Quote:
Originally Posted by Triple_R
“Man, I haven't felt this great in ages.” she sexclaimed to me, “It's exhilarating!”
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lol, interesting typo here...kinda wondered whether I should I even point it out.
First, some thoughts on the POV sections of the Sayaka/Homura alliance chain...regarding Sayaka referring to people by their surnames, I actually have the impression that Sayaka overwhelmingly refers to people with just their given names and no honourifics at all. Whether they are people she's close to like Madoka and Hitomi, or people she's on unsteady terms with like Homura or Kyouko, I think given her passion and friendly personality Sayaka very quickly moves onto a first name basis in addressing them, at least amongst her peers.
On Homura as well, her initial thoughts somewhat threw me, in how scathing she was towards Kyousuke. I don't really get the impression that Homura's struggles have made her jaded towards
people (i.e. they're all selfish, or anything to that effect) so much as she's grown cynical of people's naivete, optimism, and hopeful feelings. I don't think that Homura necessarily thinks of Kyousuke as a bad person, but rather just finds Sayaka's idealistic, hopeful love for him (to the extent of wanting to give for him without expecting anything in return) foolish in itself.
Anyway, on to the "bomb" of an original character which everyone else is talking about, lol. To be honest, I do find such a strong external/crossover element to be very foreign and somewhat disruptive to my immersion in the story, particularly given that, this still being a route in which Mami dies, I had the perhaps unjustified impression that this would be a storyline tracking closer to canon. In the end though, this is essentially
your fanfiction, so I don't particularly wish to pour cold water on a plotline you would enjoy writing; given, after all, that there are still at least three plotlines which are suited to my tastes. I do also sympathize with your dilemma in terms of somewhat lacking conflict in a storyline where Kyouko, Homura, and Sayaka are all allies/friends.
In terms of future plot developments I think
all the story branches could deal with, aside from the approaching Walpurgisnacht, there are the revelations about the Puella Magi system regarding the true nature of the Soul Gems, and how witches are born. Madoka Magica's original storyline is pretty tightly scripted to lead up to these developments--Kyouko's antagonism leading to Madoka's actions spurring the Soul Gem discovery, and Sayaka's despair following that leading to the revelation about witches. Since in these varying story paths we are removing elements of these like Kyouko's conflict with Sayaka, or Sayaka's contract to become a magical girl in the first place, I can see how alternative devices are needed to bring these developments to the surface. However, I do still hope that most of the conflict in the story will revolve around the magical girl system itself.