[Wild Goose]

Originally Posted by NorthernFallout

I took a look as well and I largely agree with Darthtabby, though I am personally more lenient on Show, Don't Tell for short snippets. Still, it would have been nice.

Spoiler for for spaaaaaaaaaaaaaace:

Anyway, the first tense switch doesn't work at all. It could work as a separate section, but now it's mixed with the rest. I'd provide a cue or separate it from the rest, like you did with the last section. Though it still comes a bit sudden, so I'd say avoid it if you can. Or mark the section with "X time ago" or something.

Then there was a sentence that annoyed me:
There's a bit too many commas in here, though I understand what you were trying to do. My tip would be to insert a few more periods like so:

One period was added along with -ed changes, but IMO it doesn't disrupt the flow and makes it easier to read.

Finally, when people do actions at the end of a sentence (except for normal dialogue tags), use a period instead of a comma.
Changed comma after "cooked" to a period. You can't "shrug" out a sentence, if you catch my drift. Stuff like "Smirk" are also included

Hope that helps. Poke me in IRC if there's something else.

Aha, thanks. That's stuff that I hadn't really thought about...

Having the lotsa commas in Ray's little flyby was an attempt to replicate a storytelling style I'd seen, where the narrator speaks fast and urgently. I guess it didn't really work here - or rather, because I could "hear" it, I overlooked how that style felt as read. Thanks for the heads up.

Yeah, rereading John and Adrian's conversation, the tense is all over the place. I'm really not sure what the hell I was doing here I think I had a vague idea of the flight being a sorta past tense rememberance, while the conversation with Adrian was in the immediate present, but my tenses got all screwed up. I'll need to fix that.

Originally Posted by Darthtabby

You know, I'd been inclined to say that Past Tense was the better choice, but I had trouble coming up with a good reason why. According to a little reading I just did on the subject, Present Tense is much more difficult to write well and can be difficult for some readers to get used to (Past Tense is a very natural form to use when storytelling). On the other hand, it is often credited with lending scenes more immediacy, which is kind of at odds with my feeling that the scene was detached. So maybe it was something else that was at fault for ending the scene its detached feeling.

It could simply be that I lack sufficient human empathy that can be expressed, which has a follow-on effect that my writing, as is myself, is too detached.

Or maybe it was the couple years I spent studying law and writing out my arguments in a detached manner. I'll need to rework this a bit more, I think.

I did a bit of experimentation with trying to do a version of the scene that kept the present tense but started off differently. Here's the intro (I actually got a bit carried away and tried rewriting the whole scene, but for now I'm just going to go with this. If you want I can try to post more though):

Spoiler:

The ammunition counter on Ray’s HUD hits zero as he empties the last of his assault cannon’s magazine into the side of a Destroyer Class, and the firing vibrations that have been shaking his Hornet’s frame cease. Still eager for a kill, he discards the empty cannon and draws a close combat knife, then lunges towards his wounded foe. The Destroyer rears up as the F-18’s knife slices deep into its side, then stumbles and collapses to the ground, its enormous body twitching as it enters its death throes.

That's... that's actually pretty good, though not quite my voice, but I see where you're going there. *nods* I'd be pleased to see what else you come up with, if it's okay with you.

And again, I'm grateful for your efforts in helping.