I kinda get what you're saying now. A few things, like dialog, was made because like someone else said, this is a fanfic in English. So I use English phrases. I try to keep Japanese things if I can, like greeting "Good morning" never happened at my school. It was always"yo" "sup" "hi" or no greeting at all, just talking.
Hmmm....Fate. I think I said this before, on the old thread, so I'll give my thoughts again. Fate, to me, isn't so much as shy but easily embarrassed. In A's, Fate never really held back her thoughts or actions. In the manga, she was open and forward (like during the dodge ball game, she was the leader and it showed). However, when someone teased her in anyway, she got embarrassed super fast and tried to defend herself. I think I portrayed that in SbtB well?
Okay, them being too open too soon... *thinks* Well, Fate has a crush and therefore naturally likes Nanoha. She perked Fate's interest right away you could say. I do agree that they seem to have gotten close so soon. But so far around two months have passed since they met. I tried in this new chapter to kind of give a reasoning for Nanoha being so clingy to Fate. Hopefully that will help this out. Let me know if it worked when it's posted?
Precia...Hooooboy. Can't deny that one at all XD! She's too perky, too lively, too out spoken, and a lot of other "too" 's as well lol. I'll have to say here that I.... well, I used "author's privileges in an Alternate Universe" to shape her up. How did I get her personality? My aunt hahaha. My aunt is just like Precia in this story. I think Fate really needs a good mother and since I had the chance.... I'm making up for all those bad things I wrote about Fate with this story XD! (actually no, I'm embarrassing 10 years off Fate's life )
I can't change the characters now since I'm in so far, but I can start making things a little better. Do you have any suggestions on things they might do instead of what they have been? Like, instead of "up and at'm silly girl" What do you think should have been said? I'll try to adjust a little without exactly changing what they are.
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Just remember, you can't please everyone, and it's your fic so you write it as you wish.
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I will, don't worry. Advice never hurt anyone though ^_^ I may take it, may not, but it's great to be able to reflect back and see things that I could have done better ^_^