Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernFallout
“Second Zealot General of the Third Righteous Absolution Fleet, and the Commander of the Tempest, Rashim Jakaar. ”
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Fixed the italics formatting for you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernFallout
“Close to anger. Strange. I thought the Administration only picked the finest to command their ships of war. You are a disgrace, Commander.”
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Did you mean "quick to anger"?
Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernFallout
Jakaar’s voice could be heard over the comms; “Your leaders have sentenced you to death despite my offerings of salvation. They refused it without a second thought. For that, you must all be punished by the Sun of Empires. Do not blame me, for I am but God’s Messenger.”
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernFallout
Malevolence became secluded behind the chaos.
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se·clud·ed
/siˈklo͞odid/
Adjective
(of a place) Not seen or visited by many people; sheltered and private.
Synonyms
solitary - isolated - lonely - retired - lone
If you were trying to say "hidden", it should be "occluded".
occluded past participle, past tense of oc·clude (Verb)
Verb
Stop, close up, or obstruct (an opening, orifice, or passage).
Shut (something) in: "they occluded the waterfront with buildings".
Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernFallout
It had said; “Remember. For the future.”
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Commas, not semicolons for opening to speech.
If you say Eclipse Station, aren't you worried people will confuse it with the one in Force?