Quote:
Originally Posted by Kourin
You had me fooled in the beginning. I guess I was expecting NanoFate so immediately I read it as that. shouldn’t judge before actually reading. Heh.
This sentence seems a little awkward. could be broken up into smaller sentences cuz otherwise, it feels too... long and heavy at the moment.
reading this sentence, i got confused as to which was the direct object. it took a few reads to get what you wanted to say. i'm guessing you wanted to end the sentence using 'confession' but might want to consider changing it a bit to read a little more smoothly.
did you mean "and that he was sure that I'd fine them one day--"?
and like this sentence, the parts where Nanoha recalled what Yuuno told her, there were a lot of 'told's and 'that' which made it a little difficult to read and no doubt for Nanoha to say. so might want to consider changing things up a bit more with sentence structure variations and maybe trim down a bit on what Yuuno said. or not have Nanoha recount everything Yuuno said and just talk about her feelings/reflections.
ok. done with the criticisms. I like your way with words, especially in the descriptions. The entire piece flowed nicely using Fate's POV. And seems like Yuuno has some interesting insights into Nanoha’s feelings. Though it might be the NanoFate goggles again. Overall, this was a pleasant one shot to read. Had a very natural slice-of-life kind of feel to it.
Anyways, I hope people won’t hate me for saying this but since Fate and Nanoha is together in most fics, it seems like there’s temptation to give Hayate someone too. But without build up, I personally have trouble seeing Hayate with Yuuno. They barely even talked to each other throughout StrikerS and A’s. What’s wrong with leaving Hayate single?
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Wow, thanks for pointing those things out. I went back over and tried to fix those issues up. I must admit I didn't give it as thorough a check as I normally do because I was a bit proccupied. That should teach me to post things without scanning over a few times properly :x I'll reupload the corrected version when FFN finishes maintenance.
And ah yeh, I guess that I had planned to confused people a little about the confession things. Felt like giving people a tease
lol
Regarding the Yuuno x Hatate thing though, in this fic I found it necessary for Yuuno to have someone he supposedly liked to increase the emotional impact on Nanoha. The thing is though that I had originally thought about putting Chrono, but then scrapped the idea because it seemed a bit random and hilarious in my mind, and it was meant to be a serious atmosphere. And so, with out many serious candidates otherwise, except pulling an OC out of my butt, I decided it would have to be Hayate. Not only is she the right age, she was in an ideal kind of relation to Nanoha for the implications to affect her... and I'm rambling again. lol
Anyway, thank you very much for your critique, it is very much appreciated. I'm glad you found my awkward writing enjoyable haha