|
Lurker
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Kyon
^Have at you! (Listen to this whilst reading.)
Spoiler for Hamazura Shiage an "Irregular factor"? Not rly...:
Near A Certain Vending Machine—7116 to be exact—there I was, gaping in desperation.
Why is that? Well, this fucking piece of crap ate my money—a 10000 yen bill! What is this shit? Academy City can create espers, the mightiest military machines on Earth, redefine scientific paradigms, yet those fucking baboons can’t craft a vending machine that works right?-!
Do I look like an idiot, damn Board of Directors and Aleister? Fuck you! This is a conspiracy set up to fund your black projects, isn’t it? Stealing from students to bankroll another Accelerator-type atrocity, aren’t you? Are you so mathematically illiterate that you managed to waste all your pocket money on surplus HsAFH-11, HsB-02 or HsPS-15?-!
Well, up yours! Not happenin’! I shot that fucking dumbass machine with my fucking revolver of AWESOME and took my fucking coffee can AND—!
Well, what do you think I did with it?
Yes, I shoved it up straight in my body’s fridge—my arse. It’s a survival technique Teddy Roosevelt taught me in a dream, the same in which I woke up from with a sore ass.
I’m not gay, by the way. It might sound like that; like I banged some dude named Florence the very same night I had that dream, but as the vending machine demonstrated, science has long ways to go to explain certain things.
And, before I hear you going “Oh, Kihara-kun, that was, well, crazy”, then I’ve got news for you.
That machine was racist. That’s right, I’m part Japanese, part Chinese. There’s a difference, one is—
Ah, fuck it. The little pissant was taunting me! My family’s pride was at stake here!
…Okay, maybe going on a rampage and shooting up another 50 machines in the money slit wasn’t very smart of me. That’d be like if I declare all Highlander fans evil because they happen to like a series with Highlander 2: The Quickening in it—something worse than Hitler, Stalin and Hello Kitty combined, by the way.
…I concede that shooting down the belts—and thus, the pants—of those Judgement kiddos, revealing their little faggy pink undies with the bright unicorns that are frotting their horns, spewing rainbows over their friend’s faces in such a way that my cousin’s fujoshi tendencies are chaste, wasn’t the best idea I had. No, that would my brilliant idea regarding Kakine Teitoku’s brain and that grizzly bear (you know it would be awesome!).
…I even am willing to admit that I might be high right now—probably on life and gunpowder smoke. Totally not that crippling high-caliber hemp addiction that I’ve been having ever since I realized I sniffed my father’s ashes when woke up in my mother’s hallowed grave. And that I ate her. With a side of Manwich.
…I may have also forgotten to take my pills today, but it doesn’t matter because I’M FUCKING AWESOME!
Wait, I’m not awesome. Would an awesome bro be hiding in a dumpster, running away from some hybrid between a woman and a spartan?
No, sounds like a pissant to me.
And you know what that means…
By that logic, I should shoot myself.
Well, had a good run I guess.
Final words: Final word is for pussies, and red-eyed albinos with cute asses.
…
…
…
Wait, what was I thinking again?
Oh, right, I’m covered in crud like after being hit by a Tsunami head-on. BOOM! Fuck political correctness, I have a gun which I can blow and have secret fuck fantasies about my favorite Final Fantasy characters with!
Except Tidus, that would be gay.
And Squall.
In fact, forget Final Fantasy.
And the blow.
Okay, I’ll keep the blow in mind.
…
Oh God, what the hell have I been doing?
Oh craaap, I think the stuff that shady guy sold me was too strong.
I’ve gone too far this time. I just wanted to forget that my life had no meaning, that’s all.
Sigh.
Should I get out of this shit-encrusted dump and surrender myself? That spartan lady is probably waiting to shove a baton up my ass. Not that’d I’d mind but—
Ah, fuck it. I should call up Nayuta and plead insanity. Maybe a mock execution as a slap on the wrist.
Yep, I should be doing that…
I should.
But…
…
…
…
…I could go take a PISS-ON-THE-WINDOWLESS-BUILDING-FUCK-YEAH!
No, wait…!
PISS AND DUMP!
Then I’m going to shove that up my nose.
And smoke it.
I am such a genius.
*****
Around Academy City Kamijou Touma, Accelerator and Hamazura Shiage felt a darn cold shiver up their spine.
An irregular factor ever more dangerous that Hamazura Shiage in terms of screwing Aleister Crowley’s plans was going to throw the City of Science in imminent chaos.
In the outskirts of Academy City, a dark and shady figure smirked.
He who had been a Majin, Otteinus, had sown the seed for the fall of the Science side, and the Wickedest Man in the World along with it.
“Aleister, you have been deceived. Your magic and science has shown its age and limit. Ollerus might have banished me from the corporal world, but I live on! You, foolish old man, could not detect my entry in your soon-to-be ‘Artificial Heaven’. And for that, you will fall…without grace, without mercy. Your life’s work shall crumble before you. Something that cannot be quantified, rationalized with or understood will do what dear Laura could never hope to.”
“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!”
God forgive me if I continue.
...Should I?
My answer to wtf that was: |
...
...
... ... ...
Y'know, I think I have officially just got over by momentarily down mood. My brain had to reboot to comprehend what the hell that I just read.
You, sir, are amazing.
|