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Quote:
Originally Posted by KeithKurogane
Hi guys... need a bit of your opinion for Accelerated Zombie.
Spoiler for Accelerated Zombie Prologue v0.7:
Arita Haruyuki sighed as he pulled the curtain towards him to cover the area where he is sitting while blankly stared at the teacher who continues his lecture about the evolution of the Information Age and the Neuro-Sychronization technology. He was about to take notes when a pop-up window intruded his vision.
<<You have received a new mail.>>
‘Seriously, those guys…’ He groaned as he decided to ‘play’ along with them again. Opening the mail, his vision was suddenly flooded by confetti and stuff and his mind was bombarded by loud party-like music. He was able to suppress his surprise. ‘How childish…’
He was the usual target by bullies in Umesato Junior High because he usually doesn’t fight back and he always stays in the shadows and doesn’t go out openly in the sun. The only days where he can be seen out in the open is during cloudy weather. When the teachers asked why he is like that, he usually answers:
“I can’t stand under the sun.”
The teachers, though a bit baffled at his answer, let him slide off since he has above average grades.
He gave a different answer to his childhood friend, Kurashima Chiyuri.
“Something happened in Tokyo during my vacation there.”
No one knew what happened to him in Tokyo, so they just ignored him and went on their own lives.
Haruyuki however, still remember what happened that time, it was three years ago yet it feels like it just happened yesterday. It was the night where his view towards reality has flipped upside-down.
The time where he was stabbed by a katana from the back…
The time where he saw his own reflection through the said katana as he feel his warm blood flowing out of him…
The time where he knew he has dying…
The time where the last thing he saw before he died was the assailant’s katana…
The time where he woke up in a cemetery and meeting them…
The time where he was resurrected and turned into a zombie.
He was snapped out of his reverie when the school bell sounded.
“Oh boy… here we go again.” He muttered to himself as he packed his things and proceeded to a place where no one can trouble him… the library.
“And look at him go.” One of the bullies said while looking at Haruyuki’s retreating form.
“Just ignore him for the meantime Araya,” Another bully said to his companion, “I’m hungry.”
-=0=-
Haruyuki has been wondering for a quite a while why he can still use his Neuro-Linker even though he’s a zombie now. He asked a few people during his stay in Tokyo and their answers were not exactly on the scientific side, aside from one of them.
Haruna told him some unexplainable jargon before concluding it’s a mystery of the universe.
Ariel also sprouted some unessential jargon before saying something about giving him a ‘thorough’ examination. The blush on her face when she said the word ‘examination’ says otherwise.
Chris, who he met along the way, told him that he has a unique mana… and he was almost pulled to the nearest bar just to drink with her.
Eu, on the other hand, wrote something that is more believable. It could be that he may be introduced to the Neuro-Linker during birth and it stayed with him until he was resurrected.
Upon arriving at the library, he quickly went to his usual place. A corner in the room where no one will notice him and directly way from the sunlight that seeps through the windows.
“Direct Link.” He muttered to himself and after a while, he found himself in the Umesato Junior High Virtual Network.
On an avatar that looks like a pig.
It wasn’t his choice since the bullies were able to get his Neuro-Linker and was able to fiddle with it. He doesn’t care about his appearance though.
“Oh, it’s Vice- President!” one of the avatars spoke.
Turning around, he found himself looking at one of the most popular people in Umesato Junior High, both in the virtual world and the real world.
Kuroyukihime.
Every time he looks at her, she reminds him of Seraphim; though Kuroyukihime is much more refined in her actions. Like a classic yamato nadeshiko.
‘Sadly, Kuroyukihime doesn’t have Sera’s large-’ He mentally stopped himself from completing that train of thought. ‘Damnit, did that Orito guy corrupted me?’
The then proceeded towards his destination, completely missing the fact that Kuroyukihime was looking at him.
-=0=-
“DAMNIT!” Haruyuki let out a string of swear words after missing the ball on the game of squash. “JUST AN INCH! JUST ONE FUCKING INCH!”
“Oh… so this is where hiding! You’re no where to be found during lunchtime so I decided to look for you.” A familiar voice spoke, “And, did you just swear?”
“Ah… Chiyu…” He was about to explain himself on the swearing part but he was cut off when his childhood friend let out a yelp of surprise.
“What on Earth! Level 152?! 2.68 million points?!”
“Heh. I can do better than that.” he boasted, but his answer just annoyed her.
“Are you stupid?! Log off right now!”
“No way! I can do whatever I want!”
“I see. It’s how it is huh.” She pouted before saying. “Link out!”
After seeing his friend’s avatar dissolve, he decided to go for another round of squash.
‘I need to get fas-’ his thought was interrupted when he felt something from the real realm hit him. He then found himself back in the library; only with someone else who is now standing right in front of him.
“Link out by force, take that.” Chiyuri said with a victorious grin.
“Ouch, that hurts.” Haruyuki lied. A regular human needs to unlock the 100% threshold of it’s limiter in order to properly hurt him. ‘But then again, nothing hurts like getting a chainsaw stabbed through my stomach.’ He thought.
“ru? Haru?! Are you listening?!”
“Ahahaha. Sorry Chiyu, I spaced out for a moment there.”
“Mou. You really changed ever since you went back from Tokyo.” She pouted.
“Hahaha.” He then began to scratch the back of his head nervously.
“Can’t you really tell me what happened to you in Tokyo?” She asked as she did her ‘kitten eyes technique’.
“Well… you see…” his eyes then drifted to the basket she is carrying. “You haven’t eaten yet?”
“Ah!” She was snapped out of her technique and answered, “I was hoping we could eat lunch together.”
“I would like to but-” He knows his bullies were still out to get him and he doesn’t like the idea of getting caught by them along with Chiyuri. And the last time he heard, she has a boyfriend.
“Then let’s eat here.” She said as she opened the basket which contained various sandwiches.
“Hey, the Head Librarian might cau-” He was cut off when he received a mail. Opening it, he found out it was from the Head Librarian.
<<I got your backs, just gimme some later.>>
Seeing that Chiyuri also got the same message, he replied to the Head Librarian.
<<Thank you ferret.>>
“Stop calling me ferret!” the voice of the annoyed Head Librarian was heard, eliciting giggles from those who are in the library.
-=0=-
After thanking Chiyuri for the nice lunch, he went back to the Umesato Virtual Network to continue playing squash, only to be surprised at the score board.
<<UNKNOWN, Level 166, 3.76 million points>>
“No way.” His previous scores were not just beaten; they were completely outclassed by a considerable amount.
“Are you the one who logged those ridiculously high scores?” A female voice asked.
Looking at the source of the voice, he saw it came from the Vice-President herself, Kuroyukihime.
“Do you want to accelerate to the next level, young man?” She asked. “Then show up in the lounge tomorrow noon.”
He blinked for a moment; only to find out she was gone already.
Her words caught his curiosity though.
“Tomorrow then.” He muttered as he decided to try beating the score of the unknown player, which he definitely knew was registered by Kuroyukihime.
-=0=-
So the next day, Haruyuki went to the lounge and met up with Kuroyukihime. A few moments later, he found himself sitting in front of the beautiful Vice-President and having tea with her while getting shocked stares from the other students in the lounge.
“…”
“…”
The silence between the two was thick. No one dared approach them for the fear of upsetting either of the two.
Kuroyukihime then pulled out a long cable and connected one end on her Neuro-Linker and she then offered the other end to Haruyuki.
He was about to comment that this type of communication is usually done by lovers, but he decided to keep it to himself when the remembered the instances his senior, Aikawa Ayumu, found himself into for making bad comments. So he took the offered end of the cable and connected it on his Neuro-Linker.
“I’m sorry for calling you all the way here, Arita Haruyuki.” She spoke mentally.
“It’s alright.” He replied, “Anyways, what is this ‘accelerate to the next level’ you’re talking about?”
“It’s better if I send the program to you.”
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So far, you are holding my interest, but the dialogue is a little dry.and at times clumsy- especially towards the end. You might to pay more attention to tone of voice, ambiance and surroundings as well as Haru's internal thoughts, since it seems that we are looking at this story from his POV. Else, you run the risk of a dialogue-response-action style of writing, which can get quite repetitive.
For instance, especially at the end, what is the reaction of the rest of the room when Haru plugged on the Neurolinker.
What of physical descriptions? Beautiful doesn't simply cut it, for example - what does Haru think of that kind of beauty? What is Haru feeling? What is the mood of the rest of the room? There's a lot of small little touches you can make to improve this Snippet. How does this Haru look like? Still short and obese? Or perhaps physically different ( less pudgier, still short, but not grossly fat, etc, etc.) after his time in Tokyo?
It's a respectable effort, with an interesting premise that I hope will derail canon quickly, but there's quite alot of room of improvement. The premise grips me, but your writing hasn't exactly yet.
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