I only skimmed though it for now. A have a few style nit picks, if C&C is welcome. If it’s not just ignore my babel bellow. I’ll try to give out some impressions as well between the lines (since I know that’s what I look for in critique). Feel free to ignore those as well… I… run my mouth too much sometimes; but you know that.
The size 3 font is harder to read, I’m on windows dunno if you’re on mac, but it just doesn’t look right. The centering isn’t helping with it either. It feels like you’ve tried to do the standard paragraph indent but something went wrong (the usual first paragraph of new section isn’t indented but has a new line before it, but the others are); I personally didn’t realize it was just centered the first time, since it doesn’t look centered, it just looks weird. Still on the topic of looks, the whole huge (random?) spaces between (sort of) narrative to dialog is just so not helping readability. I think it looks good, from a sort of presentation point of view, but it’s really annoying to move my eyes that random distance and you have some variation in style where on some dialog you have this empty line between consecutive dialog lines, and on others you just don’t; yes it’s hard to read, it’s fine if it were say a poem, but I believe it’s pretty well founded as taboo otherwise (as a non-poem that is). Oh, and the green text is ugh! don’t that, please.
From a composition perspective, I won’t comment on it overall or the story, since I just skimmed though it for now, but first thing that just struck me like a big no-no is how you’ve went out of your way to tell us what “to think” of the characters. It’s just not right, and not really interesting to read either (no offense). To make a comparison, take your average harem lead. What’s the first thing that we hear about one? How pimp’ed up and super hax smarts he is, handsome and all round dream right? Can you tell me of one that actually meets that, since I sure can’t. All the harem leads I know of are only garbage that couldn’t tell if they were reading playboy even if they read the cover title, let alone have any skill in anything other then acting dumb.
What I’m getting at is, you want super smart characters skilled in this and that, then be prepared to prove to us that they are smart, don’t just show us their “deus ex machina” diploma. You know how the saying goes (in writing) “show don’t tell [or it’s going to come back to bite you in the ass].” Just from the first few lines in, Akio Keitaro is by your definition 19 and a student in psychology with the skill to “connect complex ideas together” (which is a sort of pleonasm or at least redundant in combination with IQ) but you know, he sure doesn’t talk like it at all; he sounds 12! and I’m just crediting his ability to speak coherently there. I have friends that did psychology, though generally nobody would describe themselves as “I did psychology” (ie. with out the specific psychology topic) unless Average Joe with out a clue asks you on the street. I don’t know how different the education system is around the world, but you don’t learn things that make you all happy dovy when you get into psychology. I also find it a little weird he’s a student, yet 19—somehow that doesn’t really tick. You don’t just step into a university and suddenly “I
did Rocket Science, and know shit.” is a legitimate sentence that can come out of your mouth.
I’m also a little freaked out by the IQ levels. I know the record is 220 (correct me if I’m wrong) but having a IQ of 130 from a test done by some reliable and certified source is already O-M-G material. But 140+? your character should be 80% autistic. ;P Like I was saying earlier IQ, which is intelligence quotient, and usually tested with problem solving as a basis is redundant with the characters supposed skill “connect complex ideas” in context.
Anyway enough of that, the next thing that bugged me was something that I’ve been making a complete mess of as well. Your dialogs are too skinny, and plain! just like mine.
Please read this
blog post, it presented the problem with much clearer wording then I can find right now. One little nit pick that’s not there, your characters sound a little too much like each other. Try to avoid giving them the notorious “you” personality; in other words give them their own perks, their own style that just stands out. It’s really dull reading character dialog when they all sound the same, it’s like hearing the one character talk to himself or herself.
At one point you write “I took in a deep breath and inhaled the scent of a bright morning.” Aside from what I said previously that what you say the characters are suppose to be and what I’m getting from reading it is just conflicting in my head, there’s the sugar. I feel you should cut on the very long drawn out sugar lines. I’m not saying you should cut out on the, let say, poetic remarks, just that they should be shorter and maybe more strategically injected. I’m just picking on one line here, it didn’t even take a sentence and you’re saying “I should mention – the first thing that caught my eye when I arrived was the shape of this building.” It’s the same deal like with the characters. When I read that the little wheels in my head turned something like this “Well let’s see most buildings are square, so the character was impressed by a square? Is he stupid?” Don’t tell me the air is heavenly, describe to me a scene of butterflies and leaves. Don’t tell me I should be impressed with a building, instead, tell me how it’s some inverted pyramid that’s floating 5 meters above the ground (not literally, but you get the idea); then I’ll be impressed! I would say describe the characters mannerism rather then just performing brain surgery, but in this case it can’t be helped since I think you’re exploring the strange and unconventional first-person/present-tense style—which has this and others as it’s many drawbacks (I’m not saying it doesn’t have it’s pro’s). Speaking of which, the way you go from character monologue to just narrative is a little confusing, it would be nice to have a little more warding or streamline it more—but this is more a readability/style nit pick.
Oh and there are all sorts of little things, like “the mute were once again able to speak” I feel like you’re asking a pretty huge stretch of the imagination from the reader for a non-poem. I personally find it a little awkward. Or, what is “Size 8” sneakers anyway? maybe try using just a generic “large” (or whatever the case is). Or, “Without warning, an interruption arrived.” it’s not a pleonasm but it sure sounds like one (you know like “biography of my life,” what other type of biography is there?). This is one of those corner cases like “personal opinion,” we all use it, even though how often is a opinion not personal? If you think hard enough there are these corner cases where you could be say referring someone else’s opinion (eg. “his opinion”) but we’re going out of context there, and in some sense it’s still always “personal” so it still sounds like a pleonasm. Anyway, I’m not saying it’s necessarily wrong, but it’s probably better to cut them out most of the time. Then there’s things like “a slight shock.” This combination is just creating a nice flow and killing it just like that. If you eliminate “slight” there suddenly the word “shock” has it’s thunder back. If you think that’s not expressing the feeling, then use different words! ;P On the same note avoid anything like “extreme,” or “super” (and god knows there’s more like them). Avoid these words like the plague! These words don’t show nothing, they just tell. Remember, the one golden rule “show, don’t tell.” They also tend to be very throw away words that cheapen more so then hype up. Especially in our day and age with every idiot out there trying to sell you “cancer curing detergent” and “super duper silicon powered tooth paste, now with magic star dust plus!” making your words sound all exaggerated just presses all the wrong buttons.
Anyway, that’s it for now, I’ll do a more detailed critique when I find the time to read it and not just skim over it.