Please don’t expect too much out of this; this is the plain depiction of my thoughts and
feelings.
Anything beyond this point is merely speculation from my part based on the sixth episode. This episode was centered on both Hiromi and Ai-chan, but the former easily stole the show with her
performance towards the end. It wasn't a simple confession everybody was impatiently waiting to materialize as the hints laid down since the very beginning were coming back to haunt the doubts of many over again. It was built thoroughly or perhaps
painfully slow as Hiromi was becoming more affected by the situations she was facing—having to deal with the result of her past actions as well. When the valve holding her frustration blew up, it exploded in such a fashion that Shin was allowed to become the first victim of her one occasion of selfishness. There was no longer anything that she could have done to solve the chaos she was feeling—nor was it easy to take this path without ultimately hurting herself.
Hiromi's frustration was not particularly isolated to this episode alone. It was a situation that started back then when Shin's mom told her
a incestuous secret that nonetheless changed her life 360 degrees. It was moreover in light of recent events that her feelings and emotions reached a new dimension, perhaps unknown to her, as one event led to another in a sequence of irremediable consequences.
It was a fire that could only ignite inside of her room, but its existence was somehow permitted as the result of a selfish desire. Everything that followed then would only let that fire grow as it pleased with Jun adding any other reason to be on her way. And yet again, Hiromi avoids the answer to a question more than one expects it should come out of her mouth—whether that response holds any definite true, nobody would really care. Any romantic feelings she harbors for Shin would remain an ambiguity as long as she allows herself that luxury (not that it’s always possible). She probably realized after talking with Jun that Shin’s words actually had some truth behind, though that realization was already a bit too late. That scenario was never part of what she could foresee in front of her eyes, but those words acknowledging an apology for such a
silly mistake would never find a way out of her heart. Not now when one of her fears has taken form—he was after all forcing an unwarranted relationship at her own expense.
She did not want to have other options, or perhaps it was her unconscious will to cause some sort of harm that resulted out of her frustration—she accepts then to date Jun or
use him to her own ends of escapism. Such sweet and bitter words—conveyed by a simple and yet poignant remark which strangely paralleled her situation. She couldn’t help the reminiscence of such dreadful day her life changed, and more or less, it was the snow the object of her
liking and
disliking towards certain person. Giving something she liked was hard, but Hiromi in the end was left to wonder on her own to find the answer—one whose ambiguous nature was part of herself and part of her only hope.
If being prideful has become of little concern to her or whatever she had in mind to keep her feelings deep inside, that pride has otherwise surfaced more than once to take the burden of hurting others at the cost of her own life. She was a girl after all—one who was also in the look for happiness and family, and perhaps love at the end of the spectrum. She found nothing short of accomplishing her goals but it was one of many hopes when her very own world was starting to crumble and such pride now becoming her only one companion—the medium to deny her weaknesses and the veil to hide the existence of a little girl in need of protection. If Shin would abandon his idiocy and discover he was the cause to such sadness, and his indecisions the very consequence of her attitude and behavior, her pride would have remained unopened, unknown to her present self, and yet that wasn’t what actually happened. She was looking for answers from the person closest to her, just in short to notice the suggestion she rashly made as dating
that guy on Sunday was not something she would casually say. A form of retaliation came unexpectedly, though it was by no means the reflection of her true intentions. It did, however, more than enough to still the conflict of her
enigmatic feelings—the inability to come into accord with her most personal words and frustrations, and the realization it was anger and disappointment the pivotal factors to such insecurity.
Jun may have not realized then the possibility of some ulterior motive behind the façade of his date and Hiromi did not bother to tell him either what she had in mind. She followed along as it was the one choice most available to her and soon learned that he perhaps was not really the person she had her eyes on. There was no obstacle between the two as one came to find what each needed on the other. They were far from developing the romantic verse of a platonic relationship and yet it was the case when one would come to
understand any problem. That was probably what Hiromi thought and found no impediment to let the other know—that it was the first time she went on a date. A girl who was seeking an escape to all her problems and found shortly in Jun the person with whom she could actually abide to have the confidence of trusting.
The good mood, however, was not allowed to last any longer as the shock caused by some kind of
discovery took over. It was the fact that Shin and Noe were starting to date that she would let those wounds rush opened through her mind. Her surprised face, although late to portray the effect of such words, was the plain description of many unsatisfied feelings trying to take over her world. She knew very well that any
fairness did not apply to her, but waited for her frustration to settle down without voicing anything that would compromise her situation anymore—as despair was now enough to hint her state of mind by taking the form of a hopeless soul set free to destroy the remnants of her dreams.
Part of her self faded away as those words did the damage they were meant to do. She was outside of the house protecting her interior world and soon that took its toll by letting her weak side come to her as the girl she was—succinct of having her inexperience stolen as Jun came as close as touching her sweet and fragile lips. She noticed soon enough and pulled away from the uncertainty of being the lust to somebody else, although it was not her choice to become the object of admiration to the person in front of her eyes. Those news were the foundation to all misinterpretation and yet, they were the very result of life’s true misconception. However unpleasant they might be, the news implied that such desires were not willing to be kind to her. It was one of those cases in which she was left unable to decide for her own happiness—as though she was lacking some conviction by believing such a wicked act of god existed. Her story was in need of someone to lend her his ears and soon reached the conclusion that someone should also become the object in need of harm—she felt now it was her journey to be alone, amidst a sea of tears of forbidden grounds.
Her doubts would continue to persevere as though it was of little matter to her. She at last, found an excuse on the everyday work—believing she gained an escape to the creation of painful thoughts. Soon the patience will find a way to threaten her feelings; soon the self-denial will bring reality before her eyes; and soon she will discover that it was partly her fault to be in the
hole she was. If there was someone to blame, she wouldn’t let her mother be used as scapegoat. She was her rightful daughter and loved her with sincere heart, but that was not enough to keep all presumptuous comments outside of her life. She didn’t deserve such treatment as past conflicts should not be brought to the present realm. Whatever happened then was not her mistake—nor was there a reason to be hers in the first place. She could no longer put reasoning and harmony before acting because it would stall her ability to live in the pursuit of happiness (if any remains). Her name had been already subjugated to enough prejudice as there was no one else to blame except for her. The comparison, however, was superfluous when said double standard would suffice to prove herself free of guilt, though it had the opposite effect by bringing to surface the deepest scars of her soul. She only needed one more push to let all her feelings share the ache of existing. That push was a person who was eager to learn the answers at first hand without caring too much about her feelings or any other motive behind.
If this was “something amazing” by mere analysis of her words, she otherwise did not believe so as it only set one more story in motion by paying the cost of her tears. It was the act of sharing past secrets of inviolable nature which would at least let her mind and heart rest at peace. She couldn’t help, however, the unavoidable consequence of hurting that person by immediate effect of whatever she did without reflecting. It was perhaps in total contemplation of this situation that outside forces may have been the real culprit when it was against her very own will to further moving with her decision. She let escape at last the question troubling her, that both perhaps may have been all along unknown of each other’s sibling relation as though she was still unsure of the foundation to such conjecture. There was no intention to convey a joke amidst the blue of a tragic night when she has been for a year now dealing with such a secret in the shadows of her heart. The confusion and frustration took as granted her indecisions by the time she discovered there was nothing left. She was unable to find the place where wishes would bring dreams to fruition, and hence, Shin was allowed to become the one her feelings buried deep inside were waiting to share their pain. She realized there was no meaning to keep a secret when the entire world was agreeable to play the same game as well—the one wherein she
loses at the end.
She finally rested in the confinement of her room as tears were active once again in the task assigned to them—portraying the pain of having such a secret revealed and such a person hurt. She at last overlooked the chains around herself when the time to voice out the truth came—the dilemma of having such frustrations and feelings conflict with each other till no end. The result had no regret in the air, but it was, nonetheless, the sacrifice of her happiness and that of the one she dared to care.
The
knowledge was perhaps an important part of the succession of events leading to that revelation, but such scenario, on the other hand, accumulated all sort of feelings before letting itself go out of hand or to the point she had no other choice except the one in front of her eyes. The ambiguity was her most formidable enemy when such a nice condition left room to develop her feelings—if any had the chance of reaching some conclusion. She wanted to believe it was an illusion the world she was living in, as though her white lies were meant to deny some kind of misconception created in the first place. Whatever happened then after taking the initiative of following a decision
thorough would have direct consequences and she knew that very well. Alone in her room, she wept until no light could bring the hope of having her life come back to her, or the belief of having a chance ever again.