Well written. First, about the cultural stuff:
1. Cereal: I think we've gone over that in the Japanese Culture thread. Cereal isn't an "usual" breakfast item in Japan. Going for toast would be more in-line.
2. Clue: Board games aren't that popular in Japan. (Although there are localized versions of Clue in Japan.)
It seems you've mixed elements of Nagisa, Kotomi, Kyou, and Tomoyo into your Nagisa, and Yuki is the opposite of everything that is Tomoya.
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