[Eragon]

Originally Posted by JRendell

There was no need for that. No need whatsoever.

On another note, my friend sent me this earlier. It's hilarious;

Spoiler for "long read, worth it:

[Help!] The Girl I Like Won’t Respond to My Emails (´･ω･`)
A tale from 2ch of girls, emails, and hamsters. (Posts from the thread-starter are labeled #OP, the people replying to him are labeled #2ch.)

#OP
There’s this girl I’ve had feelings for since high school, and now we’re in college together. We’ll call her Denko.
Once we hit second year, we went out drinking, and I worked up the courage to exchange numbers.
We started out talking often, but she hasn’t answered me in three days now.
I’m getting depressed just thinking that Denko might be sick, or that something happened to her… (´･ω･`)
Please, somebody give me some advice.

#2ch
SHE DOESN’T LIKE YOU.
GIVE IT UP.

#2ch
Maybe it’s ‘cause email’s a pain in the butt.

#OP
Well, I called her too in case she was sick or something happened… (´･ω･`)

Maybe this last email I sent did something to hurt Denko’s feelings? Give me your opinion here…
“Yahoo! Good weather today. You haven’t emailed me or called me, so I’m just sending this since I’m worried.
Did I do something bad? PS. The stars were pretty last night.”

#2ch
[RAMEN POSTS]

#OP
Wh… This isn’t a thread about ramen, okay?!
I’m begging you, I need advice!
I haven’t slept for an entire day…

#2ch
Just hypothetically, what would you think if you got an email like that from an ugly girl you don’t have any interest in?

#OP
Umm… Well, I wouldn’t like it.
But I’ve had my eye on Denko since high school, and…
I don’t know how to say it, but I think it might be mutual… (´･ω･`)

#2ch
Pretty sure she hates you and is too shy to say it… ///

#2ch
I’ll divine OP and his girl’s love from her birthday.
Post OP’s birthday too, if possible.

#OP
My birthday’s March 10th, Denko’s is September 7th…

#2ch
To be perfectly honest, your emails sound incredibly shifty.
That’s why everyone is talking about ramen instead…

#OP
Sorry, I haven’t had much experience talking to girls… (´･ω･`)

#2ch
So you got responses before?
What kind of emails are you sending?
It could be, you know, interesting…

#OP
At first, we just talked about how strange it was we only started emailing in college despite being in the same year of high school.
What I’m sending… well, I’m worried about her lack of reply, so I’ve sent her around 600 emails.
They’re mostly reports on my current mental state, I guess…? (´･ω･`)

#2ch
Sending 600 emails out of worry from the lack of response… How spammy can you get…

#OP
Don’t make fun of me, okay!
I don’t have any friends, so you’re the only people I can ask about this!

#2ch
…(゜д゜)

#OP
600 emails and still no reply, so I’m really thinking something might have happened… (´･ω･`)
And I really don’t think they’re anything that would displease her. They’re like this:
“I’m drinking jasmine tea right now, thinking about what to have for dinner.”
Maybe they’re a bit too incidental?

#2ch
Troll sighted.
And if you’re not? Give it up.

#2ch
Knows he doesn’t have any friends.
Oozes human filth right down to his emoticons.
And sending 600 emails in three days is stalker-level creepy…

#OP
Alright, alright, maybe people think I’m creepy!
But even so, I’m really, honestly in love with this girl!
You understand, right? I’ll try not to be as creepy about it from now on!
So please, give me advice on how to get Denko to respond!

#2ch
You seriously sent 600 emails in three days? lol

#OP
Well, I think it was only around 50 the first two days… (´･ω･`)

#2ch
Why wouldn’t she respond if she wasn’t dumping you?
If something happened, maybe her power went out!
Try calling her up, it should at least get her attention.

#OP
All right, I’ll try calling her. But I’m awful at talking, so give me something to talk about.

#2ch
I want to see what your conversations were like when you got replies.

#OP
Me: “What do you do for fun? What do you listen to? I like watching lots of movies and reading lots of books, I guess… (´･ω･`)”
Denko: “Umm, I dunno. You sure use a lot of emoticons, huh?”
That sort of thing.

#2ch
LOL, wow did she cut things short…
Did it ever go on any longer than that?

#OP
Me: “Do girls do the thing where you turn socks inside-out to use them for a week?”
Denko: “No, that’s too dirty. I usually wash them after a day.”
Me: “Well, Denko’s socks can’t possibly be dirty! Unlike mine… (´･ω･`)”
Denko: “Do you really wear the same socks for a week?”
Me: “No, uh, I heard about it from a friend.”

Like that.

#OP
I’M CALLING HER NOW

#OP
SHE’S ON

#2ch
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, DENKO!!

#OP
OH GOD I WAS SO NERVOUS I PANICKED AND HUNG UP ON HER (´；ω；`)

#2ch
The cherry blossoms! Invite her to go see the cherry blossoms, OP!!!

#OP
Okay, I’ll do that! I’m too tense to use the phone right now, so I’ll send her an email.

I’ve never been so nervous about talking to somebody aaaaaUUUUUGH (´･ω･`)

#2ch
Oh for the love of… apologize for hanging up.
This’ll be your last chance.

#OP
Ohh… do you really want me to call her again?
I sent her an email saying I knew I shouldn’t have hung up, and my heart just wasn’t ready…

#2ch
God damn, I’ve never seen such a revolting sack of crap.
I’ve got a good idea of why you can’t get Denko, or any friends period.

I’m guessing you’ve been bullied all your life?

#OP
I was bullied in grade school, but I’ve been fine since college.

#2ch
(´･ω･`) ← This is starting to piss me off.

#2ch
This should go down as one of the most terrifying incidents to occur on 2chan.

#2ch
Here you go, OP.
1. What classes are you taking?
2. I’m bored -> Can we go see the cherry blossoms at night?

#OP
Oh! You must be popular, huh? (´･ω･`)
Okay, I’m going to try calling again with that.

My armpits are sweating real bad, though…

#OP
YSEYESYES

#2ch
What is this, a romance board?

#2ch
Are you willing to call this romance? lol

#2ch
I had a stalker once too, but it’s even scarier to think he had the same thought processes as this guy.
600 emails? You gotta be trolling. Please tell me that’s a troll.

#OP
I TALKED WITH DENKO! And I invited her to see the cherry blossoms!
Apparently her schedule was packed at work, so she said some other time! Oh well, still good news!
Gotta buy some clothes now… (´･ω･`) Hurry hurry…

I accidentally told her about how I was sweating really bad, haha…
And she said she was sorry she was too busy to reply to my emails. (´･ω･`)
For now, I’m glad Denko is safe. I was worried what might happen since I’m so bad at talking to girls, but I guess I managed…

#2ch
You’re serious.

#2ch
>She said some other time!
>She said some other time!
>She said some other time!

#2ch
WHY ARE YOU GOING CLOTHES SHOPPING IF YOU GOT REJECTED

there is sUCH A THING AS BEING TOO OPTIMISTIC??

#2ch
“Some other time” = “never talk to me again you creep”

#2ch
Okay, she hates you, no doubt.

#2ch
Oh, OP…
If this isn’t a troll, please, give this up now.

#OP
Are you guys trying to trick me since I don’t have much experience with girls?
I’m wondering when I should send another email… (´･ω･`)

#2ch
What were your meetings with Denko like?
What made you fall for her?

#OP
Denko helped me out when I was being badly bullied in high school.
Denko’s smart and kind, so she was like everyone’s role model.
When I sat next to her in class, I often borrowed her notebooks and erasers and we became friends.
We made eye contact a lot in class, too… (´･ω･`)

#2ch
That’s probably because you were the one looking, creep.

Absolutely despicable. After 600 emails, even if she DID like you before, you’ve ruined it.

#OP
I SENT 600 EMAILS BECAUSE THERE WAS A CHANCE SOMETHING HAPPENED AND I WAS WORRIED.
I’m telling the truth here, okay?
Anyway, a reply!! I’m kind of scared to read it, haha…

#2ch
You’re hopeless. Find out her house and her workplace.
Girls love overbearing go-getter guys.
OP, do this if you can: Follow her to her work, her house, and her classes every day.

#OP
THAT’S JUST BEING A STALKER (´･ω･`)
I don’t want Denko to hate me… (´･ω･`)

#2ch
>I don’t want Denko to hate me
>I don’t want Denko to hate me
>I don’t want Denko to hate me

#2ch
I know I’D hate you.

#2ch
Serious post here.
If you don’t get a reply after three times, stop.
If she’s making excuses about work and busyness, she really doesn’t like you.

She’s only not saying it because she thinks it would hurt you.
Denko getting 600 emails from a guy who isn’t even her boyfriend is no doubt going to scare her.
But she’s probably a nice girl if she isn’t admitting it.

There are people out there who just can’t be blunt.
So stop it, please.

#2ch
Even from a boyfriend, 600 emails in three days is scary.

#2ch
Giving girls small animals as presents makes them most happy. ^^
Stuff thirty hamsters in a box and send them to her house, and she’ll be so surprised she’ll fall for OP in a flash!
So yeah, I think a thirty-hamster present would be good. ^^

#2ch
Girls love to get clothes. The price of clothes and their attraction to you are directly proportional.

#OP
Oh geez, I don’t think I could afford that…
Anyway, we’re making plans for four of us to get together!
I’m so grateful! And so tense! Oh my god….

#2ch
What clothes do you own?

#OP
Plain shirts I wore in high school, and some denim shorts my mom got at Yokado.
Also, I guess I wear sweatjackets a lot.
I wonder if I can get clothes in Harajuku? (´･ω･`)

#2ch
OP’s a super cool guy.
His girl’s just shy.
It’s true love, man.

#OP
The contents of her reply:
I’m not really sure what to say, but sorry I was too busy to reply to your emails.
My schedule is probably too packed to see the cherry blossoms this year. *crying emoticon*
Oh, also, I saw your brother on TV again! [He’s a former actor]
My friend says she wants to go drinking with your brother, me, and you. What do you think?

#2ch
I was wondering this whole time why Denko didn’t reject the OP, but now I think I know.

#OP
Looks like we’re going drinking tomorrow!
Gotta buy clothes now… (´･ω･`)
Would a suit and a necktie be safe?

#2ch
Didn’t she say she was busy?

Don’t you find that weird that she’s suddenly good for tomorrow?

#OP
Well, she’s free in the evening, and cherry blossoms would be in the day, so it’s possible?

#OP
Do you think I should bring a present?
Tell me what would make girls happy… (´･ω･`)

#2ch
No, no presents.
If you bring a present every time, Denko’ll just think OP’s her personal ATM.
Don’t do it, for the future of OP and Denko both.

#OP
I see… So not even a picture of a small animal? (´･ω･`)

Konaka’s open, so I’m gonna go buy a striped suit.

#2ch
A picture? Don’t be silly…
Feeling the warmth of a little creature makes a woman’s heart tremble. Buy hamsters. Nothing but hamsters.
Then stuff them in a box, of course.

#OP
I went to email my brother about trying to be free tomorrow night, but he changed his address and number… (´･ω･`)
I’m asking my mom about it now.

#2ch
OP, girls love sweet things too.
So once you’ve got your hamsters packed into a box, sprinkle the hamsters with about 10 kg of sugar until they’re hidden.
1. Girl opens box and can see nothing but sugar.
2. Hamster leaps out from sugar.
3. Girl is surprised! But hamsters are cute. Heart!
4. OP is so clever. Love! Heart.

Got it? Get to it, OP!

#2ch
Reading this thread reminds me that there are people like this, and reassures me that I’m doing just fine.

#OP
Well, I emailed Denko saying I wasn’t able to get a hold of my brother.
Nothing to really report while I’m waiting for her reply… (´･ω･`)

#OP
ALSO YOU GUYS CALLING ME CREEPY AND HOPELESS ARE REALLY MAKING ME LOSE CONFIDENCE. (´･ω･`)

#2ch
>implying you had confidence before

#OP
Still no reply, so I’m going to send another one.
Post 400 decides the title.

#OP
Actually, you’ll probably say something weird, so never mind. (´･ω･`)

#2ch
You’re being a pest if you send more than three emails without a reply.
Also, you should learn how to carry a conversation.
Stop trying to push yourself and listen to her more.

#OP
What should I ask? I’ve never talked with girls…
I don’t know what I should talk about… (´･ω･`)

#2ch
You’ve got a completely wrong idea of what “listen” means.

“Listening” is not “questioning.”
What he was trying to say is that you shouldn’t talk about yourself, but listen to what she says.

Also, I said it before, but just be mature and wait if there’s no reply. Patience, man.

#OP
Well, I told Denko to email me when she has the time.
Also, I invited her to just have three of us go if my brother can’t come. (´･ω･`)

#2ch
His brother is definitely looking like the real target here…

#OP
Reading all these responses again, I realize it’s like 70% abuse and 30% ramen…
I knew I was getting teased for not having any romantic experience, but I didn’t quite realize it was that bad…
It’s a bit of a shock… (´･ω･`)

#2ch
Screw you guys. OP’s persistence should be COMMENDED.

Sending massive amounts of emails out of worry!
Buying clothes to improve his appearance!

And I say try even harder!
Send 1000 emails a day!
Girls love men who worry about them!

#OP
Oh! A serious reply at last! (´･ω･`)
Yes, I’ll try my hardest! Thanks for the uplifting comments!

I just emailed Denko about what kinds of clothes she likes men to wear.
Uh oh, I wonder if she’ll figure out I like her…

#2ch
You really must be an aspie if you thought that was serious…

#OP
Oh, since you guys call me creepy and scary, I’m wondering if I should send an email asking if I’m scary… (´･ω･`)
Do people send emails like that?

#2ch
I guess, maybe…
If you don’t at least ask, you might not be able to face each other.
Give it a shot.

#OP
I sent it. Can’t wait for the reply… (´･ω･`)

#2ch
Let’s think about this sensibly.

If I heard an email alert going off several hundred times a day…
Yeah, I’d call the police.

#OP
Well, I’d be happy if I got that many emails from her… (´･ω･`)

#OP
Still no reply… What do I do?
I’m getting worried… (´･ω･`)

But everyone seems to say I should let her send emails to me and just reply to those.
It’s really irritating, though. What makes girls happy?

#2ch
YOU NOT EMAILING HER WOULD BE GREAT

#OP
Hey! Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

If you’re all so experienced with love, maybe that’s why you don’t understand how I feel…

#OP
I got an email from Denko!
“Maybe a little scary…”
Only a little is okay, right?
I want to make sure there’s no misunderstanding… (´･ω･`)

#2ch
If you want to clear up misunderstanding, send an email.
“Sorry to scare you. But don’t misunderstand. I just want to be friends, Denko.”
Keep sending emails like that.

You’ve already sent over 600, so just sending one at this point would make you look insincere.
So send at least twenty.
Even that might be too few.

#OP
I don’t know about sending repeatedly, so I’ll just send this once:
“Sorry to scare you. But don’t misunderstand. I just want to be friends, Denko.”
Still, thanks!

#2ch
Whoa, man, think about it the other way around.

You’ve gotten 600 emails from Denko.
Butr all of a sudden, there’s just this one.
Wouldn’t you be uneasy?

If you don’t want to upset Denko, send more!

#OP
What exactly is scaring her, though?
I’m doing the best I can, but I don’t want to be called scary, not even “maybe a little” scary…
It’s really annoying me… (´･ω･`)

#2ch
Even if she doesn’t want to say it, man you’re scary.

#OP
Yikes… Am I really that bad…? (´･ω･`)
It’s not like I want to punch people or kill people out of love for Denko, right?
Please, tell me something I can say to make her happy and not leave any misunderstandings.

#2ch
How about the new teriyaki burger at McDonald’s?

#OP
Okay, thanks! I just asked “Do you know if the new teriyaki burger at McDonald’s is good?”
But if I can really clear up misunderstanding by emailing Denko stuff like that, then my mood might start to turn around…

#OP
So many people have called me scary that I feel traumatized…
But all right, I’ll be careful not to make any more aggressive emails.
Thanks for the advice!!
You guys are so experienced, haha…

#2ch
I don’t think this has anything to do with experience…
Man, poor Denko.

#2ch
Experienced or not, I can’t comprehend how you don’t get things that everyone should know.

#2ch
I know where you’re coming from, unfortunately.

I’m kind of figuring the OP has played a lot of dating sims and such.
In those games, you need to take action for your bond to go up, but…
You can’t go into real life thinking it works that way…

#OP
Yes, you hit the bullseye.
I really have no clue how to handle three-dimensional women.

It’s so easy to confess in games, but so hard in three dimensions…
Now I know that all too well… (´･ω･`)

#OP
Actually… I’m starting to feel like it might be best for me to wholeheartedly confess to Denko.

Is that just me? (´･ω･`)

#2ch
It’s best that this ends soon.
Do it and be done with it.

#2ch
Geez, we told you not to be so forward…

But, maybe you should be more thoroughly crushed…

#OP
My hands are shaking at the idea of a confession email…
This might be a tough hurdle to overcome…

#OP
I’m trying to think about what to write, but other than “I love you,” I’m drawing a blank… (´･ω･`)

#OP
Subject: To Denko

Thinking on it now, our meeting was a cherry blossom blooming in high school.
And now, it’s spring again just the same.

Before I met you, Denko, I felt like I was in a cold winter.
But in the spring, you put a bud in my heart that would bloom into a great flower.
It’s been so long since we were in high school together, but my feelings are just the same as they were that spring.

You’ve helped me when I was bullied, haven’t you, Denko?
Back then, I thought, “Why does this girl not have the wings an angel should have?”
I suppose you must have left them in your mother’s stomach…

Even when we met eyes, I didn’t have the courage.
And we could never talk to each other.
But now, I’m different!
Denko, I know you may not want to marry me yet, but please, go out with me!

Well? (´･ω･`)

#2ch
SOUNDS GOOD TO ME

#2ch
Perfection.
Nothing can be done to improve it.

#2ch
This is worse than the love letter I wrote in fifth grade.

#2ch
I don’t even…

#OP
Well, I sent it. (´･ω･`)
Normally I’m very prudent, but today, with all of your encouragement, I’ve confessed.

If Denko and I start dating, I hope we can read this thread and laugh about it together… (´･ω･`)
Also, since I wanted to increase my chances, I added that no matter what happens, I won’t give up on her.

#2ch
oh god holy geez what in the

#2ch
STOP.
Your chances at dating sit at ZERO!
Jesus, man.

#OP
I GOT AN EMAIL FROM DENKOOOOO!!
I’m too scared to open it dskald;ksa
I guess now I know why everyone said I was scary…
This is making me super tense…
I’ll go wash my face, then look at it calmly… (´･ω･`)
I think I might just have a heart attack…

#OP
Um, she said “okay”… (´･ω･`)
Is this okay? Really?
I’m so happy I could cry…
This is okay, right?
I’m so stunned, I need your opinion…

#OP
She followed it up with “Don’t email me anymore.”
What’s this? And here I thought I knew her feelings…

Maybe dating was too sudden?
It’s hard for me to tell what girls are trying to get at… (´･ω･`)
Is this the fickle heart of a woman at work???
What’s the intent of this email? Someone interpret it… (´･ω･`)

#2ch
Maybe “okay” was in reply to the McDonald’s teriyaki burger, so “don’t email me anymore” was in reply to the confession.

Which means you’re not dating.

#2ch
^ I like this interpretation.

#2ch
Well, let’s see..

“Your emails are freaking me out.
You’re an annoyance.
Please don’t send any more emails.”

…That seems about right.

#OP
If I’m understanding the situation right, I asked if we could date, and she replied selfishly to test me as a man? (´･ω･`)

But I mean, suddenly asking not to email her is REALLY selfish…
Maybe I should wait until her anger has settled?
Or should I try to calm her?

#2ch
No. Stop.
You’re not dating.
You asked “let’s date,” she replied “don’t email me anymore.”

#OP
Okay, I’ll call her, then.
Calling now.

#OP
Nope, guess she’s talking with someone… (´･ω･`)
I’ll wait a bit…

#2ch
oh god

#2ch
OBVIOUSLY SHE’S TELLING HER FRIENDS ABOUT HER NEW BOYFRIEND

#2ch
^ Bingo!

#2ch
^ You, sir, know the heart of a woman well.

#2ch
No doubt she’s waiting for you to call.
Try calling back once every minute.

#OP
I’m redialing as fast as I can! (´･ω･`)

Once I get a hold of her, I’ll ask if she wants to go to McDonald’s to have the teriyaki burger, and ask why she’s mad. (´･ω･`)
Anything else I should talk to her about?

#OP
No good, she’s still talking… (´･ω･`)
I really feel like she’s mad at me all of a sudden…

I’ll keep calling until she comes on!
I’ll report once she does. (´･ω･`) Bye!

#2ch
I’m really starting to read the “Help!” in the title as Denko’s screaming.

#OP
I can’t get a signal here… (´･ω･`)
Maybe she’s gotten wrapped up in some incident? What to do…

Maybe I’ll go to her house, but if we’re dating, then it’s not stalking, okay?! (´･ω･`)
I’m so lost…
Maybe she’s testing to see if I’d come to save her if something happened?

#2ch
We’ve got a Sherlock Holmes on our hands.

#2ch
Spoilers: Denko is wrapped up in an incident, all right. A stalking incident.

#OP
Make up your minds already! (´･ω･`)
Making me overthink this isn’t going to do any good…

I’m going to get ready so I can leave anytime…

#OP
Okay, okay! I’ll go!!
If she’s safe, then it’ll be fine! (´･ω･`)
It’s about 30 minutes to her house, so I’ll take my bicycle.
I’ll report back! Thanks for the advice!

#OP
I just got back, sorry for the late report… (´･ω･`)

I hurried to Denko’s house and rang the doorbell.
Then Denko’s mother came out and said Denko was out of the house.
I introduced myself to her and told her I was going out with Denko, so she said “If you want, you can wait and have some tea until Denko gets back.”
So then I waited for Denko at her house with her mom… (´･ω･`)

#OP
I spent about ten hours talking with Denko’s mother about Denko in high school and her personality and such, but she didn’t come home.
Her mother called Denko’s cellphone a bunch of times, but she couldn’t get through.
Late at night, her mother told me “I’ll give you a call when Denko comes home,” and so I went home. Sorry for the long explanation. (´･ω･`)
Apparently Denko’s out having fun with a friend, so I’m relieved to hear she’s okay.
Also, Denko’s mother was just as nice as her, which surprised me.
I guess Denko takes after her mother… (´･ω･`)
So now I’m waiting for a call about Denko coming home.

#OP
It looks like Denko still isn’t back…
If the thread’s still here when she gets back, I’ll report in… (´･ω･`)


Then the thread hit 1000 posts and closed. The saga went on for several more threads, but I probably won’t bother with them, as they don’t really seem as… amusing as the first one.

Oh 2ch

First off, I CAN'T believe I read all of it!! But it was a good read