The only "authoring" comment I have is you might check for tense. You're writing in an immediate present tense mode (past tense for flashbacks) and a few times you flip tenses within a single fragment.
Example
Quote:
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He comes out of his hiding spot when he sees Ryoko is already far away and followed her to the open court.
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"and follows her".
Also, that sentence is complicated enough you might want to split it.
"... already far away. He follows her ..."
Just depends on the reading style you want. If a lot of sentences are short and clipped, a long sentence sticks out oddly. (says the guy who has huge multi-part sentences
)