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-   -   JudasMartel's pretty ambitious Shoujo Basket Project (http://forums.animesuki.com/showthread.php?t=117476)

judasmartel 2013-01-20 07:52

JudasMartel's pretty ambitious Shoujo Basket Project
 
Hi everyone!

I have finally decided to post my first chapter of this pretty ambitious Shoujo Basket Project by me, Judas Martel.

Updates:

- Improved Chapter 1.
- Updated the hero team, but I will have to "confirm it with the experts" first before posting.

Spoiler for Game 01 - Sakura Minamimoto:

judasmartel 2013-01-20 23:44

Slightly updated Chapter 1 with a "profile pic" of sorts. As stated in the disclaimer, the pictures I'm going to post here only represent the real thing. That's because I suck at drawing, but I can write a story just fine I think.

If anyone wishes to draw images for this project, you are very much welcome.

I hereby credit all the pictures you see here to its respective owners.

Anyways, without much further ado, let's get started with Chapter 2 before I lose interest in this thing.

Spoiler for Game 02 - Friendship:

Vexx 2013-01-22 17:27

The first chapter read rather awkwardly, more like a documentary, very stiff. The second chapter was much better, more natural feeling prose and dialog.

I had some trouble keeping track of who was saying what. Some descriptive text of what the person speaking is doing is a natural way to handle that (and yeah, I know walls of uncredited dialog are typical in eastern light novels but I tend to use the Spice&Wolf light novel as my go-to example). For western readers at least, I think this helps and creates more of a visual atmosphere for the reader.

Example: (this also shows how I wasn't quite sure who was saying what and put ?--? on names)
Quote:

After several minutes of falling in line, Hazuki and Kotori seated themselves in front of Sakura in a table near the windows at the farther end of the cafeteria.

"Haah, finally. Ah, Sakura, can you show us your lunch for today?" ?Hazuki? peered over expectantly at Sakura's boxed lunch.

"Whatever it is, it sure is very delicious. Sakura-chan cooked it herself after all," nodded ?Kotori? enthusiastically.

"Yeah, since Mom hasn't come home yet. But anyways, here it is." Sakura opened her box hesitantly, embarrassed at the attention.

"Ah, a complete obento set! Wow! Did you make all of this yourself, Sakura-chan?"
Heh, I like your use of temporary illustrations. I've fallen out of using illustrations lately because its such a pain to implement them in the forum editing tools. I can't just drag and drop like I can in word processing software.

blah blah. This may not be the way it looked at all to you while writing it so I was just improvising. I just try to think of how a scene would be filmed and describe what is going on to someone blind that can only hear the words.

What is happening to me is that I'll go back and keep rewriting earlier chapters of my stuff because they make me cringe when I read my more recent stuff. I remember reading how Tolkien wrote Lord of the Rings. He must have rewritten the book a dozen times over, tuning and tweaking.

judasmartel 2013-01-22 20:12

Thanks for the review.

I actually thought I messed up a bit. It was a bit of a drag, really.

I saw uncredited dialog in works of our local writers, and kind of I liked it so I adapted it into my writing style.

judasmartel 2013-01-26 04:28

Chapter 3 is out!~

Spoiler for Horio Hazuki:

Spoiler for Game 03 - The New Transfer Student:


Spoiler for Kotori Konno:

judasmartel 2013-01-28 07:09

Some images to see while I write Chapter 4.

Dynamic tag cannot be rendered. (PrintableThread)

judasmartel 2013-01-31 09:40

Chapter 4 is out!~

Spoiler for Game 04 - The Fateful Encounter:

Vexx 2013-02-02 00:45

The only "authoring" comment I have is you might check for tense. You're writing in an immediate present tense mode (past tense for flashbacks) and a few times you flip tenses within a single fragment.

Example

Quote:

He comes out of his hiding spot when he sees Ryoko is already far away and followed her to the open court.
"and follows her".

Also, that sentence is complicated enough you might want to split it.

"... already far away. He follows her ..."

Just depends on the reading style you want. If a lot of sentences are short and clipped, a long sentence sticks out oddly. (says the guy who has huge multi-part sentences ;) )

judasmartel 2013-02-06 22:05

Spoiler for Special 01 - The Balance Between Realistic and Interesting In Sports Stories:

Vexx 2013-02-06 23:23

It sounds to me like you've worked out the balancing act to maximize your audience. Writing the game as if you're announcing it keeps it exciting for people who know the game and can visualize the court positions and such. Interspersing that with the personality descriptions and moments of *perception* (like the vanishing or amazing shot) helps those of us clueless about the sport interested in how the characters are reacting to events around them.

judasmartel 2013-02-06 23:28

H-huh? But how? I haven't written any game chapters yet. I'm just about to write one! What do you mean?

And besides, I realized it's hard to come up with awesome moves for bigman players (Power Forwards and Center) except for the dunks and some trick shots, but dunks are rarely pulled off in the women's game. It probably didn't help that the pro game nowadays has become perimeter-oriented (the Jordan-era Chicago Bulls and the modern-day Miami Heat proved that an NBA championship is possible without a true Point Guard and Center, respectively) rather than bigman-oriented (before Jordan's rise to fame it was impossible to win a championship without a true Center).

Thus, the proliferation of Guard MC's in basketball stories. Another reason for this is that Guards are the closest in height to an average person, inspiring any everyman reader to try and become good at the sport despite not being physically gifted.

Vexx 2013-02-06 23:47

Heh. I was talking about your spoiler chat - I think you pretty much answered your own questions satisfactorily in it.

You can avoid "physics-defying" actuality by focusing on the *perceptions* of the players. Like you said, one doesn't actually vanish, they simply go off the radar of anyone watching.

judasmartel 2013-02-08 10:35

Chapter 5 is out!~

Spoiler for Game 05 - Will You Play With Us?:


I apologize for the lack of appropriate pictures for this chapter.

Also, I'm having trouble inserting Yuuji into this part of the story. I was about to place him here, but his expected entrance seems to be quite awkward no matter what I do. In other words, Plot Hole.

judasmartel 2013-02-08 10:58

Chapter 5 is out!~

Spoiler for Game 05 - Will You Play With Us?:


I apologize for the lack of appropriate pictures for this chapter.

Also, I'm having trouble inserting Yuuji into this part of the story. I was about to place him here, but his expected entrance seems to be quite awkward no matter what I do. In other words, Plot Hole.

judasmartel 2013-11-16 19:39

Spoiler for comment:


Character suggestions are now open. Thanks.

judasmartel 2013-12-29 04:04

Say, which one is a better way to show the hero team losing to say, the best team in the league?

Situation: #10 player (starting PF) has a "heart problem" (if you know what I mean) so the coach elected not to let her play. So they're stuck with the MC (player #12) as the starting C while player #9 (starting C) has to play the PF spot.

In-game, Hero Team loses Team Captain (#4) and Super Rookie (#13) to injuries. Captain had a recurring injury (kinda like Tezuka's arm injury, except that hers was on her leg), while Super Rookie slammed her head in an attempt to save the ball.

Kinda depressing, right? But everyone stepped up and the hero team led by the end of the first half. Then the Opponent Team showed everyone why they are the #1 team in the league. Hero Team tried to win it in the final seconds but came up short.

*BGM: "Black Paper Moon" (Soul Eater 2nd OP)*

a. Hero Team rallies from down 10+ points, only to lose in the end.
b. Opponent Team overcomes a 10+ point lead to beat the hero team.
c. Back-and-forth game until the Hero Team drops.
d. Anything else?

Thanks in advance.

Vexx 2013-12-30 01:24

I'm going to submit my opinion as (a). That just seems the most realistic and least depressing. Making a push, coming back, but just missing by the buzzer. Plus if you're going to have the Opponents acknowledge how close the Heroes came to winning (whether they're jackasses or honorable about it) - that seems to give the most potential for story dynamics to me.

judasmartel 2014-01-11 23:16

I'm leaning towards (a) as well, especially because the more awesome thing about this match is that the Hero Team came back from double-digits TWICE in that game alone, but still lost.

judasmartel 2014-06-02 23:12

Hmm, I'm considering changing the setting from high school to middle school because HS girls seem to be closer to their full height than their middle school counterparts.

I guess the reason why Slam Dunk and KnB has HS boys for players is that boys usually stop growing later.

I was thinking that if I use middle schoolers, I can safely write moe characters without the readers feeling "too much lolicon" (GS, see Ro-Kyu-Bu!) or "they're no longer moe because they're too tall." (HS).

Of course, it's not yet final, because I'm still doing some research about average heights for Asian/Japanese girls ages 12-14 and the usual scores in middle school basketball. Still, I want to create a run-and-gun offense-type Hero Team with the MC being a tall defense-type Center player.

Just in case you're interested, here are some of the final scores I came up with:

10 minute quarters, FIBA International Rules

Hero Team (W-L 7-2)
vs Boys Team - W 64-62 (rest assured, this is just a fluke since the story will end right away if the Hero Team /meh)

vs Rival Team - L 41-98 (this comes right after the Boys Team Match, so the Hero Team wasn't able to play at full strength)

vs Bigs Team - W 63-59

vs Small Ball Team - W 85-71

vs Top Defensive Team - W 60-58 (with the MC successfully blocking the potential game-winning shot by the ace player of the other team in the final seconds)

vs Top Offensive Team - L 77-79 (this is the game I said about; Hero Team got really short-handed because the starting PF was too heartbroken to play while the Super Rookie hit her head in the floor trying to save the ball. But Captain plays big in the 4th quarter while still nursing the ankle injury but misses the game-winning three-point shot)

vs Finalist Team - W 88-62 (Starting PF comes back big here)

vs Rival Team - W 81-77 (Payback Time!)

What do you think?


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