Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi
Saved by the bell
Length:8,000 words
Status: chapter -complete. Spellcheck -not yet. Card -not yet. diary entries- not yet.
ETA: Tomorrow night 100%.
Estimated length: about 9,000 words
I don't like the start of this chapter, as it's just random WAFF. Doesn't do anything for the plot, but does make characters get closer. Anyway, the END of this chapter I rather like. I got some great Precia/Fate moments and the diary entries will be great as well. Also got a TON of plot out of the way. So I think this chapter averaged out okay.
Oh, one thing though. I got a review saying that they felt as if this chapter was about "two American teens" and not really Nanoha/Fate.....Well, I don't know how much like the canon characters I can get them, as they don't use magic nor are interested in the military... Am I doing an okay job with them? Suggestions on how to improve it?
As far as "American" goes...well, I can't really see that. After school activities. Clubs. Cosplay café. School uniforms. I don't really know how I made them come off as "American"....I do intentionally use dollars in this story instead of yen. And first name first, last name last (which I don't know why...) But other than that, is there anything I can do to make this more....Japanese-y?
all help appreciated >.<
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I was the one who left that review. sorry I didn't elaborate more. This is just my feelings on it.
When I said American, I meant some of the dialogue and some aspects of Nanoha and Fate’s personality, not the Japanese culture/school part. (e.g. using “Oh man…” or “Come now, up and at'm silly girl” and a few other really North American colloquial phrases.)
And Fate seemed a little too open and not shy? (e.g. when she was telling Nanoha that she slept in the nude, or referencing an orgasm while eating that cookie in chapter 3. didn’t really feel very Fate to me… more like a North American teenager.)
Like in A’s, Fate was soft-spoken and easily embarrassed (e.g. A’s drama CD, Fate got embarrassed at the bath house because Amy let loose that she can’t wash her hair alone and kept insisting that she could) … even in StrikerS. Here, she was more socially adapted than in A’s so it explains the lack of shyness but she was still reserved in a polite… more quiet manner (e.g. last ep of StrikerS, everyone was all rallied for the all-out battle but Fate was the one who had reservations at first). And even though she was close to Nanoha, they were still quite polite with each other and their interactions tend to be more... soft (don't really know how to say this... maybe I'll think of it later)
and unlike the end of the first season, Fate and Nanoha have yet to go through a similar big breakthrough in your fic so I just felt that Fate was opening up a little too quickly. Asian cultures tend to be more reserved about sharing personal details (especially family details) unless the person is really really close to them.
Precia, although very interesting and fun this way, seemed just a little too perky. A nice Precia for me would be easier to imagine if she was like the Precia in Fate’s dream in Nanoha A’s when she was sucked into the Book of Darkness.
but all in all, this is an alternate universe so lots of things are up to interpretation. whatever feels best for you.