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Old 2008-03-05, 21:54   Link #2021
Satashi
Vividly Vivio
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Over there
Age: 40
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Junkedcat View Post
I felt so good after my midterm i decided to put out another section...
Spoiler for Landscaper!Fate:
Kyaaaaa~ *flails* This made my day! Thanks for the update!

I like the first/third person POV you have going on. How it's following Fate and her thoughts but is still third person. Nanoha being called "Princess" as a title instead of just by Fate made me smile. It's interesting.

One thing, a few commas may help out.

Quote:
Princess didn’t seem to get the “interest” Fate had implied leading to a fumble.
the "leading to a fumble" had me a little lost and

Quote:
‘Landscaper asshole’
Yes, Fate is indeed an landscaper and an asshole. But I think "Landscaper, Asshole" would be better implied she was talking to him. the capital "A" in "asshole" refers it as a title instead of an adj.

Fate seems to be sexually frustrated. From all her comments and actions, I wouldn't be surprised if she was in the porno business to make ends meet But she actively thinks bad about everyone, leading me to believe she really does need to get laid, or at least get herself off in an elegant manner.

Princess's father doesn't like Fate :3 That will be great later.

But Nanoha admitted to sneaking out. Now I'm looking forward to Nanoha sneaking out in hopes to see Fate again.

It seems as if Nanoha in this story is really quiet, which I like. But she also seems to be drawn to danger. Perhaps she secretly ( not even herself knowing) wants Fate to advance on her?

I look forward to the next part!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimmy C View Post
Junkedcat, several typos and wrong word choices.
Come on Jimmy a little more detail and advice would help ^^ could you point out a few and offer some better word choices?

Edit: I claim this page in the name of Landscaping!Fate
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