[yuiseppe]

Originally Posted by Satashi

PornStar!Vivio 7

Added a lot, changed a lot, now beta'd (Thanks DezoPenguin) and proofread. almost 10,000 word chapter this time . Enjoy~

Commenting as I read here, hopefully won't clash with JimmyC's comments:

The front was a clean-looking white stone with dark tinted windows above perfectly trimmed bushes that circled the building.

Do you mean there's literally a white stone just sitting there? Or a white stone wall?

The insides were just as nice

MY insides could do with a bit of detox... I think 'insideS' is generally used to describe anatomy, whereas the interior of a building is usually referred to as well, 'the interior'. Also works if you rephrase it as 'it was just as nice inside'.

but was near the back currently

But was currently near the back [of the x]. I think the sentence could do with a noun - I'm having difficulty picturing the interior of the building without more guidance than the sliding doors and well-kept walls.

I also avoid putting adverbs at the end of the sentence where the verb it modifies isn't the last word. But that's just something that's been hammered into by my law prof; I merely assumed it was another 'rule' or 'guideline'.

I *assume* we're walking along here, since that's what 'from the very [entrance] to the y' tends to imply i.e. that our attention is being drawn along from the entrance (the start) to the desk (the end). Yes I am aware that the sentence structure could also simply refer to a list of things, not necessarily in any particular order, but I think in this instance, it is more effective for giving us the setting of this scene to indicate some kind of direction or movement.

"That's... A lot at once."

The capital 'A' looks strange to me because it's really just the continuation of the same sentence. In fact I'm more used to seeing a lowercase letter after an ellipsis than anything else.

"Going big time now; you're not going to forget about us little people are you?"

A dash seems more befitting here in place of the semi-colon, methinks.

"The only thing little about you is your performance parts."

I'm confusing myself with plurals here: things, are, parts vs thing, is, part? Or was this deliberate as part of the way Vi speaks?

thanking her lucky stars that the people in the store weren’t paying her any mind.

Any heed instead of any mind?

Rick: chuckles Thank you.

Hmm...do English magazines usually put the actions in parentheses?



...and I think I've used up my proofreading quota for the night Didn't see anything else, but I started reading the story instead of the sentences.