[felix]

Never waste a lie when the truth will do.

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts.

A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl's complexion seem what it ain't.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.

A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.

Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.

Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

Be naughty - save santa the trip.

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.

Better late than really late.

Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.

Carpenter's rule: cut to fit; beat into place.

Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Don't believe everything you think.

Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.

Don't let yesterday take up to much of today.

Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.

Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.

Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.

Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Earth first! (We'll strip-mine the other planets later).

Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.

Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.

Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.

Every solution breeds new problems.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Examine what is said, not who speaks.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.

Failure is not an option - it's a lifestyle.

Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.

Failure teaches success.

First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.

For good, return good. For evil, return justice.

Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.

Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.

Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.

Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.

Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand.

Hey! It compiles! Ship it!

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I have a strong will but a weak won't.

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.

I only drink to make other people more sociable.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.

If I look confused it's because I'm thinking.

If a man tells a woman she's beautiful she'll overlook most of his other lies.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0

If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If we don't protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.

Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

Most people don't act stupid - it's the real thing.

Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.

Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.

Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.

No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.

Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It's better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt.

Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

Optimist: Someone without much experience.

Quando omni flunkus moritati - when all else fails, play dead.

Send lawyers, guns and money!

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Software isn't released, it's allowed to escape.

Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.

The future will be better tomorrow.

The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.

The problem with the future is it turns into the present.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don't.

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Trying is failing with honors.

Vidi, vici, veni. I saw, I conquered, I came.

Wasting time is an important part of living.

What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.

When you have nothing to say, say nothing.

Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?

Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.

Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.

You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same.

You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.