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I started smoking because I was having a very difficult day. I used to buy two small cigars and sit out with a friend to smoke them once in a blue moon to relax and talk but my friend wasn't around that day to talk to about my stresses. So in a moment of temptation I saw a pack of cigarettes behind the counter of a gas station and bought it.
My first one was rough. I probably only smoked half of it. But my daily stresses didn't stop. So it became a habit, when I got home from work at 2 am, to sit outside and have one cigarette. After a while, I started smoking more than one as an excuse to sit outside and relax longer.
Then it just became a regular thing. I knew my most of my friends and family didn't like the smoke so I never smoked around them. I don't smoke around kids, or work, or strangers (if they are moving to me and I can't get away, I put it out). Basically, the only time I smoke is when I'm traveling in my car or when I'm at home.
I've managed to quit once. I was very sick for a week and could barely eat or drink let alone smoke. After that week I realized I had no cravings for cigarettes anymore so I stopped. I was smoke free for almost a year when I had a friend come over to my house and he had cigarettes. His girlfriend had just left him so he was a wreck and he was smoking because he felt it calmed him down. Since he was chain smoking, I got tempted and spent the night smoking with him. After that, I became a regular smoker again.
I've tried a few times to quit since then but it's hard, especially after the first day. I get crabby, anxious, I feel sick and I have a very short temper. I keep wanting to do something, anything to keep my hands busy but it's never enough.
I don't smoke near as much as I used to (half pack a day now compared to one pack a few months ago) and of the cigarettes I light up most just sit in the ashtray or my hands and never reach my mouth. I guess you could call it a waste of money but that's my personal choice and I don't really enjoy people telling me what I should do with it.
I'm trying the "weaning" approach now instead of cold turkey. Because my only success was when I was terribly sick (I hope to never go through that again), I suspect that was what allowed me to get through the withdrawal's without noticing. The quitting programs never really worked for me, but I think this is.
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