[Furyofthewolves]

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

Speaking of the prez...

Spoiler for Part Two of Part Three of Chapter Two:

"Follow me!" Asahina-senpai and I complied with Haruki's orders and followed him down the corridor, eventually arriving at the Computer Club two rooms away.

I’m beginning to see where he’s going with this.

"Take this."

Haruki handed me an instant camera.

"Listen up, Kyon! I’ll tell you my brilliant plan, and you must follow it no matter what! There’s only one chance and one chance only!"

Haruki bent down and whispered his so-called "plan" in my ear.

"What!? You can't do that! That’s blackmail!"

"Does it matter? Besides, this plan is but a small part of my Master Plan!"

“But… Asahina-senpai…”

“Silence!”

Great. Just great. I turned to a puzzled looking Asahina-senpai, trying to warn him by winking at him.

Run, run, or you’ll be well done!

[Editor’s note: I apologize for the Kefka reference. Jintor, feel free to get rid of it if you want.]

But Asahina-senpai looked surprised at me and started blushing. Hey, exactly what ideas are you getting?

Just as I was about to run away with Asahina-senpai to avoid certain doom, Haruki had knocked on the Computer Club room door.

"What’s up, people?! We’ve decided to come and collect a computer from you!"

The spacing is similar, but compared to our room, this room was narrower. Each of the evenly spaced desks had a desktop computer on it with CD sound effects. The computer fans whirling away were the only sounds heard in the room.

The five girls sitting on their seats typing on their keyboards all stuck their heads out towards the door to see what Haruki was up to.

"So, who’s in charge here!?"

Haruhi smiled pompously.

A short female student stood up and answered.

"I'm the president, can I help you?"

"Do I really have to repeat myself? As I said: give me a computer."

The nameless Computer Study Group president displayed a "What the hell?" expression and violently shook her head.

"No way! Since the school doesn’t give us enough money, we bought these computers ourselves, with hard-earned cash! We’re not just going to give them to you for free! Do you think we’re idiots?"

"What does it matter? We only need one, and you have soooo many!"

Haruki said this while sweeping his hand across the room.

"That... wait a minute, who are you guys anyway?"

"I am Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, and these are Subordinate One and Subordinate Two."

Since when are we your subordinates?

"In the name of my SOS Brigade, I demand that you hand over a computer at once! No excuses!”

"Look, I have no clue who you guys are, but no way are you getting a computer from us! You go buy your own"

"Fine then. We have our… (heh) ways."

Haruki's eyes blazed with confidence. I’ve got a bad feeling about this…

Haruki walked over to one of the shelves on the wall.

"I've heard about a certain group of girls who are totally into some really nasty, forbidden-in-school stuff. They even produce their own doujinshi manga to sell at Comiket, the major part of it all using a very public school club fund..."

Haruki punched the section of wall beneath the shelf, making a box fall down. Many books fell from it with their pages wide open.

I blushed very hard at all those man-on-man images. This is sick.

“I-I can explain!”

The president began to protest loudly.

“Those are our, um, private, um…”

“Silence.”

Haruki had apparently had enough.

“Here’s how this is going to go down. You’re going to give us a computer, and I won’t tell anyone that you’re making gay porn manga with the school’s money.”

"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" One of the members asked.

“No, I came here to extort a computer from you.”

That’s the same thing!

“No.”

The president had decided to stand up for herself.

“Even if you tell the administration, we can just get rid of them! You’ll have no proof! What do you say to that?”

Haruki grinned like the Cheshire Cat.

“Kyon, take a photo of contents of that box, would you?”

Click!

I reluctantly pressed the shutter. Great, now I’m an accomplice in blackmail.

“Kyaaaaaah!”

That would be the president shrieking.

“Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”

Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face.

“Okay, then. We’ll trade. We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you seem to be into that kinda thing.”

The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.

“Our personal butler… but how do I know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?”

“Oh, that’s easy enough.”

Haruki pushed Asahina-senpai, who was standing awestruck next to her, towards the president, and then he grabbed her and put it in Asahina-senpai’s pants.

"Kyaaaaaa!!"

"Whaaaaa!?"

Click!

At the sound of the two screaming, I clicked the camera shutter again.

Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, preventing him from escaping, and then shoved the president towards him. Asahina-senpai collapsed, the president on top of him.

"Kyon! One more picture!"

Once again, I pressed the shutter. Asahina-senpai, nameless president, you both have my sincerest apologies.

"Wha-what the hell!?"

The president had rolled of Asahina-senpai.

Haruki wiggled his finger at the furiously blushing president.

"If the photos of your gay porn isn’t enough, this should be enough for the administration to disband your club!”

"What kind of joke is this!?"

The president protested furiously once again. I feel really sorry for her.

"You forcefully grabbed my hand! I'm innocent this time!"

This time?

"Really now? Who’s going to believe you? With the rumours and my photographic evidence, there’s no way you’re getting out of this one.”

I turned and looked at Asahina-senpai lying face on the ground paralysed. He must have been in so much shock that all energy had left him.

In the meantime, the president continued to resist.

"My members are all witnesses to my innocence! That wasn’t my fault!"

The four members who were standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.

"That's right!"

"Our president is innocent!"

Haruki wouldn’t be Haruki if he actually listened to you. It’d be easier just to give up the computer.

The already wide smile on Haruki’s face got even wider.

"Right, then I'll just say you girls gang-raped him!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”

“Really now? Let me tell you a story. A poor, innocent upperclassman was passing through this hallway, when he happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy and other such sweets, but, lo! When he entered, he was set upon by the cruel women, who proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! Fortunately, I happened along, and managed to get evidence of their crimes before rescuing the helpless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a hero!”

Haruki laughed long and loud.

I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.

"S... Suzumiya-san...! T-that’s not what happened…"

Asahina-senpai desperately looped his arms around Haruki's legs, but Haruki simply kicked him off. He then inflated his chest and arrogantly said:

"So, what is it then? Are you giving us a computer? Or having your reputation ruined forever?"

The president's face went from red to white, finally turning dark.

In the end, she surrendered.

"Just pick one and get out!"

Having said that, the president sat down dejectedly. Her members all rushed towards her.

"President!"

"Are you okay?"

"It’s going to be all right!"

The president's head drooped like a puppet whose strings were broken. Seeing such a broken figure, even if I am Haruki's companion, I couldn't help but shed tears of sadness for her.

"Which one is the latest model?"

Haruki! That’s enough! You’re so cold-blooded!

"Why should we tell you!?"

The angry members continued their meagre resistance, but Haruhi simply pointed at me and the camera I was still holding.

"Goddammit… that one.”

Haruki looked in the direction the president pointed and inspected the model and serial number of the computer. Then, he took out a piece of paper from his blazer pocket.

"I went to the electronics store and asked for a list of the latest models. This isn’t one of them."

How far ahead has he planned everything out? This is getting to be a bit scary.

After inspecting all the other computers, Haruki pointed to one of them.

"Give me this one."

"W... wait! We just bought that last month!"

"Camera."

"... T-take it, you thieves!"

Like she said, we were truly thieves.

Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After plucking all the cables and wires, he moved all the necessary equipment back to the Literature Club room without any consideration. He then had the Computer Club people reinstall the wires for us and had them lay two Internet cables from their room to ours, so we could use the Internet. He even forced them to set up an Intranet for us. He’s not better than a common criminal!

"Senpai."

Since I was totally helpless in the face of the Lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, I could only shake the shoulder of a scarred and devastated Asahina-senpai, who was kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing endlessly.

"Let's go back."

"Sob..."

Haruki, you idiot, aren’t you supposed to be making Asahina-senpai more manly!? Not turning him into a nervous wreck!

I comforted poor Asahina-senpai, while mumbling about what on earth Haruki wanted a computer for.

Very soon, I would find out.

I love Haruki's story here. I wrote a lot of this from scratch too, so now I'm tired and hungry. No more for you people today.

I used some of renrutal's ideas, too, so he gets credit.

Soo good. Man i kept expecting Haruki to sprout Gurren Lagaan lines throughout that.
“Mitsuru! Don’t believe in yourself that believes in me! Believe in me that believes in you!”
"Ore wa dare ga tomotte yaru?" "Ore-tachi wa Dai-SOS-dan!"

Hmmmm Dai-SOS-dan, that seems fun.