Quote:
Originally Posted by willx
@csuree
I'm sorry that you're unhappy with your life and I genuinely hope that things get better for you, but it's unlikely (but not impossible) that any advice you receive here could truly be that helpful - ultimately almost anything I or anyone else says is generally common sense and/or knowledge that you already know. That being said, I'd like to offer two simple pieces of advice that you can take or leave lying on the road:
1) You seem to be focusing a lot on social interaction and relationships. These things are very important .. true .. but what about the rest of your life and the rest of your goals? Job? Education? Hobbies? Interests? A person's social life doesn't come from a vacuum. It gets developed as you pursue your interests and meet those with the same. Going to a party with music that you don't like and alcohol that you don't drink isn't likely going to help anything. Volunteering for a cause you believe in and going to workshops or activities that you enjoy are more likely to make you a more interesting person and introduce you to people that share the same interests.
2) Confidence / Attitude - This may sound a bit contradictory to my comment above, but bear with me .. this is one fact that I've found to be very true in life in general. With regards to work, life and simply growing up ..
"Pretend until it's true" -- That's right. Act confident. Act grown up. Act mature. I'm not telling you to lie, because while you're "acting" you're learning through both research and osmosis. You'll also fail sometimes. No one's good at their job right when they start, but no one's going to hire you unless you act confident that you WILL be able to learn and be good at it later. No one starts as a grown up, but you start "acting" more mature and eventually you "become" it.
Sounds silly, but if you read "14-sai no Koi" and think back to how you were when you were 13/14 and how you "grew up" it's a lesson people need to sometimes re-learn.
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I was, and still am in a similar situation to csuree, a 23-year old who has never had a girlfriend in his life. I have always been social awkward, partly due to Asperger's Syndrome, a mild form of autism that results in average to slightly above average intelligence and delayed social skills, as well as obsessive tendencies. I can say that have been and still am, to a lesser extent, sexually frustrated, and it hurts, I wouldn't wish the feeling on anyone.
Unfortunately for me, I got obsessed with getting a girlfriend and/or sex in high school. Not to mention discovering some "fantasies" that are not appropriate for public discussion. It didn't help that the part that I wanted sex was particular obvious, and the fact that at the time, I was interested in girls in the "popular crowd", when I was a "nerd". I imposed my company on the "popular crowd", and tried to change myself to become "one of them". Suffice it to say, I failed miserably.
This lead to some bad situations I'd rather not talk about. Just suffice it to say it sucked. Basically, a lot of the trouble I got in involved persistently chasing girls, and using a "carpet bombing" tactic, asking out every girl in hopes one will say yes.
After a couple years or high school, I hit "rock bottom", but I slowly clawed my way back up by the middle of my first year of university. By the end of the second years my obsession in getting a girlfriend was less intense, but still present, it still is to this day, as many of my past obsessions are in some form. At that point, anime and writing fan fiction took over.
Two years later, my junior year, I discovered anime club, made some friends, and really fell in with the right crowd. Now, still feel sexually frustrated and sometimes feel down. I still have never had a girlfriend or had any sexual experience. I still wish I had a girlfriend or at least a "friend with benefits".
But now, I feel better as I have some sort of idea of what to do. Basically, I know what I want, I still don't know how to get it, but I
DO know how not to... And with the negative, I can find the positive.
Second, I just generally keep a positive outlook, because, chances are, somewhere in the roughly 3.5 billion women on Earth, the one for me must be out there somewhere. I am also now hanging out with the right crowd, so getting to know girls is easier when we have something in common. Whenever I feel sexually frustrated, I can fight (or at least take the edge off it) by repeating "IT WILL HAPPEN" in my head, and when I feel like I'm progressing too slowly, "ONE SECOND CLOSER!".
As for some tips, here are some I've discovered:
Don't give up, but don't try to hard. Trying too hard makes you look desperate, girl's don't like that. "Carpet bombing" tactics- asking out every girl you know in hopes one will say yes- do not work, especially if you ask a one girl immediately after another. I tried that in high school. I wouldn't be writing this post if it worked! I hate to admit it, but I even sank a bit lower than that and at least contemplated attempting to sabotage a relationship and take the place of the ex. That didn't work either and is generally a dick move, like what your friend did to you, csuree.
Be yourself. Don't try and go after girls that you are physically attracted to but have nothing in common with. It will never work out. Hang out with the right crowd
What seems counterproductive often isn't This is related to the "don't try to hard rule. If it seems like your methods of attracting women aren't working, try something else. Try doing something that has nothing to do with dating.