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Hera 2011-12-30 15:25

Friendship
 
Well, there's already a "Dating" thread for people to come asking questions or discussing about relationships, so I thought it's a good idea to have a "Friendship" thread too :P

Kyuu 2011-12-30 19:47

OH, the sad feeling of being "FRIEND ZONED!" :eyespin::heh:

Protip for guys: put the girl in the friend zone first. ;)

Anyways. Every New Year since high school - I've been gathering up with my friends. Likewise, we do it again this weekend. To think, it's been about 14-15 years since we first started this tradition.

Who 2011-12-30 20:03

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kyuu (Post 3925671)
OH, the sad feeling of being "FRIEND ZONED!" :eyespin::heh:

Protip for guys: put the girl in the friend zone first. ;)

Pretty much the brotip of the day.

Hera 2011-12-31 18:02

Welcome everyone :P

I just figured one of my friends is using the "silent treatment" on me :eyespin: We met online for 8 years, then we met in real life. A few months after we actually met, she stopped talking to me. She didn't pick up when I called (but when I used my mom's phone to call, she picked up) :eyebrow: I PM her on Facebook asking what's the deal and if she had any problem, we can talk as adults. She hasn't replied, either. It's frustrating. So what should I do? :rolleyes:

NoemiChan 2011-12-31 19:08

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hera (Post 3927068)
Welcome everyone :P

We met online for 8 years, then we met in real life. A few months after we actually met, she stopped talking to me. She didn't pick up when I called (but when I used my mom's phone to call, she picked up) :eyebrow: I PM her on Facebook asking what's the deal and if she had any problem, we can talk as adults. She hasn't replied, either. It's frustrating. So what should I do? :rolleyes:

Just don't give up....

I got a phone friend (Textmate to be exact) and after four years of chatting we never got the chance to meet up. Now I don't where she is, or how she's doing... but my hopes in meeting her still lives on....:(

NeoChan 2011-12-31 19:48

Friends do come and go. The only thing we can do is cherish the wonderful memories you have spend time with them...;)

ChainLegacy 2011-12-31 20:38

I've always maintained a small group of good friends with a larger group of people I might talk to with some regularity. Though as I've gotten older, I've definitely stopped making new friends as quickly, that's one of the good parts of youth I suppose. On the other hand, while I lost and gained different groups of friends throughout childhood and adolescence, the group I've known since 15 all remain in touch and hang out when we're all back home.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hera (Post 3927068)
Welcome everyone :P

I just figured one of my friends is using the "silent treatment" on me :eyespin: We met online for 8 years, then we met in real life. A few months after we actually met, she stopped talking to me. She didn't pick up when I called (but when I used my mom's phone to call, she picked up) :eyebrow: I PM her on Facebook asking what's the deal and if she had any problem, we can talk as adults. She hasn't replied, either. It's frustrating. So what should I do? :rolleyes:

Maybe she had some different image of you from online to in-person. It's not very fair or mature to behave that way, but to maintain a relationship online for that long then break it off relatively soon after meeting would seem to suggest it's the case, unfortunately (imo).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kyuu (Post 3925671)

Anyways. Every New Year since high school - I've been gathering up with my friends. Likewise, we do it again this weekend. To think, it's been about 14-15 years since we first started this tradition.

That's nice that you've kept it up that long.

Vexx 2012-01-01 16:30

What ChainLegacy said:
Quote:

Maybe she had some different image of you from online to in-person. It's not very fair or mature to behave that way, but to maintain a relationship online for that long then break it off relatively soon after meeting would seem to suggest it's the case, unfortunately (imo).
About half the time when I meet someone in real life, there's this disconnect between the persona projected online and reality. Often its because the person may be socially awkward in real life or its just easier for them to feel natural online. Since she dropped completely off-radar you may never know (of course, she might also have other issues? lost access, RL issues, etc).

Sometimes its great, sometimes its not... a null result is better than a "oh, your hobby is serial murder?" result :)

Endless Soul 2012-01-01 17:32

Friends do come and go indeed, but there are a few that will be in your life forever. For example, I have one particular friend who I've known since kindergarten (1974ish) and we talk to each other quite often. I imagine we'll keep doing so until our ending days.

These are the ones worth keeping.

Endless "BFF" Soul

ChainLegacy 2012-01-01 17:51

The only time I've ever met someone online, and then in real life would be my friend from Minnesota. We've been gaming together for years and talking over Ventrilo with some other real life friends of mine. We took a road trip out to see him a few years back, wasn't any different than conversing online. On the other hand, the voice element certainly adds a different level of personality that you might not fully perceive, based purely on text. I definitely write a bit differently than I speak, not on purpose, but it's definitely a different part of the brain working, I would assume (perhaps someone with more knowledge in the human brain could provide input).

Dhomochevsky 2012-01-01 18:06

You can not call someone a friend, who you never met in real life.
If you only ever interact online, you build up a picture, that is most likely false, or at least lacks detail. Humans have an amazing ability to assess other humans from all those little details they give off, but that only works face to face.
In absence of that, you use other things, like avatar pictures, or nicknames. But those don't hold much truth.

Also, as ChainLegacy said, you might act different online.
For example, I am quite a sarcastic person in real life. I tend to do ironic jokes and statements a lot. You will hear a lot of snarky comments. But in text, that is really difficult to convey, so I completely refrain from even trying it. Would only cause misunderstandings after all.

For me, real friends are those I can be together with, without any pressure. You know, like that awkward feeling "we haven't spoken for a minute, better think of something to say now". Just being together, doing whatever is ok.
Also, I can bring up any topic without fear of being laughed at. There is a level of understanding and acceptance, that allows for this. No reason to present an artifical "you" like you would do in public.

Ledgem 2012-01-01 18:54

Well, I guess I'll ask for advice.

I've been having problems making friends. I had a good group of friends through grade school, and then made a group of friends in college. I loosely keep in touch with members from both groups, but distance and different life paths make it difficult to connect. It doesn't help that most of us have chosen career paths that keep us very busy, or that some members have changed to be almost completely incompatible activity-wise.

There are two issues for me. First, most of my hobbies are solitary. The second is that I married young. I get along great with all kinds of people, but when it comes to social activities, the singles want to hit bars or go partying. A wedding ring doesn't ban be from such activities, but it's never been my thing, and it feels even weirder to be in that scene while married. Other married people generally do their own thing with their families. (And so would I - it's just that I'm temporarily separated from my wife, since we're in schools that are geographically distant.) Temporary issue aside, I guess I'm also curious about how to balance marriage and friendship. I've hit issues before where single friends want to spend a lot more time together than I'm willing to; frequently cutting out of group activities early means you miss out on a lot of stuff and can slowly get edged out.

I just want to be able to hang out with people that I can connect with, but I haven't found anyone like that so far. Perhaps I'm just being too picky, or perhaps I just haven't encountered the right types of people where I am now.

I'd guess that most people on here are similar to me, personality-wise and hobby-wise, but that few (if any) have gone through this exact sort of experience. I'll take advice or thoughts from anyone, though :)

NightbatŪ 2012-01-01 19:33

Basicly, the friends I found 25 years ago are still those I 'hang out' with
every other 'friend' that came along after that faded in obscurity

Those other 'friends' were somewhat comparable to online friends, as in: when you stop logging in to facebook, they won't miss you (and vice versa)

I'm somewhat like Dhomochevsky (though I have no qualms being sarcastic in text :D)

whitepearl 2012-01-01 22:12

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeoChan (Post 3927155)
Friends do come and go. The only thing we can do is cherish the wonderful memories you have spend time with them...;)

Gotta agree with this.

You can hold onto the memories all you want but if a friend in the present is no longer the same person you once knew in the past...change has to happen.

There are true friends, just friends, and acquaintances.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Endless Soul (Post 3928418)
Friends do come and go indeed, but there are a few that will be in your life forever. For example, I have one particular friend who I've known since kindergarten (1974ish) and we talk to each other quite often. I imagine we'll keep doing so until our ending days.

These are the ones worth keeping.

Endless "BFF" Soul

Quoting this because I agree with you too. I've one friend whom I've known for her whole life while the rest of my close/true friends I've known for less than ten years. But like you said, they're the types who will be in my life forever.

Masuzu 2012-01-01 22:39

I don't necessariusly think that one needs to have met the other in person to be able to call them a friend, maybe it's because my definition of it is rather loose, but I could consider some people here my friends, despite not having met them in person.

While it's true that your image of them might not be the real deal, you can't always say that seeing someone face to face will give you the real deal either, people will hide what they want to hide, and seeing them up close in personal is not going to bring their personalities to light any more than the image you already have of them.

I believe that even if a person doesn't turn out to match your mental image of them, it does not mean the memories you have of them are false, and that goes the same for the connection you made with them, be it in person or online.

Hera 2012-01-01 22:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vexx (Post 3928362)
What ChainLegacy said:
About half the time when I meet someone in real life, there's this disconnect between the persona projected online and reality. Often its because the person may be socially awkward in real life or its just easier for them to feel natural online. Since she dropped completely off-radar you may never know (of course, she might also have other issues? lost access, RL issues, etc).

RL = relationship???
Well, I knew she was dating s/o...
Well, I think we knew each other's personality. Such as, we both knew the other was an introvert lol. I knew she's socially awkward too so that was no surprise.

Who 2012-01-01 22:56

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hera (Post 3928769)
RL = relationship???
Well, I knew she was dating s/o...
Well, I think we knew each other's personality. Such as, we both knew the other was an introvert lol. I knew she's socially awkward too so that was no surprise.

My take on it is that RL means real life... but that's what everyone I know associates RL with.

Edit:
It might just be relationship. Oh well
On topic: It's weird. I don't really talk to old friends, nor do they talk to me; examples being elementary school friends and middle school friends and most high school friends, but when it's time to meet up, we have so much more to talk about and talk like there hasn't been any degree of separation between us. For instance, at the last high school reunion, most of us met at 9 in the morning and parted ways at 7 AM the next day... almost like it was another day of senior year of high school.

Tenken's Smile 2012-01-01 23:40

Most people often prefer being friends with people who are self-assured and problem-free, and tend to stay away from people who currently have troubles, partly because no one wants to hear emotional/depressing things or complaints...
It's not fair, but I think
if you want to make friends, you should rather hide your insecurities or work to become as strong as you can be.
What are your thoughts on this?

DonQuigleone 2012-01-01 23:45

To get good friendships require's plenty of time.

Regarding insecurities, hide them, friendships are not for discussing such personal things. Maybe if you've known them a really long time. Otherwise, stick to more jovial conversation.

Mystique 2012-01-01 23:53

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dhomochevsky (Post 3928447)
You can not call someone a friend, who you never met in real life.
If you only ever interact online, you build up a picture, that is most likely false, or at least lacks detail. Humans have an amazing ability to assess other humans from all those little details they give off, but that only works face to face.
In absence of that, you use other things, like avatar pictures, or nicknames. But those don't hold much truth.

I'm a living example to break that belief, you can :)
This dance has been done before to death in the 'online relationship' thread.

A friend and even a true one no longer is defined by conventional forms only given this internet age. I believe most would agree with it depending on the amount of emotional investment both put into a friendship be it online and via skype or offline.
If both parties are "keeping it real", we're talking friends here not lovers either, then true bonds can be formed between peeps, that survive even through the toughest of times.
It doesn't make the bond between the two humans any less valuable just cause you haven't shared physical space together.
Quote:

For me, real friends are those I can be together with, without any pressure. You know, like that awkward feeling "we haven't spoken for a minute, better think of something to say now". Just being together, doing whatever is ok.
Also, I can bring up any topic without fear of being laughed at. There is a level of understanding and acceptance, that allows for this. No reason to present an artifical "you" like you would do in public.
Exactly, who's to say that can't be established online? :)
Well for me, I got lucky methinks to find one of my life-long best friends based on a relationship that's 85% online, 15% offline over 7 years now :)

I've done the super, duper, summarised to hell version of how i feel regarding online friendships, the easiest thing would be to dig up that thread and link my old posts, since what I wrote 2 yeas ago on here hasn't changed. I've been meeting 1-2 peeps from the internet almost every year for 11 years now, it's amazing how much one can learn about human psychology and interaction between the offline/online switch.

But if there's one thing I've learnt for sure, is that seeing and hanging out with a person 'offline' guarantees fuck all (pardon my language) to how much you know a person, or assuming you got or will get a better picture of them than you ever would online.
Rather, methinks humans rely too much on their eyes to judge/read a person…

Offline = Their appearance, behaviour in a set environment and physical mannerisms.
Online = Their thoughts, feelings, ideas and views on any topic that concerns you.

Both can be as incomplete a picture as the other...

When do you know you got a true friend?
When shit hits the fan and you see who will set their life aside and try to dedicate as much time to you as possible. :)


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