Back from the dead to give a few comments, take it as you may Kaisos. University will be the end of me!
Good write-up. I love the dialogue in this one, especially Itsuko's fourth-wall-shattering remark. Pacing is good too. I love how different yet similar the tone is between Kyon's narration and Kyonko's. Good job.
However, something has bugged me ever since you posted the parts full of
green text a few months(?) ago: you seem to like it a lot... Perhaps a little too much? Especially when Kyonko's turning crazy. I understand the tone and rhythm is part of the narrative... But if you slip key plot elements in there, there's a big risk people will do like I did on my first read-up: they'll skip most of it.
LONG LIVE THE GREEN, but keep the reader in mind.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon
This, in turn, is because Itsuko is the hottest thing in this game, and Kyon is very, very shallow.
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Find me a 16-year-old boy who
isn't shallow in some way. People tend to forget Kyon's actual age... The guy's just full of hormones!
