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Old 2006-07-11, 22:11   Link #79
Sushi-Y
湯音カワユス~
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Canada
Age: 28
Mom's Diary (Ep. 15)

There's something I don't like about that child.
Now that I'm writing it down in words like this, I'm finally becoming conscious to it for the first time.

Without having to be told by child-raising books, I know children are not their parents' dolls.
Parents who stop loving their children simply because they don't reach their expectations anymore don't have the right to be parents.

That's not what I'm talking about here.
How do I say this.... ...It's actually harder to describe it in words.

I don't demand anything from my children except the average.

I believe that, as long as they're not poor, there's no need for them to be outstanding either. As long as they have the proper senses befitting of their age, then that's good enough.

But that child has changed ever since kindergarten.

While the other children in her class were in high spirits, unable to hide their excitement for the field trip tomorrow, that child made a bored expression, and stood alone from the group.

Same for the time when they broke the game equipments used for the athletic meeting. All the other children were apologizing wholeheartly, yet, only that child made a bored expression, and stood alone from the group.

Even when the teacher reads fun picture books, only that child won't laugh.
Even when delicious lunch boxes are taken out, only that child won't express any joy.

...If that's all, then it's still not beyond my understanding.

But what I don't get is, ...sometimes, even when something that's exactly the same as the things I wrote above happens again, this time around, she would show the kind of joy befitting of her age.

As her parent, I have no idea what her standard is.

Why does she show no interest for that field trip, but is glad for this field trip?
Why does she show no interest for that picture book, but is glad for this picture book?
Why does she show no interest for that lunch box, but is glad for this lunch box...?

The former and latter appear exactly the same in my eyes.
...Sometimes, the former even appears to be the better of the two.

I don't understand that child's sense.

Even during parent interviews, her teacher would reveal the exact same thoughts as mine.
And I too, would respond by saying I don't understand my own child, and hanged our heads down together.

My husband is more optimistic, saying that since a child's sense is different from that of an adult's, it's okay if you can't understand them all. ......I sigh at his lack of crisis sense.

One day, when I was in a good mood.

Wanting to please that child, I made her all the dishes that she liked.

...Yet, that child only laughed dryly with a vague look on her face.
That behavior got me angry impulsively, and I hit that child's head.

One day, when the weather was nice.

The washed laundry that were just hanged up to dry was blown by a strong wind, and toppled over with the entire hanger rack, making a big mess.

...Yet, that child looked at me picking up all the laundry clothes in a panic, and laughed out loud.
That behavior got me angry impulsively, and I hit that child's head.

I think things like those happened many times before.

And before I know it, that child stopped looking at me except with a bored expression all the time.

......I have repented for being a bad mother.
I thought that I should try to regain the trust of my child bit by bit through small communications.

I meet the child at the house's open side corridor, working on something, and I called out to her.

Rika's mom: "We've been having all these pleasant sunny days for the past few days now, it sure feels nice, doesn't it?"
Rika: "....................."
That child, ...turned and looked up at me with that bored expression that I hate the most, and without any replies, returned to the work at her hand.

......If this was me up until now, I would've hit her head just for that action. ...I endure it.

Rika's mom: "What are you making? A doll?"
Rika: "......... Teru teru bouzu" (note: a doll-shaped charm for good weathers)
That child was making a teru teru bouzu using the newpaper flyers skillfully.

There are no forecast for rains.
But, in her own way, that child must be making the teru teru bouzu to wish for this refreshing sunny weather to continue, no doubt about it.

Being able to understand my child's thoughts for once in a long time, I wasn't able to hide my joy.

I brought the yarn ball, and hanged my child's adorable teru teru bouzu up on the house eaves.

Rika's mom: "Ahahaha.... That's no good, Rika. The head is too heavy, see. It's an upside down teru teru bouzu now. This won't make the weather sunny, but rainy instead, you know?"
As I tried to take down the teru teru bouzu, that child pulled on my skirt hem, as if wanting to stop me.

Rika: ".........I made it to become upside down like that, so it's okay."
Rika's mom: "...............But Rika, if a teru teru bouzu is upside down, it doesn't make a charm for sunny weather, you know?"
Rika: "I'm making a charm for rainy weather, so it's okay."
...I suppress the emotions rising up within me with all my might, and try to understand that child the best I can.

Rika's mom: "...Ah, ......I see. You want it to rain because the morning glories in the yard are getting depressed from all the sun, right?"
That child, ......turned to me with that expression that I hate the most.

Rika: "I'm tired of... sunny days."

......I don't get it, I don't get it. ...I don't get that child.......
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Last edited by Sushi-Y; 2006-07-12 at 17:31.
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