The strange drug that even my memory can't retain......I think they were capsules.
No, maybe they were large oval-shaped pills?
That poisonous looking red color was quite unique...... Ahh, then it must be a capsule.
No pills would have such a horrible red color.
It must have been a capsule.
...And I think they were one size larger than regular capsules too....... I think. I think.... I can't remember.
Even though my memory is fuzzy right now, if I were shown that drug again, I will remember it like it was yesterday for sure....
That drug steals people.
...It steals your heart, it steals your memory, it steals your emotions, and it makes your body as dull and heavy as lead.
You can't think of anything, you're not interested in anything, you don't think about wanting to be awake or asleep.
Even the passage of time becomes vague, sometimes a mind boggling amount of time would pass, yet the second hand on the clock would only move one tick ahead, sometimes the hands on the clock would go round and round so fast it makes your eyes dizzy.
...Even if either one occurs, I don't hold any special emotions about it. I can't.
......It's a drug that makes you do nothing but lie in bed and stare up at the ceiling.
Only people who have taken it will know just how much of a horrifying and painful drug it is.
On top of that, the most horrifying point about this drug is the fact that you can't realize that it's horrifying while you're taking it.
......In a fuzzy state day after day, not being able to realize that it's a horrifying drug, forced to take them one after another, I continue to lose myself forever.
That's why... when that drug's effect runs out by some mistake or chance,
I realized that I must never ever take that drug again.
......That's right. This is no treatment medicine. This is a poison that's made to kill me slowly.
If I continue to take it at this rate, one day I'll end up stuck in a state where I won't even be able to tell if I was dead or alive, and become unable to regain myself ever again for sure.
......Simply looking up at the ceiling emotionlessly, staring at the hands on the clock circling around for eternity.
If I take that drug again, I will lose the sanity that I have finally regained.
...And I may never be able to regain myself ever again.
...The day I became aware of that, I began to pretend to take the drugs and then throwing them away later.
"When you get medicines from the doctor, you must keep taking them until the very end, even after your conditions have recovered"
That's mother's voice.
It's the voice of mother, said to me everytime I received medicines at the hospital when I was little.
It's the voice of mother, who lectured me for not taking the remaining medicines since I usually get all better before they run out.
But this drug is different.
I can't even remember how old I was when she said that to me, but I chased mother's voice, telling me to continue taking this poisonous capsule until the very last one, out of my head.
I hold onto my head tightly with my elbows, and squeezed hard until my head hurts.... chasing out the thought telling me to keep taking the drug, and mother's voice....
That's right.... As the fog in my head clears up, I remembered my once-gentle mother's ugly true form.
Mother betrayed the family.
......She betrayed me and father, who waited at home for her return with a meal for prepared for 3.
She betrayed the trust of our family, and went to secretly meet with another man behind our backs, saying she's busy with work while setting herself up with another family.
This alone is already a serious betrayal, but mother went ahead and committed yet another serious crime by cutting off her relationship with father, who has been watching after her all this time.
But there's something that's even more unforgivable.
...And that is trying to invite me into a foreign family. She didn't invite father, only me.
Father and I are family.
Family means being together.
And she tried to break up that family. Not satisified with her own affair, she even tried to tear apart the relationship between father and I.
That's right, that's right, now that I remember all this, it really is such an unforgivable, irritating thing, no amount hate is enough.......
The back of my eyes began to hurt, even I can tell that the intense emotions of hatred is causing my face to become distorted.
The overflowing, unstoppable hatred is not stopping with only the hate for mother, it's also directed towards the man that she had the affair with.
......The man she had the affair with.
Akihito-ojisan.
I was a little weak against him since he liked to tease me a lot, but he was a fun person who always gave me spending money and tried to make me happy.
I really liked him.
But that niceness was part of the scheme.
It's all part of the scheme created to crush the family bond between me and father and mother.
......That's why I shouldn't have said that I really liked Akihito-ojisan...!
That's right that's right. I'm getting it now, I'm remembering it now. I'm understaning who my real enemy is now.
It's Akihito-ojisan's fault that mother had the affair.
Because mother really was a good mother.
It was Akihito-ojisan who turned her into a bad mother.
That's why the baddest person here is Akihito-ojisan.
When was the first time Akihito-ojisan appeared in front of me?
When I was out together with mother one time...... while we were having lunch at a department store somewhere, he ate together with us, referring to himself as one of mother's friend at the company. That was the first time, I think?
Back then.... If I think about it, for the very first time back then.
Didn't I feel some form of oddness and disgust towards how mother talked to Akihito-ojisan?
That's right that's right, I did feel it. I thought it was weird. I felt disgusted....... I should've trusted that instinctive feel.
...Believing that Akihito-ojisan is a nice person just because he gave me the strawberry on the shortcake, what a naive person I was...!
Father is not responsible at all.
Because father never met with Akihito-ojisan.
But I'm responsible.
...I have met with the enemy Akihito-ojisan many times, and I had plenty of chance to recognize him as the enemy.
In other words, if I had the strong will to protect the happiness that I had at the time, then I should've been able to resist against all those small deceptions and recognize that man as the enemy...!
I can't forget what father looked like on that day.
I can't forget that gentle and kind father...... grabbing onto his own knees, crying with falling tears dripping down on that day.
Did you know about Akihito-ojisan?
Father asked me, and I answered, yeah, I knew.
And then, father slapped me.
......Being slapped, I finally realized it.
I realized just how foolish I was to be wooed by that man.
That's right that's right... it's my fault.
...The little happiness that I wished would continue forever was smashed into pieces by my own hands.
If I wasn't so foolish, then dad wouldn't have shed those tears on that day, and mom would've stayed a good mom.
If I wasn't so foolish......! It's my fault, it's my fault...!!
I can't forgive mother, I can't forgive Akihito-ojisan.
Ahh, and I can't forgive myself for having cursed them this much, yet still adding that affectionate "ojisan" after his name even now ...!!
It was my fault, everything was my fault!
Things ended up like this because I was foolish and stupid!!
Such hate and sadness, and regret and anger!
I thought of tearing mother apart with these two hands if she ever returned to this house again!!
But mother never returned again.
Nowhere else to go, my angers were directed towards everything that mother left behind that I could lay my hands on.
I smashed everything that mother left behind in the house, from one end to another.
I smashed, and bashed.
But that wasn't enough to calm my anger.
Even after the interior of the house was looking like it was flipped upside down, my lost anger was not calmed in the least bit.
Where does anger gather? It surges out from deep within my chest, flows through my arms, gathers at my fingertips, and gushes out from my nails.
Who else can I throw my anger against? ......When I thought about that, I naturally directed my nails at my own body.
That's right, right now, my own body itself is accursed and filthy. I'm the main culprit of everything, so I'm the worst.
Nonono, I'm not the worst, mother is the worst, mother is the filthiest! Her body and heart are all filthy!! Enough to completely defile Ryuugu Reina, and to turn what remains into thin meat slices!!
And one day, I finally learned about it.
I learned that within the blood that's inside me, within the blood vessels, are filled with squirming maggots.
That's right, I was rotten after getting dirtied. I was rotting away from the inside. I should be rotten, go ahead and rot away...!! But, it's so indescribably itchy, so itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy!
Inside the bathroom, I thrusted a razor blade into a thick-looking blood vessel in my leg.
*plop plop plop*
Blood surged out with a plop.
And then dark reddish, disgusting looking maggots spilled out.
While enduring the cold shivers, I stuffed my two thumbs into my leg, and pried the blood vessel open.
The maggots spilled out, wriggle, wriggle, wriggle wriggle wriggle, wriggle wriggle wriggle wriggle wriggle...!!
All these maggots spilled out from only a single blood vessel in my left leg. If that's so, then the blood vessels in my right leg must be stuffed with just as many as well. No, and the blood vessels in my calf too, the blood vessels in my arms too, my stomach and waist, chest, nononono, just how many maggots are stuffed within the blood vessels in my neck...!!?
Amazingly, even while becoming so excited by the heat of this madness, I also managed to maintain my calmness at the same time.
"Ahh, if I open up all the blood vessels in my body, then I'll end up dying in the end", I thought with relative calmness.
But I'm responsible for everything, I'm the one who's most at fault.
Even if I made it mother's fault, there's nothing left I can use to defile her.
......Ahh, so that's it, I see.
"This is the best way to put an end to my angers".... I thought with incredible calmness at the time, I believe.
In order for me to forgive my own body...... A "fault" other than my own is needed. The fault of someone besides me. But no such thing exists. No matter how I think about it, no matter how I try to bend it, defiling my own body is the only outlet for my anger. That's why, as long as a "fault" other than my own doesn't exist, I'll have to continue opening up all the blood vessels in my body like this.
Just like how an itchy spot is never satisified no matter how many times you scratch it, my body is never satisfied no matter how many times I slash it. The bathroom has become stained all red by my filthy, sticky blood. I suppose it's probably a horrifying and gruesome scenary from a third person's point of view.
Although I pretend to be calm, the sharp pain that's running through my whole body cannot be fooled. Maybe because too much blood were lost, or perhaps because I have exposed my naked body inside a cold bathroom for too long, my whole body feels cold, as if it's frozen from within. But my whole body hurts with stinging pain, my heart rings like a quick bell. It's so cold and hot, and painful and sad and irritating.
......I wished from the bottom of my heart for something that would grant me forgiveness.
At that moment...... She came.
It's as if she arrived amidst a ray of divine light.
It was something mysterious, something so unbelievable with no sense of realism whatsoever.
And, she apologized.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry", she apologized.
Why is this something apologizing to me........?
An apology is something said when you admit your faults.
...This something has admitted to me the faults that she has commited, on our first meeting.
In other words, this means that......... It's not my fault at all...... and the real one at fault here is this something.
Aha......ahahahahahahahaha.........?
I dropped the razor blade weakly.
It fell into a sticky sea of blood.
All the pains in my body began to rush in
The pains that have been tearing my whole body apart are rushing in.
......Up until now, I have told myself that this pain is a punishment for myself.
But, if I'm not at fault, and the real one at fault here is this something, then I don't have to accept this pain as punishment anymore.
......That why, I don't have to defile my own body anymore.
She continued to apologize to me, while I'm covered in blood, over and over again.
She apologized to me everytime I wanted to scold myself, and always, always whispered to me that it's not my fault.
Oyashirosama exists.
She's always behind me. Petapeta, petapeta.
And everytime I felt like I couldn't endure my own sins anymore, she would apologize and tell me "it's not Reina's fault".
Everything was Oyashirosama's Curse.
...Everything went mad because we broke the rule that forbids you from leaving Hinamizawa.
...I finally remembered. When we moved away from Hinamizawa, didn't I receive a charm from an obasan living nearby? "Oyashirosama's Curse will happen if you leave Hinamazawa, so take this charm with you to keep away the bad luck", she said. That's right, I got one I got one, I did get one. I did get one that had difficult looking words written on it with a writing brush. But I don't remember seeing it again after we moved. I must've lost it while we were moving.
It can't be helped then. If Hinamizawa's people leave Hinamizawa, the curse will befall upon them, that's the rule.
Mother and I, and perhaps even Akihito-ojisan too, all became weird because of Oyashirosama's Curse.
It was nobody's fault to begin with.
Because everything was Oyashisama's Curse's fault.
It's nobody's fault, nobody nobody nobody nobody! I have finally forgiven everything. The anger that did not calm even after I smashed everything, soiled everything, and defiled my own body and mind, has finally been calmed.
Dad....... I finally understand now.
Mom leaving us, and me and dad becoming this sad too, all of it is Oyashirosama's Curse. You remember, right dad? Oyashirosama. The protector god of Hinamizawa, Oyashirosama....... Yeah, that right, isn't it? Hinamizawa's people aren't supposed to go out into the dirty world, that was the rule, right? That's why this is Oyashirosama's Curse.
If our family had never left Hinamizawa, we would've been happy even now, for sure.
Oyashirosama came to me, you know, and she told me that.
Now that I think about it, Oyashirosama has always been trying to tell me that. When mom left us, and I was left confused about how things ended up this way, not sure where I should direct my anger at, she was already behind me, always, always trying to let me know that.
She always followed me. Hitahita petapeta. But I pretended I didn't notice....Ahahahahaha, I sure am slow, aren't I? After all, I had to wait until my whole body is scarred like this before I can hear Oyashirosama's voice.
If only I was able to listen to Oyashirosama's voice more,
......Oyashirosama must have been warning me already ever since Akihito-ojisan showed up, I bet.
Because, because, if we went back to Hinamizawa as a family, then mom wouldn't have cheated.
The three of us would've been able to live in Hinamizawa happily as a family.
Oyashirosama has been always, always, that's right, that's right, Hasn't Oyashirosama always been trying to tell us that ever since we left Hinamizawa?
She has always been with me. Always, always followed me everywhere. I was foolish for dismissing it as my own imagination and pretending to ignore it.......That's right, this is all because of my foolishness.... If I had noticed Oyashirosama's voice, then our family wouldn't have been hit with the misfortune from the curse...! I was foolish, stupid, everything's my fault!! Ahhhhh Oyashirosama's apologizing and apologizing again, apologizing and saying that it's her fault that things became like this...!!
That's right that's right, it's not my fault, right? All of this is Oyashirosama's Curse's fault, right? She's apologizing, she's apologizing, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry! Oyashirosama's apologizing again and again!! That's why I'm sorry too I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!! For not being able to hear your voice I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!!
We people of Hinamizawa were supposed to always listen to your words too!! Ahh, she exists, she exists, Oyashirosama exists!
You can't hear her, dad? You can't see her? She apologizing over there right now, I'm sorry I'm sorry!! I'll apologize too, dad apologize with me too. Mom don't have to apologize, mom can just go to hell from Oyashirosama's Curse!! I hate mom I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her!! I hate how mom's blood is flowing within me, I hate it I hate it!! These maggots are all mom's fault too, the maggots in my blood are squirming and it's itchy!!
I'm sorry I'm sorry!! I'm sorry I'm sorry! No, I don't want it, I'm not taking that drug!! That's the poison capsule that mom prepared to kill me with! That's why I don't want it, I'm not taking it!! I said I'm not taking it, stop it stop it!! This is a curse so it can't be cured with drugs! The maggots in my body can't be cured with drugs, because it's a curse!! I don't want injections either, stop it stop it!! It hurts, it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts...!!!
.........The world fades into a grey color.
The clamoring voices of dad and the doctor feels like something happening far away.
No, even things that happened just now feels like something from long ago.
...And then, I was given that capsule again, and even those vivid memories just now were buried into the other side of the forgotten realm....
.
.
.
.........I'm in the bed again, staring up at the ceiling.
Only moving things enter my eyes, and all I have care for are the hands on the clock.
......Tick tock, tick tock.
I'm only following the minute hand circling around, and the hour hand circling slo~wly around with my eyes.
I can see something else as well.
Just like the hands on the clock, it's also repeating the same thing over and over again.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's my fault, I'm sorry...... Oyashirosama continues to apologize.
Tick tock, tick tock, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Tick tock, tick tock, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
...Those are the only things that kept on repeating o~ver and o~ver again..........
The evening cries of the higurashis sneaking in from outside the window sounded extra loud for some reason....