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Master of the Shiny Crack
 Author
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a cave
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@.@ well here's the crack that's been boiling in the IRC (both the FFC and the OCC. The ideas came from everyone who was there really. Tempest, I think, came up with the original idea, which proceeded to get bounced around, with apologies to everyone featured I promise I mean everything in the most loving way possible.
Monty Khrack and The Holy Flail
Spoiler for Here it is:
Clip clop clop clop clip.
Clop clop clip.
Clippity clippity cloppity clop-
“STOP THAT!”
“I just wanted to have a bit of fun sire,” The loyal servant of Yuuno, King of Mid-Childa, Chrono pouted and lipped his coconut halves in his hands.
The king raised a hand, “We’re looking for brave knights, that’s why we’ve come to this castle.”
“
They coconuted their way up to the wall of a castle. “Hello! We’re looking for brave knights!”
“Who you supposed to be?” the guard, a glasses wearing green haired man.
“Well I’m Yuuno king of the Mid-Childians!”
“How do I know that?”
Yuuno blinked, no one had actually contested his kingship before. “Well the lady of the lake gave me this particularly shiny sword.” He drew said sword.
“Well that doesn’t prove anything. And where’d you get the coconut’s anyway?”
“Well we found them.”
“Found them? There aren’t any oceans here!”
“Well birds move around.”
“That doesn’t mean coconuts migrate!”
“Well maybe… it was carried! By… by a swallow.”
“What the hell are you on?”
“Well if he gripped it by the husk…”
“It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.”
“Well I say it could and I’m the main character.”
“Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow nids to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?”
“Oh oh but what if he was really really big!” A brown haired man popped up next to him. “And the coconut was very very small!”
“You’re just being stupid.” Neither noticed that the king had left.
“Bring out your dead!” Tempest walked throughout the city with his cart of corpses. “Any dead around here?”
“I got one,” a woman dragged out what looked to be a lazy, khrack addled man by the ear.
“But I’m not dead Anita,” the man appeared to be crying.
“Well I can’t take him if he isn’t dead,” Tempest pointed out.
“Oh he’ll be dead soon.”
“I’m getting better,” Kha croaked.
“Dead within a few minutes.”
“I don’t want to go in the cart.”
“Don’t be such a baby!”
“I have to keep going on,” Tempest pointed out.
“Can’t you do anything?” Anita pleaded.
“I feel fine. I might even write somethi-” CLONK!
Tempest put his shovel back in his cart and tossed Kha in his cart. “Who’s that then?”
“How should I know? I’m just a peasant.”
“Must be a king, he has coconuts after all.”
King Yuuno continued his journey, carefully avoiding any areas that might make his servant want to blow them up. Unfortunately he couldn’t seem to find anyone that would want to be his knight.
Kha and his servant coconuted across the land and were still coconuting when they came to a stop in front of a mighty looking Black Knight.
“Would you like to be my knight?” Yuuno asked the Black Knight. “You can be the first one.”
“No.” The Black Knight, who’s real name was Zest, was quite annoyed by the king, who was rather noisy. “None shall pass.”
“Well… please?”
“No.”
“I’ll fight you then!” The King drew his sword. “Come on!”
The king’s version of fighting was in fact just waving about his sword on the off chance he hit someone. Luckily for him Zest hadn’t quite gotten enough sleep the previous night and was clumsy enough to let Yuuno cut off his arm.
“Well see I won!” Yuuno was quite happy and motioned for Chrono keep coconuting.
“Not yet,” Zest attacked him with the other arm.
Yuuno quickly flailed off his other arm. “Alright now—”
Zest kicked Yuuno, “It’s only a flesh wound.”
One less leg later Yuuno found Zest was still trying attack him.
“Are you going to BLEED me to death?”
“I can take you!”
One stroke later Yuuno and Chrono were happily on their way while the black Knight tried to wiggle after them.
“Witch she’s a witch!”
“Burn her burn the witch!”
The peasant mob dragged a woman to the front. She’d been dressed up in a witch’s costume, complete with a witch nose. “I’m not a witch! My name is Kriss!”
Nanoha, the wisest person in town, looked down from her pedestal, “you sure look like a witch.”
“That doesn’t mean I am one! And they dressed me up like this!” She pointed down at the crowd of men.
Nanoha raised an eyebrow. “Is this true?”
A man named Shou looked slightly embarrassed, “Well yeah…”
“But she’s been stripping women only using hand signals!” PF argued, “So we must burn her!”
“Now now,” Nanoha waved her hand, “We will nid proof of her witchdom.” She took out Raising Heart. “Now if she survives the blast from Raising Heart—”
“Wait wait wait!” The men cried out not wanting to be breaker’d to next Tuesday.
Nanoha sighed, “fine. We’ll do it the scale way. Look alright witches burn because~”
“I set them on fire!” PF offered.
“Wrong because they’re made of wood and wood floats. Now what else floats?”
“GUNDAMS!” Someone in the back yelled.
“A duck.”
Everyone turned to see King Yuuno walk up.
“Exactly. So we weigh the duck against the witch and if they weigh the same…”
“She’s a witch!” The guys cheered and ran off to test it out.
“Who are you who is so intelligent?” Nanoha asked Yuuno.
Yuuno blushed for he found the somewhat crazy woman very cute. “King Yuuno…”
“Oh my a king.”
“Would you… maybe… I dunno be one of my knights?”
“Cool!”
And so the brave Sir Nanoha the Devil joined King Yuuno. She was soon followed by Sir Lanzalot who was definitely not the witch in the previous scene, Sir Fate the not-interested-Naoha-take-a-hint, Sir Wanwan who tries-really-really-hard-not-to-be-a-perv who nose blood had created several rivers and the aptly named Sir not-appearing-in-this-crack.
“And that my liege is how I came to know all of Fate’s measurements.” Nanoha nodded proudly.
Yuuno looked amazed. “I never knew Sir Fate had such larg—”
“It’s all a lie!” Fate cried.
Meanwhile Sir Wanwan had been bleeding since the beginning of Nanoha’s story.
“Look my liege!” Sir Lanzalot yelled out.
“Outer Cadia!” Yuuno gasped, looking at his capital.
“Actually that’s outer Cadia Zwei,” Chrono pointed out.
“No one cares Chrono.”
Yuuno remembered his city.
“FOR OUTERCADIA!”
“HAXX IT’S HAXX!”
“I’m thinking we do a crossover with EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD. Nanoha vs. Ronald McDonald vs. Chuck Norris anyone?”
“KHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
“…no this sucks.”
Yuuno gulped. “Well, on second thought, let's not go to Outer Cadia-- it is a silly place.”
“Right right.”
They continued on. When suddenly a booming voice changed everything.
“Yuuno! Yuuno~”
The King and his entourage immediately fell to their knis.
“No no! How many times to I have to say it? I’m not a god!”
Sir Lanzalot argued, “But Satashi-sam-”
“NO! NO! SAMA OR I’LL STRIKE YOU DOWN!” Satashi boomed from heaven.
They all stood up.
“What are you doing now?”
“I’m averting my eyes,” Yuuno was looking away.
“No no no don’t do that!”
“But you don’t like me!”
“I like you fine.”
“But you write all that NanoFate stuff,” Yuuno sniffled.
“NanoFate?” Wanwan passed out.
“That doesn’t mean I don’t like you. Now I have a very very very important quest for you. You will find my hold flail!”
“How does god lose their flail?” Nanoha asked.
Satashi glared at her, “Here’s some Fate doujin’s, don’t ask me that again.”
“Agreed!”
Yuuno put a hand to his chest, “Oh G- Satashi we will find your flail. But please… write me some Yuunoha,” he started crying.
Satashi started to disappear, “Oh Angel’s calling me bye~”
“Y-You didn’t answer Satashi!”
“Now I’ve heard the flail is in that castle.” Yuuno pointed to a very ordinary looking castle. However the mere mention of it made everyone pale.
“But isn’t that Touhou castle?” Fate asked.
“Touhou!” Lanzalot’s eyes lit up.
“Touhou?” Wanwan’s nose suddenly flooded at the memory of images.
“Yes,” Yuuno nodded seriously. “Now let’s go ask them.”
The brave knights walked up to the castle.
An oddly dressed person greeted them. “What do you want?”
“We’re looking for Satashi’s flail have you seen it?”
“No. Now goodbye.”
“WAIT!” Yuuno yelled.
“If you do not go I will send Yuyuko to eat you all.”
“I am king of this land! And I demand your help!”
“I am not Mid-Childian!”
“Then what are you?”
“I’m French! And they’re all from Gensokyo, you silly king.”
“Then me and my knights will take your castle!”
“Your grammar is crap. You don't frighten us, pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Yuuno-king, you and all your silly yuri fangirls. Thppppt!”
“Maybe we should leave,” Wanwan offered.
“TO THE GROUND!” Nanoha yelled, “let’s break ‘em to the ground.”
“I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.”
“Is there someone else up there we could talk to?” Fate asked.
“No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!”
“Now listen here!” Yuuno shouted.
“Fetchez la Marcia!”
A blond girl walked up to the edge of the castle.
“Blast them good!”
Nanoha stepped forward, “I’ll show yo-”
“Run away!” Fate and Lanzalot grabbed Nanoha and dashed away with her.
They all ran far far away.
The story of Sir Wanwan
After being utterly defeated at castle Touhou, King Yuuno and his women decided to go their separate ways. Sir Wanwan went north with her minstrels.
Tempest who had given up being a mortician for the life of a minstrel followed Wanwan through the forest while singing.
“Chastely chaste Sir Wanwan, rode forth from Cadia.
She would never bleed oh no, o chaste Sir Wanwan.
She was not at all affected by temptations of the flesh.
Chaste, chaste, chaste, chaste Sir Robin!
She was not at all effected by breasts pressed in her face.
Or by braless bouncing chests and pantless women
To watch a magical girl transform and a loli at that,
She self-censors yes, chaste Sir Wanwan!
She can watch girls with breasts the size of balloons
With their hands moving towards other girls
And their shirts off and their pants going,
And their soggy muffins—"
“T-that’s enough music,” Wanwan gulped and held her nose.
They kept riding on until they exited the forest, then to their shock, there in the dark Wanwan spotted the holy flail, don’t ask how she could spot a flail, on highest window of a giant castle.
They rode forth towards the castle. Wanwan knocked on the door. “Excuse me! Excuse me! I’m looking for Satashi’s flail!”
The door open revealing a very lovely brown haired woman, “Oh~ you know Satashi? We love Satashi.” She welcomed Wanwan in, “but the men have to stay outside,” she pointed at her minstrels.
Wanwan shrugged and left them behind.
“Now welcome good knight to the castle Fon Filia,” Hayate swept her arm around the giant castle seemingly filled with only women, and a particularly shiny sword.
“I’m looking for the flail!”
“Yes yes, You look very tired. Saharet, Nikki~”
Two women popped up from the stairwell, “yes master!”
“Please prepare a bed for Wanwan.”
Wanwan gulped and turned red. “N-no that’s not necessary. If you’ll just point me towards the flail I’ll be on my way.”
Hayate forced Wanwan onto a bed. “Don’t be rude Sir Knight. Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between fifteen and twenty something, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing, playing yakyuken… We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here.” She looked between Wanwan’s legs. “Oh, but you are wounded!”
“I’m fine!”
“You must see our doctor! Shamal!”
“That’s not nided!”
Shamal walked in and kniled in front of Wanwan. “Ah yes,” she stuck her head between Wanwan’s legs for a better view.
Wanwan stood up, “I have to find the flail!” She ran out of the room and right into…
… the giant… communal… bathroom.
“Want a bath Wanwan?” The girl’s asked in unison.
“Hayate!” Wanwan ran for Hayate who was standing in the back.
The girl, who was in fact not Hayate, looked surprised. “I’m Naolin.”
Wanwan started to leave.
“Where are you going?” Naolin asked.
Wanwan turned, “I seek the flail! I have seen it, here in this castle!”
Naolin held a hand to her mouth, “No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Hayate!
“What is it?” Wanwan looked concerned though she couldn’t help but notice Naolin was wearing a rather low cut dress.
“Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Hayate! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is flail-shaped. Oh dear.”
Wanwan’s eyes grew teary, “It's not the real flail?”
Naolin shook her head, “Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Hayate! Oh, she is a naughty woman, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Fon Filia, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her!”
“A spanking! A spanking!” The girls got very excited.
“You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me,” Naolin nodded very seriously.
“And spank me.” Saharet waved her hand
“And me.” Nikki looked excited
“And me,” Shamal giggled.
“Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!” Naolin announced
Wanwan paled as the girls cheered, “A spanking! A spanking!”
Naolin had one more thing to say to the knight, “And after the spanking, the oral sex.”
“Oral sex! Oral sex!”
Squirt. Wanwan lay on the ground in a bleeding heap.
“SIR WANWAN!” Sir Lanzalot burst through the doors, shielding her eyes from the nearly nude woman, luckily the steam acted as a censor bar. “Away women!” She lifted up her bleeding friend.
“No no I think I will stay,” Wanwan said dizzily.
“You will not!”
“She wants to stay,” Naolin and the other women followed them.
“Let her stay!”
“Wanwan~”
“I really think I can handle this,” Wanwan said.
“You cannot! You were about to have a giant orgy for Satashi’s sake!”
“Which I could handle!”
“The flail look for the flail!” Lanzalot kept her out of the reach of Wanwan’s fangirls.
They burst out of the building and dove behind Tempest who held the women at bay.
“A man! Run away!” The women of castle Fon Filia retreated.
“I could have done it…”
“Like hell you could have!”
“Bet you’re straight.’
“I am not!”
Meanwhile King Yuuno, Sir Nanoha and Sir Fate had found something from a certain old man.
Yuuno and his group sat in a smelly old house. “So Aaron, this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the flail?”
“Old man, where does he live?” Nanoha got directly to the point.
“He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered,” Aaron nodded sagely.
“And the flail... The flail is there?”
“Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.”
“But the Flail! Where is the Flail!?” Fate implored.
“Seek you the Bridge of Death.”
“The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Flail?
“Hee hee ha ha!”
“Fate, we should have gotten Hayate to help,” Nanoha groaned.
“She’s too busy with her castle.”
So Yuuno went into a dark and very expensive forest to find the Bridge of Death. But it wasn’t long before he ran into the residents of the forest.
“NI!”
Yuuno jumped back from the weird bodysuit wearing women who all shouted ni at him.
“We are the number who say NI!” The tallest of them, a eyepatch wearing girl who seemed to be standing on something covered by a large coat, shouted at them.
“Who?” Nanoha raised an eyebrow.
“We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nii, Pen, and Nii-wom!”
“Well we’ll be going then…”
“NI!”
Fate blinked, “That’s kind of annoying.”
“A shrubbery! If you do not get us a shrubbery we will follow you and say NI!”
“Alright alright,” Yuuno held his ears, “just don’t say it!”
So the king and his knights had a new job.
“Hey weirdo! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy
a shrubbery!” Nanoha held up a guy by his collar.
“Who sent you?” He eyed her suspiciously.
“The Knights Who Say Ni,” Fate got Nanoha to put him down.
“Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here. Plenty of nukes no shrubs!”
“If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friends and I will say... we will say... `ni',” Yuuno bent down close to his ear.
“Agh! Do your worst! I can handle it!”
“Very well! Ni!”
“No! Never! No shrubberies!”
“Noo! Noo!” Nanoha shouted.
“No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'ni',” Yuuno corrected
“Noo! Ni!”
“That's it, that's it, you've got it.” They patted Nanoha on the back.
“Are you saying 'ni' to that old woman?” Tempest, who had given up his job as Wanwan’s minstrel, sat on a large pile of shrubs.
Yuuno blinked, “Um, yes.”
“Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say `ni' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
ARTHUR: Did you say `shrubberies'?
“Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber, I used to be several other things but they were lame. My name is Tempest the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.”
Nanoha looked around, “Ni!”
“No! No, no, no! No!”
“Here’s your shrubbery,” Yuuno pushed the shrub forward.
“I’m not a plant!” Protested the shrub, who claimed they were named Nictory.
“Whatever.”
“As wonderful as this shrubbery is,” the head number said. “We are now the Numbers Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble. So we will give you a new test.”
“Hell no,” Nanoha said bluntly. “STARLIGHT…”
“OH SHI—”
“BREAKER!”
And so all the knight we reunited and well on their way to finding the flail. They just seemed to wander along until one day…
“Who are you?” Yuuno asked the tiny girl who blocked their bath.
“I am Agito the enchanter!” A tree in the background spontaneously combusted.
“We’re looking for the holy flail have you seen it?” Wanwan asked.
“Have I seen it?!?!” Several more trees combusted. “Well yes actually. In the cave up there is a message but be warned there is a fearsome beast gu—”
“Well we’ll be off then,” Yuuno and company were already on their way out.
“LISTEN WHEN PEOPLE TALK TO YOU!” The forest exploded.
“I don’t see anything fierce here,” Sir Lanzalot looked around but didn’t see any monster.
“Maybe it’s behind that little girl?” Chrono, who had long been forgotten, pointed.
The little girl in question was running out of the cave before she proceeded to trip and fall on her face.
“She’s so cute!’ Nanoha swooned, “Let’s adopt her Fate!”
Fate sighed, “Let’s not.”
Sir Vita the hothead, who had only just joined the party, “Stepped forward, I’ll go and ask her, you lot would just scare her to death.” She stepped forward. “Hey little girl have you seen the-”
Vita was flung into the air by a blue pillar that shot from the ground and became a tiny speck in the sky.
“What the hell!” The group collectively exclaimed.
Out of the cave walked a very very pissed looking blue wolf.
“Is that supposed to be her babysitter?” Yuuno asked.
“I vote we use the holy hand grenade!” Lanzalot shouted for she didn’t want to face the raging babysitter.
“Brother Tempest always carries it with him!”
Yuuno and the group ran for Brother Tempest for Tempest had entered monkdom after he learned that few people actually liked shrubs.
Brother Tempest held out the grenade. “Brother Ax,” for Tempest had brought him to the monk world as well. “Read.”
Ax brought out the big book. “"And the Satashi spoke, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it and remember I AM NOT GOD.'"
“Right!” Yuuno took the grenade and pulled the pin, “One… Two… forty-two!” he lobbed it off and blasted the girl and her guardian into the sky. But don’t worry moe blobs and puppies bounce. “Into the cave!”
Inside the cave they learned that they had to go to a rather large lake to find the flail. On their way to find the flail they ran across the bridge old man Aaron had mentioned may scenes ago. In fact old man Aaron was standing on it. But there was no more time, if this crack runs any longer they’ll have this writer’s head. So Nanoha blasted the bridge and led them to the lake.
Yuuno cried out in misery. “Where the hell is this flail?”
Just then the lady of the lake rose out. The lady of the lake, more commonly known as Signum seemed uncomfortable in her very small mini-skirt. Beside her was the other lady of the lake, Rein.
“Why Yuuno you had the flail all along!” Rein cheered while Signum looked for something to cover herself with.
Yuuno looked up at her with shiny eyes, “You mean the flail’s inside all of us?”
Rein giggled, “don’t be silly. Wanwan has it.”
Wanwan flailed about, “I didn’t know honest!”
And so the flail was returned to Satashi and all order was returned to the world.
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