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Good pacing on the awkward words, I think. You have a couple odd little mistakes (like 'more than I could bare' instead of 'more than I could bear'), but a decent read through will catch them all. My plot quibble is the embrace... why so soon? To someone they don't know? It seems... forward. Of both of them.
Oh, and as a twenty-three year old, why is this set in 2011?(If you wanted it to be set now, they'd be born in '86, or alternatively, be 21).
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*laughs*
1. The thing about my fic that it's
psychological so many things will be explained later. Remember,
Fate is narrating her story so her
thoughts are what we read...yeah...it's confusing...
2. The embrace...read above. :3
3. Joke on a leap year...
Nanoha is technically
5 years-old and I thought it was funny but I also had another reason for it. Read on...
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Originally Posted by TheShinySword
Your characters should be more specific then. My characters tell me the details along the way but I always know where they're going to end up. If I have any suggestions to fanfic authors (and authors really) it's that. Enjoy the ride but know where you're going, if you don't then you'll never get there or getting there will be off and awkward. For me if it's a short gag then I know the ultimate punchline, if it's something longer I know the final destination.
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I know the middle of the story but the actions leading it up determines the ending. I tried writing a fic with knowing ending once and it turns out to be a huge disaster...
