Novella Hasuka ~ A Magical Girl VN Project
I'm not sure if this is really allowed or not, but I couldn't find anything specifically stating original works aren't permitted. Well, I guess I can get away with it, seeing as it's being created by a fan of the magical girl genre... even though my actual exposure is surprisingly limited. :uhoh:
Anyway, towards the end of last year, I started putting together this little project based on a long-time desire to write a visual novel and the realization that quite a few of those I'm familiar with have some sort of magical girl spinoff. So I figured I could just cut out the middle man, so to speak, and just make a magical girl themed visual novel.
... Unfortunately, I'm incredibly lazy, so during the seven months time I've been working on this, a similar fanfic project by Triple_R based around Madoka Magica has already gone quite far. In fact, it already has one route finished. :heh:
For now, I'll just stick with putting up the writing portion, thinking of this as a sort of "open beta" of sorts. Ultimately, I want to turn this into a full-fledged VN, but I figured it couldn't hurt to post the beginning sections.
So without further ado, please humor the insane desires of someone who is probably too obsessed with this genre.
(Oh, and make sure to keep track of choices made... they are kinda important, after all. :heh:)
Wh... Where am I? Why am I running? Is... Is something chasing me? It looks like the floor and walls around me are... Made of some sort of metal? There are pipes and other things protruding out of them. I can't think much about my surroundings, though, as there's sounds of explosions behind me! Am I being attacked? Why? What did I do?! Suddenly...
I find myself sitting up in my bed, with my hair a complete mess. Was that... A dream? It felt so real...
An Unexpected Encounter
"What a strange dream..." I said while brushing my light, somewhat reddish hair. I was wearing my school's uniform, which consists a white button-up top with a ribbon tied into a bow near the collar, a red-trimmed blue jacket featuring a green emblem on the left side pulled over it, and a red pleated skirt that went about halfway down to my knees. When I was finished fixing my hair, I tied it off on the sides. Oh right, I almost forgot! I'm Hasuka Murasaki, a second-year middle school student.
After eating breakfast, I swiftly ran out the door, shouting a cheerful "I'm going now!" as I left.
"Okay then. Be careful!" Was the response I had gotten from my older sister, Sumire. Her classes start later than mine, so she generally takes her time getting ready. As a result, I generally have to leave home by myself... but I don't mind, really! I'm not alone the entire way, as I usually meet up with my friends about halfway there. Of course...
Today was a little different, as a girl I never met before ran into me... Literally! I'm guessing she's rather light, as the force of her bumping into me was only enough to make me lose my balance slightly. It seems she wasn't as lucky though, as she was on the ground when I turned to check on her.
"A... are you okay?"
"Um... I..." the girl managed to say, albeit in a slight whimper. She seemed a little shy...
Looking closer at the girl, her short hair was styled in a manner that gave her bangs extending down her forehead and parted in the middle. It also seemed to have a bluish hue, and it looked like she had a white ribbon of some sort on the right side, which crossed itself once at the top and went straight across just below. If you were to look at it sideways, it would look almost like the Roman letters X and I... or maybe I and X? Anyway, judging from the uniform she was wearing, she goes to the same school as me, though the yellow emblem on her jacket meant she was a first-year student. More to the point, it seemed she got hurt from the fall.
I didn't want to just leave her alone if she needed help, but I didn't want to make my friends needlessly wait longer for me, either. At the very least, I wanted to make sure I apologized.
Spoiler for A: "I'm sorry! Let me help you up, okay?":
Spoiler for B: "I'm sorry! Do you need some help?":
Spoiler for C: I'm sorry! Are you going to be okay?:
At the start of class, our teacher, Konishi-sensei, had an unexpected announcement to make. After clearing his throat, he spoke up. "Starting today, a new student will be joining you. Be sure to treat her with respect, and try to get along as though she were here from the start."
He then motioned to someone standing outside. Shortly after, a girl with long, dark hair tied into a pair of ponytails, one on each side of her head, entered the room. The rest of the class seemed fascinated by this girl, who seemed to be gliding on air as she walked past the front row. After walking halfway across the room, she spun on one foot to face us. Then, with a smile on her face, she began her introduction.
"Good morning. My name is Kei Katsuhiro. Prior to today, I received private tutelage overseas. However, I hope you will treat me as though I have lived here my entire life. It is my pleasure to meet you all." With that last sentence, she had bowed in an elegant manner. Her impressive introduction was met with applause.
"As for seating arrangements... Hm... There seems to be an empty seat next to Murasaki-san. Please stand up and direct Katsuhiro-san to where she will be sitting."
"Y-yes!" I quickly stood up in response. Unfortunately, I had lost my balance when doing so, and fell in the process. Some of my classmates chuckled a bit at this, but I tried my hardest to ignore them. What did manage to catch my attention, however, was the person who spoke next.
"Are you alright? Let me help you up." Before I realized what was happening, Katsuhiro-san hurried to my side to help me back to my feet. It felt like my heart had skipped a beat as our eyes met.
"Th-thank you, Katsuhiro-san... Um... I... my name is Hasuka..."
"You're welcome, Hasuka. Please, just call me Kei," she said, with what was quite possibly the sweetest smile I've ever seen.
"Oh... Okay... Kei-chan... Um, your seat is right there."
"I hope we'll have a great year together." Kei smiled at me again as she took her seat. I gave a nervous laugh as I sat down, and noticed a few of my classmates were still chuckling. It's not like I do that all the time, honest! Throughout the rest of the morning period, Kei did a superb job of answering various questions the teachers asked, which resulted in the class being a little awestruck with her.
Spoiler for 1A:
Spoiler for 1B:
Spoiler for 1C:
During gym, the class was split in two for a game of dodge ball. I'm not going to pretend I'm good at sports, but this game in particular is one I've always had a lot of trouble with. I'm good enough at avoiding the ball, but my throws are generally terrible and I just don't like hitting other people anyway! Whatever team I'm on generally loses as a result... However...
"This is a first..." I couldn't help but state.
"Usually one of us is playing for the other team," Satomi added. "Kinda seems unfair, huh?"
This time, there was no way we'd lose! Unlike what you'd expect from a girl with glasses, Satomi's one of the most athletic girls you'll ever meet. Of course, she wasn't exactly wearing her glasses now... Anyway, Hiyori's aiming is impeccable. With both of them on the same side, the other team has no chance!
"Feel kinda sorry for them. Oh well, let's wrap this one up fast, Sacchin!"
As soon as we heard the whistle, the game was afoot. Our team got off to an amazing start, with Satomi eliminating two people almost immediately, and Hiyori landing a surprise hit soon after! It really did seem like there wouldn't be a problem...
"Huh? Who just..." Satomi said, taking the words right out of my mouth.
Despite our fast start, it seemed as though the other team had a secret weapon up their sleeves. A couple of our teammates went down one right after the other...
Thinking back, there was one person we hadn't considered... "I'm sorry, did that hurt? I didn't mean to throw it that hard..." The other team had someone we've never seen in action before. Kei proved to be someone we sorely underestimated, and at a steep cost! Pretty soon, our side dwindled to just three members...
"This is getting rough..." Satomi stated, seemingly knowing what I was thinking again.
"Who knew Hirotan was gonna be this tough?" Hiyori added. I'm guessing the nickname was based on Kei's family name.
Satomi and Hiyori were both highly capable of avoiding elimination, while also managing to take down opponents in the process. As for myself, I think the other team simply ignored the fact I was even here, as almost all their shots were aimed at someone else. However, Kei's next shot would be directed towards the obvious weak link on our team. As the ball was flying directly at my face, I completely panicked, and was unable to move out of the way...
Spoiler for 2A/A2A:
Spoiler for 2B/A2B:
Spoiler for 2C/A2C:
Satomi immediately aimed the ball directly at Kei's legs. It didn't hit its target though, as she nimbly jumped over the ball. However...
... Satomi was just a distraction! The real shot came from Hiyori, who hit Kei in the side with a surprise attack. While they'd switch roles depending on the situation, this was a tactic they always liked using when they're on the same team. Kei obviously had no way of knowing that, though, so she fell for their trap.
"I made a mistake... I'm sorry I couldn't live up to the trust you placed in me."
Kei's remaining teammates tried their hardest to cheer her up, and she gave them a smile in return. As for the game itself, it was over soon after Kei's elimination. With no one else of note standing in our way, we won... Even though I didn't really do much beyond collecting stray balls. After the game was over, Kei decided to address us in person.
"That was an impressive performance today... Shirakawa-san and Katsuyama-san, correct?"
"Ehehe... Really? We didn't do anything different than normal, right?"
"Nope, that’s just how we are. Glad ya liked it, though!"
"I'd like to think I learned something from this experience. Who knows? Maybe I'll be the winner next time." Kei said with a smile, before turning her attention to me. "As for you, Hasuka..."
Spoiler for 2A/A2A:
Spoiler for 2B/A2B or 2C/A2C:
After school, Satomi, Hiyori and I generally walk home together, or at least as far as we can without having to turn around. During this period, we generally have random conversations about the second half of school or our plans for the rest of the day or whatever else comes to mind. Today, the conversation was about something a bit unusual... Or so I thought at the time.
"The two of ya ever watch anime?" Hiyori inquired to us.
I don't think either of us really expected a question like it, as Satomi had given a puzzled look before responding, "Sometimes, I guess."
Not wanting to be left out, I chimed in, "Yeah, when I'm not busy."
"Ever watch anything of the magical girl variety?" Hiyori's question was unusually specific. "Like the one with the moon princess or the one with all the cards?"
"Maybe I'd watch if they involved flashy punches and kicks or fighting with real weapons. Twirling a staff or baton around... That's more suited for someone like Hasuka-chan."
"Eh? But I couldn't..." I started saying, before realizing what she meant. "I mean..."
"I meant watching that kind of show." A grin then appeared on Satomi's face. "Though, you would definitely look cute in one of those frilly pink outfits the protagonists always seem to get..."
"Hahahaha. Maybe we should buy one for ya, Hasukan. Then we can have fun taking all kinds of pictures."
"Ehhh?! But I don't..."
Did I just hear someone calling for help?
"D... do either of you hear that?" I asked, while looking around to find the source.
"Hear what? I can't hear anything. Hasukan... You know I'm just playing around, right? I don't really..."
'... Don't know... How much longer...'
"There it was again! Someone's calling for help!"
With a look of concern on her face, Satomi responded, "Hasuka-chan... Are you sure? We can't hear anything..."
"I'm positive! There's a voice somewhere calling for help!"
"Heh... Think it could be one of those magical girl familiars trying to recruit ya?" Hiyori grinned while asking that.
"You think so? That would explain why you..."
Hiyori spoke up before I could finish. "Ya really gotta learn to pick up on when I'm being serious or not."
'Help... Please... Come quickly...'
"... I hear it too... Hasuka's right." Satomi said, with a look of complete seriousness on her face.
"You see? I'm not the only one who hears it!"
"Are the two of ya trying to play a joke on me? I'll admit it's cute you'd try and stick up for Hasukan over this, but it isn't exactly funny..."
"It's coming from that way!"
"Ha-Hasuka-chan! Wait up!"
Without giving it another thought, I immediately ran in the direction I thought the voice was coming from. I didn't know for certain whether I was going the right way or not, but something inside was telling me I was right. After a bit of running through some woods, I saw something... Was that the source? It looked like a grey tabby cat was barely managing to avoid being struck by lightning... But the skies were perfectly clear, and it was too horizontal to be normal lightning! Someone or something had to be causing it!
'Is anyone there?! Please, help me!'
There was no turning back now, I had to do something! But... What could I do? There's no way I could stop a lightning bolt, so jumping in the line of fire wouldn't accomplish anything. If anything, it would only make things worse. So, not being able to think of anything else, I waited for an opening to dash in, grab the cat, and run! I'm not exactly proud of it, but one thing I'm good at is running away!
"... What is that girl doing?" I heard an oddly familiar voice say. I didn't pay much attention to it though, as I was more concerned with saving the cat in my arms!
"It's okay, I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Just hold on, we'll get out of this, I promise!"
Unfortunately, dodging around trees did little to deter what was definitely an attacker. If this kept up, we would surely get hit eventually! Suddenly, I heard the voice again.
'There's no time... Please, you have to lend me your strength!'
It was coming from the cat after all! Thinking now wasn't the time to react to the fact it was talking, I instead addressed what it said to me. "Lend you my strength?"
'You can stop this... You have magical powers within you, I know it! I can help you unlock them.'
Without any other option in mind, I agreed to it. Suddenly, I found myself being surrounded by a bright light...
To Be Continued...
At any rate, I hope someone enjoys what I've written. Though I'd imagine this simply getting buried under everything is far more likely. :p
It's certainly very well-written.
The lead character sounds great (both narration and dialogue-wise) for the lead character in a magical girl narrative.
Other major cast members have good, distinct personalities.
The overall complexity is rather impressive for an opening chapter.
My choices so far are A for Choice 1, and B for Choice 2. Both yielded pretty interesting results. I was genuinely surprised by the results of A for Choice 1.
Okay Shirogane, I've finally gone through it and it sort of feels like Madoka and Sailor Moon rolled into one, but none the less, something really original, unique, and really amazing.
Before I give you my final grade and judge you similar to "you know what", I'll going to break down and go deep into what you've done here. Please note: I'm still not confident with my words so bear with me here.
Like with PPPL I've got ClariS playing in the background So let's get started!
Great introduction to Hasuka because it immediately gives us the impression that she's your normal average middle schooler. I also liked how detailed and concise you were when you were describing her appearance and features, so hats off to you on that. The timing on the appearance of Ame seems to be one of the possible few stepping stones that will change Hasuka ordinary life.
Judging on the choices you've made:
Spoiler for A Novella Encounter:
Spoiler for Transfer Student Wavelengths:
With two chance encounters with added drama at school, it looks like the Wheels of Fate is turning for Hasuka. With the scenery turning a little ominous and cryptic voices coming into play here, it's safe to say that we're entering the point of no return for Hasuka and I can't wait to see where this goes.
Spoiler for Pros:
Spoiler for Cons:
Phew! It took some doing, but I hope you like what you'll see/read and I really enjoyed what you've written here. So until the next update whatever that may be, I definitely need to give my fingers a break. So until then dude, until then!:)
"W-what is this? Where are we?" I ask while looking around at the bright light surrounding me, in an attempt to figure out where I ended up.
'This place is a spiritual realm, located within your mind... When we're finished here, you will be returned to the exact place and time we departed.'
That voice... The cat is trying to talk to me again!
'Let's begin with an introduction... As my actual name would be hard for you to pronounce, you can call me... Kanemi.'
"Ka... Kanemi?" I ask, curious about the name.
'Yes... I'll explain later... Please, tell me your name.'
"My name is Hasuka Murasaki... I'm a second year student at..."
'That's good enough for now, Hasuka... We have more important matters. Specifically the fact we're currently under attack in the outside world...'
I laughed nervously at that reminder. Suddenly, the bright surroundings were replaced with a silvery sky. It also looked as though I was standing in, or maybe on, a large pool of shimmering water of the same hue as the sky above me, with no end in sight. In front of me was a small pedestal, with what looked to be a pendant floating just above it.
"What is this?" I asked, while walking towards the floating pendant. It looked like... A flower?
'In front of you is a representation of your deepest desires... Those desires will turn into magical power for you to wield. Take it in your hand or turn back now. Choose wisely, though... You can't turn back once you've taken it, and you may not get another chance if you don't.'
Looking at the flowery pendant, which was attached to a thin golden necklace, it seemed to have large pink petals that faded to white as they got closer to the center. Inside the petals was a golden gem of some sort.
'I didn't want to rush you, but our time here is running out... Please, make your decision now.'
Backing out now wouldn't help any, so that was out of the question. Despite Kanemi's claims, I didn't really have much of a choice. So, after giving a brief sigh, I reached out to wrap the fingers on my left hand around it. Soon after, I felt it start to shake in my grasp, and large vine-like objects burst from the unusually solid water beneath me! Panicking, I shout out, "W-what's happening?!" Instead of an answer, what I got was the vines wrapping themselves around me! "Ka-Kane... Huh?"
The next thing I knew, I was back in the woods. Did all that really happen? I could still feel Kanemi in my right arm, but in my left hand, it felt like... A staff? It had a white shaft almost the same height as me, with a large pink flower at the top, and had what appeared to be golden vines spiraling down to the bottom. It looked as though my sleeve was different, as well... It was a white color, and had a large, pink cuff with gold trim near my wrist. I didn't have much time to check out the rest of what I was wearing though, as there were still bolts of electricity flying through the air!
'You hold in your hand the power to make your dreams a reality... Envision a way to stop the attacker and it should happen!'
"Something to stop the attacker? I don't even know who that is!" As I said that, a girl who looked to be about my age appeared in front of us, bringing my running to a halt with an axe-like weapon pointed directly at me!
This girl had blonde hair flowing down her back, though I couldn't make out how long her hair was, and she had a black hairband in it. In addition, she was wearing an exquisite yellow-trimmed black dress that looked almost like a Victorian-era garment, with a skirt reaching down to her knees. Her legs, or at least what I could see of them, were covered by black stockings with what looked to be yellow diamonds on the sides, which met with a pair of metallic boots near her feet. On her shoulders was a piece of fabric split in the middle just below the neck, with each side extending to a point about halfway down her chest. It also seemed to be connected to what looked to be a black and yellow cape that reached her calves, only it was split in a way that oddly resembled long, thick wings. Her hands and much of her lower arms were covered in metal gauntlets, and held the axe-like weapon she was aiming at me. Between the unusually long points of this weapon was what looked like an electrical charge. Looking closer, it seemed more like a large beetle than an actual axe head, and the "points" were the front legs... But that wasn't as important as what she was doing with it!
"W-why are you aiming that at me?! What's going on? Who are you?"
After staring at me briefly with a piercing gaze, she began to speak in the same familiar voice I heard not too long ago. "If you really want to know the answers to those questions, then turn the creature you are holding over to me."
'Don't do it, Hasuka! She has no intention of sparing either one of us! I'll tell you everything you want to know as soon as we're away from her, I promise!'
What do I do? What do I do?! Just based on the surface, Kanemi is in need of help and this girl in front of me would clearly be an enemy... But I don't know either one well enough to really know if that's the case!
A: Ask the girl what's going on, then make a decision
B: Tell the girl you don't trust her, then get ready to fight.
Spoiler for 3A:
Spoiler for 3B:
"My codename is Lightning Bug. That's all you need to know."
"Li...ght...ning... Bug? I can't keep saying that! Is it okay if I just call you Raito?"
After giving me a strange glare, she spoke up once more. "Do as you wish... It won't matter much longer."
Seemingly not wanting to waste another breath, Raito immediately discharged the electricity from her weapon. Before I could even react, it hit the arm holding my staff, causing me to feel a sharp pain, followed by numbness. Without even thinking, I let go of Kanemi and grabbed at the point of impact. What did I get myself into?!
"Consider that your final warning. Give up now."
'Hasuka, do something! Tie her up, blow her away, anything!'
"Blow her away... Of course!" I then let go of my arm and grasped my staff with both hands. It shouldn't hurt her too much, but I'd imagine a strong gust of wind should be enough to at least take Raito off her feet long enough to figure something else out. The flower at the tip started spinning swiftly, causing the air around it to spiral around, while also making it shake in my hands.
The force of it pushed me back a bit, and almost made me lose my grip! What I wanted was just enough wind to knock her down, but what I got was... "A... Tornado?! I... I'm sorry!"
It certainly did its job, as the swirling pink flower petals carried Raito back quite a bit with them. I hope I didn't hurt her too badly...
'Im... Impressive... I didn't know you would be that powerful...'
While I was glad at least someone was pleased, it seemed Raito had already managed to recover and was charging straight for me. I don't think she was quite as thrilled as Kanemi at what happened...
During her charge, it almost looked as though Raito wasn't moving her legs. Is she... flying? Pretty soon, I found myself trying to push back her beetle-axe with my staff! I don't think it's made for that purpose, though...
"That was a once in a lifetime attack." Raito said to me in a rather angry tone. "You won't defeat me, just give up."
I could tell she wasn't planning on giving up herself, and I found it incredibly hard to just stay on my own feet. This girl... She's obviously stronger than I am, so I don't have much of a chance... My only hope is to somehow use her strength and momentum against her...
So, while she was still putting as much force as she could into trying to overpower me, I twisted my body to the side, while stepping back with one foot. Thankfully for me, that seemed to do the trick, as . Not wanting to pass up the opportunity, I quickly unleashed another pink spiral of flowers at Raito before she could turn around, causing her to crash into the ground... I'd like to think of it as a tactical advantage, rather than a cheap shot...
"Please! Stop this now!" I shouted to Raito. "If this continues, one of us is going to get hurt really badly!"
"Then give up. You clearly have no real desire to fight beyond protecting that creature. Just turn it over to me now and you won't have a reason to fight anymore."
It's true that I don't exactly want to fight... But I can't just turn my back on someone in need, regardless of who or what they are! "No! I said I was going to help Kanemi, so I will!"
Raito was getting ready to stand back up, which made me realize this wasn't really going anywhere... Desperately trying to think of something, I shouted, "Just... stay where you are!" while pounding the bottom portion of my staff against the ground. I'm not sure why I did that, but I couldn't think of anything else. Suddenly, what looked to be vines sprouted from the ground, wrapping themselves around Raito.
"... Did I just... Wha?!"
"Ng... Let me go!" Raito exclaimed, while struggling against the vines.
'Nice work, Hasuka! It'll be a while before she can get free, so let's take this chance to escape!'
I didn't exactly want to leave Raito like that... But I didn't want to fight her anymore, either! So, while it really hurt to leave her alone like this, I took Kanemi's advice and ran away... But not before shouting "I'm really sorry about this!" back to Raito.
'I'm sorry about bringing you into this without explaining the full situation.'
"It's okay," I said in response. "There's no telling what would have happened if I didn't help you when I did."
'I guess you're right... Also, there's something I didn't tell you before. Whatever you're wanting to say to me, just think it.'
Think it? Hm... Well, it does seem like Kanemi's voice isn't coming from her mouth... 'Like this? Is this what you mean?'
'Yes. One convenient benefit of the reconfiguration process is the ability to communicate with other magical beings without speech.'
'R-reconfiguration?! What does that mean?' I'm starting to like this less and less...
'Don't worry about it. It's nothing that serious. Your body is just now designed to absorb and manipulate magical energies. In all other aspects, you should still be human... I think...'
That... didn't sound very reassuring, but it's not like I can really change back. A flower that's already sprouted can't go back into its seed if it doesn't like the colors of its petals, after all... But something came to mind... 'Can I ask you something in particular?'
'That sounds fine. Sure, I'd be glad to answer your questions as thanks for helping me.
Choice Ka 1:
A: Ask about her name.
B: Ask about her home.
C: Ask about the attackers.
D: Ask about her abilities.
Spoiler for Ka 1A:
Spoiler for Ka 1B:
Spoiler for Ka 1C:
Spoiler for Ka 1D:
Looking ahead of us, it seemed Satomi and Hiyori were still trying to find me... Do I really run that fast? When I called out to them, Hiyori oddly jumped in front of Satomi, putting her arms out.
"I don't know what yer game is, but back off, okay? Sacchin's with me." I honestly can't recall seeing Hiyori this serious... It's almost funny in a way, actually.
"Hiyori... Doesn't she seem... Familiar?"
"Huh? What are you talking about?" I have no idea what's going on...
'I guess I forgot to mention that, as well... As part of the reconfiguration process, you've taken on a slightly different appearance. As a result, people close to you will think something is familiar, but they won't be able to fully recognize you.'
'But... Wouldn't what I'm...' I stopped after remembering my sleeve, and presumably the rest of what I was wearing, was different... I could tell my skirt was definitely longer than what my uniform has, as I could feel it when I was running. With Raito a safe distance away, I finally had a chance to really look at it, though.
The obvious difference was my skirt now reached down to my ankles, and was white, but slowly faded to a really pretty pink at the bottom, where it covered a pair of pink-and-gold shoes. Combined with the way it was folded, it almost looked like I was wearing a giant flower! I also had another much smaller pink skirt over that, which seemed to be part of a small dress that had large pink shoulders with a golden trim at the bottom. The ribbon my uniform normally has was replaced with a golden one, and it seemed as though the white sleeves were part of a white blouse with a folded-out collar.
'I doubt you can tell, but even physical features such as your hair color are different. Pink definitely suits you, by the way.'
"Just who are ya, anyway? We came here looking for a friend of ours, and yer the one we ran into. If you did anything to hurt her..."
"Hiyori-chan! It's me!" I shouted, hoping she'd at least recognize my voice. She lowered her arms, only to give me a rather angry look soon after.
"Ya almost had me... How do I know ya knew my name before Sacchin said it?"
It seems Hiyori's as sharp as always. I don't think I'll be able to get through to her that easily... While I'm sure Satomi would believe me, it'd probably be easier to just show them proof. So, I turned to the alien cat to the side of me. 'Kanemi... Isn't there a way to turn back? I think this would work better if I didn't look like some pretty pink princess...'
'Of course. If you want to change between your normal and magical forms, just focus your thoughts on being the other... To put it in terms someone of your planet would be familiar with, your magical powers are like a light switch, and your thoughts are what flips it off and on. Oh, and one last thing. While we should be a safe enough distance away, I must warn you that the vines holding our assailant will disappear once you've reverted.'
I wasn't exactly wanting to endanger my friends if I didn't have to, but I figured there was no other choice. Hiyori tends to be stubborn, and I don't think even Satomi would be able to talk her down in this state. So, I focused my mind intently on my student uniform... Soon after, my surroundings were replaced by a bright, pink light for a brief moment. When that died down, I found myself in my uniform again, with the flower pendant from earlier replacing the staff I had been holding. After putting the pendant around my neck, I looked at Hiyori, whose eyes were wide with shock. It actually looked as though she couldn't think of anything to say.
On the other hand, Satomi had a rather large grin on her face as she spoke up once again. "Oh wow, it really is you! Is this why you were all flustered when we were talking about magical girls?"
I rubbed at the back of my head while I gave a slight nervous laugh in response. "Um, no... this is kinda new to me, too. In fact, if I didn't run off when I did, I'd still be as normal as ever."
"Do you have some cool secret identity? Like Heal Lotus or something?!"
"Ehehe... I don't know about..."
"Ya know..." Hiyori chimed in, after having a chance to take everything in. "We could totally stick to the original idea of takin pictures of ya like that..."
"N-no thanks... I think I'll just stay like this until I need to change..."
Hiyori gave me a weird look, then started laughing soon after as she reached down to scratch Kanemi on the head. "So this little kitty here would be yer familiar, right?"
"Um... yeah, I guess..." I couldn't help but laugh nervously... This is all new to me, it's not like I know how to explain this sort of thing!
"Don't they generally talk though? C'mon, say 'Hiyori' or somethin!"
(If you asked about Kanemi's abilities, read Kanemi's Disguise. Otherwise, read Kanemi Explains It All)
Spoiler for Kanemi's Disguise:
Spoiler for Kanemi Explains It All:
I thought I heard Satomi say something, almost in response to what Kanemi said. Come to think of it, it did seem like she genuinely heard Kanemi earlier...
"Did you say something, Satomi? Something about ordinary..."
"Huh? Oh, it's nothing." She then laughed a bit before continuing. "Anyway, my brother's probably starting to wonder where I am, so I'm just going to go home. Hasuka, Hiyori, see you tomorrow."
And with that, Satomi turned and walked away. While she seemed happy enough, I thought I could sense a slight hint of... disappointment? Shortly after, I felt Hiyori's hand on my shoulder.
"Hey now, so yer the only magical girl who's got a plain alley cat as a sidekick. That's no reason to be all gloomy, right?"
"It's not that, it's just... Did Satomi seem upset to you?"
"... That obvious, huh?" Hiyori then smiled at me. "No idea what's goin on in her head right now, but don't worry. Sacchin'll be as cheery and excited as ever tomorrow, I promise."
"Yeah... You're probably right." I said, while smiling back at her. "But she did have a point... We really should get home."
We parted ways afterwards, with Kanemi following closely behind me. When I got home though, I had a bit of a problem. Due to the fact there's generally a lot of food items sitting out there at this time of day, I can't really bring a cat, or at least what looks like a cat, in through the front. Giving a bit of a sigh, I picked up Kanemi and entered through the back door. Hopefully it doesn't seem like I'm trying to hide something...
"I... I'm home!" I shout as I step inside. Soon after, I spot the person who saw me off in the morning; a third-year high school girl not too much taller than me, with a similar hair color to mine, though hers is a bit longer in the back. She currently has a bluish apron on over her school's black-and-white uniform. Beneath her brown eyes was a smile. Having noticed me, Sumire responded with a greeting of her own.
"Welcome home." She chuckled a bit before continuing. "I'm used to being greeted by my little sister, not greeting her. Did something happen?"
"Well, um... Sort of..." I look down to Kanemi, who seems to be content with sitting in my arms. "This cat seemed to be in a lot of trouble, and I kinda... Thought it would be best if I brought her home with me!" I then started laughing nervously. While what I said is somewhat true, I probably should have thought of something a bit better before coming in...
It seemed to be good enough for Sumire though, as she quickly moved to where I was standing and began petting Kanemi. To her credit, Kanemi seemed unusually skilled at playing the role of stray cat, as she made a purring sound while her back was stroked.
Of course, she didn't have to keep up the act for very long, as someone else decided to make his presence known by calling out, "Is something wrong?" The man who the voice belonged to is wearing a green apron over a white t-shirt and khaki pants. He has short, dark hair and a bit of stubble on his chin. Pretty much what you'd expect from my dad, I guess.
"Not at all," Sumire responded cheerfully. "Hasuka just came home."
"Is that so..." He stared directly at me for a moment, then his gaze lowered to Kanemi. "It looks like she brought a friend home with her. I assume you have an explanation?"
"Well..." I began nervously. I didn't want to lie to him, but the truth is a little hard to believe...
A: "Leaving this cat where she was would've been too cruel!"
B: "This cat is actually an alien! I saved her from someone trying to hurt her!"
C: "... Would you believe I'm a magical girl and this cat is responsible for that?"
Spoiler for 4A:
Spoiler for 4B:
Spoiler for 4C:
At any rate, I did as I was asked and brought Kanemi to my room.
'Your family is nice. Growing up in an environment like this, I can see why you'd be so kind.'
'Thank you, and I'm sure they'd like to hear that, too.' I 'said' with a smile, before quickly adding something to my message. 'But as long as you're here, I'd like you to think of us as your family, too... Um, if that's okay with you, that is.'
'I think that we had better make sure your mother is also fond of me first. Of course, if she's anything like you or your sister, I'd imagine she... Hasuka? Is something wrong?'
I gave a brief sigh when Kanemi brought that up, then started to pet her. 'That won't be an issue. It's just been the three of us for a few years...'
'Oh... I didn't know that...'
[i]'Don't worry about it. Dad had to quit his old job for something a little more "at home" because of it, but we've been doing all right. My sister has actually become really great at cooking, and a friend of hers often comes by to help out. I haven't quite figured out anything in particular that I can do to pitch in, so I mainly just help out wherever I can.'
'By the way... I've been smelling something sweet ever since we got here, Hasuka. Would you know what that is?'
I laughed at that. Of course, that earned me a weird look, so I had to explain. 'While this is our home, it's also a bakery. That's actually why I have to keep you in my room. Do you want a bite?'
Not much else of note happened that evening, so eventually I went to bed, with Kanemi oddly deciding to rest her head against one of my feet as though it were a pillow. It seemed she was worn out, as she fell asleep almost immediately.
To be continued...
What's this? An actual update? It only took seven months. :uhoh:
Anyway... to whatever readers are out there, I hope this was worth the overly long wait.
Also... sorry, Kirito, but I just couldn't think of a way to believably fit Ame into this one. Don't worry, in seven more months the next update, she'll be back again. :heh:
Yo!~, it's great to see you back with another great update, Kogetsu. Like Triple R finally returning to do the Mami romance scenarios again, it's great to see something new from you in half a year since your last write up. Like I promised I'm set and ready to get you my fully review. I got ClariS playing on my Itunes and I'm ready to go.
Right where we left. The ominous voice and the turning point that'll end the "normal" life aspect of Hasuka's.. So now we're psychically introduced to the Magical Girl animal mascot character Kanemi, a cat like creature with long ears... hmmm, nah. Anyway, I really liked the way you went about the scene where Hasuka was given the choice to accept the power that's in front of her or turn back and pretend nothing had happened. The dialogue and the way it was written was truly astounding, and added the right tone and impact to make it more enjoyable to read and know about. The short pedestal and the short floating pendant sort of reminded me of Legend of Zelda and the Master Sword, weird huh.
The way you described the dress was well written and it gives you a sense of how it looks and how it suits Hasuka in terms of appearance and its functionality. The staff thing is sort of expected since it's a staple weapon for Magical Girls ie. Cardcaptors Sakura. Great work for being creative with something so simplistic and expected, and it'd feel weird for Hasuka's character to wield a gun or a sword.
The appearance of Lightning Bug or "Raito" as Hasuka puts it sort of reminded me about how Homura was trying to eliminate a said creature with long ears and white skin etc. The description of the clothing regarding the headband, the yellow trimmed dress, black and yellow cape sort of forced me to think of Mami, Sayaka, Homura, Kyoko, and Madoka's dresses being mixed in with the design, but with a unique on it. Well detailed on that part so that's good, plus the way she looks and sounds really interesting since it seems that her logic for hunting down Kanemi seems to be out of revenge and a warning similar to you know what with time manipulation abilities.
Judging by the choice and the situation that presented itself:
Spoiler for Lightning Strikes in the Same Place.:
Now to the fight scene.
Hasuka first fight as a Magical Girl was interesting to read and quite enjoyable too, I might add. It seems that despite the troubles she had during it, it seems that she has incredible power to blow back or hurt someone who's more experienced at combat than her. At least the way the fight scene for a first timer was described really well so great job on that.
So now to the choices regarding Kanemi.
Spoiler for The Novella Mascot:
So we're the point where the secret couldn't be kept from Hasuka's two other friends. I wonder if you possibly did that intentional with the thought of adding them as potential allies or just for moral support. Or just remain awkwardly oblivious to Hasuka's situation. It was really amusing seeing Hasuka trying to get Hiyori to recognize her and getting out of Mahou Shoujo mode, and also not being able to see through Kanemi's disguise.
Nice surprise to finally to feature Hasuka's family - A father and older sister it seems. I totally loved the interactions with the family regarding Hasuka bringing home Kanemi, and the choices given.
Spoiler for Novella family:
With meeting Kanemi, entering a new world, getting into a fight, and not knowing what's going to happen next, Hasuka is definitely at the point of no return and can't turn back even if she has second thoughts about it. We're finally at another turning and I can't wait to see where this will go.
Spoiler for Pros:
Spoiler for Cons:
No Ame, huh. That sucks but you better make it up to me next update. I look forward to see what role she'll have in the story than just being a simple ordinary girl. Plus, I want to know more about that transfer student who "tested" Hasuka during the volley ball match.
Well that's all for now. I enjoyed this update and take your time with the next one, which I definitely look forward too. Like Triple R with PPPL, you now have a loyal reviewer and fan. Like Triple R, I enjoy your work and I wish to see more soon. So remember to take your time, I'll be waiting patiently with anticipation of the next update! You rock dude, seriously!:)
I'm going to put my fingers to rest now. So until then dude, until then!:)
Your "branches" aren't branching. They're like when you talk to an NPC in an RPG and no matter what you say he attacks you. But Thou Must is in full effect here.
Maybe this will change in the future, but there's not much in the way of actual decision in any form other than purely cosmetic.
Yuri is a plus, though. :heh: I might keep reading based on that alone, though in my old age my patience for the magical girl genre is about totally exhausted.
Wow, a whole VN?? Good luck man, those take serious dedication.
Excellent job on character designs, the first meeting between the opposing magical girls, and the fight itself. Very good dialogue in general. Good pacing - The writing is nicely detailed, and doesn't feel rushed, but nothing feels dragged out either.
For your choices, I actually liked what you did with Choice 4. It reminds me of dialogue choices in Mass Effect. As long as you compliment those with real branching choices it should be all good.
My suggestion is that it might be nice if your next update includes a branching point with some background lasting consequences (think of how, in PPPL, I gave Madoka the option to tell Sayaka and Hitomi about her dreams) and/or that results in Hasuka spending more time with one girl or another (i.e. one choice means Hasuka spends a scene with Satomi, a different choice means she spends a scene with a different girl).
Overall, this is very nice work so far. Good blending of a lot of different magical girl concepts, characters, and character types. It feels reasonably fresh yet also oddly comfortingly familiar.
As I hold the staff in my hands tightly, I watch the flower on it twirl like a top as it unleashes a hurricane of petals against the metallic, bee-like figure in front of me. To my horror, the flowery spiral has no effect at all, and I suddenly find myself being pinned down! I hear someone screaming out in terror, but I can't make out whose voice it is or what they're saying. Just as I thought it was over for me... I woke up.
'Hasuka? Is everything okay?'
(If C was one of your choices for Choice Ka 1, read Bugged by a Nightmare. Otherwise, read Unpleasant Dreams)
Spoiler for Bugged by a Nightmare:
Spoiler for Unpleasant Dreams:
After eating breakfast, I went back to my room to grab my bag, and told Kanemi to wait at home while I went to school. I figured that Raito most likely wouldn't try attacking while Dad was around, given the fact she really didn't seem too keen on bringing bystanders into things, but the simple fact pets aren't allowed at school is what I told Kanemi.
(If you chose either B or C for Choice 4, read the following section. Otherwise, skip it.)
Spoiler for Special Cat?:
At any rate, on my way to school, I encountered a certain someone again, at about the same place she ran into me the previous day.
"Ame-chan, good morning!" I shouted to her.
(If you chose A for Choice 1, read Lonely Librarian. If you chose B, read Sunny Shimotsuki. If you chose C, read Distant Dreamer.)
Spoiler for Lonely Librarian:
Spoiler for Sunny Shimotsuki:
Spoiler for Distant Dreamer:
After that, we started walking together. Soon after, Ame spoke up again, and with a more serious tone than I was used to from her.
"There's one other thing I'd like to ask." That actually surprised me a little, but I nodded for her to continue. "Could you come by the school's library at lunch? B-by yourself, I mean."
"Well..." Looking into Ame's eyes, it seemed this was something important to her. Of course, I'd have to abandon my usual plans. I'm not sure how well that would go over...
A: Agree to it.
B: Turn her down nicely.
Spoiler for 5A:
Spoiler for 5B:
It's not like I really had much time to think about her reaction, as we reached the point where I usually meet up with Satomi and Hiyori not too long after.
"Hasuka-chan! Good morning!" Before I could respond, Satomi had already ran to where the two of us were standing. "I'm sorry about yesterday. I didn't want to just up and leave like that, honest!" It seems Hiyori was right. I guess I was worried over nothing, then.
"That's all ya got for Hasukan? Funny... Ya spent half the ni-"
"Looks like you aren't alone." Satomi interjected, before turning her attention to Ame with a grin on her face. "Hi there! You run into Hasuka-chan today?"
"Um, no... I... "
(If you chose A for Choice 1, read Hiyori's Intuition. Otherwise, read Satomi's Observation.)
Spoiler for Hiyori's Intuition:
Spoiler for Satomi's Observation:
"You're such a little cutie, I think I may have to do something about you..." Satomi then gave Ame a mischievous grin before darting around me to try and grab her. To her credit, Ame was doing a good job of keeping me between her and Satomi, but I don't think she's having much fun. I really can't imagine her keeping it up much longer, either...
... I'm starting to get dizzy from this blue tornado that's surrounding me...
A: Try to get away in order to get a better grasp of the situation.
B: Try to stay between them as best as possible.
C: Try to stop Satomi from chasing Ame.
Spoiler for 6A:
Spoiler for 6B:
Spoiler for 6C:
Soon after, Satomi and Hiyori caught up to me, and after giving them a basic idea of what happened, the three of us headed to class.
(If you picked A for Choice 5, read A Date in the Library. Otherwise, read Not So Usual Scenery.)
Spoiler for A Date in the Library:
Spoiler for Not So Usual Scenery:
Not much else of note happened that day. The afternoon classes were more or less the same as always, and my walk home with Satomi and Hiyori thankfully didn't include any random attacks like yesterday.
Due to it being so close to the weekend, Satomi followed me instead of going to her own home. When we got there, we pretty much headed directly to my room...
(If you picked A for Choice 5, read the following paragraph. Otherwise, skip over it.)
Spoiler for Rainy Forecast:
"So... How are things with Kanemi?" Satomi asked rather suddenly. "I'll be honest, I'm a little surprised you were able to keep her here."
"I didn't say everything, of course! But... What I did say seemed to be okay." I chuckled a bit. "Dad even said something about a cat he used to have."
"Oh yeah? Well, as long as things are okay I guess it's fine." Satomi sighed while scratching Kanemi's chin. "... Bit of a shame I can't help you out, though."
"Yeah... But I know you'd do anything you could if you were able to."
After a while, Satomi's older brother Souta, who had arrived with Sumire at some point, knocked on my door for Satomi. After Satomi and her brother left, I helped out with the bakery, and later went to sleep, wanting to be well-rested for my day with a certain blue-haired girl...
~Episode 1 End~
Heh, only two months between updates? That's gotta be a record for me. Next Episode is going to be fun...
Lastly, I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to anyone on their comments. I'll get to that as soon as I can. I will say thanks for the advice I had gotten, though. :heh:
Just found this. This is great stuff with the VN "choose your path" aspects. I'm curious about your process. Are you plotting this on a huge board? Did you work out an outline and the whole arc paths? Or is it more organic, you're developing the arcs as you move along?
Anyway, off to read the effort.
Very impressive work, Kogetsu.
The narrative and its characters feel very vibrant, colorful, and lively. It's easy to imagine it in anime format.
The complexity and intricacy of the choice options is also very nice.
Hasuka's character is nicely rounding into shape, and I think she benefits from Ame's presence in the narrative. With Ame there, Hasuka seems less like an extreme outlier when it comes to being shy and soft-spoken since Ame is even more shy and soft-spoken than she is. That's a good way to make Hasuka's characterization seem believable and vaguely "normal" while also having her fit well the magical girl archetype.
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