Quote:
Originally Posted by Fome
"Hey,
I know you haven't heard from me for a while. To tell you the truth, I thought you didn't even want to be friends anymore, so it was hard to talk to you. But I want to set things right, because we've been friends for so long, and it would be a dumb of me to just walk away from that. The whole romance thing didn't work out at all, that's for sure. I definitely messed up a lot. There's a first time for everything, but that's no excuse for the way I acted sometimes. Still, just to set the record straight, whatever Beau said about me was total garbage--the things he said have no basis whatsoever. Really, I just want to talk this out sometime. I don't want to lose you as a friend."
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I might have gone for something along those lines as well. The original message is sincere, but I just don't like that line about "I'm sorry I hurt you." Did you really hurt her? I thought that was what we were all puzzling over - what it was that set her off against you. The leading theory so far was that Beau told some lies and got her bothered. Why are you accepting the blame for that guy's lies?
This applies to anyone who has a soft, kind demeanor. I think most of us like that want to accept the blame and self-sacrifice if it'll make things right, but it doesn't help you. Do it too often, and you may find yourself in an abusive relationship.
Personal story, back to the first girl I dated (the one who claimed I was a poor communicator) - basically, in the process of ending our romantic relationship and reverting it back to friendship, she got very angry at me (not sure why, but I guess the realization that she was being dumped did it) and, after about 30 minutes of psuedo arguing over nothing, she claimed my voice was giving her a headache and hung up on me. I figured that was the end of it, but the next day she called me up and demanded an apology.
I tried my best to hold back laughter, and asked her what she thought I should apologize over. She basically felt that I had been extremely rude and inappropriate, and some other things. If that's how she felt, no use in arguing over it - I apologized for that. I eventually managed to cool her down and we discussed it rationally. She asked if I didn't want to try again at the end of it (as a romantic relationship), and I had to say no, let's keep it as friends. What happened in between the beginning and the ending was that I had to assert myself, let her know when she was saying things that were ridiculous, and so on. If I'd just said "oh I need to apologize? I'm so sorry, you're right, I was totally out of line..." would I be in any place to have done that?
You need to stick up for yourself. If someone's upset and you did something wrong, I think it's obvious that you need to apologize. If someone's upset and accusing you of things when you're totally innocent, you need to judge whether it's appropriate to accept it, or to fight it. It's not always in your best interests to be a punching bag. Being diplomatic - being able to have a give-and-take discussion, especially when emotions are heated - is incredibly difficult, but this is how you create stronger relationships and come out with more respect.