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Originally Posted by NatokoMizuki
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- First off, you're using too much material from the original LN. That's not bad in itself but if it's too close--almost word for word--it doesn't really bring anything new to the table. If you're trying to make it more of a focus on Houki's point of view, you could try and change the pace. Keep the same dialogue but with a different angle/point of view. Houki is not Ichika and her thought process is not the same. What Ichika would find confusing or amusing Houki would be really annoyed with or just mentally shut out or ignore.
Even try expressing it with internal dialogue. act out the characters in your head, that's probably the best way--lots of times I've wanted to write a conversation between characters that fell flat because the characters realistically would not speak to each other that way.
Also, I usually encourage people to read more novels--EG real novels, or even proper english language science fiction novels. I know how the translated Japanese LNs come across, and I wish more people would try to write novels in english the way an english language story is written, as opposed to trying to use the same style as a Japanese light novel. Get into the habit of writing it properly.