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Aoie_Emesai · 2006-02-13, 12:48

I found a pretty funny picture.

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Here's a joke i've heard a while ago. Sorta racist though.

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Razer_2mb - That movie was too long for me. Though it was funny.

Here's my favorite one from some of the beginning jokes and such.

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Ok i went back form the beginning and found some pretty funny jokes, here they are. Well some of them, there's really too many.

Cammie

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Cammie

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!! -- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!-- bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

EDIT: I had to add this one.

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Dragonz20

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Quote:

Originally Posted by dragonz20

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.

One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes this time."

The moral of the story is whenever a man lies, it is for an honorable and useful reason.

More Of Dragoonz20

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Saif had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," Saif said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got!"
Saif just reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the wise-ass, young man, he says, "All right. Get in..."

More dragonz20 works

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Quote:

Originally Posted by dragonz20

The old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US Government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."

The Chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night making love to women."

The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

great quotes:
Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if
they already know everything."

Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it
for a while...it isn't so hot.

"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get
to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen."

"If you're playing a poker game and you look around the
table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you."

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant.
Every table had an argument going."

"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing
they notice about a women are their eyes.
And women say the first thing they notice about men
is they're a bunch of liars."

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the
first."

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but
it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half
for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

Nosaninwa

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Amy

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hobobaggins

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Slade xTekno

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More HoboBaggins French Jokes

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Ahhh I just noticed that dragonz20 has 5+ repeated post. Hahha ^^