Starts off with a STAR WARS OPENING CRAWL PARODY.
KAMIJOU TOUMA (V.O.):
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
TOARU MAJUTSU NO INDEX
EPISODE 1: I GET HURT BY LOLIS
Hello, the name is Kamijou Touma. You probably don’t care about the big lengthy nonsensical pseudo-scientific and magical crap that’s about to follow, but the script says I have to do this.
Basically, I live in this place called Academy City and I’m a… special student. That is to say I make Jar Jar Binks look like a philosopher. And tonight, I kinda pissed off one of my fangirls.
Ha ha, you know women with their periods and their boobs…
Heh heh, boobs…
It funny because she doesn’t’ have any.
By the way, did I mention Academy City creates espers?
Because it does.
The crawl ENDS.
EXT. A CERTAIN BRIDGE – NIGHT.
Touma: My harem senses are tingling. It seems that there’s a hot girl in that direction. I wonder what it could be.
CUT TO:
EXT. CARGO AREA
ACCELERATOR and a MISAKA IMOUTO stand there—Accelerator on the crate and Imouto STARING UPWARD.
Misaka Imouto: I love what you do with your hair. What shampoo do you use?’ narrates Misaka as she attempts to be an appealing character.
Accelerator (O.S.): Oh, I use the grounded up intestines of your many baby sisters. Do you want to know what I bathe in?
Misaka Imouto: …So, you want to go out on a date after this?
Accelerator: Maybe later.
CUT BACK TO:
EXT. A CERTAIN BRIDGE – NIGHT.
Touma: Huh. I feel like this is a trap somehow…
MISAKA MIKOTO (O.S.): I believe they call it Yuriko.
Mikoto arrives and Touma TURNS to FACE her.
Touma: Hello. If you are one of my many fangirls, wait for your turn.
Mikoto: You see, this is why I was chasing you across the city just now.
Touma: You were what now?
Mikoto: …You mean you don’t even remember? I was trying to shock you up minutes ago—
Touma: Woah, hold on there sugartits! I’m fair game, but re-enacting Guantanamo Bay isn’t on my list of preferred kinks!
REACTION SHOT of a frowning Mikoto, who is THINKING.
Mikoto (V.O.): Hm, I know what to do.
Mikoto: Railgun Season 2.
Touma: NO! STOP SPEAKING SATAN’S TONGUE, YOU BASTARD! I RATHER DIE THAN HAVE ANOTHER SEASON!
Mikoto: It could be worse. We could be K-ON. I’ve heard they’ve been looking to add a male character to the main cast for the upcoming movie. They’re that desperate.
Mikoto: Indeed. Now, I’m going make shit go poof by using phallic imagery to strike you.
Touma: What—
Mikoto: PIKACHU!
Shot of Mikoto’s THUNDERBOLT with the audio of a WTFBOOM.
SUBTITLES: [Get it? Tsunderbolt?]
[Index AbridgeMENT Opening]
INT. KAMIJOU RESIDENCE
SUBTITLES: [One Tsundere-induced power outrage later…]
Touma APPROACHES his refrigerator while a TRAGIC MUSIC plays.
Touma: No… No, not you! Not my precious fridge!
We hear a FLATLINING sound.
Touma: Oh nevermind, I’ll grab some rotten food. Hmm, I feel like something’s missing.
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER JACK (O.S.): Yeah, the fridge gag guy decided to quit.
Touma: Where did he go to?
CUT TO:
A paper cut-out of KAKINE TEITOKU is lazily STAPLED onto the K-ON movie poster.
Teitoku: At least I’m appreciated here! Isn’t that right?
SILENCE.
Teitoku: The girls say yes.