Originally Posted by JamesEdwards
I am going to assume English isn't your first language, judging by the various grammatical errors I have found. By some miracle, you managed to avoid the bullet of spelling mistakes, or I would have contracted an apoplectic seizure, I think.
You, my friend, need a beta-reader and some self-study to help fix your English, and you need to peruse through more fiction, period, to improve your storytelling capabilities. I can help with the former, but the latter... There is no way easy way to it. Everyone learns their own way of telling a story. Some people like books, others movies, others comics, etc., but really, it's about absorbing all the culture you see around you and disseminating it into a written form that seems to have a method to its madness (AKA narrative style), rather than being roughly strung together blurbs of thought.
Rhyme and reason, yeah?
As is, I'd rate you a low C. It was kinda enjoyable, I guess. Negative marks on Ichika's sister being out of character, and shoddy execution to why / how Ichika comes to meet Magi. Positive marks for effort guts. Hey, at least you gave it a shot, and I can sorta see the vision you have for this "World". Alas, your voice is still lacking and immature.
Now, by all means, do continue to give it your best, but don't forget to take the criticism to heart. Otherwise, you're never going to improve your abilities as a fiction writer.
If you like, I can submit you via PM a revised edition of this drabble, with the bare minimum of edits to bring it up to basic spec. I am not trying to railroad you here, bro. I am trying to show you the kinds of things you need to be thinking about when you write your scenes.
It's the six P's: Proper Planning Prevents P*** Poor Performance.
Ja?
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