Overlord of None
You know, being #2 in a large evil empire seems to be a good job. If I were to ask any of the two million casually tortured peasants whether they would like to have my position, I'm sure most of them would say, "I wouldn't mind it". But that's the difference between an Overlord and the overlorded. Ambition. If you don't aim for the top, the top aims for you.
When I woke up this morning I felt a tingle in my toes. And I knew it was time to set things into motion! Today shall be the Depose-the-Overlord day! After shaking off my foot cramps I rang up my lieutenant and instructed him to carry out my plans. The scheme was simple- I had already replaced the Inner Guard with troops loyal to me. It would be easy to oust him from his position! In fact, I could have done it a week ago, if I had wanted to. But I was clever, and waited patiently for a sign from the heavens. I got it; The toe tingling was clearly an omen instructing me to "move it".
For many years I was oppressed into the service of the Overlord. No longer! Finally I could denounce him openly with the victory taunt I had spent many a sleepless night writing.
"Overlord, it's over, lord! <Insert sophisticated evil laughter here>"
At least, that's what I would have said, if the (ex) Overlord wasn't locked up in the dungeon cell beside mine. I succeeded in my coup, but I myself was succeeded shortly after. Damn. My lieutenant even stole my incredibly intelligent finishing line.
I look across into the (ex) Overlord's cell. He's napping now. Oh, he's smiling in his sleep as he hugs a royal silk pillow. He's smiling in his sleep!?!! No wait, how's he getting such luxurious items? It doesn't make any sense...
Fuhuhuhu... I understand now. He was just lucky. Clearly he must have been sleeping when he was captured. That's how he got the pillow, because he never let go. Haha. I am indeed a genius, to be able to discern the truth from such little information. I'm confident that I'll also be able to explain why the (ex) Overlord's cell contains a well-stocked bookshelf, a FlayStation, a bar fridge, internet access, marble pillars(!), gym facilities, a bowling alley, and two maidservants.
In comparison, my cell only has a comfortable stool, and a rat. And I lied about the stool being comfortable. What rubbish! This is no way to treat an (ex) Overlord! There is only one explanation, and this time I'm certainly correct. As an (ex) Overlord, my threat level is 1000x higher than the (ex-ex) Overlord. The stool and rat are tools placed intentionally to weaken my ability to rise back to power! But I will not be stopped so easily. Already, I have a cunning plan to thwart these power limiters.
I pick up the rat and throw it across the dungeon, into the (ex-ex) Overlord's domain. How's that! Now only the stool remains to stop me. But not for long, surely. No three-legged piece of furniture can deny an (ex) Overlord!
My intelligent ramblings are interrupted by a voice from the other side of the dungeon. Ah, the rat has woken my past employer. As always, I am right- the rat has natural disruptive properties. Thankfully I got rid of it before its terrible abilities were afflicted on me.
"You seem to be in a bad position, usurper." the man holding the rat said.
"Of course, it can't be helped. My danger level is much higher. I was after all the most powerful person in the country."
The (ex-ex) Overlord laughed out loud after hearing my words.
"WHAT DANGER LEVEL? Let's say one day of rule counts as one power. I ruled for over ten years, so my power level is at least 3600! You ruled for what, six hours? Your power level is only 0.25! I have over TEN THOUSAND times your power!"
"Fuhuhuhu.... still, my achievements are INFINITY times that of a normal person."
"Not if you round down."
... See! This is why I wanted to overthrow him in the first place. He is a bad employer. Thanks to him, my job prospects are now ruined. I don't even have retrenchment benefits.
"Anyway, as I said, you seem to be in a bad position."
"You just got the luckier end of the dungeon." I retorted defensively.
"Luck? Luck had nothing to do with it! It was my cunning scheme all along. This is my retirement plan!
You see, power is great, but power is a means, not an ends. Evil rule #66: You can't hold power until your death, unless you happen to die early. So you have to set intelligent goals, and use your power to achieve those goals. After that, power is just a bonus.
Recall those 'Discretionary Dungeon Funds'? You didn't think I was building a larger torture chamber or some dark experiment room, did you? Why would I want to do such a thing when I just can decree the same thing for free? No, I was building my retirement home here, as well as funding my 'Bribe the Dungeon Keepers' cache. And that, you fool, is why I'm living like this and why you're not.
And oh, you may have your rat back."
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Lesser minds would be discouraged by circumstances, but not my great mind. I will succeed in the end. After all, I still have a comfortable stool and a loyal minion. Already I have a cunning plan...
"Go Mr Rat, seize the fat man's fridge and bring it back here! You can do it if you want to..."