That kind of rhythm could work for a standard poem.
When I wrote it, it was meant to be a piece that can express the inexpressible, to convey in words what words can only point to. That's why I chose to use words that were both expressive, yet lacked a sense of concreteness, so that the content of the piece could more easily bypass the mind and communicate straight to the reader's heart.
I used "the void" instead of "void" since the words before it were both multisyllabic, rather than following the general rule in English to follow a grammatically consistent pattern. I felt that this would help to break the rigidity that a regular poem would have. And I tried to keep the other lines roughly the same length to make it more difficult for the mind to make any kind of distinction or analysis. It's all done to allow the reader "read" with the heart instead of with the mind, to take in the content without any thought.
If it was meant to be more visual or more visceral, then yeah I agree, a more punctuated rhythm would help to accentuate it. Anyow, I appreciate the feedback.
