Quote:
Originally Posted by Eratas123
You have plans for the Dunoa Corporation too!? I guess none of us here like them do we  . I hope you kick dunoa's ass 
Can you please read the review the prologue and crack draft I posted earlier? I need to know if the grammar is ok and if I need to tweak the the sequences at all, be careful of the yaoi moment in the crack draft though |
Grammar is fine. I think the transition was a bit too sudden after he went, "I hate my life!"
I think, you should put a LITTLE of a description, such as: I tried to lose in her in the hallways, didn't work. Tried running into a crowd, she just blew them away (without injuring them of course) and then say, after X minutes of more running away.
I think the girls AKA Ichika's harem are a bit too quiet about this matter, knowing how possessive they are. Although, maybe you should add in Irish whispering to Ichika, "Go along with this for now."