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Originally Posted by Wild Goose
That's... that's actually pretty good, though not quite my voice, but I see where you're going there. *nods* I'd be pleased to see what else you come up with, if it's okay with you.
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Heheh... that's the problem with me trying to rework scenes in other people's writing. They end up in my voice instead of the original author's. And I'm supposed to be making suggestions, not taking control of the other person's story.
Since you asked though, here's my attempt at reworking that scene using a different approach from the one you did. I've made some further edits since last night because there were some things I wasn't satisfied with previously.
Spoiler:
The ammunition counter on Ray’s HUD hits zero as he empties the last of his assault cannon’s magazine into the side of a Destroyer Class, and the firing vibrations that have been shaking his Hornet’s frame cease. Still hungry for a kill, he discards the empty cannon and draws a close combat knife, then lunges towards his foe. The Destroyer rears up as he slices deep into its side, then stumbles and crashes to the ground, its enormous body twitching as it enters its death throes.
The problem with Destroyers is that they are never alone.
A nearby Grappler Class closes in and swings at Ray’s TSF with one enormous arm: he parries the blow and retaliates by slicing its head off with the close combat knife. He spins to the left, seeking new targets, but is immediately caught off guard by a group of Tank Class. They leap onto his Hornet and force it to the ground, their powerful jaws sinking into the machine’s armor plates with a hideous crunching sound. Ray struggles to fight back with the close combat knife, but can’t free his TSF’s arm from the tank that has it pinned.
Then he hears the bark of an assault cannon firing in semi-auto mode, and the ground shakes with the approach of giant footsteps. He finds himself able to lift his TSF’s arm again, and a moment later the machine’s legs are free as well. The Tank Class that is covering his unit’s head sensor as ripped away, and he sees John’s Hornet standing over his, the knife in its right hand dripping blood as its left hand discards the dead tank’s corpse.
A communications window opens in the corner of Ray’s HUD, and John appears in it, his face a mixture of anger and concern.
“You okay?” he asks. Ray nods shakily.
"Yeah. Just a bit shook up. Thanks, mate. I owe you one."
John shrugs, then offers his Hornet’s hand to help Ray’s unit get back on its feet. Ray accepts the offer, and John smiles a little as he helps him up and switches back to his assault cannon.
"Favor for a favor. It's what friends do. Let's move."
The change in perspective at the beginning seems to have had the consequence of making me take a narrower perspective later in the scene as well (specifically the part where John saves Ray). That might not be a good match for how you want to portray things.
Also, one recommendation I've come across is to be consistent about Tense. Part of the problem I had with your use of Present Tense may have been because if came after you'd begun the chapter in Past Tense and I didn't have time to get used to it. Its hard to say for sure whether that's the case with this small a sample though.