… then what good are you? Intel unit: ! (Well at least I don’t go about lying about seeing them from where I stand. Next he’s going to ask me how many trap door spiders are above this rock face.) Epimetheus: One last question… Intel unit: Sir?… Epimetheus: How many trap door spiders are above this rock face? Intel unit: ?!? (What!?! Can he read my mind!?) Umm I… don’t know sir… twelve maybe? Epimetheus: Wrong… You still think I’m lying? Intel unit: (What the hell is he?!? So does that mean he knows what I think of him!?) N-No! I’m sorry I doubted you! (Please forgive me! I don’t want to lose this job!!) Suddenly a sort of black essence appeared bellow the Intel unit’s feet and swallowed him whole and disappeared. Epimetheus:… There are only three trap door spiders above us. You’re forgiven. The other Intel unit watched in surprise as it all happened. Epimetheus: As for all of you tell everyone to evacuate the base. Go and spread the message on foot if you have to. And make sure the scientists escape first… we need them for the research. Other Intel unit: Understood! Epimetheus: (This is a rear pleasure. I have been assigned to this post not too long ago and you decide to attack this base first. We knew you would do so at some point but I feel that it is fate that you come to me first. The only thing I did not really expect is you coming here on a rescue mission… I thought you would want to get revenge over everything else. Experiment B67.) It shows Natalie and Andrew running down the stairs on the way to the children. TO BE CONTINUED… Same art that i tried coloring in lol. (Warning it's a little big) |
Only read the prologue so far, but how come the 2 boys fighting the monster miss the girl in the tank? The way you described it gave me the impression that room is the room specifically built for her. Maybe she's in one tank amongst hundreds, and all the rest are smashed/destroyed?
Also, what's the numbering system for? |
Yeah, drop the numbering system completely. Even as a script that only clutters the page. I almost stopped reading in the first 20 lines just because of that. ;)
Some of the stunts/powers seem to come out of nowhere. I'm guessing you need to describe what your characters look like, how they're dressed. Example: Natallie grew wings out of fear ... o.O Most people I know would utterly freak out. Is this something common to the universe? Or there other people with wings? If you want to be mysterious and we don't know why/how yet ... at least have Natalie react in horror or something before figuring out the wings can save her. When "tank" was first used, there should be some description. It several readings for me to guess these were some kind of bio-vat tanks. Are they transparent? Crystalline? Are there tubes and power thingies all over it? There should be descriptions on first view of any important things or people. "took the guard out" ... it'd be more interesting if we knew how. The scene cuts and the flashbacks are nicely placed and interesting. The Natalie and Andrew interplay is promising. I think there just needs to be more visual and emotional description (clothing, facial expressions, weather, scenery, I have no idea what any of the characters look like. Summary: descriptive text needed to supplement so that the reader can create a visual picture. The plot looks great, a lot of the dialog is great (some stilted parts, read them out loud to see how they sound to fix that). Writing query: will the reader know the thoughts of everyone at all times? Will we have scenes from one POV? Or will we stick to Natalie's POV? Any answer is right but for your own purposes of storytelling keep that in mind. Quite often in a story, any given scene will have a single POV and we know the thoughts of that person but he/she has to guess the intent of other's by words and action. |
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This started off as a script so i had the numbers on there to help me follow what what scene was where. because it is started as one i did not go too big on explaining the scene's and characters since it was meant to me animated but now i see i don't have to time for animating it so i was planning to go back and adding more detail since i have decided to make it a light novel. the later eps are explained more better. How they look like... now this may sound funny but... other than the simple stuff like hair color and other face value aspects and weapons they use i have trouble really pinning down what they wear lol. the dark wings scene: well the way i see it is that if she was not almost about to pass out she would have shown some shock but then she's been through alot of shock before this with out spoiling anything. to that this is more like an cherry the chain of shockingly bad things that happened to her at this point. As far as POV goes it dose some times show other charters when ever the plot calls for it. Thanks for taking the time to read this and i will take off the numbers off them since i see where your coming from. i will also stick up a fan art of the tho main characters since that dose more or less show how they look like anyways and maybe an old series i was working on in anime that is tied to this one. |
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She is in the same building but underground. Soz i first had this as a script to follow for animating but that's not going to happen. I will get back around to fixing the details after getting the first half of the story out of my head and in text XD. |
Yeah, I get the "writing it down before i forget". ;) My chapters start off with a very sketchy outline, like a skeleton. Then I start putting in details and meat like dialog, comedy moments, side stuff, actions that connect one event to the other. I may redraft a chapter 10 or 20 times, moving stuff, adding dialog, subtracting stuff, fixing grammar derps.
But it all starts with getting *something* written down before you forget ;) |
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Do you think i should fix them first before putting them up here? I mean i have a good bit done already it's just needs a once over at best. |
:) Well good idea with the story... Good luck! ^.^
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The third part. new characters are shown and there is a little word puzzle that will make more sense if you read the last one. let me know how you found it before you read the answer if possible.
Spoiler for The demon sword sorataki ep 3:Passionate intrigue:
The Demon Sword Sorataki: Episode 3 Passionate intrigue Seen starts in an old Western style bar in a part of a near empty town… It was a kind of dingy old place where all the hardened looking people gather of all age shapes and size. Natalie and Andrew Walked in to the bar and where given a good staring at by half of the shady ones around. They kept on walking in and sat down at the front of the bar where there where stools. Andrew: Ok we took our time to restock on food and drink. So can you tell me your answer? Natalie: So you were not joking about the Army thing? Andrew: Joking? What makes you think that? Natalie: What made you think I could ever take what you said seriously? Andrew: So you tort I was joking? Why didn’t you say that when I said it but instead made me wait until now? Natalie: I figured you would drop it if I just said nothing but looks like I’m wrong. Andrew: Well in case you think I’m still joking I'll reassure you I’m not joking. Talking out of my ass however, I am. *sigh*. If there was an army offered on a plate I would take it but sadly that is only a dream. Andrew starts having flashbacks of Epimetheus’es last words to them. Epimetheus quote: “We have an army. For your sake you better ready one of your own.” Andrew: They have an army. And let’s not forget there are seven pilots who control the seven Nova’s who are led by the seven stars of Halo. 7, 7, 7… You think that means something? Natalie: You could be over thinking this… Andrew: Maybe. It’s just I don’t like the sound of this army thing. We make a good team but I don’t think we can take on an army. Not on our own. Can we? Natalie: To be honest I don’t feel scared... of the army I mean. (Lately I feel like I can take on almost anyone. I guess eating well dose bring out the best in you.) Andrew: Well that’s funny because I got the double case of nerves… maybe I’ve taken your nerves on as well as mine. (I guess I feel that I need to do something to prevent her from getting hurt by the triple 7’s. the more I hear about them the more they piss me off… OH!) I know! Let’s call them the Triple 7’s! Natalie: Sure call them what you want. Shady customer: Keep it down some of us are trying to think here. Andrew takes a look at the guy. He seemed like the last person who would say something like think yet alone do it. Andrew: Yeah I would advise you not to do too much of that… >.> Shady customer: You picking a fight? Andrew: Do you know who you’re talking to? Shady customer: … Andrew: You will get it soon… Shady customer: !! You are! Andrew: Yep.. And believe it or not but she is the scary one… Shady customer: *Gets back to what he was doing* Andrew: Yep it’s good to have rep. Only wish my reputation for loving grape soda would be as well-known or if not better known when they see us. *sigh* well here’s to wishing. Natalie: “Dark angle and her protector” I just wish they did not spread such silly names to start with. Andrew: Well kids love making stories of their heroes and we have saved a lot of them over the years. Hardly anyone dears to look into the kidnappings and yet we have not only done that but gotten in there way whenever we can. Now we just stormed a base and saved the children. In a weeks’ time that story will spread and we will become something of a legend in terms of repartition anyways… Natalie: But we don’t accept job offers so we don’t need rep. Andrew: True but we can use it to gain powerful allies… well anyway talk some more later I’m really thirsty now. No point wasting our traveling drink when we are here. Hey bar tender! Bar tender: Let me guess… you want two grape soda’s right? Andrew: (Oh… my… god! It’s finely happened!) So how did you know that I wanted a grape soda? Did you hear the stories and from that knew that I love grape soda and so tort you will get me the drink without me asking for it? Bar tender: No I just overheard you talking about it sorry. Andrew: Oh! That’s oka-… Bar tender: Plus almost everyone around your age asks for a grape soda anyways. Andrew: … oh well that makes senc-… Bar tender: And I just sold my last two just now. Andrew: Ok tha-… Wait come again. Bar tender: I’m sorry but I sold my last ones to them two over there. The bar tender points over to a young man and woman sitting not so far across them. The young woman who was reading a book had already opened her can and was drinking it. Andrew noticed that the young man has not opened his can yet. Andrew: (CHANCE!) Hey man! I would pay you DOUBLE if you give me that can of drink. Guy with soda: Na man sorry… Andrew: *sigh* I see. Well never mind. Guy with soda: But if you want to fight me for it then I’m interested. Andrew: Huh? Are you for real? Guy with soda: I’m dead serous. From a fellow swords man to another. Andrew: Over a can of soda? Guy with can: Common where is your passion?!? Andrew: My passion? Guy with can: Without passion there’s no will to do something crazy in order to get what you want in life! You were willing to pay more than what this soda is just to get your hands on it. That’s passion right there! But I guess your passion was only that strong. Andrew: (Wait… this is perfect…) Andrew pictures himself agreeing to the fight and winning and the story spreading about how he was so passionate for the grape soda that he defeated someone for it. And soon after he will be known for loving grape soda and bar tenders will know what he wants just by knowing his name. Guy with can: So I’ll offer one more time… Is your passion strong enough? Andrew grins… Andrew: Do you know who I am? Guy with soda: I know. And what of it? Do you know who I am? Andrew: No… But now I suddenly want to know… Let’s take this outside… FOR THAT GRAPE SODA I WILL DEFEAT YOU!! People who were around the bar stopped for a moment to look at Andrew who had just shouted. Soon after seeing what was going on they went back to whatever they was doing beforehand. Guy with can: Now that is the passion I’m talking about. Natalie did not seemed too bother by what Andrew was doing. She decided to open out her map to look for the next base. She was going off her memory of when she went through the guards mind but still could not find the missing words. She figured she hand enough to put together and had been looking at the map since Andrew started talking with the guy with the can. Andrew: I’ll be going outside for a bit… Natalie: Ok. Andrew: Just don’t stress yourself out over finding the place now. We will find them no matter what. Ok? Natalie: Don’t worry. I won’t… Andrew then walks up to the guy with the grape soda. Guy with can: The names Flynn. Andrew: Flynn huh? My name is Andrew. Let’s get this show on the road…. Flynn with swords in hand headed outside the bar to do battle. Meanwhile the young woman reading a book who was seen with Flynn is still left sitting there not so far from Natalie. She seem like she was watching her in-between reading from where she was sitting. Natalie was too busy to notice since she was trying to figure out where the next base could be on the map by looking at names that could have the missing letters from the clue she got. Natalie: (Think back… and look at this map… find something that has an “a” at the Start and an “a” at the end… there’s like 6 of those so now I need to really think. Damn this is not helping I need to get the words I know of out my head and on paper. That would help.) Natalie then pulled out a pen but it did not work…. Natalie: (*sigh*) Sorry but do you have a pen I could borrow? Young woman reading a book: Oh! Yes I do. Do you want to use it? Natalie: Please if that’s ok with you. The young woman handed her over her pen and went on to reading only this time seemed even more interested as to what Natalie was doing than what was in her book. Natalie continued to try and solve the clue. She wrote down the last sentence he said in his head on a paper as to get a better understanding of what he said. Guards last torts: “Why wou-d she say th-t out al--d? And tho-e tunn— d-ses not le-- to t---n’s c--ek. It leads to -h- b-se in A--a f--ls.” Natalie: (Ok the first sentence is simple enough I guess. It says “Why would she say that out aloud?” now I’m not sure if what I heard him think was right. Can you even hear torts wrong? And this “le—“ part? Let? Damn my English is average high but I can’t seem to piece together this part. And I am clueless on the last sentence. “It leads to b-se in A--a f--ls.” The worst part is I bet what he tort here was the place I’m looking for “A—a f—ls”… If only I knew what that meant…) By this point the young woman was looking to the point that she could even see the words Natalie written down from four stools away from each other. She was now looking at the map her and was trying to figure it out herself. Natalie started noticing her watching… Natalie: Sorry could you let me use the pen just a little longer? I know how expensive they are so if you feel uneasy… Young woman reading a book: Sure no problem I have plenty of them so you don’t have to worry. Natalie: (I only guested she hand a pen because she was reading. But to have lots of pens mean she is likely better at English than I am. Maybe even a sorcerous? Most people can’t even read to have an above level in English is no small feat. Wait maybe she could help me with… no that’s not going to happen. How am I going to explain that I’m trying to find the missing letters for a sentence that I read out a guy’s head? I better do this myself. But she is looking this way for something and I’m still guessing it’s about her pen so I’m going to give it back. But I do wonder could she be that smart? Wish I could get a chance to find out. My social skills are no good. It’s a surprise that I can even open up to Andrew this much. I’ll just mess things up.) In all this time the young woman was still trying to piece together what Natalie was trying to do and she could not keep quiet about it anymore… Young woman reading a book: I’m sorry to intrude but I could not help but notice you’re trying to figure out something. Natalie: (Damn! I can’t tell her I can read minds. I have not even told Andrew that. And I don’t plan on telling him either.) Oh well it’s just a little something kind of silly really but it don’t matter because I’m done with it. Young woman reading a book: OH! This is a word game right?! Did you make it yourself? Natalie: (You can play games with words? But never mind that I can make work of this.) Umm. Yes I guess it’s a game… Young woman reading a book: It’s so exciting to meet someone who also not only can write but use it for fun as well. I’m so sorry my name is Sophie. It’s nice to meet you in person Natalie. Natalie: Oh! So you heard about me? (This is not new. What’s new here is that she did not call me by my title name “Dark angle”. Not many people know my real name off the top of their heads.) Sophie: Sorry if you don’t like me calling you by your real name. I can if you want me to call you by your rep name. Natalie: No it’s alright. I don’t like my title name much anyways… In fact I hate it. Sophie: That’s ok then. I’m kind of surprised… People make it out that your ruder than you are. Well they say you hardly talk you see. Natalie: Well I’m kind of surprised myself. Sophie: Intriguing answer… Natalie: Intriguing? Sophie: Well you’re saying that you have not always been this open. And the change happened not too long ago am I right? Natalie: (She’s sharp. Nobody really picks up on stuff like that but not only did she do that she picked up the fact that this change happened not too long ago. I better make use of her insight to help find this next base.) I guess you’re right. I was wondering if you could help me with this word game. Sophie: Very intriguing… Natalie: (Did she pick up on why I’m doing this just by me talking about her helping me with this?) What is? Sophie: So this is some kind of speech that for some reason you need a map to figure out the missing words? Interesting… Who made this game? Natalie: (Not good! She’s going to find out.) I made it… (Oh I just dug myself a hole didn’t I? I’m not totally use to talking to other people like this yet alone lying to them and it’s really showing.) Sophie: Oh… intriguing. Natalie: (Damn it can you stop saying that already.) What is? The game? Sophie: Has anybody told you that you’re a bad liar before? Natalie thinks back to the kids spotted her and Andrew about to kiss. This made her blush a little. Natalie: (She had to go and remind me.) N-no… Sophie: Oh you intriguingly naughty girl you! Natalie: (It’s like she is reading my mind. I can’t take this anymore!! I’m just going to say nothing. Silence is golden.) … Sophie: Oh I’m so sorry. I’m someone who likes to find the interest in things and people. I not only know the titles of all the most well-known bounty hunters around here I make it my job to reamer there rank, there powers and there real name. And if possible any other information that will come of use. Natalie: (She’s is not talking about anything that could make me leek information. I guess it’s safe to talk now. ) Doesn’t that get annoying after a while? I mean wont most of that information just become useless? Sophie: Interesting you say that. Sadly that just how it goes sometimes… you gather the information hoping it will lead to something and after all the work and time put in you find at the end nothing of benefit. That’s why I make it my job to take all the information I can get my hands on weather I need it now or not does not matter to me because even if it all amounts to nothing. Even if it all leads the wrong way I know that I’m going to find something else that will lead me to where I want to go. Kind of like how I met you. Natalie: I see…(I never tort about information like that before. I was considered the smartest in my class when I was young. It helped that my mum and dad where teachers. I hated it and if I could have the option to undo all the things that they crammed into me at the time I would have gladly did so. Maybe I did manage to forget some things but… Now I wish I took more time to listen to what they were saying. Not just the teaching. !! She’s read me again hasn’t she?) Sophie: … Intriguing… Natalie: (I’m going to keep falling for this… No! I need to get something out of this!) Well do you think you could help me with this game please? Sophie: Oh that. I have already figured out all the missing letters while talking to you. Natalie: Wh-!! Really?! What does it say?! Sophie: … Your reaction… YOU’RE SO FULL OF INTRUIGE!! I was right about you! Natalie: (She’s picking up all this from my reaction? Guess I picked a wrong day to start expressing myself… but wait what did she pick up this time?!?) Sophie: So sorry. I just don’t know how to keep out nose out. People who are looking for a hired job whether it is a simple body guard to taking out someone will gather in places like this to find said jobs. Although it is a bar they do allow children in basted of their skill. And since the younger ones are becoming stronger than they have been seen as the norm in most places like this. Did you know that just about 67% of the bounty hunters are under 18? It is mainly the ones that wiled demons swords who get in basted on their skill over age though. I made a list of all the people in hired muscle and although you and Andrew come up only 25 out of 100 in the strongest team section you come up at the very top in the mystery section. And where there is mystery there is something intriguing lying just behind it. You have a reputation and yet you have never taken a paid job instead you travel to the smaller villages and when you leave the children are telling stories of the hero’s “dark angel and her protector” … Natalie: (Better keep silent about anything else and ask only one thing. She’s read enough out of me for one day. Compose myself.) Could you please tell me what it says… Sophie: Oh so you caught on. Well it’s best you do because I really don’t know how to stop myself from gathering info on anything. I find it creeps people out but Flynn seems cool with it. He says something like: “If that’s your passion then who am I to hate it”. Natalie: That was a bad impression of his voice. *little laugh* (They both have this thing going on so it makes sense. Kind of funny if I think about it. She’s not so bad once you get over her probing characteristics.) Sophie: *giggles* I guess it was bad… I’m not going to ask you any more questions concerning the word game… and you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to… but… could you please tell me your story? I have heard rumours and whispers about you. Most of them are soon proven wrong but my instincts tell me there may be more truth in them then what they are led to believe. I just want to know for sure because… some of the rumours claimed that there are bases where they take missing children to in order to experiment on them. Because if that is true then the world needs to know about this… Natelie: I’m sorry. But please understand that you can’t get involved in this… Meanwhile just outside… Andrew: So... how are we going to do this? Flynn: A best to three set sparing match. You know how to sword spar with real swords right? Andrew: Well not to brag but my Father is a weapon’s teacher and was well know back in his day. Flynn: Good... now I won’t have to go over the basic rules. There is just one rule I would like to add and another I would like to change. Andrew: Let’s hear it. Flynn: This is a battle faugh with passion and so the rule must be put in place to show this! For that I say allow the use of our special powers with 50% of our full potential. Andrew: So is that 50% more or 50% less of our full potential? Flynn: I see what you mean... is the cup half full or half empty? With that question over our heads we won’t be able to fight at our post passionate.... In that case let’s raise it to 60%. Now we can fight without any worries with more passion when we would have done at 50! Andrew: (Again with the “passion”...) Ok I’m game. Flynn: Ok 60% it is! Andrew: (I’m mainly doing this for the grape soda rep but now that just feels silly. I must have been suffering sunstroke to go along with this. Maybe I’m still am... Oh well cant back down now.) Let’s get started. Andrew got into his ready stance... Flynn: Ok! Here I come! Flynn made the first move running towards Andrew and coming in with a swing from above. Andrew moved out of the way and replied by sending his energy to his sword and striking from bellow with an up slash. The move did not touch him but it made such a powerful wind blow it made Flynn fall down to the ground. Before he could regain his balance Andrew already had his sword pointing to his face giving him the first point... Andrew: Your stance was too wide and left you very unstable on your back... first point goes to me... By this time a hand full of people stopped to see the fight. Flynn: ... Your right. Guess I got a little passionate and did not cover my faults. It won’t happen again... Next round... Andrew: Sure. (This is very underwhelming. I almost feel sorry fighting him. And what making this worst are now people watching. I would have no problem if it was a more even match but this feels like bullying. And all this over something not important although it would be cool.) Flynn: Ok! I’m ready! Andrew:... (He looks like he’s going to charge at me again like last time...) Flynn: Here I come! Flynn charges into Andrew once again. He comes from above just like last time... Andrew: (This is not even funny. It’s sad. This guy can’t be taken seriously after all.) Andrew goes to doge it like last time and then went to change up energy into his sword once again but to his surprise he notices that his stance was correct this time. Not only that but he faked the down swing to do a spin around the gain momentum and strike Andrew right through his middle. Andrew how ever read this and was making the needed adjustment to block the oncoming attack. Andrew then goes on the offensives by making a quick move over to Flynn’s side and striking but to his surprise Flynn read this and put energy into his sword and slashed at Andrew. It had such force that it made Andrew fall back but he kept on his feet and got some distance from him. He then went to smash the ground making smoke from the rock he smashed. This made Flynn stop changing in although by this time he was right next to the smoke. At this moment Andrew came out of the smoke with a stab. Flynn blocked it making him fly back and fall on the ground and before he could recover Andrew was over him with the sword pointed to his face. Andrew: Your are better off avoiding those than taking them head on... two wins now...(He did surprise me for a moment but still... this is not enough to make things interesting...) Flynn: I see. What I’m lacking is pas- Andrew: Passion fruit? Flynn: Did you say something? Andrew: Oh nothing just a privet joke. (Dry jokes aside what’s with his guy and the word “passion”? His optimistic character gave my hopes up and now it feels like all the “passion” has been sucked out of me. It looks like he’s the only one enjoying this although he’s about to lose…) Flynn: Ok… you ready then? Andrew: Yeah sure whenever you are. (Well this is it. Whatever that amounts to.) Flynn: This is it! My passion at its fullest!! Andrew: (I may as well make the first move this time… at least I don’t get repeats of the same old attempt from “Mr passionate” over there.) Andrew came in fast and went for Flynn’s legs. Flynn however saw this coming and blocked it. Andrew then added power into the swing to knock him off his feet and it worked but this however worked in Flynn favour as he used the momentum to do a spin in the air. Andrew was taken by surprise by this and knew what was coming next if he did not block. Andrew: (Will I make it?) Suddenly Flynn added energy to his sword and with the spinning momentum from Andrew attack he struck down on him with such force it made a shock wave and made a loud noise. A moment before this back in the bar with Natalie and Sophie… Sometime had passed and it seems that Sophie told her what the sentence said and Natalie seems taken back by it. Natalie: !! Are you certain that’s what is says?... The sentence is shown solved with all the missing letters in the right places it says: “Why would she say that out aloud? And those tunnels doses not lead to titans’ creek. It leads to the base in Aqua falls.” Sophie: Well like I said I won’t probe anymore… and I understand you have your reasons. But I am 100% certain that the missing words are correct… so there is no mistake. Natalie: But that’s where…(We need to get there as soon as possible!) I’m sorry for not telling you anything you wanted. But I need to tell Andrew about this. (I’ve dragged him in this and now he could lose someone important to him… I don’t want to drag anyone else into this!) Sophie: It’s ok. I was being nosey but whatever the problem is it’s not my concern I’m sorry for asking you something that is so personal. Natalie: I have to go now and tell Andrew about this. Sophie: I won’t hold you back you go do that you need to do. I have to say… this is the first time I am left with more questions than answers after talking to someone. But although I just met you I felt I’ve known you for a while… sorry if that came out wearied. Natalie: (It’s not wearied I understand where you’re coming from. It’s funny I say that since I thought I could not understand feelings like friendship… but I guess I was wrong. Wish we met in better circumstances… Sophie.) I – Just then a loud shockwave was heard from outside. (It was the attack Flynn did to Andrew just before it cut off to the bar by the way.) Natalie: !! Sophie: I guess Flynn is still fighting your partner… Natalie: (What did she mean by partners!? Am I blushing?! I better not make her see me. And I should keep silent!) Sophie: I could stop them if you like since you are in a hurry… Natalie: No that’s ok… Sophie: And by the way… Sophie said while coming close to Natalie to have a good read of her face. Natalie: Wh-What. Sophie: You’re still bad at lying… Natalie: (She’s too good!) Sophie: You asked for that one. I was not implying you were a couple. You and your pure mind *giggles*. But you should be honest with yourself instead of keeping silent. Natalie: … (If only it was that simple…) Sophie: Well enough of that let’s see how our partners are doing. Natalie: Ok. And so the two of them head out to see Andrew and Flynn’s battle… By the time they get there Andrew had just lost a round and was in now in there next round. But it was not clear to them who were winning. Sophie: Well this is intriguing. I guess it must be 2-1 to Andrew now… or 2-2?… Natalie: (I guess she knows her partner enough to know how he will fight in a set spar match. But… I have sparred with Andrew and know also how he would fight in a sparring match and… I guess she is right. I never thought of using information in such a way… I see why she says intriguing so much. It kind of is. Reading information to such a degree.) Andrew is on the defensive and seems to be having trouble. Flynn is much stronger than he led himself out to be up until now. Whenever he attacks Flynn takes advantage of an opening in his stance and Andrew reply’s by stopping mid-way to protect himself from the attack. Andrew: (What is up with him!?! It’s like I’m fighting a totally different opponent!) He thinks back to how he lost the first point. (The part where he just managed to block a powerful attack.) He blocked it but the power was way more than he expected and he lost grip to his sword. Before he could do anything about it Flynn had already had his sword pointed at his neck and that’s how he taken his first point. After that Flynn said: “I’m sorry for not going all out from the start. It’s that unless I’m put into a corner I am not as passionate as I need to be in a fight.” On this round the two of them seem to be taking this more seriously. Andrew although still shocked on the amount of power he had was being much more careful. Andrew: (So he’s a lost stronger than he made himself out to be… I just have to win and that will be that. I see weakness in his moves.) Andrew sees the opening he needed and started his attack in hopes of ending the fight with this move. Andrew: (The “Clockwise Counter” should do the trick. Here goes!) Andrew threw his sword giving it a great spinn in a clockwise direction (Just like he did when he battled Dawn.) Flynn however a step ahead and fainted the attack. By the time Andrew noticed this it was too late. Flynn had already pointed his sword at Andrew. Natalie: (Did he lose?!?) Andrew: !! (I was so close from wining and got careless. I never expected to see through my counter just by seeing it the first time. Damn!) Flynn:… Now I’ve caught up 2-2… Sophie: So he took my advice… Natalie: (She gave him battle advice? Then maybe I should give Andrew a heads up.) Flynn: I’ll let you on to a little secret… I have not been totally honest with you… Andrew: (Secret? Is he after more than a sparring match? This could be bad news…) What is it you want to confess? ... Flynn: The truth is… My passion up until now has not been the same since the start. And I’m sorry. Andrew: (… Was that it?… This guy is too much. And here’s me worrying.) Well that’s you business not mine so why are you telling me this? It has nothing to do with our fight. Flynn: Are you for real? It has everything to do with our fight! Andrew: (… I’m beginning to wonder if we are even on the same planet…) so how do your torts have anything to do with his battle? Flynn: Passion is the fuel that powers the soul! When I offered you out to fight we agreed it was over this can of grape soda and so the passion fuelling this battle was the to calm this soda am I right. Andrew: (Well for me it may have been a bit more than that I guess I’m following.) I guess… Flynn: I thought so… it was the same for me on the first round. My fuel driving me on was to keep my soda. But when I lost I found a better reason to fight you and that was not to be made a fool of like I did on the first round and although it kept me going for a while I was not enough and I lost again. And from then on up until now I have been running off the passion of winning no matter what and now we are even. Andrew: (That strangely made perfect sense… I would go as far as say I have been told something like this a long time ago by my father… no he did not use the word passion once. But wait.) Why are you telling me this now? Flynn: Because I want to win with you at your most passionate. Sophie told me of a way to make the best use of my passion. All I have to do is put myself in a pinch and I begin fighting at my best. And at the same time it will demoralize the opponent I’m fighting. Andrew: (Lose battles in order to turn from a cornered rat into a lion?!?! That is crazy and yet it’s total genies. And it seems to be working on me like a charm. They would be great to have as teammates.) Well now I see the whole picture of all your action up till now. Flynn: So I will ask you once more: Do you have it? A passion strong enough to stand to mine? Andrew: *grins* (You know… We are more alike that I first thought… But you should of not aimed so high because I have one… a will that can make me overcome anything… I just never thought about using such a thought on something like a soda. But I guess it is not the thing that counts it’s the will that helped you reach that thing.) I understand now… Let’s get this over with. Andrew stood there with a determined look in his eyes… Flynn: (His eyes… I guess he’s ready.) That’s good to hear. The two of them charged at each other and met in the middle with a powerful clash. They then jumped back and Andrew went straight back to charging at Flynn. Flynn responded to this by trying to back off but Andrew was the faster between them and came within attacking range and used one of his special moves. Andrew: (Night slash!) However Flynn was able to not only block it but counter it. But Andrew used that chance to use his “Clockwise Counter” and countered his counter back at him. Sophie: A counter used to counter a counter? How intriguing. Natalie: (looks like things worked out in the end without me saying anything. Win or lose… this is the Andrew I’ve grown to know.) There are brief flashbacks of the time Natalie and Andrew spared and the time he lost to her and many other times they spared together. Meanwhile the fight is still going at full swing. Andrew: (He’s good… he ended up countering my counter… but he is slower than me. I will end it with my new move.) Andrew then stood in a horse stance and began spinning his sword around behind him. Flynn saw this and was heading out to stop him but it was too late. Andrew: (Lone shadow…) Flynn: !! Where did he go?! It was like he vanished into thin air… Flynn desperately looked around trying to find him. Meanwhile unknown to Flynn a shadow shaped like Andrew made it’s way to him and was about to attack him. Flynn scented this and reacted by slashing where he felt the presents but to his surprise he hit nothing. Flynn: (Wait! Then where is he?!) As if to answer his question Andrew appeared behind Flynn with his sword pointed to his back. Flynn knew he could not find a way out of this and admitted defeat. Andrew: … (This is my “Will”.) This is my Win… Natalie: (Will, passion, heart. No matter how you put it or how you come to understand it is not important. I don’t know anyone who has more of any of them than Andrew…) Sophie: (He’s developed the inner power of the “Dark knight” just like in stories of the time long forgotten that is no small feat. To find the darkness even in light and use it as a weapon. Dark knights were at their best when in the total dark however due to the lack of sight from being in the dark this was a double edge sword. It’s nowhere near as powerful as the dark knights in the story but it is intriguing to see it first-hand.) Flynn: (Ironic how I was the cornered rat that became a lion only to be eaten by a dragon… or should I say swallowed by an endless pit… such an unstoppable passion. I was utterly defeated…) Well a deal is a deal… take it… Flynn says to Andrew as he points to the Grape soda… Andrew: Good… Because I’m dying of thirst right now. D: Andrew quickly opens the can and makes short work of the contents inside of it. Natalie begins walking up to Andrew to tell him the news… Andrew: (So I guess I am at my strongest then I use Natalie as my will or heart or whatever.) Hey did you see that last move I did? Told you I would get it. Natalie: I know where the next base is… Andrew:! Andrew could see the seriousness on Natalie’s face… Andrew: That’s good right? So where is it? Natalie: Aqua falls… Andrew:!!... That’s where my mum lives! Flynn: ? Did I miss something? Sophie: … (It’s is ok to keep out of this. Is it?) Natalie: So what do you want to do? I mean we can go there now. It will take three days to get there but you have to go and cheek up on your mother. Andrew: (So they have another base parked right outside my mum’s home town…) He thinks back to what Epimetheus said to them. Epimetheus quote: “We have an army. For your sake you better ready one of your own.” Natalie: Andrew?… Andrew: We need to ready our own… Hey Flynn! How would you like to form a team with us? And Sophie right? That do you say? Flynn: A team? And what would I get out of this? You’ve already taken my soda. Sophie: (For him to ask to join with a team with his level of skill means that whatever they are up agents is bigger than I care to understand. If that’s the case it is with in my intrigue to get to the bottom of this foe they face.) I will join your- Andrew: Yeah and thank you very much for the soda by the way. I really needed that. So what do you say? Interested? Flynn: You have not answered my question yet. How is a man meant to answer such a bold request when he does not know how much passion lies in the path that has been opened up for him? Natalie: Andrew… can I talk to you for a second… Sophie: … Flynn: … Andrew: … Sure. Where? In the bar? ... Ok in the bar. (This is a new side of her.) Natalie and Andrew walk off into the bar leaving Flynn and Sophie outside… Sophie: Even the way she gets fed up is intriguingly cute… Flynn: Yeah… but you got to feel sorry for the guy… His passion will be put to the test. She can either accept it or shatter it to pieces. Hang in there bro... Meanwhile back in the bar Andrew and Natalie have found a quiet place to talk… Natalie: We cannot take them with us. It’s dangerous. You know this and yet you still ask them to come along? Andrew: This up to them but I did ask. We need to form a team if we plan on saving everyone. We can’t do this alone anymore. We got lucky the last and you know it. If that Epimetheus guy decided to fight us we would not be here… Natalie: Well we will train harder. We will wait until we are ready and- Andrew: How long will we have to wait?... They are not going to sit and wait for us to be ready. And they said they have an army… we can’t keep going the way we have up till now… Natalie: … Andrew: And now I find out that they are in the same area where my mum lives. We can’t wait anymore. And you know that. So why are you saying this? Back outside with Sophie and Flynn… Flynn: You saw their body language before they went in the bar… who do you think will have the last say? Sophie: It looks like Andrew although taken off guard by Natalie’s request had an intriguing look on his face. He seems like he is determined to have his way and believes his judgement is for the best. Maybe it is for the best. Flynn: So his passion is backed by reason. So he will come out on top? Sophie: No… Flynn: … I don’t get it… Sophie: You don’t need to get it. It’s simply because Andrew is a man and Natalie on the other hand is a woman. And when they are ready they can argue without logic or reason and still win the debate. Poor Andrew is too inexperienced with this to handle the wrath of a woman just yet. Flynn: *sigh* Guess there are something’s that a man’s passion alone cannot overcome… Sophie: I reckon I can change her mind. But mind you things will get intriguingly dramatic… Back at the bar where Andrew and Natalie are having a privet chat… Andrew: So tell me… Why should we not take them? ( I just don’t get it.) Natalie: (You won’t get it even if I tell you…) Andrew: Well?… (This is beyond what we can handle. She does know that right?) Natalie: (I know I’m being selfish… but I don’t want to drag anyone else into this hell… I know I’m being stupid… but.) Natalie was looking like she was trying to hold back what she wanted to say… Andrew:… Natali- Natalie: BECAUSE I SAID SO! Andrew: O.o wha-? Why are you shouti- Natalie: BECAUSE I’VE BEEN TELLING YOU THAT WE CANT HAVE OTHER PEOPLE COME WITH US AND YOU GO AHEAD AND NOT LISTEN TO WHAT I SAID! THAT’S WHY IM SHOUTING!! Andrew: (Never in my life have she ever shouted to me like this before. I’m speechless.) *dead silent* Natalie: (It’s not as if I want to increase our chances of dying. It’s just I don’t want to drag anyone else down with us. Don’t worry… If it comes down to it I will give my life to protect the town your mother and you Andrew. But I know we will survive. I feel stronger because you’re around. And I only realised that now… I’m so ungrateful.) Now let’s get going. Aqua falls is a three day journey as it is. Natalie walks out leaving Andrew in a state of shock. Andrew: (… The hell just happened?! I was sure what I said made sense but now I don’t know anymore… what was we even talking about? Oh yeah about new team mates. Well I must have been wrong because I got shouted at and now we are leaving. Well no matter if I must I will give my life to protect the town my mum and Natalie. Guess we can handle this one on our own.) Hang on I’m coming!. Just then Natalie walks out of the shot followed by Andrew. She walks on and sees Sophie and Flynn just ahead of them. Natalie: … (No matter what they say I can’t let them sway me to let them come… I don’t need the guilt of two more people I have dragged down with me.) Natalie’s and Andrew where passing by Sophie and Flynn without saying a word. Andrew seemed out of it from the shouting he had done to him and Natalie just did not want to interact with them. Sophie: … Natalie: … Sophie: You know your silence tells me more than you have from since we met… Natalie stops walking and stood there with her back facing Sophie’s… Sophie: This is bigger than a personal problem am I right? Natalie: Yes… Sophie: ! Natalie: Surprised I answered? Yeah well if I kept quiet about it you would have picked up on the answer yourself and am no good with lying so I might as well tell you the truth… Yes we are dealing with something big. And maybe it’s too big for just us two. But we’ve come too far down this road to turn back now… Sophie: … Natalie: I am glad I met you and… I wish we could have met on better terms… but this is what fate had install for us… and there is no point on complaining. We are going and we are not interested in becoming team mates… Sophie: Well we were not going to ask about that. Natalie: ! Sophie: That place you were talking about sound intriguing so me and Flynn decided to go there… so you see we are going the same way… Aqua falls right? Natalie: Can’t you go somewhere else for a while first? Flynn: Plus Andrew is heading there and I would like to spar with him some more. What do you say to that Andrew? Andrew: Yeah that will be awso- Andrew looks at Natalie and went dead silent again. Natalie: What’s wrong with you people?!? Why are you being so nosey?! Can’t you go and take your “passionate intrigue” somewhere else!?! Sophie said nothing but walked up to Natalie and slapped her across the face… Natalie was beyond shocked by her reaction… Natalie: !! Andrew: Natalie!! Andrew snapped out of the faze he was in since Natalie shouted at him and was running over to Natalie to protect her but was stopped by Flynn. Andrew: Move! Or else I’ll kill you!! Flynn: Stop and look at what’s going on for a sec!!… And if your passion still wills it… Kill me. Hearing that Andrew calmed down and watched what was going on. Sophie: How dear you… we are your elders! We are the ones that are spouse to protect you not the other way around! You maybe personally involved in this but this is why grownups are here for. To get Involved in things like this. To help get you out of trouble. It does matter if they are not related by blood or are not friends to leave kids to wonder off into some place so dangerous and have us adults turn a blind eye is sick and wrong and it is not in my interest to do such a backwards thing!... So listen, I’m coming along with you Natalie: YOU CAN’T! You will only end up regretting it… so listen to me! Please. Keep out of this… Sophie: Even if I end up become dragged into this and there is no way out I will have regrets. Because to lift a burden off a child’s shoulder is what a grown-ups job is after all. I know you find it hard to trust yourself around others because you’re afraid hurting of them. But you can’t burden all the pain alone… So let us help you… This is the first time in a long time Natalie felt she had someone who was grown up who she could talk to and could help her since she’s been kidnapped. What Sophie done seemed to work because she has opened up to her. Natalie: *sniffing in tears* But we are not too far apart in age. Sophie: Hehe I guess you’re right. Where more like younger and older sisters am I right? Natalie: … Sophie: What’s wrong? Natalie: Well I never had a sibling so I don’t know what it’s like to have an older sister… But I get the feeling they can be as annoying as you. Sophie: Intriguing how you catch on so quickly. Natalie: Well so long as I don’t have to keep saying “that” then I can live with myself. Sophie: What do you mean by “that”? Meanwhile Andrew and Flynn where watching both Natalie and Sophie iron things out. Flynn: She ran over here after finding out the enemy you face… Andrew: The enemy we face? Flynn: You see, we were in the village you were last at. We normally go about from village to village between our missions and when we have some time she would help teach whatever she could to children of the village. You could say she’s a teacher but she does it more out of passion than profit. We would some time hear stories from these children about people not to much younger than them saving them from kidnappers. “They would beat up the bad guys and bring us home.” The presents however where split on their beliefs on it. Some would say they saw them bring their kid back to them but other don’t want to accept that they almost lost their kids forever and just pass it off as a story there child made up. Andrew: Not surprising since we never really say hi to the parent’s. In fact sometimes we just drop them off outside there village and leave so there present are none the wiser. Flynn: Well anyways all the stories there told from different village led us to believe that they were in fact true. But just five days ago we came from the same villager you were last at and the children told us a story more daring than the rest. Andrew: (So they know even about our most ballzy rescue yet…) Flynn: They told us about how a girl with dark wings on her back and a boy saved them from a base and battled a huge robot and how the bad guys declared war on you…) Andrew: (So they even saw that?!) Flynn: When she found out that you left only two days ago she was more determined than ever to meet you. And help you in your battle agents the people who have done wrong. Andrew: (So they ran all that time to catch up to us… wait… so when they just came in the bar it was from running through the desert all the way here just to help us?!?) Flynn: And I’m with Sophie on this one. We were hoping that by chance you would ask for our help so we played along to see where that would get us. But now we can’t accept no from you after what we found out is in fact true. Andrew: Well like I said before it would be a great help if you came along. And I need a good sparring partner. Flynn: I’m sorry… Andrew: What for? (And please nothing about passion.) Flynn: I stopped you from going to protect Natalie before… I just want you to know that sometimes tough love is better than staying silent about something just because you don’t want them to hate you. As your elder I felt that I had to teach you that no matte what. But I still feel bad so… sorry. Andrew: Meh I’m over it and besides your right… sometimes you have to make a stand for the things that you think is right for the people you care about… I get that now. (I guess I am still a kid after all. But that’s not a bad thing.) Meanwhile Back with Natalie and Sophie… They have settled their differences. Natalie X Sophie: *Both laughing* Natalie: … But I wish we met in a happier situation… And I never had such a crusted life. If we did you would have probably been my best friend or something… Sophie: I believe fate had us meet like this. Maybe it’s not too late… Maybe fate will have your future be a brighter one than the one you have now. And we could still be friends… but for now let’s make that first step to that future. What do you say? Natalie: But is it worth the risk having you hate me for bring into this? (Or worst you could die…) Sophie: If you don’t let me join you then I swear I will find this place myself and face the consequences of that alone. So either way I’m going. So I might as well go together, with a friend. Sophie said while offering out her hand in an offer of friendship. Natalie hesitated for a moment but then took her hand accepting her friendship. Natalie: Will you join me on this quest? As a friend? Sophie: It would be my plusher… Flynn: I too will be joining your passionate quest for the greater good. Andrew: Hehe. Yeah… Now that that is settled let’s get going. To Aqua falls. (Mum… I hope you’re alright. Don’t worry. I’ve made friends that can help… so hang in there… where coming.) Natalie: (It looks like it won’t be just me and Andrew against the seven stars anymore. I feel happy but… Is this really ok? To bring more people down to the path of oblivion?…) TBC… |
You should go over your dialogue again and rework them so that they sound more natural. Remember that when people talk they don't always form full sentences, and a lot of things are alluded to indirectly instead of addressed directly. For example:
Quote:
Andrew: Speakers huh? These clever bastards are getting really damn efficient. [Cut Natalie's dialogue about going to get them, she should just go and have Andrew be startled by her actions] Andrew: WAIT! Remember the plan? Natalie: !! Andrew: We follow the truck. Locate their base. THEN we save everyone. Natalie: Sorry... |
True about the dialogue part. thanks for pointing that out.
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Now this was where it all started for me. This here is the series called The Demon Sword that i started as a mess around with an animating program than then turned into a story. I wanted to make the whole series in this but it takes too much time to pass of as a hobby if i where to go ahead with it so this was as far as i went with it. this story takes place in the same time line and world as Sorataki but stars different charters and plot but some charters from this world this series meed ones from Sorataki in fact if you at least read the first ep and then went to watch this you will see recognizable names in the series.
Any who's enjoy and before you ark yes i did animate this and yes the spelling and grammar is bad. had a bed habit of wanting to get it done near the end and that along with difficulty noticing spelling mistakes made this but it was a hobby nothing too important so... The Demon Sword: The demon sword part 1: The demon sword part 2: The longest day The demon sword ep 3: The promise |
Only watched the first 2 so far. They're pretty good, reminds me of those stick figure fight stuff that came out a couple years ago. I really love the retro sound effects. The text is a bit hard to read though.
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Just watched some snippets but this is kind of fascinating. Will respond more intelligibly after viewing.
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Thanks for the comments. Now i would put up the next episode but i want to go over it and catch any spelling mistakes as i can before hand. I would do that but im kind of working on the latest ones so it's a question of whew i should best concentrate my efforts on sort of thing right now.
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Hey one and all. Just posting to show that im still active just been busy. As for the script it is still in the works. I would post up the next part but problem is I am miles ahead of the next chapter and still going and for me to go back and fix up stuff I find can distract from my flow. I will may get around to it soon or even tonight but for now just a heads up.
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