~~ The story has very subtle technical flaws that are far more difficult to explain than simply noting misspelled words or missing commas or whatever. I may not be able to provide the proper terminology for the mistakes, but I'll do my best to make it understandable.
~~ Using 3 tildes at the start of the line for quotes, 2 for commentary.
A Sermon of Galatea
~~ Title -- I was expecting the story to be.. 'telling' more than 'listening', given the title. After reading it, the title doesn't really fit. Atmospherically, 'sermon' does fit with the story, but the overall intent needs different wording.
"My heart has adopted every shape; it has become a pasture for gazelles, and a convent for Christian monks.
A temple for idols, and a pilgrim's Ka'ba, the tables of the Torah and the pages of the Koran.
I follow the religion of love; whatever way Love's camels take, there Love is my religion and faith."
- Ibn Arabi (1165-1240)
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At lessons, the children seize on the stories of kneeling saints and devoted angels she tells them. But when it comes to the instructions, their enthusiasm drains. They ask questions – why, how, why, what, why – but never seem to reach the most important point. So Sister Latea helps them. Even though she can’t be sure if they will see things in exactly the same way.
~~ This intro paragraph supports the idea of the original title, yet it doesn't manifest within the rest of the story.
~~~ At lessons, the children seize on the stories of kneeling saints and devoted angels she tells them.
~~ "she tells them" at the end is a modifier for 'stories', not 'angels', and thus needs to be moved.
~~~ But when it comes to the instructions, their enthusiasm drains.
~~ Incomplete sentence, not appropriately used within this story. Should be joined with the preceeding sentence.
~~ Comma not needed there
~~ suggest 'wanes' rather than 'drains'
~~ Overall, suggest:
~~ At lessons, the children seize on the stories she tells them of kneeling saints and devoted angels, but when it comes to the instructions their enthusiasm wanes.
~~~ They ask questions – why, how, why, what, why – but never seem to reach the most important point.
~~ The questions asked would be better expressed/impressed if written properly: Why? How? Why? What? Why?
~~ Suggest em dash rather than en dash, generally written with two dashes together in standard .txt: --
~~ "reach the most important point" seems a weak and incomplete phrasing. It sounds like you couldn't quite think of what you wanted to say, so settled for a half-hearted also-ran phrase.
~~~ So Sister Latea helps them.
~~ This phrasing is an incomplete sentence, but useful in its abrupt form. However it doesn't work as well when embedded within a paragraph, and should instead start a new paragraph.
~~~ Even though she can’t be sure if they will see things in exactly the same way.
~~ Another incomplete/abrupt form sentence, however multiple such forms don't work well together. This would be better if merged with the previous sentence.
‘the poor in spirit’
~~ Minor suggestion: a line break between the headings and the text that goes with them. The bold does set it apart nicely, but it still seems slightly awkward.
Like Yuma, who is awkward around the children, their exact opposite. She ghosts among them as they grasp at the edges of her cloak, as transparent as the aged pages of a hymnal, from her days wandering, struggling to catch up to the others. When she leaves her with the children, Sister Latea returns to a mental glimpse of something she thinks resembles something good enough to be heavenly: Yuma, balanced low on one knee, as a young girl scribbles symbols on her open palms. The light reaches in to illuminate one-half of her face: the one-half of her lower lip curved in worry.
~~~ Like Yuma, who is awkward around the children, their exact opposite.
~~ Multiple failings. 'Like Yuma' appears to be either expecting a comparison with a previous statement which hasn't been made (doesn't appear to relate to the intro paragraph), or describing someone else who is like Yuma, which is explicitly not the case since this section is talking solely about her. 'their exact opposite' implies, combined with 'Like Yuma', that you're speaking about someone else who is like Yuma but the exact opposite of yet another unnamed entity.
~~ Overall, just needs a complete rewrite.
~~~ She ghosts among them as they grasp at the edges of her cloak, as transparent as the aged pages of a hymnal, from her days wandering, struggling to catch up to the others.
~~ Too many commas.
~~ 'as transparent as the aged pages of a hymnal' appears to be an adjectival phrase for her cloak; is that intended?
~~ She ghosts among "them", but is struggling to catch up to "the others". Conflicting and unclear pronoun references.
~~~ When she leaves her with the children
~~ Unclear pronoun references, especially considering previous sentences' focus. Is Galatea leaving Yuma with the children, or is Yuma leaving Galatea with the children?
~~~ Sister Latea returns to a mental glimpse of something she thinks resembles something good enough to be heavenly
~~ Too many 'something's. Use nouns rather than indefinite pronouns where possible.
~~~ Yuma, balanced low on one knee, as a young girl scribbles symbols on her open palms.
~~ Lots of indefinites here. Is it the image of Yuma as a young girl or Yuma with a young girl? Is the girl scribbing on Yuma's palms or her own? It's possible to work out the ambiguities, but the process of doing so takes you out of the story.
~~~ The light reaches in to illuminate one-half of her face: the one-half of her lower lip curved in worry.
~~ Again, is the light reaching Galatea, Yuma, or the girl?
Sister Latea’s entrance makes all the children attentive again. But long after the girl has stopped, Yuma continues staring down at her hands.
~~~ Sister Latea’s entrance makes all the children attentive again.
~~ Nothing technically wrong with this, but given the style and atmosphere of the story, would suggest trying to find a different word than 'makes'.
~~~ But long after the girl has stopped
~~ 'But' implies a compound sentence, but you've constructed it slightly awkwardly. Would suggest 'however' if you want to keep it completely separate from the previous sentence, though joining it as a proper compound sentence would work just as well (just remove the extra comma after 'stopped').