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You're absolutely right, shelter. It's never good to just go with the first draft, and felix once again did one fine job of laying out a detailed critique. I'll once again express my views on the criticism and add my own bits.
The em dash would certainly work better, but since we're being sticklers for perfection, I can see why the en dash was used. I often do this too, since many forums read the two as the same.
A comma or semicolon would work a little better than double colons (which usually start a list or break into a completely different topic), as felix mentioned. I'm also wondering if that orphaned 2nd verse is intentional or not, it does look a little out of place.
I can't agree with the rhyme breaks. If you read it carefully, there's no distinct rhyme scene put in place; I'm pretty sure it was intended to be free verse. I don't know which manner you chose to use the word "rhyme", because there could have been multiple uses. Stop me if I'm speculating incorrectly.
In the short amount of text I feel you really got your point across. There certainly is always room for improvement but if you focus too hard on that you might lose the well-constructed poem you have now. Best of luck in your editing.
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