[Mystique]

Originally Posted by whitepearl

But at the start of brainstorming, I had intended Hayden to be the "jerk" character that most people find unsettling, with the exception of Heather (not Hannah) and Jocelyn.

i'll go crawl in my hole after reading this, sorry about that ><;;;;;;

It's not evident from the excerpt posted but he is meant to be a conflicted sort of character. Jocelyn and Heather, too. Their conflicts were meant to be explained later on.

Ah, so what you posted wasn't the entire thing anyways, i see....

Yeah, I know what you're saying about how it sometimes feels stupid to write "said" over and over which was why I didn't do so in the first place. I have spent some time mulling over what I have written and thought that the dialogue could use some work, moreso in the mechanics (if that is an appropriate term?) of how it's spoken instead of what was spoken.

cool, do so, consider it kinda decipline practice to write as many spoken verb as possible for each character of situation. You find in time, that you may be able to write in different styles that won't even require a verb+subject structure and it still reads well

PS: Even if the next scene between Joyce and Hayden is obvious (or is it?), why did you stop there?

but but but... I like verbose amount of text, you obviously haven't been paying attention to when me and ledgem start replying on each other's posts in debates huh... *cough* (prob a good thing) >.>

To be blunt tho, you cannot set up scene like that and drop it, that's like being a tease and not putting out, lol.
We bookworms are a vicious lot esp if the going has gotten good

But I do appreciate your reading of what I had written and for your honest and frank feedback. Some of my other friends just tell me "it's good" without giving me much in terms of what I could improve. I guess they don't want to say anything negative since we are friends so it's good to get feedback from someone I don't know—the feedback and commentary will be more unbiased.

No probs, that's what we all here for. I'll give as much contructive criticism as possible, you guys have the choice to call me a bitch, cry, ignore or accept and work harder on your stories.
But don't forget, I am but only one person with a view, so it's not the be all or end all
And you must have nice friends, mine are more than happy to tear my stories apart and say its crap and doesn't make sense (when it makes perfect sense in my head, but them knowing me, they have a point....), in which i'll throw a tantrum, have my drama queen moment then listen and improve it somewhat, lol.

I'll try but I have to get back into the whole routine of things. I was away for a few weeks and had no access to my work. I did spend some nights trying to brainstorm but I had no means of writing anything down.

edit: there was some introductory stuff in the first paragraph that I threw in as a sidebar, but I can't recall if I ever included that in the excerpt I posted here. I can send you the full first chapter to you if you want.

Sure, it may make things clearer for me, since it was a lot of work to piece things together with what i had, if there's more that was meant to fill in the holes, all the more reason to send. You can post it here, spoilers hide length so it should be okay, others may enjoy reading it too ^^