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Originally Posted by Satashi
well I decided just to hop in the middle here and see what was going on. I read the part where Fate took Nanoha in and they were playing with Arf till the end of post. It was interesting :3
I'm not going to comment on things I don't know, since I didn't read the first bit. Instead, I'll just say this: They go through emotions like a train wreck. One second Fate is nervous, then scared, then she's happy, then she's sad, then she's laughing so hard she falls off the couch, then sad again, then happy, then crying, then......wow. Just wow.
That's the only thing I noticed. Your writing is good, it flows well, and I didn't notice any grammar errors (though that's not much coming from me.)
I would read this, but right now the only thing stopping me is that the characters seem a little to emotionally spastic. Like they're about to confess their deepest secrets, then hide from them, then laugh, ect. I can't really connect with the mood you're trying to put in. I'd pick one or two and stick with it. Awkward for sure, and the second mood would sad. You can connect all the sad parts to the awkwardness very easily, and little smiles along the way would transition between topics and stuff.
Not saying you should re-write the scene, but toning down the emotional outburst would be a plus. Remember, the girls just met each other, there is plenty of time to work in their past and feelings. Take your time <3
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Thank you, Satashi. I was also thinking the same thing when I was re-writing this chapter. If you thought their emotions were like train tracks now then you should have read the original chapter; it was a nuclear meltdown!
I'll go back and see if I can at least tone it down a bit before posting it on ff.net. Again, thanks!