[Samari]

I was asked by a member of this forum recently about the events that have unfolded over the past three weeks since I haven't posted here in a while. And since things have happened since my last post...some good and some bad...I decided to again receive opinions from the community on this forum, whether they be positive or negative. One of the main reasons I've decided to share more information again is also because there is something specific I'd like to receive insight about. Something I'm feeling. I was reluctant to mention it previously because I was ashamed, but I sense that I need to let the truth be known sooner or later to someone. But I'll get to that near the end in this post.

I'll start by saying my girlfriend comes back today. I'm going to pick her up in about ten hours from the airport. I've missed her a lot and I'm very happy she's coming back. These last 21 days have been harder to endure than last summer when she was gone for three entire months. I think I may have mentioned that last time. A summer ago, I was living on an desolated island near the city where it was very quiet, and me and my girlfriend weren't living together at the time. Not to mention it had only been a few months since we got together. We were still in the beginning phases in my opinion. Fast forward a year later, we have more experience being together, have gone through some ups and downs, big decisions, and we live together. When she went away for three weeks, I thought things would be pretty straight forward with her being gone. But I was incorrect. Living near the apex of San Francisco's downtown area, I found myself surrounded by constant distractions, couples and groups interacting casually and of course romantically, and I couldn't get away from it if I wanted to. For the first time in a long while...since before I hooked up with my girlfriend...I felt lonely. I don't have an issue being alone...but even I as patient and head strong as I like to believe I am, succumb to the notion of experiencing loneliness, which sometimes is bothersome. I don't want to seem "needy" and or "clingy". I really don't.

The last time I made a post, I mentioned an escapade with a bartender at a local bar two blocks from my house that I decided to explore one night with a friend. After going there quite a few times and getting a little tipsy a few occasions with one other bartender, we ended up kissing...twice. Not passionate, just pecks on the lips...still, the next day I felt the burden and guilt of acting inappropriately. But alas, I've made amends with experience at the bar and crawled out of my infatuation with one of the employees. Last Tuesday I had a harsh reality check after closing hours. And I think that is what set me straight. The details of the situation aren't really that important, but if anyone truly wants to know, I suppose I wouldn't mind elaborating via PM.

When I thought I was truly on the path back to nobility...I was wrong...again. In the past three weeks I've made some friends. I was at Borders one day, the first week my girlfriend was gone I believe. I sat down in the cafe area and started drawing. I forget what I was drawing, but at the same table there were two girls that started talking to me, asking me if I attend AAU, which I replied that I did. Turns out they did as well. Not surprising given the number of students and the nearby AAU buildings in that part of town. Anyways, I met their third friend and we all hit it off really well. I was having a good conversation with one in particular. We'll call her Macy. So me and Macy started talking and eventually ended up on the top floor in Borders looking at some art books. The top floor is usually dead and barely anyone goes up there. But this is where things started to go...bad...as far as my character is concerned. I'll be honest, I was flirting. I found Macy attractive and enticing. I recall looking in her eyes and really putting my game on. She was quite receptive...I think she started blushing as well. My phone was actually ringing at the time we were alone talking. I found out later it was my girlfriend calling from Macau via Skype to see how I was doing. When I found that out...man...I felt...like a true bad guy for the first time in maybe my life. But it gets worse.

I didn't see my new "friends" again until this last week. It was at another cafe and ran into one of the friends I met the first time coincidentally. We were drawing for a bit and she gets a phone call. Turns out it's Macy's birthday that night and she was having a get-together with some friends. This was all last Wednesday. So we go and I see Macy again. Make even some more new friends. And well end up going back to my house and play this funny card game. It was quite entertaining. So, I thought that was the end of that.

Two days later I get a text message from Macy asking how my day was and if I want to hang out later. I told couldn't Friday, but Saturday I could hang out. I text her back the next day and ask if she wants to hang out that night. And we end up hanging out that Saturday night. We meet up at Borders, then I take her to this fancy hotel in Union Square and we ride the elevator where you can see a good amount of the city. I usually take people there if they've never been. Seems like Macy is quite the explorer. We end up going to the 31st floor, sit on the carpet and talk for a while...then we take the stairs all the way down, get lost, and finally get out of the hotel. It was quite fun. Then we're both a little hungry so I decide to take her to this hamburger place by my house that stays open late. This is also another location I take people that have never been...because it's one of my personal favorites, in terms of food that is. So we have a good time. By this time, it's 1am...and we've finished eating. And also by this time...well...to put it mildly, I became the villain. We were talking about watching a movie...perhaps back at my house. Macy thinks about it, but decides it's probably not a good idea because I have a girlfriend (I told them all I had a girlfriend when I first met them). And Macy was right.

Now this is the part where I would probably tell most folks that I walked her home and that was that. But that isn't what happened exactly. We walked home...and by this time we were hitting it off quite well. I could tell she was into me easily. It was the first time I was reminded of my first date with my current girlfriend. There was something majestic about the entire ordeal. So we get closer to her place and once we get to the door entrance...we actually end up talking for another 45 minutes outside...playfully. There were even a couple of moments where I tried to convince her to come and perhaps think about watching the movie. But she held her ground...in the nicest and sweetest way of course. And in retrospect I'm thankful that one of us was doing the right thing that night. In any case, when we finally decided to part ways...we both got quiet and close. I embraced her, and held her by the hips. I looked into her eyes and she looked into mine. She was silent as I was I for a moment or two. I wanted to kiss her. I really did. But whatever spirit I had left, whatever good faith that I thought was still embedded within my heart...decided to take center stage and made me do the right thing. I simply hugged her and told her goodnight. And she did the same. And that was that.

As I type this...I'm realizing the truth that I may have developed feelings for someone else. I'm hoping...I'm really hoping that it's just another infatuation. But this time...it was really strong. It wasn't like that incident at the bar or any of that mantra. This girl Macy...I really enjoyed the time I spent with her Saturday. If things different...I don't know. I thought about texting her today at work...but I didn't. I want to keep her as a friend, and I think we will. I even plan introducing my girlfriend to the new people I've met, and that includes Macy. Like I said, my girlfriend comes back today...and don't get me wrong, I am happy about her return. We've definitely kept in touch and I've told her that I really need her here...she probably doesn't know why that is exactly. I didn't think three weeks alone would be so difficult for me to get by. It's funny, that Saturday night I remember a homeless man passing me telling me I was going to burn in hell or something. I think he was mad because I never give him money anymore (he's around my place a lot), but it struck a cord with me. I'm usually not superstitious or anything of the sort, but...I don't know, it was weird.

This brings me to what I wanted to come clean about. Even before I met Macy, the bar episodes, and such...I remember thinking...about the potential duration with my relationship with my girlfriend. I'll be honest, a part of me has thought about the commitment factor. A part of me isn't sure if one girl potentially for the rest of my life is going to be okay. A part of me really wants to explore. Now...I know that makes me look like a real bad person. But if there was a person that may be the "one", I think my girlfriend really fits the bill. I'm not sure how long we'll be together, but these last 21 days...hmmm...I think it's made me also realize that I need to somehow fix my attitude about my romantic life and be more thoughtful about the people around me. I hope the recent events don't tarnish what I've established with my girlfriend...and things go back to the way they were.

Your thoughts and opinions please. Doesn't matter if it's malicious or not. Proceed.

EDIT: It's 3:30am here about. Was about to go to sleep. Discovered a text message from Macy at around 12am. I didn't get it since I was at the gym. Let's see what it says...hmmm...oh, just asked if I was asleep yet...and what day is father's day (she's an international student from China). Heh...my goodness...anyways, good night people.