[NorthernFallout]

Originally Posted by Wild Goose

Noted on all aspects. Thanks for your feedback! To be honest this is the first thing I've written properly in close to 3 years, so yeah, I am rusty.

Regards the past-present, I'd actually not really noticed that at all

As for style of the fic, an experiment I'm doing is that while the narration is past tense, the action is present tense. Sorta like trying to combine someone narrating the past, interposed with flashbacks... I guess it didn't really work?

I'll take this all into account for the next installment. Once again, thanks!

I took a look as well and I largely agree with Darthtabby, though I am personally more lenient on Show, Don't Tell for short snippets. Still, it would have been nice.

Spoiler for for spaaaaaaaaaaaaaace:

Anyway, the first tense switch doesn't work at all. It could work as a separate section, but now it's mixed with the rest. I'd provide a cue or separate it from the rest, like you did with the last section. Though it still comes a bit sudden, so I'd say avoid it if you can. Or mark the section with "X time ago" or something.

Then there was a sentence that annoyed me:

"You asked for it, John," laughed Lipan-6, kicking his F-18C Hornet into afterburner, diving for the deck, the gray TSF barely 50 feet above the ground, juking left and right, zigzagging, corkscrewing and performing barrel rolls, keeping just above the rainforest canopy. All throughout his mad dash, a smile was on Lipan-6's face.

There's a bit too many commas in here, though I understand what you were trying to do. My tip would be to insert a few more periods like so:

"You asked for it, John," laughed Lipan-6, kicking his F-18C Hornet into afterburner. He dove for the deck, the gray TSF barely 50 feet above the ground, and juked left and right, zigzagging, corkscrewing and performing barrel rolls, keeping just above the rainforest canopy. All throughout his mad dash, a smile was on Lipan-6's face.

One period was added along with -ed changes, but IMO it doesn't disrupt the flow and makes it easier to read.

Finally, when people do actions at the end of a sentence (except for normal dialogue tags), use a period instead of a comma.

All he needs is combat time, lots and lots of combat time, to get all nicely cooked." John shrugged. "As for a training plan, I have no training plan, Boss.

Changed comma after "cooked" to a period. You can't "shrug" out a sentence, if you catch my drift. Stuff like "Smirk" are also included

Hope that helps. Poke me in IRC if there's something else.