Quote:
Originally Posted by Darthtabby
I took a look at this. Its not bad but I do have a couple things I'd like to point out as potential points for improvement. First off, you switch from past to present tense midway through the scene where you're talking about Ray and John's pasts and their connection with each other. Secondly you might want to consider following the "show, don't tell" principal a bit more with the next scene where Ray gets saved by John. You start the scene by saying that Ray is good, but cocky and overconfident -something you'd already established through his actions during the familiarization flight in an earlier scene. Rather than doing that, I would suggest putting the audience in Ray's cockpit with him as he unloads his assault cannon, switches to a knife, butchers the Destroyer, and then gets pinned by tank class BETA. The current version of the scene seems rather detached, and this approach would hopefully make it seem less detached. I would also recommending changing that scene to past tense.
|
Noted on all aspects. Thanks for your feedback! To be honest this is the first thing I've written properly in close to 3 years, so yeah, I
am rusty.
Regards the past-present, I'd actually not really noticed that at all
As for style of the fic, an experiment I'm doing is that while the narration is past tense, the action is present tense. Sorta like trying to combine someone narrating the past, interposed with flashbacks... I guess it didn't really work?
I'll take this all into account for the next installment. Once again, thanks!