[spawnofthejudge]

Originally Posted by yezhanquan

Post One snip

Originally Posted by yezhanquan

Post Two snip

Not a bad start . Here are the things I spotted on first viewing:

Spoiler for Suggestions:

• Louise should have to work harder than a single battle before her whole squad would accept her. Maybe a few after the first battle, more after the second (when the Feds became more serious) and have her win over the cocky sniper in an unorthodox way (my idea: she wins him over after about three battles, but doesn't find out until a key moment in the fight against Squad 7)
• "Mark" and "Marcus" are really close in name; consider changing one of them.
• Why did Louise have the Darcsen members of her squad fight in hats? For fear of persecution from other squads? For fear of persecution from within? From Squad 7?
• The Rats win every battle? That's... weird. Welkin is known for taking unorthodox tactics and making them work. While he would not outmaneuver Louise every time and work her into a corner, the reverse is also true. If the Rats are a 'Match' and 'foil' to Squad 7, neither would be able to keep the upper hand for long, if at all.
• Taking from this, you could have Welkin win a major engagement and on the follow up that might break the back of the Rats, Selvaria is with them because Max saw the potential but thought with his own leader present, the Rats would be able to finish off the upstart Gallian Squad. Then, the events that reveal the Biggest Spoiler In This Forum (TM) would largely remain the same as they were in the game, other than perhaps the result of the battle between the Valkyria.
• Welkin acts Out Of Character any time you have him deploy the Valkyria on purpose. In order to get her into her Valkyria form, you likely need to injure her again OR have her go against her orders. Welkin would not deploy her by choice. This is a huge plot point in the game.
• When disarmed, a Valkyria loses her blue flame and special abilities, with the highly notable exception of her Final Flame. Note that when the other Valkyria manages to disarm Selvaria in their battle at Naggiar, Selvaria lost her blue flame immediately; even before she closed her eyes.
• What was the point behind having members of Squad 7 be captured?
• Do remember that the main army was not useless; Squad 7 was not the one and only reason that Gallia was able to hold back the assault of the Empire. And here's the biggest rub: Squad 7 didn't really get famous with the enemy until The Reveal. Or possibly Gregor's death.

Seesh. I'm so picky