Shirou Zelretch Schweinorg sat in the water, doing what he could to compute the eight-thousandth nine-hundredth fifty second number of pi.
“C’mooon boooooooos.” Sibilated OS. “Just think about it. The milky white smooth skin. The adorable hair settling across her wet back. Those two soft mounds, their peaks standing in the cold air begging for your attention as droplets of water glisten on her skin like diamonds.”
Shirou sank his face into his palms and tried to convince himself the very heavy blush on his cheeks was caused by the water.
“And you, lady!” Continued the weapon. “You know you want to turn around and look at the muscles of that strong back shifting beneath that layer of skin. The water falling down those broad shoulders in rivulets. Running your tongue over his flesh in order to get a taste of the sweet liquid as you wrap your arms around him to run your hands over his powerful chest. Causing his excitement to mount until he can no longer resist his animalistic desires, making him turn around and sweep you off your feet only to push you to the ground and claim all that you are in a fit of torrid passi-”
“SHUT UP OS!” Screamed the duo in perfect synchronicity, turning at the same time to take a swing at the prismatic weapon, only to catch a glimpse of the other’s eyes and immediately turn back around with a heavy blush coloring their entire face.
“Wohoo!” Said OS jovially as he splashed around in the no man’s land between the Slider and the Knight.
Immediately after their fight with the ugly creatures, labeled by OS as ‘those ugly Fethers’ the dirty duo had walked around until they found what was either an exceedingly large pond, or an undersized lake.
Shirou had lamented the fact that the water would be ice cold, but he was desperate to get rid of the stench and so pulled cleaning supplies out of one of his Handy Haversacks. He always carried a supply of a few different types of soap around with him as he had learned in the past that they could be in short supply in certain ‘verses.
Cleanliness is next to godliness after all.
As the young slider bemoaned his luck, Signum dipped her sword into the water. She expended a cartridge and heated the entirety of the pond to such a degree that it began to release steam.
Considering the amount of raw magical energy such a thing required, Shirou resolved to do his best not to get on her bad side, OS notwithstanding.
Shirou had offered to wait until she was done, but Signum had refused him. The longer he waited the harder it would be to remove the things' fluids, giving the stench a chance to permeate his clothing. And she did not want to waste more magical energy re-heating the pond.
Shirou had agreed with her logic, and proceeded to give her what privacy he could. Once they climbed into the water, the two of them had opted to look respectfully away. They made use of OS’ extremely limited locomotion to ferry Shirou’s cleaning supplies back and forth between them.
They had not counted upon the prismatic weapon making the already embarrassing situation as awkward as possible.
“I don’t suppose you have a gadget that we could use to quickly dry out clothes do you?” Called Signum.
Shirou shook his head before realizing that she likely was not looking at him. “Can’t say I do Signum. We’d just have to make a fire and dry them there. I have a few sets of clothing, I could let you borrow one if you’d like?”
“That would be much appreciated.”
“Oh! I see what’s happening here!” Interjected OS. “She’s going for that incredibly sexy ‘only wearing a shirt’ look! The way the shirt covers everything that needs to be covered while leaving just enough tantalizing flesh displayed would indeed be a godly thing!”
“Shirou.” Called Signum.
“Yeah?”
“If I stick OS underwater, will he drown?”
“No.”
With a quick and violent motion, Signum snatched OS and dived under the water’s surface. She stabbed the weapon into the ground by her feet, sinking the blade to the hilt.
“Pity.” She said once her task was complete and she emerged from the water.
As they finished their bath in silence, Shirou was plagued by a single and basic thought.
‘Why didn’t I ever think of that?’
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“So.” Said Shirou as he cooked dinner over an open campfire, being very conscious of where he directed his gaze and lamenting the absence of the spices he had used to distract Zafira. “Think we’ll find a town soon? I don’t carry that much food on me at any one time.”
Signum sat with her legs pulled up in front of her, resting her chin on her knees and wrapping her arms around her legs. She was wearing one of Shirou’s shirts and had wrapped herself in a blanket to stave off the night’s chill.
“I don’t know.” Was her answer to the slider’s query.
Shirou remained quiet for a few moments before speaking. “Thinking about the family?”
Signum simply nodded. “They are probably worried to death for me right now.”
The slider poked at the fire for a minute before speaking again. “Must be nice that…having a family I mean.”
The blue eyed knight regarded him for a few moments. “What do you mean?”
Shirou smiled and shook his head. “Long boring story. Don’t worry about it.”
“We don’t have much else to talk about.”
Shirou absently stroked the fire higher. Signum took his silence to mean the conversation was over and paid closer attention to the dancing flames.
“Like most of my alternatives, I was the sole survivor of an enormous fire.” Said Shirou slowly, causing the rosette’s sapphire gaze to settle on him once more. “Pretty big thing, little over five-hundred people died in a few hours. I had nightmares for years afterwards.
“Anyways, that’s not the important part. Virtually all of my alternates are picked up by an ex-mercenary and assassin: Kiritsugu Emiya. They grow up with the wish to become heroes, and varying degrees of proficiency at this. A few are trained correctly and become a force to be reckoned with at an early age. Most are not though, and are rudely disabused when they reach sixteen years of age, entering a contest of life and death. Sometimes surviving. Sometimes dying. Sometimes they live on but are just…broken. Against all odds, emerging victorious more often than not.
“A few are found by one Kirei Kotomine, the one who was responsible for causing the fire in the first place. Sometimes they are found shortly after Kiritsugu saved them, losing his life in the attempt. Other times Kiritsugu failed to find anything. They grow up a little bit twisted, but overall alright as a person…mostly.
“Still others are found by other people, organizations, Legends. Growing up to be different people who value different things.
“Me? I was found by Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg, Wizard Marshal and master of the Second Magic, the Kaleidoscope. When he found me, he was hit by a stray thought: ‘What if I am doing things wrong? What if instead of breaking the best and the brightest in my attempt to make them my apprentices, I take someone empty and fill them with what I want?’ And so, he saved me and took me in.
“He raised me for a few years, taught me what I know about the kaleidoscope. He was kind of ditzy and overall sucked as a parent. But I love the guy, he is the only old man I’ve ever known, secondhand memories notwithstanding. Sometimes he would go for months at a time, leaving me in the care of his ‘granddaughter’ she and I became pretty close.
“Sometimes he would leave me in the magic association of my planet, which in and of itself was dangerous. I ended up being taken care of by a guy of the tower, Lord El-Melloi the second. His real name is Waver. We played videogames.
“When I was ten, my old man gave me OS and then abandoned me.”
“WHAT!” Interrupted Signum for the first time, outrage strong in her voice. “What type of monster would do that to a child!?”
Shirou tilted his head. “What do you mean? He’d taught me all I could learn so he had no more reason to hang around.”
Signum’s fury was such that the chill of the night was completely banished. “He adopted you, that means he had to take responsibility and raise you until you would be able to fare for yourself!”
“But…he did. I’ve been on my own sense then and I turned out alright.”
“That’s not an excuse!”
“Bu-”
“NO BUTS!” Screamed Signum pointing at his nose, having shot to her feet at some point in the conversation. “I swear people like him deserve to be-What?” Said Signum when she realized Shirou was pointedly looking away from her.
His entire face as red as his hair, Shirou cleared his throat. “I ah…hem…it’s just that…well you see.”
The ground beside him trembled until OS managed to poke his blade out of the ground from where he had been buried.
“He can’t look away from your creamy white thighs! The desire to run his tongue over that delicious flesh overwhelming as he-mph!” Screamed OS to the high heavens before Shirou’s foot descended and pushed him back into the ground again.
Signum was sitting and wrapped by the blanket again faster than the eye could perceive, her cheeks colored a bright red.
They ate dinner in silence.
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“Say Signum, why is your clothing different?” Asked Shirou as they walked through the trail.
“I only call upon my barrier jacket during battle.” Answered the knight, dressed in a black form-fitting blouse, a white coat, and jeans. “This is what I put on so that I could search for you back in Mid Childa.”
“Ah.” Answered the slider, debating whether or not to tell her she looked cute.
“Partner thinks you look cute lady.” Said OS, taking the decision from Shirou, causing the slider to plant his face in his palm in order to hide his red cheeks.
Signum simply snorted and shook her head. “How much longer until we can make a hop back home?” She decided to ask after a moment of silence.
Shirou scratched his head. “Still at two weeks. Pulling out the Green Dragon yesterday drained me something fierce.”
Signum remained quiet for a few moments. “Is that why you made all those arrows yesterday?” Asked the knight, referring to the pair of quivers that dangled on Shirou’s hip, each filled with fifteen heavy, steel broad-headed arrows.
Shirou nodded. “Alteration is a relatively low prana-cost procedure. This allows me to still be useful in a fight, conserving my prana to get us out of here. OS has a charge enough for one prism-trace that cuts down on our time here by four days if I expend it as such. But I’d rather keep that for emergencies.”
Signum nodded. “How much…prana, do you need to make a weapon like yesterday? That was an exquisitely crafted polearm.”
“Something that strong, just about my entire Odic capacity. My alternates would be able to make it with less than a tenth of the energy it takes me. Unfortunately I don’t have the same element and origin.”
“Then what about a bow? Those arrows won’t fire themselves.”
“OS can turn into a bow that some of my alternates use. Because firing a bow is second nature to most of them, I sort of absorbed the art of the bow by osmosis. I’m not as good as most of them, but I’m a pretty decent shot. It’s also a lot cheaper than turning OS into a Noble Phantasm or other mystic code.”
Signum remained quiet for a few moments. “Are you talking about the device you used yesterday?”
“Ahh, no, different terminology. That was a Noble Phantasm, basically what that means is th-”
A loud scream cut Shirou’s explanation short. After a short pause, the two of them rushed forward in order to see who had made the terrified sound.
Signum activated her device, transforming it into a longsword without calling on her barrier jacket. Shirou unsheathed OS, who sensing the state of mind of his partner, wordlessly changed into a long black bow. It seemed to be made of some type of metal instead of wood, its string made of the same material as the bow. Its tensile strength ensured that most grown men would be unable to as much as string it, much less use it effectively.
The two of them crashed through the shrubbery into a small clearing, and saw that a kid with rust colored hair was about to be killed by one of the ugly things from the day before. Shirou knocked an arrow, drew, and let fly in a single fluid motion, the heavy broad-headed arrow crossing the distance to his target in an instant. Its steel tip rent its way entirely through the creatures head and impaled it against a tree where it sagged, standing upright thanks to the arrow that slew it.
Shirou pulled one more arrow from one of his quivers and nocked it, ready to repeat the motion where it to become necessary.
“W-Who are you?” Asked a blond girl near the place where they had come out, doing what she could to hide a black haired woman behind her. Shirou turned to answer her question, whereupon he froze.
“I-Is that a tiny naked winged man?” Said Shirou with honest curiosity in his voice.
The aforementioned tiny naked winged man perked up, his ears pointing to the skies as he let out a squeak of surprise. “Wait you can see me?”
“Shirou, you might need to call that weapon from yesterday out.” Said Signum as she pressed her back to the slider’s.
Shirou shook his head to clear it of distractions and directed his eyes around. They were surrounded by roughly the same amount of the ugly creatures as the day before.
“Well, crap.” Was Shirou’s succinct summation of the proceedings as the kid with rust hair scampered until he stood beside the two girls.
Signum gave Shirou a fierce smirk. “And to think we cleaned our clothes just yesterday hu?”
Shirou’s smile was as vicious as hers. “Pain in the ass.”
The creatures stalked closer, stepping out of the shadows and formed a rough circle about them, herding the child and two women until they stood beside them.
Two of the creatures sniffed the air and faltered, making frantic grunts and screeches before pushing back at the rest of the horde. The advancing trolls slowed before coming to a grinding halt. After that, the other creatures began repeating the foul sounding noises before slowly backing away. They were soon retreating in earnest, glaring daggers at the Knight and the Slider in the process.
“T-They are retreating?” Said the blond haired woman in a weary voice, the brunette with her made infantile mewling sounds as she was kept away from poking at Shirou’s hair.
“Wow.” Said the little winged creature. “I never would have thought that trolls would retreat from a meal. Wonder what scared them off?”
“So these things are trolls?” Asked Shirou as he put away his arrow and walked to the creature he had killed and worked at retrieving his arrow.
“Ya didn’t even know that?” Asked the redheaded kid as he stalked over to pick up the sword he had dropped next to Shirou. “Anyways…thanks for savin’ me.” Mumbled the kid.
With a grunt of effort Shirou managed to dislodge the arrow from the tree it had been buried in, splashing troll brain matter across the ground, but being careful to get none of it on his clothes.
“Any time.” Answered the Slider as he cleaned the arrow with a rag.
“Shirou!” Called Signum with discomfort heavy in her voice. “Help me please!”
Shirou turned and had to fight the urge to laugh at what he saw. Signum was having to fight off the advances of the brunette as the latter tried to molest the poor Signum. The blond haired girl failing in her attempts to dislodge the girl from the knight.
“Alright alright.” Said Shirou walking towards them and placing OS on his back.
“Wow! Casca has really taken a liking to you lady!” Called the fairy as it zoomed around over their heads.
“It doesn’t look sexual.” Remarked Shirou clinically. “It’s more like an infant that wants to suckle her mother’s breast.”
“That’s all well and good now get her off me!” Roared Signum as she fought off the advances of the girl.
Shirou was about to enter the pile to attempt to separate them when a powerful voice roared over them, accompanied by the sound of pounding boots.
“Hey! What’s wrong!” Called a deep bass, its owner speaking with the cadence of one used to having to make themselves heard over the din of a battlefield. Moments later a very tall man became visible as he crashed through the brush, his tall muscular frame tensing when he caught sight of the slider. His right hand reached for a hilt that stuck out over his right shoulder.
“Lady Farneze!” Called another man with hair the color of dirty straw, reaching for a weapon when he saw Shirou trying to wrestle the brunette.
Shirou retracted his hands. “Easy there,” he said. “Just trying to free my friend from your friend.” Said the Slider, tilting his head up to meet the brown eye of the taller man. The top of his head would barely meet the chin of the black cloaked swordsman.
“Hey Guts don’t hurt him! Him and that chick saved us from a bunch of ugly trolls.” Said the redheaded kid.
“Oh yea!” Hollered the blue haired fairy. “We haven’t introduced ourselves yet! How rude! My name is Puck! That kid is Isidro, the one trying to kiss your friend is Casca, that girl is Farneze, the big one is Guts, and that other guy there is Serpico. Who are you guys?”
Shirou was rather confused by the rapid-fire introductions and responded without thinking. “Name’s Shirou, she is Signum, nice to meet you.”
“I gotta ask.” Said the fairy as he floated in front of Shirou’s eyes. “How did you make the trolls run away?”
“Ahh. Probably because Signum and I killed a whole lot of the things yesterday.”
The fairy’s jaw dropped open at Shirou’s easy declaration. In order to make trolls afraid of them, then they would have had to have annihilated an entire horde by themselves.
The tall man, Guts, stepped closer and interjected into their conversation. “Isidro just told me what happened. You have my thanks, those two are very important to us.” Said the giant as he extended his right hand.
“Yeah, anytime.” Responded the slider as he shook the tall man’s hand.
With a flash of multicolored light, the bow on Shirou’s back changed back into a jewel sword half-sheathed at his hip. “Oh god boss whatever you do stay away from that thing! It’s like solidified insanity and malevolence! Keep it away!” Exclaimed OS shrilly before sinking into his scabbard and trembling like a terrified pup.
The silence of the group was palpable. The only sound that could be heard was Signum’s continued struggle not to be molested by the brunette.
“D-Did your sword just talk?” Said Farneze with awe and fear in her voice.
Shirou sighed.
‘Dammit OS.’
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“That is one big tree house.” Said Shirou as he stood staring at a…well…rather large house on top of a tree.
“But...It looks like the house is growing out of the tree rather than having been constructed there.” Mused Signum as she looked at the tree house with a critical eye.
“The mana here.” Muttered the Slider slowly. “It’s…cleaner. It still holds trace amounts of whatever taint permeates everything. But…most of it is filtered out by something, maybe a barrier.”
“Bwahahaha! Look a’ this thing! Looks like a big fat ugly midget!” Said Isidro, breaking Shirou out of his deliberations as he kicked a tall statue that seemed to be made of earth.
“Oh that.” Said Shirou. “That’s a-”
“A rock statue, called a golem.” Said the blue haired fairy flying near his head.
“Oi oi oi oi oi! Don’t ruin the surprise!” Said OS from his perch clutched in the fairie’s hands.
“Oohhhh you’re totally right! I do have much to learn.” Answered Puck with wide eyes.
“Heh! I have not spent the last thirteen years trolling my partner for nothing!” Said the prismatic weapon with a great amount of pride.
“The fact that your weapon can talk still gives me the chills.” Said Guts in his deep bass, his voice resembling boulders grinding against one another.
Shirou stopped his muttered list of the many things he would do to get revenge on OS, “And the monster you have on your back will never fail to give me nightmares.” He said with a smirk. “Guess we’re even eh?”
The giant of a man smirked right back, he did not know why, but he had taken a liking to the lad the moment he laid eyes on him.
“I-It wasn’t a dream after all.” Said the old man they had picked up on their way there, his voice chocked and heavy with emotion. “A long time ago some kids found this mansion. I was one of them, but no one ever believed me, so many years had passed that I began to think it was all a dream.”
“Something wrong?” Asked Farneze as Casca palmed her chest and mumbled.
Guts stiffened a moment later. “Isidro! Get away from that thing!” Screamed the black cloaked swordsman.
The boy was too busy laughing to pay attention to the older man’s warning however. “Hey guys look at it! It has an afro! Bwahahaha! An afro! A friggin afro!”
As if it had heard the child, the mud statue stepped forward and lunged at him, causing him to step back with a startled yelp.
Moving much too fast for a human of that size, Guts was beside Isidro in a heartbeat and cut the arm of the statue at the shoulder with his sword.
Shirou however, would never call that weapon a sword. It was much too big, too heavy, and far too rough.
It was akin more to a slab of raw iron.
The Dragonslayer roared as it separated the golem’s other arm from its body. Shirou could sense a palpable feeling of disappointment emanating from the weapon. Frustrated that blood had failed to flow from the creature it cut.
Shirou stepped back, gastric juices fighting their way up his throat. How did Guts not feel that? OS landed into his sheath a moment later, having wrenched himself form Puck’s grasp. Once inside his sheath, the weapon trembled.
“Stop! The story!” Screamed the old man as he tried to force his way forward. His progress stopped by Serpico.
“Not the type of enemy you talk to old man, stay back!” Said Guts as he hefted the enormous weapon. What he was about to say next died in his throat as the golem drew from the earth beneath its feet and regenerated its arms.
“This day just gets better and better.” Muttered Signum as she readied Levatein. Shirou directed his gaze in the same direction and saw a score of smaller earth golems sneaking up on the group.
“I don’t know if I should be scared or laugh.” Said Isidro, mirth bubbling up from his throat.
Shirou drew OS and activated the parallel feature, after a multicolored flash, Shirou was holding a roughbladed machete as he set himself in a position to guard Signum’s back.
Farneze shuddered at the unnatural display.
“Not using the bow today?” Asked Serpico in his calm manner, his easy smile and slanted eyes failing to reveal whatever thought’s happened behind closed curtains.
“You try shooting arrows at the ground and seeing how useful that is.” Responded the slider as he cut into a waist-high golem with the machete, splitting its head in two and kicking it off his blade, when the creature fell to the floor it crumbled apart.
“True.” Answered the serving man as he stabbed into the stomach of another.
Their fight continued as such for the next several minutes, the golems continually torn apart and regenerating.
“Dammit!” Screamed Isidro, frustration clear on his voice. “These guys are not hard but they get annoying!”
“What I am wondering.” Said Shirou as he absentmindedly cut another one of the clumsy golems in two. “Is why you are so experienced with an enemy like this?”
“Meh, we fight worse every night, these guys are not hard by comparison.”
Signum kicked the same golem for the third time, glancing down; she saw a small totem, earth forming around it as the golem sought to rebuild itself. Quickly smacking two more out of her way with a sweep of Levatein, Signum forcefully tore the totem out of the regenerating golem. The pile of earth that had been forming ceased its movements.
“Everyone!” Yelled Signum as she crushed the small totem on her palm. “There is a small totem imbedded on the golem’s chest symbol! Destroy that and they’ll stop moving!”
Guts smirked.
Bringing the enormous weapon around in a wide arc, he cut a great number of the small constructs apart before splitting the large one he had been fighting against in twain. Keeping his eye open through the small storm of dust his attack kicked up, he hit the totem as it fell to the ground, pulverizing it and causing the golem he had fought to finally die.
With that knowledge the party began to quickly dispatch the golems. After about two dozen destroyed golems, the rest that had been shuffling toward them stopped and backed away.
“What the?” Said Isidoro as he hefted his stick, waiting for them to walk forward.
“Why did they stop?” Muttered Guts a moment later.
Shirou looked about, his eyes settling on the door to the tree-mansion. “It’s an invitation.”
The group turned to see a young girl in a black robe and a pointy hat. A gnarled wooden staff, taller than she was, clutched in her right hand. Wordlessly, she turned and walked back into the mansion.
“What should we do?” Asked Farneze as she clutched a dagger in a white knuckled grip.
“It’s a rare invitation.” Answered Guts. “Let’s have an audience with the witch.”
The party stepped inside, following the silent girl through the mansion’s winding corridors. She opened a door to what looked like a tea-room rather than a meeting chamber, and spoke for the first time. “I brought the visitors, mistress.”
“Welcome, to the palace of the spiritual woods.” Said an elderly woman, handsome in her age as she gave off the same presence as a kindly grandmother. From her eyes glinted ageless wisdom and a keen intellect the likes of which would put the most learned of scholars to shame. A moment later, her face broke into a kind smile. “Please forgive my pupil’s impoliteness, she acted rashly in fear of my safety. My name is Flora, mistress of this mansion.”
The party retained their silence, in awe of the presence of the woman in front of them.
“Waitaminit!” Said Isidoro, his voice resonating in the silent chamber. “She’s the witch? But witches are supposed to look like ugly ghosts with a wrinkled nose!”
His declaration caused most of his party to plant their faces in their palms.
“Y-Y-You rude monkey!” Whispered the witches apprentice with outrage in her voice.
Flora simply chuckled as she tried to stifle her mirth, before breaking into unladylike guffaws. “Ohh. Thank you, I’ll think of it as a compliment.” She said once she managed to regain control of her amusement.
The old man from the village stepped forward with trembling legs. “Y-You are…surely, the same as that time!”
Flora looked to him with a kind smile. “Ohh, you are the boy from that time, correct? It has been a long time. Please, give me a moment child, visitors.” She turned her powerful gaze to Shirou and met his eyes, her smile widening as she brought her hands together. “Wanderer, it has been such a long time! My, you even look at least eighty winters younger! You must tell me your secret!”
As the eyes of everyone present turned to Shirou, a particular pair of sapphire orbs boring into him with an intensity powerful enough to knock him prone, Shirou knew to say only one thing at the witches familiar address.
“W-What?”